George Bernard Shaw

“ VALENTINE. I have.
GLORIA. Well, you have succeeded in making me hate you— passionately.
VALENTINE (philosophically) . It's surprising how little difference there is between the two. (Gloria turns indignantly away from him. He continues, to Mrs Clandon) I know men whose wives love them; and they go on exactly like that.
MRS CLANDON. Excuse me, Mr Valentine; but had you not better go?
GLORIA. You need not send him away on my account, mother. He is nothing to me now; and he will amuse Dolly and Phil. (She sits down with slighting indifference, at the end of the table nearest the window.) ”

“ VALENTINE. Have you ever studied the subject of gunnery—artillery- —cannons and war-ships and so on?
MRS CLANDON. Has gunnery anything to do with Gloria?
VALENTINE. A great deal—by way of illustration. During this whole century, my dear Mrs Clandon, the progress of artillery has been a duel between the maker of cannons and the maker of armor plates to keep the cannon balls out. You build a ship proof against the best gun known: somebody makes a better gun and sinks your ship. You build a heavier ship, proof against that gun: somebody makes a heavier gun and sinks you again. ”

“ MRS CLANDON (shocked) . Socialism.
McCOMAS. Yes, Socialism. That's what Miss Gloria will be up to her ears in before the end of the month if you let her loose here.
MRS CLANDON (emphatically) . But I can prove to her that Socialism is a fallacy.
McCOMAS (touchingly) . It is by proving that, Mrs Clandon, that I have lost all my young disciples. Be careful what you do: let her go her own way. (With some bitterness.) We're old-fashioned: the world thinks it has left us behind. There is only one place in all England where your opinions would still pass as advanced. ”

“ Gloria and Dolly look at one another; then at Valentine and Philip. Valentine and Philip, unequal to the occasion, look away from them at one another, and are instantly so disconcerted by catching one another's eye, that they look back again and catch the eyes of Gloria and Dolly. Thus, catching one another all round, they all look at nothing and are quite at a loss. Crampton looks about him, waiting for them to begin. The silence becomes unbearable. ”

“ No family should be without them. Read them, Mr Valentine: they'll improve your mind.
DOLLY. But not till we've gone, please.
PHILIP. Quite so: we prefer people with unimproved minds. Our own minds are in that fresh and unspoiled condition.
VALENTINE (dubiously) . Hm!
DOLLY (echoing him inquiringly) . Hm? Phil: he prefers people whose minds are improved.
PHILIP. In that case we shall have to introduce him to the other member of the family: the Woman of the Twentieth Century; our sister Gloria!
DOLLY (dithyrambically) . Nature's masterpiece!
PHILIP. Learning's daughter!
DOLLY. Madeira's pride! ”

“ Though almost every word she addresses to her is necessarily in the nature of a remonstrance for some breach of decorum, the tenderness in her voice is unmistakable; and it is not surprising that years of such remonstrance have left Dolly hopelessly spoiled. Gloria, who is hardly past twenty, is a much more formidable person than her mother. She is the incarnation of haughty highmindedness, raging with the impatience of an impetuous, dominative character paralyzed by the impotence of her youth, and unwillingly disciplined by the constant danger of ridicule from her lighter-handed juniors. ”

“ They pass, an exquisite and dazzling apparition, between McComas and Bohun, and then back in a circle to the end of the table, where, as the final chord of the waltz is struck, they make a tableau in the middle of the company, the harlequin down on his left knee, and the columbine standing on his right knee, with her arms curved over her head. Unlike their dancing, which is charmingly graceful, their attitudinizing is hardly a success, and threatens to end in a catastrophe. ”

“ GLORIA (confronting her mother, with deep reproach) . Mother: what right had you to do it?
MRS CLANDON. I don't think I have said anything I have no right to say, Gloria.
VALENTINE (confirming her officiously) . Nothing. Nothing whatever. (Gloria looks at him with unspeakable indignation.) I beg your pardon. (He sits down ignominiously on the ottoman.)
GLORIA. I cannot believe that any one has any right even to think about things that concern me only. (She turns away from them to conceal a painful struggle with her emotion.) ”

“ Fast? Loud? Gay?
CRAMPTON. Not in any unprincipled sense of course; but—but— (blurting it out desperately) those two children would shock them. They're not fit to mix with their own people. That's what I complain of.
MRS CLANDON (with suppressed impatience) . Mr Valentine: do you think there is anything fast or loud about Phil and Dolly?
VALENTINE. Certainly not. It's utter bosh. Nothing can be in better taste.
CRAMPTON. Oh, yes: of course you say so.
MRS CLANDON. William: you see a great deal of good English society. Are my children overdressed?
WAITER (reassuringly) . Oh, dear, no, ma'am. ”

