John Hartley

“ France has her warriors,—her statesmen, an' her poets! Has'nt shoo one man, with a voice at can ring throo her fair cities—her vineyards, an' her lovely hamlets; at will raise it to rid her o' th' biggest curse under which a nation can grooan. Shoo's safer wi a thaasand invadin armies hemmin her raand, nor wi that enemy gnawin away at th' vitals ov her heart.
When we left th' brewery we had a drive up an' daan th' principal boulevards, an' it wor a treeat an' noa mistak. Th' mooin wor as breet varry near as a sun, an' th' gas lamps lukt to burn wi a yallo blaze at shed noa leet. ”

“ VEN i' Payris day seems to braik moor softly lo' th' Sabbath nor ony other day i' th' wick, an' th' burds tune ther throats to a mellower nooat, an' th' sun seems to kiss old mother Eearth moor lovingly, an' th' trees wave ther branches wi' a slower, statelier nod, as they whisper to each other an' to ivverything araand, "It's Sunday." ”

“ Altho' we wor booath on us glad to turn us faces toward hooam yet we felt a regret to leave a place wi soa monny beauties, an' sich a lot'at we'd nivver had a chonce to see; for ther's noa denyin it—Natur an' art have done all they could to mak it th' finest city ith' world—It hasnt th' quiet classic beauty o' Edinbro', nor th' moil an' bustle o' Lundun, nor th' quiet sedate luk o' Dublin—nor can it compare wi some o' th' startlin featurs o' th' American cities, but its fresher an' leetsomer an' altogether moor perfect nor ony one on em. ”

“ It wor one o' them things whear yo could'nt help onybody: Aw did think'at Billy wor a bigger fooil nor me, but awm foorced to own'at he could describe it just as weel as me, for aw kept tryin to remember what awd leearnd aght o' th' bookshunary soas aw could say summat, but it wor noa use, aw could nobbut stare an' ax misen, in a whisper, whether aw wor i' this world or th' next. ”

“ When Billy's at hooam he keeps a beershop at th' moorside an' does a varry tidy trade ov a Sundy, but durin' th' wick its seldom or ivver at onybody darkens th' door an' that's a varry gooid job, for he's sich a martyr to his trade, an' soa anxious to suit his customers, at he'll nivver sarve onybody wi a pint until he's supt a gill to sample it, an' when it comes shuttin' up time, he's soa full up at he has to sit ith' arm cheer as straight as a pikestaff for fear if he should lig daan it mud run aght an' be wasted. ”

“ Tha'rt varry kind Sammy, an' varry scientific too, noa daat; but all thy science is like thi beauty, for its all aght o' th' seet. Aw dooant like to run onny man daan, an' tha knows aw wod'nt hurt thi feelins, but aw must say'at aw nivver knew at it tuk onny science to mak a poverty-knocker; but aw defy yo to mak a brewer aght ov a chap at's born withaat it. Science is to brewin what a horse is to a cart, its what maks it goa, an' aw defy thee, or yor Mally awther, for that matter, to say at aw cannot mak a brewin goa as weel as onny man! soa shut up abaat science as long as tha lives! ”

“ Nah, ther's an' owd sayin' at one Englishman is equal to two Frenchmen at ony time—but like a lot moor o' th' old sayins it isnt true, for there are times when one Frenchman can bother a couple o' Yorkshermen, (an' they're English if onybody is,) an' this happened to be a case in point; an' ther's noa daat he'd ha lickt us booath if he'd takken us booath at once, but when aw started o' him he left Billy an' stuck to me, an' as we wor rollin' on th' floor Billy lukt aght for a chonce, an' sat him daan fair on his shirt front, an' that settled him. ”

“ Awm net gooin to say'at my countrymen are better nor yors, but this aw will say,'at if yo consider what yo style their false modesty to be their hypocrisy, aw hooap an' trust they'll continue to be hypocrites an' to breed em as long as th' world lasts: for awd rayther have a chap at tried to appear gooid, even if he isnt, nor one at'll flaunt his brazen sin an wickedness i' yor face! ”

