H. B. Marriott Watson

“ But Old Rowley starts as with surprise, and speaking in a pained voice—“When I tell you, Madam,” he says, “that Captain Ryder has kindly offered to instruct me in the delights of the King’s highway, you will see how much we should be indebted to him for the opportunity to add to our humble fortunes.”
But Madam shrugged her shoulders, and gave vent to a sigh of weariness—seeing which, I presumed to speak up for myself.
“’Tis true enough, Madam,” I says, stepping a pace forward, “what this old humourist says, but sure, he has put it so ceremonious that I scarce recognise the bargain. ”

“ The invitation was bluff enough in all conscience, but I suppose he accepted the spirit of it, for he replied, with a glance at his belly—
“Indeed, it is none so monstrous, Ryder, when all’s said. But I will confess that it has outstripped my ambition by several inches. Yet do my friends assure me that it is in no wise out of keeping, but rather, if I am to believe them, of quite an elegant distinction. In truth, in my own little circle I am considered for something of a fine gentleman, and ’tis the fashion to aim at my precise girth.” ”

“ But just as we were sipping of our glasses comes me in a strapping madam, robed in a magnificent gown, and her eyes like the lights in a black pool.
“You rogue,” says I to Old Rowley, “what an admirable taste you show, for sure.”
“I was in hopes,” says he in the same whisper, “that you would have attributed the taste to the lady. ’Tis a compliment they expect.” ”

“ But she gave a little scream, and Old Rowley stood by, seeming somewhat embarrassed, for it was plain what I was minded to do, and, sooth to say, my blood was hot enough for the job. But upon my venturing another movement she stamped her foot in a frenzy.
“Do you know who I am, fool?” she said. “I am the Duchess of Cleveland, I will learn you to use your hands on persons of quality.”
“Oh, ho,” says I with a boisterous laugh, “’tis high company we enjoy, for sure. Well,” I says, “and I make no doubt that I am the Great Mogul, and this here will be His Gracious Majesty himself.” ”

“ I says.
“How dare you?” she cried imperiously.
“Hoity-toity!” says I, lifting my brows at her, and mimicking her voice. “No one says ‘dare’ to me; and ’tis but to anticipate the event by an hour or so, as you will agree.”
“Sir—” she began, very still, and then she turned quickly upon Old Rowley, who, stooping over his dog, was softly chuckling to himself.
“’Tis you have done this,” she cried angrily. “’Tis your device to have instructed this varlet so to insult me.”
He turns a whimsical face on her. “Faith, not I,” he says. “’Tis your own doing, Barbara. You made love to him. ”

“ And he stood like an owl, pursing his lips, till Old Rowley turned to him.
“I fear, Danby,” says he demurely, “that the rogue is right, and that he will escape justice this time. You see, if he were to call upon me I must testify to the truth.” ”

“ But she then, coming forward very rapidly, started aback slightly, on seeing me and drew herself up, questioning His Majesty with her eyes.
“Madam,” says Old Rowley, bowing very gravely, “’Tis a friend of mine—this good gentleman, to whom your name being used with all admiration, he conceived a warm desire to be presented to you; the which, as one acquainted with your catholicity, I have made bold to grant. Like myself, he stands without the Law, following an illicit calling.” ”

“ But at this intimation her ladyship turned pale, and cried out for him to help her, retreating in his direction, and keeping a fearful eye on me. I was vastly entertained to see the jade’s consternation, for she was well paid for the strategy she used on Old Rowley. He came to a pause by the door, assuming an air of perplexity, and then, when she invoked him once more, feeling, I conceive, that the jest had run far enough, he came up to me, and tapped me on the arm.
“Ryder,” said he, pretending to whisper, but in a voice very audible. “You press her too closely. ”

“ The ladies, sure, are not so exigent of your company. I promise you they will not grow stale for the lack of the likes of you.”
“Tut, tut!” he cries with acerbity, “you ride a jest to death. I like a man that plays upon more strings than one,” and then, “Come, Ryder, you will observe that I do not twit you with the Road.” ”

“ A slight frown contracted his forehead, but immediately his eyes lit up with that choice smile of his, and says he—
“My good man,” he says, “I had not presumed to quite such hospitable acquaintance, for in truth I am too little used to such fellowship as yours to desire to lose it hastily.”
“And what the devil,” I cried with asperity, for his tone was something superior, “do you with your ‘good man’? I’ll have you remember that I am any man’s equal, to say nothing of a damned Cupid’s.” ”

“ To dangle at a petticoat, and to be kept in leash like a monkey,—’tis mean-hearted conduct, not to be assumed by a fellow of spunk. Not but what,” I says, “I cannot put a proper value upon a wench. Tame or wild cat, swart or red, Joan or My Lady, so be she have colour to her flesh and marrow to her bones, I’ll play the Spaniard with the best of them. But to stand for ever making lays against her humour, Lord, ’tis quite another matter, and worth no man’s respectability.” ”

