Charles Nevers Holmes

“ But a table-knife is not a freight elevator, John Clark!
Mr. C. (starting to raise more potato on his knife) . No, Martha, a fork is the proper instrument with which to convey a piece of meat from one’s plate to one’s mouth.
Mrs. C. (rising hastily, speaking quickly) . John, stop that! Never use a knife, even at home, that has fallen to the floor! (Goes to the sideboard, opens a drawer, takes out a table-knife and exchanges this knife for the one just dropped by Mr. C.) There! (Resuming her seat.) Don’t you dare to misuse this knife as you misused the other one, John Clark! ”

“ Socially it is cream. You never ask for milk in your coffee but always for cream.
Mr. C. (impatiently) . I don’t care one continental what it is socially. Practically it is milk. (Drinking from the glass into which he has poured from the pitcher.) Yes, that’s milk all right. (Pushing the pitcher towards Mrs. C.) Taste it yourself Martha. See if it isn’t milk.
Mrs. C. (nervously sipping her coffee) . That isn’t the point at all. Of course when it’s in a drinking glass it may be milk, but when it’s in a cream-pitcher it is always cream. ”

“ Williams is not as stupid as you are—sometimes. (More angrily.) John, how very obstinate you are! You know well enough that I have the right of it, and yet you won’t admit it.
Mr. C. (slowly stirring his coffee) . After all, Martha, I think I’ll have some coffee. Will you please pass me the milk?
Mrs. C. (with considerable temper) . John Clark, I never get angry myself, never, but certainly you do try my patience—sorely. Now, I don’t want you to call that cream milk—again! Not again! (She rises from her chair.)
Mr. C. (still stirring his coffee) . Martha, will you please pass me the—milk? ”