Margaret Pedler

“ Moreover, she was not, by nature, the maternal type of woman, to whom marriage is but the beautiful path which leads to motherhood. She was essentially one of the lovers of the world. Had she married her mate, she would have demanded nothing more of life, though if a child had been born of such mating, it would have seemed to her so beautiful and sure a link, so blended with love itself, that her arms would have opened to receive it.
“That's all nonsense, you know, sweetheart,” chided Roger, who was sublimely ignorant of these intricacies of the feminine heart and mind. ”

“ There was so much bitterness in his voice that Nan's heart was touched to a compassionate understanding.
“Ah! Don't speak like that!” she cried tremulously. “You know I'm giving you all I can, Roger. I've been quite fair with you—quite honest. I told you I had no love to give you, that I could never care for any one again—like that. And you said you would be content,” she added with reproach.
“I know I did,” he answered sullenly. “But I'm not. No man who loved you would be content! ”

“ Roger has made his choice, and of course he hasn't the least idea how unsuitable a one it is. Men rarely get beyond a pretty face. So it devolves upon me to make you better fitted to be his wife than you are at present. You understand?”
The cold, dispassionate speech roused Nan to a fury of exasperation and revolt. Evidently, in Lady Gertrude's mind, Roger was the only person who mattered. She herself was of the utmost unimportance except for the fact that he wanted her for his wife! She felt as if she were a slave who had been bartered away to a new owner. ”

“ Nan drew herself out of his arms.
“Well, I'm not your wife yet,” she said, trying to laugh away the queer, unexpected tensity of the moment. “Only a very hard-working young woman who has a concerto to play to you.”
He frowned a little,
“There's no need for you to work hard. I'd rather you didn't. I want you just to enjoy life, have a good time, and keep your music as a relaxation.”
Her face clouded over.
“Oh, Roger, you don't understand! I must do it. I couldn't live without it. It fills my life.” ”

“ With a stifled exclamation he caught her in his arms, crushing his mouth down on hers till her lips felt bruised beneath his kisses.
“It's not enough!” he said, his voice hoarse and shaken. “It's not enough! I want you—the whole of you! Nan —Nan!”
For an instant she struggled against him, almost instinctively. Then, remembering that she had given him the right to kiss her if he chose, she yielded, surrendering passively to the fierce tide of his passion. ”

“ Isobel laughed lightly and let fly one of her little two-edged shafts.
“I expect you think we're a lot of very commonplace people, Nan,” she commented. “Own up, now!” Her tone was challenging.
Lady Gertrude's eyes flashed like steel.
“Hardly that, I hope,” she said coldly.
“Well, we're none of us in the least artistic,” persisted her niece, perfectly aware that her small thrusts were as irritating to Lady Gertrude and Roger as the picador's darts to the bull in the arena. “So, of course, we must appear rather Philistine compared with Nan's set in London.” ”

“ He spoke violently, so violently that it roused Nan's spirit. She turned away from him.
“Don't be so absurd, Roger,” she said contemptuously. “Isobel was only joking. It was very silly of her, but it's sillier still for you to take any notice of what she said.”
“She was not joking. You've shown clearly enough ever since you came here that you're dissatisfied—bored! Do you suppose I haven't seen it? I'm not blind! And I won't stand it! If your music is going to come between us, I'll smash the piano!”
“Roger! You ridiculous person!” ”

“ A baby's a baby, and music's music. The one can't take the place of the other.”
Roger looked a trifle taken aback. He held old-fashioned views and rather thought that all women regarded motherhood as a duty and privilege of existence. And, inside himself, he had never doubted that if this great happiness were ever granted to Nan, she would lose all those funny, unaccountable ways of hers, which alternately bewildered and annoyed him, and turn into a nice, normal woman, like ninety-nine per cent of the other women of his somewhat limited acquaintance. ”

“ A feeling of reassurance crept over her, quieting the sense, of almost breathless panic which had, for a moment, overwhelmed her when she had pictured herself in Penny's place. There was dear old Ralph, looking quite ordinary and matter of fact, only rather sprucer than usual in his brand-new wedding garments, The feeling of reassurance deepened. Marriage wasn't so appalling. Good heavens! Dozens of people were married every day and she was quite sure they were not all wildly in love with each other. ”

“ The others will all go on singing and playing and making books and pictures, right in the heart of it all. While I shall be stuck away here by myself—making soup jellies!”
She sprang up and walked restlessly to the window, staring out at the undulating meadowland.
“I'm sick of the sight of those fields!” she exclaimed almost violently. “The same deadly, dull, green fields day after day. If—if one of them would only turn pink for a change it would be a relief!” Her breath caught in a strangled sob.
Sandy followed her to the window.
“Look here, Nan, you can't go on like this.” ”

“ Finished, at least, as far as it was possible without rehearsing the effect with orchestra, and, as Nan turned over the sheets of manuscript, she was conscious of that glorious thrill of accomplishment which is the creative artist's recompense for long hours of work and sacrifice, and for those black moments of discouragement and self-distrust which no true artist can escape. ”

“ Do you suppose Lady Gertrude will ask you to stay to lunch?”
“I hope so. But as it's only about ten-thirty a.m., lunch is merely a futurist dream at present.”
“I know. I wonder why there are such enormous intervals between meals in the country?” said Nan speculatively. “In town there's never any time to do things and meals are a perfect nuisance. Here they seem to be the only breaks in the day.”
“That,” replied Sandy sententiously, “is because you're leading an idle existence. You're not doing anything—so, of course, there's no time to do it in.” ”

