Martha Russell Orne

“ The by-play that goes on among the scholars who are not reciting must be of such a nature that it will not attract the attention of the teacher unless it is a part of the programme.
The motion song can be introduced elsewhere in the dialogue if advisable.
As a rule, pupils should raise hands (at the same time saying “Huh! huh!” or snapping thumb and finger) , and obtain permission before speaking; but where the dialogue becomes spirited, this rule may be broken. ”

“ EIGHTH PUPIL. Well, a spinster is one who spins, ain’t it?
COM. Mebbe, mebbe! But heow ken ye say that of Seth Crane, that never did a useful thing in his life?
EIGHTH PUPIL. I should think that any fellar that spins a top ’ud be a spinster.
COM. Wal, you’ve got me there, youngster. I reckon ye’re right. Next, tell me the meaning of excruciating.
GIRL (glibly) . Excruciating means that natural and peculiar prohibition of undulatory and molecular attraction which encompasses the plausibility of capillary promulgation and gelatinous hyperbole, while giving an enallage of paradigms. ”

“ TEACHER. Yes. (Exit SETH, who grimaces at JONES as he goes out.)
(The TEACHER now takes tuning-fork and gives the pitch. The new scholars, without creating any disturbance, can make ludicrous attempts to take the movements with the others. As the singing begins the COMMITTEE-MAN rises, whereupon a boy immediately takes his hat from the floor and puts it in the chair he has just vacated.) ”

“ TEACHER. Next!
B. F. S. (drawling) . My father knows you. He used ter go to school with you. Says you and him played hookey one day and tumbled inter the mill-pond—and—he! he! ye both got a flogging!—My name’s Benjamin Franklin Squeers, like my father’s. (Scholars titter.)
TEACHER. That will do, Benjamin Franklin. Your father evidently had some one else in mind. The class may sing the multiplication table. (Class sing “Five times one are five,” etc., to the tune of Yankee Doodle.)
TEACHER. You may now all take your books and slates. The infant class may pass out on the floor. ”

“ Two boys are appointed to get a bucket of water and pass it to the others in tin cups.)
NEXT PUPIL. Stephen—says—that—the—girls—are—kissing. (Boys laugh.)
GIRL (indignantly) . He didn’t read that right!
TEACHER. Very well. You may read it.
GIRL (still unmollified ) . Stephen says that girls are kittens.
(Teacher sends class to seats in disgrace to study their lesson.)
BOY (in seat) . Teacher, how many is five less one?
TEACHER. Think that out yourself. If there were five crows in Squire Green’s field and you should shoot one, how many would there be left?
BOY. Only one. ”

“ THOMAS HENRY. He shouldn’t have such big feet. I couldn’t stop to go round.
TEACHER. Thomas Henry, you may stop after school and I’ll remind you of a little promise I made a while ago. (ONE and TWO rejoice in dumb show over THOMAS HENRY’S downfall.) Julius, stand erect. Mary, take that gum out of your mouth. Bring that apple to me. All, toe the line. Attention!
COM. Neow, scholars, there is one thing I’m very pertickler ’bout, and that is pronouncé-ation. I want every one on ye tu be keerful on that one p’int. The fust word is charitable. ”

“ HE
curtain should rise upon an introductory front scene depicting the pupils on their way to school, singly, or in groups of two or three, swinging book-bags or dinner-pails; one group of girls play bean-bag; a group of boys play marbles; one boy tries to fly a kite; some skip, others walk sedately, or jump rope, drive hoop, etc.
(Enter BOY, whittling.)
BOY. Say, Seth, old Hickory’s coming! Got your hands all waxed, sonny? ’Cause you’ll have to ketch it hot and heavy this morning. Teacher’s awful mad about your stealing Squire Green’s apples. ”