“ But meeting his gaze I could not refrain on my part, and off I went into a peal. When I looked at him again he had took his reins in hand, but, leaning forward quickly, I seized the bridle at the mare’s mouth.
“Come, come,” says I, with an oath, “I will have you know, wheedler or applesquire, that you are not your own master while Dick Ryder is in need of you, and since you have sought my company, by God, but you shall keep it until I choose.” ”

“ If he had taken any suspicions that I had unmasked him this must have settled them, and he replied sedately—“Faith, among so many I can scarce—but yes,” he says, “this must be Mistress Barbara.”
“Barbara,” says I, smacking my lips, “An’ I like the wench as well as her name, I’ll warrant Mistress Barbara and I should be capital company together.”
“Ah,” says he, showing his teeth in a soft smile. “But I would have you warned that this same Barbara hath a spirit. She is particular to the point of phantasy. ”

“ He pulled a sour face over his glass, for the liquor was not to his palate, but I jibed him on his dainty stomach.
“Faugh!” says I, “those light o’ loves spoil you. ’Tis well enough. I know the stuff, as like as not the best brandy ever fetched out of France under His Majesty’s nose. I would think shame to live so maudlin as yourself, and you with the makings of a man in you!” ”

“ I says, with a cunning look, “but ’tis my usage to drive a proper bargain.”
“Oh fie!” says she, “you misbeliever! Come, let me see an’ it be truly mine.”
I shook my head, sticking my tongue in my cheek. “Never a blink,” said I, “afore that hour you wot of.”
Her eyebrows came down sudden. “Troth,” she says, with a toss of her head, a ’tis not gallant to make such terms. Love hath no conditions. I am used to be trusted, Ryder dear.”
And with that Old Rowley, who was seated very inperturbable, and patting a puppy-dog that was in the room, glanced up at me. ”

“ But, calm as he was, I was not to be browbeat by his insolence, and so, without further ado, I jogged the nag a step nearer, and says I, drawing my hanger—
“Well,” I says, “an’ you have observed my horsemanship with so much commendation, “Sink me, but you shall have the occasion to test my passados also.”
“Nay, nay,” he says, laughing a little, “but I will take the rest of your reputation on trust, and without any test. ’Tis a point with me to trespass on no man’s calling.” ”

“ He was not at all put about by this, but smiled in his soothing fashion.
“No doubt,” he says, looking at my weapon, “’tis the ardent spirit proper to a lover, Captain, but you will perceive that you have drawn upon an unarmed man.”
“Well,” says I, “an’ I may not slice you with the point, I will e’en trounce you with the flat,” and I stepped to him, iron in hand.
And now for the second time Old Rowley’s face fell, and he withdrew a pace, while Madam cried out in an alarm for me to stay my hand, as I knew not what I was doing. ”

“ I ha’ caged a deal more goldfinches in a week than your kidney would gather in a twelvemonth. In a way I have ta’en a sort of liking to you.”
“You are very good,” says he, as humbly as ever, “I should be pleased to learn of you.”
“Oh, damme,” says I, “I’ll teach you a proper trade. ’Tis better than to cozen old madams of their jewels, and to snip the fallals off young punks. Sure, that is a sorry business for a Quaker-bodied respectable old gentleman like you.” ”

“ He seemed a trifle disconcerted, for I reckon ’twas scarce the deportment he had expected in her ladyship; but this was only for a second, and then he bowed very gravely.
“I feared, Madam,” he said, shaking his head, “that this would be my reception, once you were seised of a fine bird like this; and so I warned our Captain here.” And then to me—“Ah, Ryder, ’tis a heavy price to pay for your good offices upon the Road,” and feigned to look chapfallen.
“Maybe,” says I, in a huffing way, “But ’twas a fair bargain, and what would you? ”

“ For my own part I find, no doubt with yourself, this present world a sufficient exercise for my thoughts—the more so that it has sometimes used me shabbily.”
“What calling may you follow?” I asked. “Well,” he says, with a sly look at me, “’tis scarce one for pride, but an’ you press me I must confess that I have the repute of being a somewhat importunate beggar.”
“What!” says I in an amaze, “are you a wheedler?” ”

“ I endeavour to be proportionate to my breeding; for, according to the acceptance of my friends, I derive from excellent parentage, though, it is obvious a man may not vouch for so much in his own person. ”

“ I said. “Do you think I have no better use for my limbs than to risk ’em upon a noddy that has lived to fifty years without having gotten even a hornbook knowledge of life?”
“The reproach, Ryder,” says he, with an appearance of consideration, “is too cutting. I know women very well, as you must admit.”
“And a fine field that is to grub in,” I says with a sneer.
“’Tis very pleasant,” says he impartially ”

“ Of a Meeting near Fulham, and of a
Remarkable Part I played
It has many times fallen to my good-fortune, in the exercise of my calling, to have encountered persons of high distinction, picked out for cynosures of the public gaze, and marked and predestined to fill a great part in the history of our times. There was his lordship, the Earl of Shaftesbury for one, a Minister of the Cabal, and a cock of the game to boot ”