Dougal Graham

“ I made myself a chapman when very young, in hopes of being rich when I became old.
My first journey was through Old Kilpatrick, I got no meat nor money until the evening I began to ask for lodging, then every wife to get me away would either give me a cogful of kail, or a piece of cake. Well says I to myself, if this be the way, I shall begin in the morning to ask for lodging, or any time when I am hungry. Thus I eontinued going from house to house, until my belly was like to burst, and my pockets eould hold no more ”

“ Come, said he, I’ll buy twa penny worth of them frae ye, I hae troubled you sae muckle; no, said I, you lousied dog, I’ll sell you none, if there’s any on the ground, seek them up and stap them on a beast’s a—se; but if ye were a man, I would burn you in the fire, though it be in your own house; but as you are a poor tailor, and neither a man nor a boy, I’ll do nothing but expose you for what you are. O dear honest ehapman, cried his wife, ye mannua do that, and I’se gie you cheese and bread. ”

“ Witch here, or witeh there, said the wife, swearing by her saul, and that was nae banning, she said, they’ll be gude substantial meat;—a what say you chapman? Indeed, goodwife, said I, sowens are but saft meat at the best, but, if you make them thick enough, and put a good lump of butter in them, they’ll do very well for a supper. I trow sae lad, said she, ye ha’e some sense: so the old woman put on the pot with her sowens, and went to milk the cows, leaving me to steer ”

“ Na, na, said she, I’ll neither sell butter, bread nor milk, ’tis a’ little enough to sair my ain family; ye that’s chapman may drink water, ye dinna work sair. Ay, but goodwife, said I, I have been at Temple-bar, where I was sworn ne’er to drink water if I could get better. What do ye say, said she, about Temple-bar! a town just about twa three miles and a bittock frae this; a thief ane was to swear you there, an’ it wasna auld Willy Miller the cobbler the ill thief, a nither minister nor a magistrate ever was in it a’. O but, says the other lad, the Temple-bar he means by is at London. ”

“ No, no, cries the goodwife, he’s no be here the night, or I'se no be here. Dear goodwife, said I, what ails you at me! If you will not let me stay, you’ll not hinder me to go where I please. Ay, ay, said she, gae where you like; then I got in beyond the fire, beside the goodman. Now, said I goodwife, I like to be here. A d———l be here, and ye be here the night, said she. Ho, he, said I, but I’m here first and first comed, first served, goodwife; but if the ill thief be a friend of yours, you’ll hae room for him too. ”

“ But at last our money ran short, and the landlady had no chalk or faith to eredit us, seeing by our coats, courage, and conduct, that we would little mind performance against the day of payment; so that we began to turn sober and wise behind the hand, and every one of us to seek supply from another ”

“ It was either you or ane like you, or some other body. O goodwife, I mind who it is now; ’twas just ane like me, when ye see the tane ye see the tither; they ca’ him Jock Jimbither. A wae worth him, quoth the wife, if I dinna thrapple him for my gude bane kame. Now, said I, goodwife, be good, bridle your passion, and buy a bane kame and coloured napkin, I’ll gie you a whaukin’ penny-worth, will gar you sing in your bed, if I should sell you the tae half and gift you the tither, and gar you pay for every inch o’t sweetly or a’ be done. ”

“ I was ordered to go round the servants and collect a soup out of every cog, which was sufficient to have served three men: the goodwife ordered me to be laid in the barn all night, but the bully-faced goodman swore hc had too much stuff in it to venture me there; the goodwife, said I should not lie in the house, for I would be o'er near the lasses’ bed; then the lads swore I would not go with them, for I was a forjesket like fellow, and who kens whether I was honest or not; he may fill his wallet wi’ our claes and gang his wa’ or day light. ”