“ The old lady’ll give me some of her nice doughnuts. (Smacking lips, he runs off. Boys pass off in other direction, crying, “Save some for us, Dan,” etc.)
The above merely serves to indicate the general nature of the dialogue that may be characteristically employed, the precise points to be made depending for their humorous value so entirely upon the identity of the actor in each case and their contradiction of his well-known character and dignity, that they must be left to the invention of the players. ”

“ EIGHTH PUPIL. My grandfather’s ninety years old and he’s smoked too!
FOURTH PUPIL. Well, and ef my grandfather was alive he’d be a hundred and fifty years old! So that don’t prove nothing.
THIRD PUPIL. Tobacco ain’t no poisoner nor pickles, anyhow. (Groan from the girls.) I went into the store t’other day to get some pickles for ma, and a feller—he was one o’ them city chaps that sells things—and he said, “You ain’t going to eat them sour green things, are you?” and I said, “No, I hain’t; why?” ”

“ BOY. This—is—a—warm—This—is—a—warm—doughnut—tread on it.
TEACHER (presenting dunce cap) . Put that on and stand in the corner. (Boy scuffs to corner, where he spends his time throwing spitballs and eating doughnuts, thrown him by pupils when the teacher is not looking.) Next read. (Boy steps up to ask teacher about an example.)
GIRL (prompted by one of the boys) . Thith ith a wurrum. Be—careful—not—to—tread—on—it (again prompted ) , or it will bite you.
TEACHER (to boy) . You have multiplied wrong. Let me see: five times nine are forty-five, put down the five and carry the four, etc. ”

“ COM. Oh—ahem!—that is very simple—ahem! ahem! in fact it is simplicity itself. It means—it means—well, I don’t want to overtax your young brain, my dear, so I will not explain now; but one of these days, when you are as wise as me and your teacher, you will understand all these profound thoughts. Hain’t that so, Mr. Snodgrass? Next, terbacker.
SEVENTH PUPIL. T-e-r, ter—b-a-c-k, back—terback—k-e-r, ker—terbacker. A poisonous leaf with niggertine in it; and ef the niggertine gets into the cistern, it’ll kill a man quicker’n a dog. ”

“ For we are not willing our lessons to shirk,
||: (21.) Though it’s jolly good fun, when singing our motion song. :||
COM. Very good, children, very good. Yew hev a very well behaved school, Mr. Snodgrass. (Sits down on his hat, crushing it all out of shape. Pupils all laugh. COM. picks it up and points at it indignantly. TEACHER apologizes in pantomime. COM. resentfully turns and starts to set it on the stove, but burns himself in so doing. Pupils laugh. COM. shakes his fist at them and exit [s] angrily.)
BOY (raising hand ) . Teacher, Matildy Weeks keeps laughing at me. ”

“ HE
characters in this little sketch should be played by prominent citizens of your town, if such can be prevailed upon to appear—the more elderly, staid, and incongruous in years and bearing, the better. Dignified professors, judges, doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc., should be prevailed upon to forget their present greatness, don the costumes and revive the scenes of their youth. ”

“ Teacher’s desk at R., stove L., chair for committee man in front of stove, desks at back, leaving an open space in front for classes, etc. Blackboard and map at back. Blackboard down in R. corner, by teacher’s desk, facing house. Door at back, C.
As pupils enter they courtesy to the teacher, and after hanging hats and bonnets on nails, take their seats. ”

“ TEACHER (hastily) . This class may take their seats. (Rap at door.) All who are out of their seats may return to them. Remember what I said about disorder. Heads erect. Remember your manners. Maria Sophrony, the door. (Enter COMMITTEE-MAN; all rise.)
CHORUS (drawling) . Good-morning—Mr. Committee-man!
COM. Good-mornin’, boys and gals! Good-mornin’, Mr. Snodgrass. (Shakes hands.) Thought I’d jest drap in to examine ye, bein’ the deestrict committee, an’ see how the edification was gettin’ on. I spose ye hev ’ritin’ an’ riffentick an’ readin’ every day? ”