Dougal Graham

“ I made myself a chapman when very young, in hopes of being rich when I became old; but fortune was fickle, and so was I; for I began to consider the danger of deep ditches, midden dubs, biting dogs, bogles in barns, bangster wives and weet sacks; and what comfort is it says I, to lie in the cow's oxter the length of a cold winter night ”

“ A good keep me, quo' the lass, frae a' temptations to sin, although thou be but a callen heth I'll rather lie wi' Sannock Garner. Hute awa, quo' the auld wife, the poor lad may lie on a buttle of strae, beyond the fire. No, no, cries the goodwife, he's no be here the night, or I'se no be here. Dear goodwife, said I, what ails you at me? if you will not let me stay you'll not hinder me to go where I please. Ay, ay, said she gae where you like. Then I got in beyond the fire, beside the goodman. Now, said I, goodwife, I like to be here. A deevil be here, an ye be here the night, said she. ”

“ No, said I, you lousie dog, I'll sell you none, if there's any on the ground, seek them up and stap them in a beast's arse: but if ye were a man, I would burn you in the fire, tho' it be in your own house, but as you are a poor taylor and neither man nor boy, I'll do nothing but expose you for what you are. O dear honest chapman, cried his wife, ye maunna do that and I'se gie you cheese and bread. No, no, you thieves, I'm for nothing but vengeance; no bribes for such. So as I was lifting my pack, there was a pretty black cat which I spread my napkin over ”

“ Next morning when I came in, the goodwife began to pray for herself and all that she had, saying, It's Wednesday through a'the warld and good be between me and you chapman, for ye're either a witch or a warlock, or something that's no canny, for ye witcht our sowens last night, were very good when I left them, tho I did not prie them, and I wish'd them as for they gaed mad, rag'd out the pot, belling and bizzing like barm, I thought they wad run out to the barn to you ”

“ The goodwife then took a dish, went round the servants, and collected a soup out of every cog, which was sufficient to have served three men. The goodwife ordered me to be laid in the barn all night for my bed; but the bully-fac'd goodman swore he had too much stuff in it, to venture me there. The goodwife said, I should not lie within the house, for I would be o'er near the lasses' bed. ”

“ A wat well lad, said she, an ye be coming by any time, ye's be welcome to a night o' our barn, frae ye hae na steal'd naething; thanks to you goodwife, said I, that's very fair fair. Indeed lad it's no every ane we'll trust wi' our new barn, farfore sud we? O goodwife it wad be a great thief that wad rin awa wi' a barn on his back; I wonder ye let it stand out all night; Hute awa' ye daft body, how can we get it in, ke awa chapman, yere joking me now. I then took a turn round the country for two weeks, and then came back to be avenged on the naughty wife and her sowens. ”

“ A sweet be here mither, said he, do ye think that I'm a witch? Witch here or witch there, said the wife, swearing by her saul, and that was nae banning, she said, they'll be good substantial meat, a what say ye chapman? Indeed, goodwife, said I, sowens is but saft meat at the best, but if ye make them thick enough, and put a good lump of butter in them, they'll do very well for a supper. I trow sae lad, said she, ye hae some sense: so the old woman put on the pot with her sowens, and went to milk her cows, leaving me to steer ”

“ I hearing the fear they were in, cried to them not to be frighted, for I was not the deil, but a poor chapman who could not get quarters last night; a foul fa' thy carcase Sir, for our Jock is thro' the midden-dub, dirt and a' the gither. He who went last came again; but the other ran into the house and told what he had seen The goodman and his wife came runing, he with a grape in his hand, and her with the Bible, the one crying Sandy, Sandy, is's true that the deil was in the barn. Na, na, said he, it's but a chapman, but poor Jock has gotten a fright wi' him. ”

“ At last, I prevailed with a wife, if her husband was willing, to let me stay, she would, and sent me to the barn to ask him; and I meeting him at the barn door carrying in strae for his horses, I told him his wife had granted to let me stay, if he was not against it; to which he answered, If I should lie in his midden dib, I should get no quarters from him that night; a wheen lazy idle villains turns a' to be chapmen, comes through the country fashing fouks, ay seeking quarters ”

“ I then came home to my lodging house, and went to dinner with the goodmen, and it being the custom of that place to eat pease bread to their broth, and corn cakes to their flesh, the goodwife laid down a corn cake and a pease scone to the goodman, and the same to me, the pease one for the broth and the corn one for the beef; and as the goodman and I sat together, when he brake off a piece of the pease bread to his broth, I was sure to break as much of the oat cake below, and when we came to cut the flesh I did the same, so he eat the coarse and I the fine. ”