“ He is right. Let me introduce Miss Dorothy Clandon, commonly called Dolly. (Valentine bows to Dolly. She nods to him.) I'm Philip Clandon. We're from Madeira, but perfectly respectable, so far.
VALENTINE. Clandon! Are you related to —
DOLLY (unexpectedly crying out in despair) . Yes, we are.
VALENTINE (astonished) . I beg your pardon?
DOLLY. Oh, we are, we are. It's all over, Phil: they know all about us in England. (To Valentine.) Oh, you can't think how maddening it is to be related to a celebrated person, and never be valued anywhere for our own sakes. ”

“ It is Gloria's business to take care of herself; and you have a right to amuse yourself as you please. But—
VALENTINE (protesting) . Amuse myself! Oh, Mrs Clandon!
MRS CLANDON (relentlessly) . On your honor, Mr Valentine, are you in earnest?
VALENTINE (desperately) . On my honor I am in earnest. (She looks searchingly at him. His sense of humor gets the better of him; and he adds quaintly) Only, I always have been in earnest; and yet—here I am, you see!
MRS CLANDON. This is just what I suspected. (Severely.) Mr Valentine: you are one of those men who play with women's affections. ”

“ MRS CLANDON (remonstrating) . Dear, dear children: don't be silly. Everything is so new to them here, Finch, that they are in the wildest spirits. They think every Englishman they meet is a joke.
DOLLY. Well, so he is: it's not our fault.
PHILIP. My knowledge of human nature is fairly extensive, Mr McComas; but I find it impossible to take the inhabitants of this island seriously.
McCOMAS. I presume, sir, you are Master Philip (offering his hand) ?
PHILIP (taking McComas's hand and looking solemnly at him) . I was Master Philip—was so for many years; just as you were once Master Finch. ”

“ Her voice and ways are entirely kindly and humane; and she lends herself conscientiously to the occasional demonstrations of fondness by which her children mark their esteem for her; but displays of personal sentiment secretly embarrass her: passion in her is humanitarian rather than human: she feels strongly about social questions and principles, not about persons. Only, one observes that this reasonableness and intense personal privacy, which leaves her relations with Gloria and Phil much as they might be between her and the children of any other woman, breaks down in the case of Dolly. ”

“ DOLLY. Mr Bohun: please bully Finch for us.
BOHUN. I will. McComas: you're making yourself ridiculous. Sit down.
McCOMAS. I—
BOHUN (waving him down imperiously) . No: sit down, sit down. (McComas sits down sulkily; and Crampton, much relieved, follows his example.)
DOLLY (to Bohun, meekly) . Thank you.
BOHUN. Now, listen to me, all of you. I give no opinion, McComas, as to how far you may or may not have committed yourself in the direction indicated by this young lady. (McComas is about to protest.) No: don't interrupt me: if she doesn't marry you she will marry somebody else. ”

“ At this moment a harlequin and columbine, dancing to the music of the band in the garden, which has just reached the coda of a waltz, whirl one another into the room. The harlequin's dress is made of lozenges, an inch square, of turquoise blue silk and gold alternately. His hat is gilt and his mask turned up. The columbine's petticoats are the epitome of a harvest field, golden orange and poppy crimson, with a tiny velvet jacket for the poppy stamens. ”

“ VALENTINE. So I am. Do you expect my wife to live on what I earn? ten-pence a week!
McCOMAS (revolted) . I have nothing more to say, sir. I shall return and tell Mr Crampton that this family is no place for a father. (He makes for the door.)
MRS CLANDON (with quiet authority) . Finch! (He halts.) If Mr Valentine cannot be serious, you can. Sit down. (McComas, after a brief struggle between his dignity and his friendship, succumbs, seating himself this time midway between Dolly and Mrs Clandon.) You know that all this is a made up case—that Fergus does not believe in it any more than you do. ”

“ PHILIP (throwing away Dolly's arm and coming ill-humoredly towards the operating chair) . That wretched bankrupt ivory snatcher makes a compliment of allowing us to stand him a lunch - probably the first square meal he has had for months. (He gives the chair a kick, as if it were Valentine.)
DOLLY. It's too beastly. I won't stand it any longer, Phil. Here in England everybody asks whether you have a father the very first thing.
PHILIP. I won't stand it either. Mamma must tell us who he was.
DOLLY. Or who he is. He may be alive.
PHILIP. I hope not. No man alive shall father me. ”

“ CRAMPTON (to Phil) . Have you thought of choosing a profession yet?
PHILIP. I am keeping my mind open on that subject. William!
WAITER. Yes, sir.
PHILIP. How long do you think it would take me to learn to be a really smart waiter?
WAITER. Can't be learnt, sir. It's in the character, sir. (Confidentially to Valentine, who is looking about for something.) Bread for the lady, sir? yes, sir. (He serves bread to Gloria, and resumes at his former pitch.) Very few are born to it, sir.
PHILIP. You don't happen to have such a thing as a son, yourself, have you?
WAITER. Yes, sir: oh, yes, sir. ”

