“ In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street. ”

“ A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington, Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns) . Quite a number of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays. ”

“ Don't seem to care for smoking, somehow. Feel depressed, and ask dear old Bluewater to describe a sailor's grave. Tries to cheer me up by saying, "Don't waste the precious moments, my friend, on such sad subjects. You are not born to fill a seaman's grave. There's a class of man not born to be drowned, you know." Then he laughs heartily. Try to smile; fail. Pitching and rocking motion increases. Retire early and lie down on shelf. Fall off twice. Manage to reach perch again. Weather gets worse. Shall never sleep with noise of trampling on deck and waves washing yacht's sides. ”

“ Pompous Magnate (making speech at public luncheon in provincial town) . "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."
Cultured Neighbour (in audible whisper) . "Pardon me, but the two places are synonymous."
P. M. (patronisingly) . "Ah! So you may think, sir—so you may think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the most synonymous of the two." ”

“ They say, Mr. Dunk, that when one sets foot in Rome for the first time, one experiences a profound feeling of awe. The chaos of ruined grandeur, the magnificent associations, seem too much for one to grasp. ”

“ From the last-named place the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through. Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or other purposes. ”

“ But above all, wherever he goes, let his travels be within those green isles where he reigns as king of fun or as far afield as the land of the Sphinx, he diffuses that good humour which is the essential characteristic of the Englishman and adds so much to the joy of life. The present collection, illustrative of the humours of travel at home and abroad, certainly does not bear out the ancient criticism as to the English taking their pleasures sadly. Like many another book in this same library it proves rather that they take their misadventures joyously.
[Pg 7]
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
Mrs. ”

“ By the Silver Sea.—Seaside. Tripper—none too clean in appearance—charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy (about to enter next machine) , loq. I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow wouldn't bathe here.
Mamma. Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as clean as you, you know.
Tommy (eyeing Tripper closely) . Not in once, mamma!
[Pg 119]
AN APPRECIATION
(Train entering Venice)
Fair American. ”

“ The question of mixed bathing here has at length been set at rest by the Town Council issuing an order that nobody is to bathe at all. A decision so impartial as between the rival factions cannot fail to give satisfaction to all except the captious. ”

“ Warm and sunny weather still continues in this favoured spot. People wait half the morning for a bathing-machine and then look rather disappointed when they get it. The Simperton- [Pg 132] Swaggeringtons arrived yesterday, travelling first-class from the junction, two miles off (up to which point they had come third) . This has excited some unfavourable comment in the town.
Smellington-Super-Mare.
Large numbers of tripp—visitors, I mean, continue to pour into the town from Saturdays to Mondays, benefiting greatly by their small change. ”

“ Wasted Sympathy.—Scene—Interior of Railway Carriage. Lady (to gentleman who has just entered and is placing one of his fellow passenger's bags on the floor where there is a hot-water bottle) . Oh! Excuse me, sir, but, please don't put that near the hot-water bottle. I've got a little bird in the bag.
Elderly Gentleman (who is an enthusiastic Anti-Vivisectionist and prominent member of the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) . ”

“ Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves occupy.
3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies. ”

“ Billiard Enthusiast (having mistaken his room at the hotel, holding on to knobs of bed) . "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or plain?"
When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression?
[Pg 53]
ENGLAND AND GERMANY
British Nimrod (who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South Africa) . "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport unless it contains the element of danger." ”

“ Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.
5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.
6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open. [Pg 36]
7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.
8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.
9. Objectionable babies.
10. Objectors to babies.
And a job lot of grievances, viz.:—
11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements.
12. Clapham Junction.
13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds. ”

“ Obliging Hostess. "No, sir. But we can get you some!"
[Pg 171]
Lady (to her travelling companion, who has just had his finger-nail pinched badly) . "How horrid! I always think anything wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"
[Pg 172]
NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST
Jones. (Returning to England) . "We are quite fifty miles from the Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it distinctly now—can't you?"
Miss Brown (from America) . ”

“ Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust. Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank Holiday in London mournful enough. ”

“ He is anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense of a return ticket would be saved.
Anxious Mother.—So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. ”

“ The number of stowaways who secrete themselves in big vessels is becoming a growing evil. A Norwegian barquantine reached Plymouth on Friday with an entire cargo of hides.
A very Revolting Place.—Brazil.
[Pg 81]
French Tourist, on a visit to London for the first time, makes a note in his pocket-book of the name of the street in which his hotel is situated. ”

