Katai Tayama

“ The pains of living which men and women over thirty-five to thirty-six years of age experience most frequently--worry about their work, and sexual dissatisfaction—-all these lay heavily upon his mind with tremendous pressure. Yoshiko was both flower and nourishment for his humdrum daily life. Through her bewitching power, flowers bloomed in Tokio's heart which had been like a barren wilderness; and a rusted bell was again on the verge of ringing. Because of Yoshiko Tokio had been instilled with the vigor to again start life. ”

“ Walking on the street, he would meet a man strolling happily in the company of his beautiful and stylish wife; when he visited his friends, he saw their wives joining in with their husbands and enlivening things with an easy flow of conversation; but when Tokio compared these women with his wife, who did not even care to read his novels that were written with a great deal of effort, and was utterly unconcerned about her husband's worries, and felt she had only to raise their children satisfactorily; his soul could not help but scream with loneliness. ”

“ Could it be that all the affection she showed me was merely affection and not love?
Many passionate letters--the relationship between the two people was by all standards extraordinary. He had a wife, he had children, there were reputations to maintain, there was a mentor-pupil relationship between them, and for just these reasons they had not dared to fall into ardent love with each other but behind the throbbing of their breasts while they were talking, and the sparkling of their eyes when they looked at each other, there certainly lurked a violent storm. ”

“ If you insist on staying in Tokyo, I must choose one or the other plan: Either Yoshiko returns home or I disclose to her parents your relationship and seek their permission for marriage. I don't think that you are such an egoistic man as to force your loved one, for your own advantage, to be buried in oblivion in the mountains. I hear that you are tired of engaging in religion on account of this recent affair but that's merely one way of thinking; if only you have patience and remain in Kyoto, everything will turn out satisfactorily, and your relationship will have hopes for the future. ”

“ Dreams after dreams, and before she knew it her dream turned out to be a long letter and went to Kyoto. Thick letters arrived almost every other day from Kyoto. The affection of these two people for each other which could not be exhausted by any amount of writing--as their letters were too frequent, Tokio waited for a chance when Yoshiko was not at home and, restraining his conscience under the excuse of being her guardian, secretly searched her desk drawers and her letter box and what have you. He glanced very quickly over a couple of her lover's letters that he found. ”

“ Nay, even the very conditions of nature--the growth of the garden shrubbery, the drops of rain, the bloom and fall of the blossoms--seemed to him to make his humdrum life all the more humdrum, and he was so forlorn he did not know what to do with himself. He keenly felt that he would like, if possible, to make a new love with the young and beautiful woman whom he always saw on the road. ”

“ Yokoyama is quite reasonable," said Tokio taking up the old man's words. "He said he would wait three years for your sake. For him to say he will grant you three years sufficient time for you to prove your sincerity is indeed the greatest favor that could be bestowed on you, Tanaka. Even if he said a man who seduced another man's daughter need not talk seriously about marriage, and unknown to you he took Yoshiko home, you would have no just reason to grudge him for his action. ”

“ Tanaka told this man that since he could not devote himself to religion he wished to make his way in literature in the future, and asked Kōzu to send him to Tokyo. Kōzu got very angry on hearing this, and said, 'If that's the way you want it, do as you please.' So Tanaka made all arrangements to act on his own. . . . I really don't know what to do with him."
"Nonsense!" Tokio said, "Try once more to stop him. Even if he wants to establish himself as a writer, he can't do it; it's only an illusion, one of the worst kinds. ”

“ For Tokio, to be living meekly in this era with a wife who wore the old-fashioned married women's hairdo, who walked like a duck, and knew nothing but obedience and virtue was the most wretched thing of all. ”

“ Whenever Tokio heard this sort of grumbling, he always took Yoshiko's side replying, "Such old-fashioned persons as you just can't understand Yoshiko's feelings. People seem to think it suspicious if they see a man and woman so much as strolling or talking together, but, after all, thinking or speaking like that is in itself old-fashioned. Nowadays since women are self-aware, once they have made up their minds to do something, they just go ahead and do as they please." ”