“ VALENTINE. I hope I've not kept you waiting. That landlord of mine is really an extraordinary old character.
DOLLY (eagerly) . Oh, tell us. How long has he given you to pay?
MRS CLANDON (distracted by her child's bad manners) . Dolly, Dolly, Dolly dear! You must not ask questions.
DOLLY (demurely) . So sorry. You'll tell us, won't you, Mr Valentine?
VALENTINE. He doesn't want his rent at all. He's broken his tooth on a Brazil nut; and he wants me to look at it and to lunch with him afterwards.
DOLLY. Then have him up and pull his tooth out at once; and we'll bring him to lunch, too. ”

“ Think of the people who do kind things in an unkind way—people whose touch hurts, whose voices jar, whose tempers play them false, who wound and worry the people they love in the very act of trying to conciliate them, and yet who need affection as much as the rest of us. Crampton has an abominable temper, I admit. ”

“ McCOMAS (wistfully) . Women can be very hard, Mrs Clandon.
VALENTINE. That's true.
GLORIA (angrily) . Be silent. (He subsides.)
McCOMAS (rallying all his forces) . Let me make one last appeal. Mrs Clandon: believe me, there are men who have a good deal of feeling, and kind feeling, too, which they are not able to express. What you miss in Crampton is that mere veneer of civilization, the art of shewing worthless attentions and paying insincere compliments in a kindly, charming way. ”

“ London society! London society!! You're not fit for any society, child.
DOLLY (losing her temper) . Now look here, Mr Crampton. If you think—
WAITER (softly, at her elbow) . Stone ginger, miss.
DOLLY (taken aback, recovers her good humor after a long breath and says sweetly) . Thank you, dear William. You were just in time. (She drinks.)
McCOMAS (making a fresh effort to lead the conversation into dispassionate regions) . If I may be allowed to change the subject, Miss Clandon, what is the established religion in Madeira?
GLORIA. I suppose the Portuguese religion. I never inquired. ”

“ MRS CLANDON. (half rising) . Glo— (Gloria goes out. Mrs Clandon looks perplexedly at the waiter, whose composure is unruffled.)
WAITER (cheerfully) . Anything more, ma'am?
MRS CLANDON. Nothing, thank you.
WAITER. Thank you, ma'am. (As he withdraws, Phil and Dolly, in the highest spirits, come tearing in. He holds the door open for them; then goes out and closes it.)
DOLLY (ravenously) . Oh, give me some tea. (Mrs Clandon pours out a cup for her.) We've been out in a boat. Valentine will be here presently.
PHILIP. He is unaccustomed to navigation. Where's Gloria? ”

“ BOHUN. That's because you think an impression of sincerity will produce a better effect on Miss Clandon than an impression of disinterestedness. (Valentine, utterly dismantled and destroyed by this just remark, takes refuge in a feeble, speechless smile. Bohun, satisfied at having now effectually crushed all rebellion, throws himself back in his chair, with an air of being prepared to listen tolerantly to their grievances.) Now, Mr Crampton, go on. It's understood that self is put aside. Human nature always begins by saying that. ”

“ The table at which the waiter is occupied is a long one, set across the terrace with covers and chairs for five, two at each side and one at the end next the hotel. Against the parapet another table is prepared as a buffet to serve from. The waiter is a remarkable person in his way. A silky old man, white-haired and delicate looking, but so cheerful and contented that in his encouraging presence ambition stands rebuked as vulgarity, and imagination as treason to the abounding sufficiency and interest of the actual. ”

“ MRS CLANDON (going) . Oh, very well: I'll go to him.
WAITER (holding the door open for her) . Thank you, ma'am. (She goes out. He comes back into the room, and meets the eye of Valentine, who wants him to go.) All right, sir. Only the tea-things, sir. (Taking the tray.) Excuse me, sir. Thank you sir. (He goes out.)
VALENTINE (to Gloria) . Look here. You will forgive me, sooner or later. Forgive me now.
GLORIA (rising to level the declaration more intensely at him) . Never! While grass grows or water runs, never, never, never!!!
VALENTINE (unabashed) . Well, I don't care. ”

“ McCOMAS. I have not been allowed to speak. I protest against this.
DOLLY (taking his arm coaxingly) . Dear Finch: don't be cross.
MRS CLANDON. Gloria: let us go in. He may arrive at any moment.
GLORIA (proudly) . Do not stir, mother. I shall not stir. We must not run away.
MRS CLANDON (delicately rebuking her) . My dear: we cannot sit down to lunch just as we are. We shall come back again. We must have no bravado. (Gloria winces, and goes into the hotel without a word.) Come, Dolly. (As she goes into the hotel door, the waiter comes out with plates, etc., for two additional covers on a tray.) ”