“ Here on account of the whiskies.
"A Question of the Hour."—Asking a railway porter the time of the next train's departure for your holiday resort.
[Pg 107]
Scene—The Summit of Vesuvius
American Tourist (to the world at large) . "Great snakes, it reminds me of hell!"
English Tourist. "My dear, how these Americans do travel!"
[Pg 109]
Friend (below) . "All you've got to do when I throw you the rope is to make it fast to that projection over your head, and lower yourself down!"
[Pg 110]
"THE CHURCH-GOING BELL"
Sunday morning, coast of Norway. (By our Yachting Artist.)
[Pg 111]
Parson. ”

“ Why do you tumble so?
While you heave and swell
One can't feel well,
And—I think I'll go below!
Motto for American Millionairesses.—
"Marry, come up!"
[Pg 85]
Scientific and Nervous Visitor at Country Hotel. "I suppose there's no 'ptomaine' in this pie?"
Waiter (equal to the occasion) . "No, sir. We never puts that in unless specially ordered!"
[Pg 87]
Dartmoor Way.
Tourist (in background) . "I say! Percy! We'd better be going now—unless you can see anything striking from where you are!"
[Pg 88]
Scene—Railway Refreshment Room. ”

“ Mrs. Ramsbotham was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that she preferred terra-cotta. She probably meant terra-firma.
[Pg 37]
"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"
When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with all his money in it, in the mail train going North. ”

“ Is fancy dress de rigueur?"
Choleric Colonel (who is Ball Secretary) . "Fancy dress, sir, is not de rigueur, but an invitation is!"
[Pg 33]
Up country Joys In India.
The Mem Sahib (with a view to seasonable festivities) . "I wonder if you have got such a thing as lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"
"Europe Shop" Keeper. "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel and 'beesham' peel!"
[Pg 34]
THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE
The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to go a little farther. ”

“ Got back in time for table d'hôte, but preferred sleep to food. Went to bed.
Wednesday.—Up with the lark. Off again travelling. On the road all day. Having to fit in the corresponding trains, had no leisure for meals. Arrived at our new resting-place late at night. So off as quickly as possible to bed. ”

“ Oh, ravissong!' and it mek everybody sink zat everybody else know French—it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it zemselfs!!! Ça vaut bien quinze cents francs, j'espère!"
[Pg 128]
Tourist (at small Irish inn, miles from anywhere) . "Look here, what does this mean? I left my boots out last night, and they haven't been touched."
Landlord (with honest pride) . "Thrue for ye, sorr! An' begorr', if ye'd left your gowld watch an' chain out, div'l a sowl wud 'a touched them nayther!"
[Pg 129]
'Arry Abroad.
Guide. "Monsieur finds eet a vairy eenteresting old place, ees eet not?" ”

“ Impressions on my feet by her sweet little bottines.
Impression on my mind, after Mrs. P. detected those bottines too near my boots, that it would be better not to be so susceptible another time.
Thought By A Tourist.—Too many Cook's Excursionists spoil the table d'hôte.
[Pg 19]
THE RULING PASSION
Customs Official. "Have you anything to declare?"
Absent-minded Traveller (Bridge-player, just catching last word) . "Oh, leave it to you!"
[Pg 20]
INTERNATIONAL COMPARISONS
Henri Dubois (who can speak English) to his friend 'Arry Smith (who can't) . "Pardon me, mon ami! ”

“ Sport most Appropriate to the Locality.—Shooting pigeons at Monte Carlo.
Pleasure à la Russe.—Q. When does a Russian give a Polish peasant a holiday?
A. When he gives him a knouting.
The Cry of the Holiday-loving Clerk.—"Easterward Ho!"
A dish that disagrees with most Persons when Travelling.—The Chops of the Channel.
The Greatest Bore in Creation.—The Simplon Tunnel.
[Pg 151]
The Brown Family Resolve To Spend Their Vacation Each After His Own Fashion, Instead Of en Famille. ”

“ English Tourist (in the far North, miles from anywhere) . "Do you mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"
Scotch Shepherd. "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"
The Place in Hot Weather.—Lazistan.
[Pg 29]
THE WATER CURE
Young Lady. "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"
The Professor. "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you know."
Young Lady. "Really? That was a change for you, wasn't it?"
[Pg 30]
"Oh! ”