“ At ivvery corner at yo'd to pass, wor a woman kneelin on a cheer, an' dressed to luk as solemn as a mute at a funeral, an' to render as ugly as possible, faces an' forms'at God had made beautiful; an' they'd each on 'em a bag i' ther hand wi a few coppers in it, an' they shook'em as yo went past. Aw did drop a copper into one but Billy wod'nt, for he sed if they wanted to cadge let'em goa aght into th' street an' cadge reight. ”

“ It is almost an everyday story, but it is only an individual case of reaping the whirlwind when the seed has been so plentifully sown.
"Nature! impartial goddess!—never forgets her duties," sed Peter, braikin off throo what he'd been sayin, an' aw could'nt help thinkin ha mich beauty a chap loises, and what joys he misses wi liggin i' bed ov a neet—Reight enuff a chap cannot be up booath day an' neet, but its worth while for ony body to sacrifice a bit o' sleep nah an' then for th' sake o' seein what th' world luks like when its wakkenin. ”

“ Sittin' under a tree has it's advantages, but ther's allusa drawback to all pleasures i' this life. Th' French fowk as a nation are varry perlite, but they dooant seem to have eddi-cated th' burds up to th' same pitch, an' aw suppooas burds will be burds whether they're i' Payris or i' Pudsey; at onyrate, when aw pickt up mi brandy an' watter aw saw ther'd been an addition to it sin th' waiter put it daan,'at caused me to teem it daan th' gutter asteead o' daan mi throit. Billy tuk warnin' bi my mishap an' he made sewer o' his. ”

“ We booath on us wanted a wesh, an' on a little table we'd each on us a cream jug an' sugar basin, an' we had to mak th' best on em; thear wor noa feear on us sloppin' ony watter abaat, for if we had ther'd ha been nooan left. After dippin' us finger ends in we rubbed us faces ovver an' tryin' to believe at we wor a deeal better for th' trouble we started for a luk raand aghtside. Aw thowt Billy lukt varry glum agean an' as he did'nt offer to tell me th' reason aw axd him if ther wor owt'at had'nt suited him? ”

“ Soa th' maister turned raand an' tell'd em all ha ther'd been a mistak an' after laffin a bit, they pitied us an' coom to stroke us daan as if we'd been a couple o' cannibals at had swollered a missionary in a mistak', an' wor to be sympathised wi, becoss we knew noa better. An' if Billy had been a cannibal he could'nt ha been moor savage nor he wor when one old woman wi a face like a dried caah blether, went an' shoved her maath under his nooas an' gave him sich a dooas o' onions'at that an' a bit o' liver wod ha done for his braik-fast. ”

“ Ther wor a lot o' gooid paintins i' th' French gallery, an' it towt me th' meanin o' what fowk call 'poor art,' for th' French art is too poor to find clooas for th' men an' wimmen they paint, for throo one end o' th' raam to t'other it lukt like nowt as mich as a empty swimmin bath whear a craad o' wimmin, three rows deep, wor waitin' for th' watter to come in. ”

“ Gie me a lark'at shaks his wings as sooin as th' sun sends aght his furst pale ray as an agent i' advance to tell th' world he's gooin to show agean, an' starts towards heaven whear he hings, a dot agean a dull blue dome, an' pours his melody on an awakenin eearth, cheerin the sad an' addin' joy to them whose cup wor full exceptin for those drops ov harmony. ”

“ An' yet someha or other, nubdy seemed to be in a hurry—th' street cars are run thear to save th' trouble o' walkin', but ther seems to be noa idea o' savin time. If a chap wants to ride he nivver thinks to wait wol a car comes up to him, he walks on till he ovvertaks one. Th' cabs are a little bit better as regards speed but aw could'nt help thinkin' at if they'd give th' horses moor oats an' less whip it ud be better for all sides. Aw nivver i' mi life heeard owt like th' whipcrackin' at wor to be heeard ith' busy streets, it reminded me o' nowt soa mich as th' fourth o' July in America ”