“ Being permitted to lie in the spence beside the goodman's bed, the good wife being very hard of hearing, she thought that every body was so, for when she went to bed, she cried out, A how hearie, isna yon a brave moderate chapman we hae here the night, he took just seven soup o' our sowens, and that fill'd him fu', a dear Andrew man, turn ye about, an' tak my cauld a-se in your warm lunchoch. ”

“ I followed hard after into the house, and as I entered the door, I heard the goodman saying, Ay, ay, goodwife, what's the haste, you run sae fast?
No more passed, until I addressed the goodman for quarters; which he answered, 'indeed lad, we hae nae beds but three, my wife and I, ourselves twa, and the twa bits o' little anes, Willy aad Jenny lie in ane; the twa lads, our twa servant men, Willy Black and Tom Eve, lie in anither; auld Maggs my mither, and the lass Jean Tirrem lie thegither, and that fills them a'. ”

“ A wae worth the body, am I saying ye had ado wi' me, I wadna hae ado wi' the like o' you, nor I am sure wi' them I never saw. But, what about the button and the bane kaim, goodwife? Sannoek is na this the man? Ay is't, cried the boy, gie me my button, for I burnt the kame, and she paid me for't; Gae awa, sir, said I, your mother and you arc but mocking me; it was either you or ane like you, or some other body. O goodwife, I mind who it is now, 'tis just ane like me, when ye sec the tane ye see the tither, they ca' him Jock Jimoither. ”

“ Ho, ho, said I, but I'm here first, and first comed, first served, goodwife; but if the ill thief be a friend of yours, you'll hae room for him too. Ye thief-like widdifu', said she, are ye evening me to be sib to the foul thief; 'tis weel kend I am com'd o' gude honest folks; it may be so, goodwife, said I, but ye look rather the other way, when ye would lodge the d---l in your house, and ca' out a poor chapman to die, such a stormy night as this. ”

“ A wae worth him, quoth thc wife, if I dinna thrapple him for my good bane kame. Now, said I, goodwife, be good, bridle your passion, and buy a bane kame and coloured napkin, I'll gie you a whaukin' penny-worth, will gar you sing in your bed, if I should sell you the tae half and gift you the tither, and gar you pay for every ineh o't sweetly or a' be done. Heeh, man, said she, ye're a hearty fallow, and I hae need o' a' these things, but a bane kame I maun hae ”

“ He rides a little bit, then turns baek in a rage, saying, I say, sir, your last words are waur than your first: he comes then to ride me down, but I struck his beast on the face, and in a short turn about, it fell, yet, or I could get my pack to the ground, he cut me on the head at the first stroke; I then getting clear of the pack, played it away for some time, till by blows on the face, I made him bleed at both mouth and nose; then he cried out. Chapman, we are baith daft, for we'll kill oursells and mak naething o't, we had better agree ”

“ Gae awa, cried the lass, he, filthy body, that he is, the last chapman that kissed me had a horse paek, but he'll hae naething in his but a wisp of strae, some auld breeks, hair-skins, maukinskins, ony thing that fills the bag and bears bouk, and yet he wad kiss and handle me, I was made for a better fallow; ane o' them eame bye ae day and selled our Meg twa ell and a quarter o' linen, to be her bridal sark ”

“ So when he was gone I slips into the barn, and by the help of one of the kipples, climbs up the mou, and then dives down among the sheaves, and happed myself all over, so that I lay as warm as the goodman himself. But in the morning, long before day, two fellows came into the barn and fell a thrashing, so that by their disturbance I eould sleep no more ”

“ This she faithfully promised to do while she lived, and with milk we drank to the eow's good health and her own, not forgetting her husband's and the bull's, as the one was goodman of the house, and the other of the byre; and away we eame in all haste, lest some of a more understanding nature should come to hear of it, and follow after us. ”

“ What do ye say, said she, about Temple-bar! a town just about twa three miles and a bittock frae this; a thief ane was to swear you there, an' it wasna auld Willy Miller the cobbler, the ill thief, a nither minister nor magistrate ever was in it a'. O but, says the other lad, the Temple-bar he means by is at London. Yea, yea, lad, an' ye be com'd frae Lunun ye're little worth. London, said he, is but at home to the place he comes from. A dear man, quoth she, and whare in a' the warl' comes he frae? all the way from Italy, where the Pope of Rome dwells, says he. ”