“ Young women's hearts are easily carried away. One minute they seem to be gay but the next minute they are depressed. They are easily excited by trifling things, and equally readily hurt by matters of no importance. Tokio was ceaselessly perplexed over Yoshiko's gentle attitude that neither seemed to be one of love, nor yet not of love. The power of morals and the restraints of customs can be more easily destroyed than torn cloth, given the opportunity. What does not come readily is the opportunity. ”

“ No wonder educators talked at great length about the problems of women. Tokio imagined the pains the old man must be feeling, and Yoshiko's tears over her desolated life. Among the passers-by some looked knowingly at the girl student, beautiful as a flower, going along under the watch of her father and a middle-aged man, with a full load of luggage.
After reaching the inn at Kyōbashi, the old man collected his luggage, and paid the bill. This was the same inn that Yoshiko and her father had stayed at three years ago when they first came to Tokyo. Tokio had once paid them a visit at this inn. ”

“ To concede a point, even if she loved me, I am her teacher and she is my student; I am a married man who has a wife and children while she is a beautiful flower in her prime; then what good would it have done for us to be increasingly conscious about each other? ”

“ In his enraged heart there was no room for understanding the reason for Yoshiko's daring to make this confession--her attitude of completely baring her heart and leaning on him. Stamping noisily Tokio went upstairs and sat down alongside Yoshiko's desk, where she still hid her face and said. "Once things have gone so far, there is no more hope. I can't help you any more. I return this letter to you and swear to keep this matter secret. In any case, your attitude of trusting me as your mentor is nothing to be ashamed of in a modern Japanese woman. ”

“ After Yoshiko left, Tokio's face suddenly became grim. "Can I handle this love affair? Can I...?" he cross-examined himself. "A young bird should be mated with a young bird. A person of my age no longer has beautiful wings to attract this young bird." ”

“ Tokio proudly lectured Yoshiko on his views relating to this controversy, "It's time women should be aware. It's no good for a woman still to be so weak-minded as to depend too much on others. As Sudermann's Magda [1] said, if a woman is so lacking in courage as to allow herself to be transferred immediately from the hands of her father into the hands of her future husband, she is worthless. As one of Japan's newly awakened women you must think and act on your own initiative." ”

“ Tokio, who had been silently listening for some time, suddenly raised his voice, as Tanaka seemed to be too stubborn, and said, "Look, I've been listening for some time, but can't you understand even when he has gone into such great detail to explain his point of view to you? He's not accusing you. He is saying that regardless of your sins and your shameless behavior if things work out that way in the future, he won't forbid your marriage. You're too young; Yoshiko-san is also still in the midst of her studies. ”

“ When he placed a set of futon, made of chintz in an another closet, the lingering smell of Yoshiko entered his nostrils and he felt queer.
About two o'clock in the afternoon her room, for the time being, was put in order.
"What do you think? This place won't be too bad for your study, will it?" Tokio proudly said with a smile. "Stay here, and study diligently. It's really no use getting involved in real-life problems and being needlessly hurt."
"Yes, I believe so. . . ." said Yoshiko looking down. ”

“ A young woman's mind is not easily judged. Her warm pleasing affection was perhaps a natural development characteristic of the expression of her eyes which looked beautiful, her attitude which seemed gentle was perhaps all unconscious, and unintended like the kind of solace that the wild flowers give to the person who looks at them. ”

“ If only Tanaka succeeds in his future plans, I'm quite ready to be buried in the country. I will return home."
Dead silence again prevailed in the room.
After a while, Tokio said, changing his tone, "Let that be as it may, why can't you return to Kyoto? You can go back to Dōshisha after explaining about the situation to your benefector in Kobe, apologizing to him for your past misbehavior. There's no logical reason for you to try to become a literary man, just because Yoshiko-san is hoping to become a writer. You could once more become a religious man, a theologian, a minister." ”

“ Living with a group of girl students who used to tease the cook by pouring soy sauce over the rice and protesting that the cook had failed to prepare delicious pumpkin for them, learning to say one thing and mean another according to the eccentric moods of their elderly house mother, how could they see things as plainly as girls who were reared in their own homes? Before Yoshiko knew it, she had been influenced by these tendencies--to be beautiful, to foster ideals and to be vainglorious--and fully shared all the merits and demerits of the girl students of the Meiji era. ”