“ Aw've oft seen th' owl stuck up as a symbol o' wisdom, but aw could nivver understand it: an' aw should be thankful if one o' them cliver chaps'at know soa mich wod kindly point aght to me whear th' sense is, i' sittin an' blinkin all th' day, when th' sun is makkin ivverything lovely, an' turnin aght at neet when all is dark an' solemn, to drop onto some timid little maase at wod ha been aght i' th' daytime if it dar. ”

“ Aw wor a bit put aght an' aw knew he wor, soa we nawther on us sed another word but kept marchin' on an' aw wor i' hooaps o' meetin' a poleeceman to see if he could tell us whear we wor, but th' poleece are th' same all th' world ovver, for they're nivver thear when they're wanted. Aw felt sewer we should meet with a cab or summat, but th' streets seemed as if ivverybody'd gooan to bed all at once. It'll be a long time befoor aw forget that walk, aw lukt all raand an' up an' daan but aw couldn't see a thing awd ivver seen befoor except th' mooin an that couldn't help me ony ”

“ Square an' stopt a minit to luk at a faantain, a moniment, or a wonderful buildin, or went a short distance along th' river's bank or made a cut throo a street, an' we'd noa time to do owt but admire all we saw, whether it wor natural or artificial an' th' impressions o' th' neet befoor seemed like ugly fancies at th' mornins flood o' beauty an' gaiety wor quickly sweepin away—Aw could'nt help but repeat,
"One little favour, O, 'Imperial France! ”

“ Th' sun has his wark to get ovver that i' daycent time in a mornin tha can bet!" An' if th' chap he's showin it too should happen to say'at 'he'd seen hills ten times as big,' he'd shak his heead an' say—"Awve heeard fowk tawk like that befoor; but it's th' biggest hill awve ivver seen, an' it'll be time enuff for me to believe ther's a bigger when aw find one; but inasmich as he's nivver been monny yards away throo hooam he believes'at Beacon hill is th' biggest hill yet." ”

“ They seem to think a deeal moor o' ther deead nor we do, for ther wor hardly a stooan or a grass covered grave but what had wreaths o' flaars strewn over'em, yet amang all th' craads'at passed us aw could find no trace o' sorrow or sadness, an' them'at had flaars i' ther hands to lay ovver th' remains o' one'at had been dear to'em when livin', wor laffin an' chattin' away as if they wor gooin' to a gala, but yet they all wor dressed in the "habiliments of woe"—fashion an' show,—nowt else!
"What impious mockery, when, with soulless art,
Fashion, intrusive, seeks to rule the heart ”

“ Well, aw do wonder what they'll do next! ther's engines here big enuff to work a factory, an' a rooap thick enuff to tug th' Great Eastern an' as mich clooath used to mak that gurt bag as ud ha supplied ivvery poor body i' Payris wi a new suit, an' as mich gas to fill it as ud sarve my aleus for aw dooant know ha long; an' ther's as monny sailors to attend to it, as John de Morgan can find sixpences ith' collectin' box, an' its all for what? Nowt i' this world but to suit a lot o' strackle-brained fooils at'll be just as wise, or less, after they've come daan as they wor befoor they went up. ”

“ Awd read abaat it befoor an' knew all abaat th' silly lumpheeads'at spent days o' labor to pool it daan, as if bi destroyin that they could blot aght th' memory o' th' man it wor raised to honor; whearas if it wor possible to sweep ivvery stick an stooan'at forms ther splendid city, off th' face o' th' eearth, an' leeav nowt but a barran tract o' land in its place, noa pilgrim wanderin ovver it but what wod find his thowts circlin raand th' memory ov Napoleon. All honour to them, who while strivin to wrest an empire from his successor's grasp, raised once agean this monument to his fame. ”

