Marion Harland

“ The girl or young matron who reclines in an easy chair, while her grandparent, mother, father, or woman-guest stands, is as guilty of rudeness as her brother would be were he to do the same.
It is not on the men alone that the etiquette of [234] the home depends. Indeed, it is the place of the mother to see that little lapses in good breeding are not overlooked. And she is the one who should, by her unselfishness, her gentle courtesy, and unfailing politeness in even the smallest items, show forth the spirit of true kindness, on which all good manners are founded. ”

“ To neglect to write the letter demanded by those twin sisters, Conventionality and Courtesy, is a grave breach of the etiquette of the visitor.
Hospitality as a duty has been written up from the beginning of human life. The obligations of those who, in quaint old English phrase, “guesten” with neighbors, or strangers, have had so little attention it is no wonder they are lightly considered, in comparison.
We hear much of men who play the host royally, and of the perfect hostess. If hospitality be reckoned among the fine arts and moral virtues, to “guesten” aright is a saving social grace. ”

“ One’s relation to charity should not be accidental, but should form a part of the plan of one’s life. It is not very creditable to give to a good cause only because one is besieged to do so, or because one is ashamed to say “no.” When the young married couple sit down together for their first discussion of finance, of how much they shall spend for house, for clothes, how much for food, how much for amusement and so on, this question of what shall be done for those poorer than themselves should have a place. No matter how small the sum possible, something should be given to philanthropic work. ”

“ If all the inmates of a house are in the habit, as they should be, of making some change in their toilet for dinner, this of itself makes a sharp line of demarcation between the work-time and the play-time of the twenty-four hours. The hint of festivity in attire induces a happy and a festive frame of mind, imparts just that touch of difference from the habit of prosaic daylight necessary to send the mind sailing off into pleasant channels. ”

“ To render social life as interesting, as charming, as beautiful as possible, to make the social machinery run smoothly and without friction,—this is their aim. Such people give quality to social intercourse. They observe the little amenities of life with grace. They know how to enter a room and how to leave it. They convey by the bow with which they greet one on the street the proper degree of acquaintanceship or friendship. They dress with propriety. They take time by the forelock in the adoption of new devices for the entertainment of their friends. ”

“ A young woman shrinks from receiving calls from her young men acquaintances in ugly surroundings and in a room filled perhaps with uncongenial girls or those indifferent to her. It is not improper, under these circumstances, that she should see her men friends elsewhere,—at the college library, at the house of some married friend or in the course of a walk planned beforehand. But it is in wretched taste for her to loiter on the streets with a young man, to stop on corners for talk, to walk back and forth repeatedly from college to boarding-place in his company. ”

“ Nowhere in America does she occupy the perfectly defined position that she holds in Europe; nowhere in America are her duties so arduous as those imposed on her in older countries. The idea that a chaperon for young people is necessary on all occasions offends the taste of the American. It is even opposed to his code of good manners. That a young woman should never be able in her father’s house to receive, without a guardian, the young men of her acquaintance, is alien to the average American’s ideal of good breeding and of independence in friendship. ”

“ If one person does the dusting, another the mending, another the cooking, another the sweeping, and so on through the list of necessary employment in a household, the burden need not fall too heavily upon any one. No paid servant can feel the interest in successful achievement that rewards the effort of those who are laboring for the convenience and beauty of their own home. A household conducted on plans of the most rigid economy may still be cheerful and even charming if the members of it choose to view the matter in a sort of Bohemian, picnicking spirit. ”

“ Not to appear in one’s best when the occasion is suited to happy raiment is to do both one’s self and the occasion an injustice. Most people are at their best when they have the consciousness of being attractively attired, and one may be sure that the hostess always appreciates any effort made by her guests toward increasing the charm of the social picture which she has composed. A dark or dowdy dress is an ugly note in such a group and reveals in the woman who causes it an insufficient sense of the compliment that has been extended to her. ”

“ It is, and it has been through centuries, the place of the man to take the initiative in such matters. If he wants to call on a girl, let him, as a rule, have the courage to ask her if he may do so; if he wishes to correspond with her, he should ask her permission to write to her. And if he does none of these things of his own volition, they may go undone. The girl who, through love of admiration, or the desire for men’s attention, takes these initial steps, loses her self-respect, and, unless the man in question be an exceptional instance, awakens in his breast a sensation of amused interest. ”

“ Newlyrich is frequently criticized for her frequent fondness for lion-hunting. This is not always fair. If she hunt because of the glory she hopes to heap on herself, she deserves ridicule, but if she do it in the spirit of genuine appreciation and a desire to give rare pleasure to her friends she performs a real service to art and to society and merits praise for her courage and kindness, not censure.
If the woman who is now wealthy was once a trained nurse or a stenographer, do not let her be ashamed of the fact now. ”

“ It is surprising how many people, at other times well-bred, quite lose their tempers at bridge or whist. The scent of a prize seems to arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with possessing if one met them away from the card table. The only proper attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what unspeakable blunders your partner may commit. ”

“ Too often the physician who is not a gentleman at heart trades on the fact that his patients regard him as a necessity, and is as disagreeable as his temper at the moment demands that he shall be. He intimates that he is so busy that he has scarcely time to give his advice; that the person he attends had no business to get ill, and, in fact, makes himself generally so disagreeable it is to be wondered at that the sufferer ever calls in this man again. Yet in a drawing-room, and talking to a well person, this man’s manner would be charming. ”

“ Unless a woman knows all about a fellow guest, she should not get into the habit of running into her room, or of talking with her as with a lifelong friend. She may be pleasant toward all, and intimate with none.
It is a well-known fact that there is no other hotbed of gossip equal to a hotel or a boarding-house. Women, released from the cares and anxieties of housekeeping and home-making, turn their time and thoughts to fancy work and scandal. Each arrival runs the gantlet of criticism and comment, and afterward becomes the subject of “confidential” conversations upon veranda and in parlors. ”

“ The best flavor of a successful dinner party lies not in the food, however grateful that may be to the palate, but in the talk. A dinner is the entertainment at which sprightly natural talk counts for the most; and this is probably the reason that the world over the dinner is considered the most elegant and distinguished form of entertainment. ”

“ Dear girls, be happy, be merry, have all the harmless fun that the good God, who wishes you to be happy, sends your way. But for the sake of the man who may one day seek you and win you—for the sake of the womanhood that he would honor—let all men know that you are labeled—“HANDS OFF!” and that you are not to be cheaply gained. They will love you better, respect and honor you more for that knowledge. ”