“ Watching Tokio's face she said, "Is something wrong?"
"No. But sister. . . ." Tokio's voice became formal. "To be frank, if I leave Yoshiko under your care and something like her recent affair in Kyoto should happen again, I would be embarrassed; I'm thinking of keeping Yoshiko in my house so that I can completely supervise her conduct."
"Oh? That's a good idea. To tell the truth, since Yoshiko-san is such a strong minded person, an uneducated person like me can't...." ”

“ To say the least Tokio's lonely life was changed by the presence of Yoshiko. His present wife had once been his former sweetheart. She had certainly once been his sweetheart, but now Tokio's feelings towards her had changed. For the past four or five years, with the sudden rise in women's education and the establishment of women's colleges, girl students had begun to wear fashionable low pompadour hair styles and long skirts of reddish-brown color, and no girls were bashful when they walked side by side with their boy friends. ”

“ Good looks are essential for a woman. A man ignores an ugly woman, no matter how talented she may be. In his heart Tokio thought that she must be ugly as usually is the case of a woman who wants to study literature. Yet, he hoped that, if possible, she would be a woman of acceptable appearance.
Having obtained permission from her parents, Yoshiko, accompanied by her father, visited Tokio's home in February of the next year; it was just the seventh day after Tokio's third son was born. ”

“ It is always the state of mind of one who loves that provided he could only capture his loved one, he would be satisfied even if he had a powerful enemy.
"I'm sorry about coming home so late," she apologized to him awkwardly.
"I hear that you strolled over to Nakano, is that so?" Tokio asked her abruptly.
"Yes. . . ." Yoshiko again quickly tried to read Tokio's expression.
His sister-in-law served them tea. Opening the present, she found some of the cream cakes which she liked so much. "Oh! my! How delicious they are," she joyfully said. ”

“ I do not care even if I am disowned. Although my parents criticize us as if we are depraved and say we have scarcely reached marriageable age, but how could our love be such a frivolous affair? Besides, they say that I should take my family status into account, but I hope you will agree with me that I am not such an old-fashioned woman as to select a husband for my parents' convenience. Sensei, my mind is made up. Yesterday, at Ueno Library I saw an advertisement for a woman apprentice, and I am going to apply for the position. I believe if we work hard we will not starve to death. ”

“ Tokio's heart pounded. His peace was all of the sudden ruptured.
After supper, Yoshiko was questioned about the post card. Looking embarrassed Yoshiko said, "Sensei, I really don't know what to do; Tanaka says he is coming up to Tokyo. . . . I've told him not to two or three times, but he says that prompted by this recent affair, he is tired of engaging in religion and living under pretence, and nothing is going to keep him from coming up to Tokyo."
"What is he going to do in Tokyo?"
"He wants to study literature."
"Literature? What do you mean 'literature'? Does he want to write a novel?" ”

“ He quickly went out as he was, wearing a white plain summer kimono with a soiled crepe silk sash around his waist, and without a hat. His wife's voice could be heard trailing after him, "I'll be ready in a minute. . . . Really I don't know what to do with you."
The summer day's sunset was already approaching. Chirping could be heard in Sakai's Grove in Yarai. Supper seemed to be over in every household, and the white painted faces of the young daughters could be seen at the entrances of their houses. There were boys throwing balls. ”

“ Just as the Bible says a woman should forsake her parents and follow her husband, I intend to follow Tanaka.
Tanaka has yet to find a means to make a living. His savings have already been used up, and he had a wretched existence in the closing days of last year. I cannot endure standing idly by and watching his discomfort. Even if I do not receive any assistance from my parents, Tanaka and I will try to live in this world as far as it is possible by ourselves. ”

“ The flow of running waters, the falling of blooming flowers--when one realized the irresistible power that lurked at. the innermost depth of nature, nothing was so ephemeral as human beings.
Tears flowed down his unshaven face.
Suddenly, something entered his mind. Tokio stood up and began to walk. Night had fallen. All-night lamps, placed here and there, in the compound, shed their light, and he could clearly read on the surface the three characters for "All night light" written on them. These characters "All night light" moved him indescribably. ”