“ Th' trees sparkled as they shook ther leaves an' th' buildins stood aght agean th' breet blue sky as if they'd been cut aght o' cleean card-booard. Men sauntered along puffin ther cigerettes, or set ith' front o' one o' th' cafes, en-joyin th' luxary o' havin nowt to do, an' knowin ha to do it. It wodn't interest yo to tell yo whear we went; for yo'at nivver wor thear ud be noa wiser an' yo at have been can tell for yorsen. It wor a long drive, an' we stopt at last at th' Arc de Triomphe de L'Etoile an' aw should think ther isnt sich another seet ith' world. ”

“ Nah, it'll saand strange to some fowk to hear tell abaat ridin throo a main sewer in a railway carriage, but its just as true as it is strange—th' carriages are nobbut little ens reight enuff, an' ther's noa engins, but ther's men to pool an' men to shov an' yo goa along varrv nicely—its like travellin throo a big railway tunnel nobbut ther's a river runnin along side on yo or under yo all th' way, an' net a varry nice en—but awm sewer awve seen th' Bradford beck as mucky an' as black. ”

“ Billy's heart wor inclined to oppen—nay, it did oppen, an' he gave him a franc, an' when he gate it, th' tears rushed into his een an' altho' he wor a Frenchman his tongue wor useless for his heart wor soa heigh up in his throit'at he could'nt spaik, an' Billy lifted his fist an' sed, (but in a voice at wor varry shaky to say it belanged to Billy,) "Tak thi hook! if tha doesnt awl punce thi!" an' for th' next three minits he did nowt but blow his nooas an' complain abaat havin getten some dust in his e'e—A'a! he's nooan all guts isnt Billy! ”

“ When we'd squared up we went aghtside agean, an' pickin' aght a little table'at wor as far removed as onny throo th' craad'at wor sittin' ith' front, an' one'at wor grandly shaded wi' a young sycamore tree, we ordered brandy an' watter an' cigars, an' sat daan intendin to enjoy th' richness an' th' beauties ov an evenin' sich as it mud be a long time befoor we should have th' chonce ov enjoyin' agean. ”

“ We coom anent one grand place whear th' winders wor blazin wi leet an' we went in. It wor another o' them grand shops sich as we'd seen soa monny on, but all along one side wor little raams screened off, an' they called em Cabinet particulier an' we went into one;—ther's noa mistak abaat th' luxury an' beauty o' theas little places, but it doesnt tak th' e'e ov a hawk to see even moor in one nor they'd wish aghtsiders to believe. ”

“ The stumps of cigars and cigarettes are what form the snuff of the most fastidious men who indulge in the habit—the scraps of old paper are all utilised and every bit of rag is converted to good use—the garbage, consisting of outside leaves of cabbages, turnip tops and even rotten fruit serve as ingredients for soups sold in the inferior restaurants ”

“ Nah, awve monny a time nooaticed what an' amaant o' courage ther is in a pair o' booits an' a pair o' britches, for aw nivver yet met a brave man when in his shirt an nowt else—let a chap have his booits an' his britches on, an' he'll run th' risk o' havin' a bullet sent throo his heead or his heart, but ther's net monny at'll goa bare fooit an' run th' risk o' havin' ther corns trodden on. ”

“ We've getten into th' wrang haase!"
"Then awm one'at's baan to get aght," he sed, an' seizin' his booits off th' harthstun he aght o' th' door like a shot—he didn't limp then, awl awarrant yo! Aw sammed up my booits an' seizin' th' kay aw after him in a twinklin' When we gat into th' street ther worn't a soul stirrin' Aw lukt up at th' winders to mak sewer we wor anent us own lodgins an' then aw went to th' end o' th' buildin', an' aw saw a door'at we'd missed befoor. "Here we are, Billy!" ”