“ Not to please him, but because she was genuinely anxious to win Lady Gertrude's liking, Nan yielded. Perhaps if she conceded this particular point it would pave the way toward a better understanding.
“Very well,” she said, smiling. “That especial frock shan't appear again while I'm down here. But it's a duck of a frock, really, Roger!” she affirmed with a feminine sigh of regret. ”

“ It would hardly be proper for a young, unmarried girl to stay there alone. Even if Roger were agreeable, I should not allow it while you are in my charge. Neither is it exactly complimentary to us that you should even suggest leaving Trenby.” With this parting comment she left the room.
When she had gone Nan stared stonily out of the window. She felt hopeless, helpless to withstand the thin, steel-eyed woman who was Roger's mother. Nominally free, she was to all intents and purposes a prisoner at Trenby Hall until Kitty or Penelope came home. ”

“ He regarded her in silence for a moment.
“I don't think you'll ask me to release you from your engagement again,” he said slowly.
“No,” she whispered tonelessly. “No.”
She tottered almost as if she were going to fall. With a sort of rough kindliness he put out his hand to steady her, but she shrank from him like a beaten child. ”

“ Nan looked faintly puzzled.
“Then I hope you will rearrange matters.”
Lady Gertrude's manner, though colder and infinitely more precise, was as arrogant as Roger's, with the kind of arrogance which calmly assumes that any opposition is out of the question.
“It would be the greatest disappointment to the tenantry,” she continued, “if they were unable to witness the marriage of my son, as they would have done, of course, if he'd married some one of the district. So I hope that Mrs. Seymour will arrange for your wedding to take place from Mallow Court.” ”

“ You ought to be turning 'em into music so that the people who've got only bricks and mortar to stare at can get a whiff of them.”
Nan gazed at him in astonishment. This was a new, surprising Sandy who was talking to her with the forcefulness of a man.
“As for being 'out of it,' as you say,” he went on emphatically, “if you are, it's only by your own consent. Any one who composes as you can need never be out of it. If you'd only do the big stuff you're capable of doing, you'd be 'in it' right enough! ”

“ You're mine! Do you understand what that means? It means if you'd one day left to live, it would be my day—one night, mine! And I swear to you if any man takes you from me I'll kill him first and you after. ”

“ Kitty always declares you're the youngest of us all.”
His eyes smiled back at her.
“Unfortunately, my dear, Time takes no account of juvenile spirit. His job is with these bodies of ours. But the spirit,” he added dreamily, “and its youthfulness—that's for eternity.”
“But you look quite well—quite well,” she insisted. And her manner was the more positive because in her inmost mind she thought she could detect a slight increase of that frail appearance she had first noticed on Penelope's wedding day.
“I've had hits, Nan, Nature's wireless. ”

“ But he doesn't! I know he doesn't. It's only you who think such hateful things. And—and I won't stay here! I—I can't!”
“It's foolish to talk of breaking off your engagement,” returned Lady Gertrude composedly. “Roger is not a man to be picked up and put down at any woman's whim—as you would find out if you tried to do it.”
Inwardly Nan felt bitterly conscious that this was true. She didn't believe for a moment that Roger would release her, however much she might implore him to. And unless he himself released her, her pledge to him must stand. ”

“ A distracted young woman from the village had called to ask Lady Gertrude's advice as to how she should deal with a husband who seemed to find his chief entertainment in life in beating her with a broomstick and in threatening to “do her in” altogether, if the application of the broomstick proved barren of wifely improvement. Accordingly, Lady Gertrude and her aid-de-camp, Isobel, were closeted with the terrified creature, leaving Nan and Roger alone.
“It's good, Roger,” said Nan, when she had told him that the concerto was finished. “It's really good. ”

“ Mutual understanding is impossible between two people whose sense of values is fundamentally opposed, and music, the one thing that had counted throughout Nan's life, was a matter of supreme unimportance to the older woman.
Since Sandy's: stimulating visit Nan had devoted considerable time to the composition of her concerto, working at it with a recrudescence of her old enthusiasm, and the work had been good for her. Unfortunately, however, the hours she spent in the seclusion of the west parlor were not allowed to pass without comment. ”

“ CHAPTER XIX. A sense of bustle and mild excitement pervaded Trenby Hall. The hounds were to meet some distance away and a hunting morning invariably necessitated the services of at least two of the menservants and possibly those of an observant maid to get Roger off successfully.
“My hunting boots, Jenkins!” he demanded as he issued from the library. “And look sharp with them! Flask and sandwich case—that's right.” He busied himself bestowing these two requisites in his pockets.
Nan, cool and unperturbed, joined him in the hall, a small, amused smile on her face. ”

“ For him and for her there could be no star. To the end of life they two must go empty-handed.
CHAPTER XXIV. The big limousine was already at the door when Lady Gertrude and Isobel, clothed from head to foot in somber black, descended from their respective rooms. Roger, also clad in the same funereal hue, wearing a black tie—and looking as if his garments afforded him the acme of mental discomfort—stood waiting for them, with Nan, in the hall.
Lady Gertrude bestowed one of her chilly kisses upon her son's fiancée and stepped into the car, Isobel followed, and Roger brought up the rear. ”

“ You have other things—your music, for instance. Many people have to go through life with only their work for company—whereas you are Roger's whole world.”
With the New Year Lord St, John returned to town. Nan missed him every minute of the day, but she had drawn new strength and steadfastness from his kindly counsels.
CHAPTER XX. For the first few days succeeding Lord St. John's departure from Trenby Hall, matters progressed comparatively smoothly. Then, as his influence waned with absence, the usual difficulties reappeared, the old hostilities arose once more between Nan and Lady Gertrude. ”