Oliver Herford

“ Whether the seam shall be here or there.
Of the openwork sock with the clock beware!
On Fancy’s rein let your curb be strong!
Hark to the dictum of Vanity Fair,
“Plain Black Socks can never be wrong.” ”

“ THE WOMEN OF THE BETTER CLASS “The artists and writers were the first Americans to make themselves at home in this amusing Parisian resort. (The Old Café Martin.) And it was here, too, that women of the better class first tasted the delights of café life. It was considered quite a daring thing in the late eighties for be-cloaked and be-diamonded women of Fifth Avenue to sit here and sip their after-dinner coffee.” ”

“ Kaiser Wilhelm replied to the Prince,
“I kept all my muscles in training;
And I’ve practised one thing that I learned, ever since—
And that’s to go in when it’s raining.”
“You are old,” said the Prince, “and your head is too light
For anything stronger than water;
Yet you talk without ceasing from morning till night;
Do you think, at your age, that you oughter?”
“In my youth,” said the Kaiser, “I lived upon raw
Spanish onions, I ate with my knife ”

“ And once he won the Kaiser’s purse
With nine live babies and a nurse.
[27]
THE SAUSAGE BALLOON
I often wonder, when we fry
A Sausage, if its thoughts can fly
Across the billowy ocean wave
To where its namesake stern and brave
Floats like a Guardian Angel, high
Above our armies, in the sky,
Serene and stately as a cloud.
No wonder Sausages are proud!
No wonder Sausages when fried
Oft-times swell up and burst with pride!
[28]
CONCERNING THE CROWN PRINCE
I
When Crown Prince Willy goes to bed
It is his wont to lay his head
Upon the pillow and extend
His feet towards the other end. ”

“ Has lasted the rest of my life.”
“You are old,” said the Kronprins, “and one would suppose,
You would be just a little more humble;
Yet you balance your crown on the end of your nose.
Aren’t you frightened some day it will tumble?”
“Your questions, my boy, are getting too free,”
The Kaiser with anger protested—
“Your impudence borders on Lésé Majesté;
Be off, or I’ll have you arrested.”
[40]
THE TOUCHING BALLAD OF GENERAL VON BEERS To the Tune of W. S. Gilbert
Major Fritz-Schinkenwurst Hofbrau Von Beers
Was the pride and the joy of the Pruss Grenadiers. ”

“ Was never deep in anything but—war.
V
Bernhardi, Nietzsche, Treitschke, who discussed
Of the “Next War,” so wisely, they are thrust
Like foolish prophets forth, their words to scorn
Are scattered and their mouths are stopped with dust. ”

“ Major Von Beers
Acknowledged no betters and precious few peers.
[41] And every one envied his well-earned repute
For arson and pillage and rapine and loot.
No symphony held such delectable tones
For the ears of Von Beers as the shrieks and the groans
Of women and children bombarded with shell,
Or the crash of a hospital tumbling pell-mell.
One day from Berlin came the order “Refrain
For the present from Frightfulness. Start Press Campaign.
Von Bernstorff has wired we’re getting in wrong
With the Yankees, so play up HUMANITY strong.”
Loud, loud were the wailings of Hofbrau Von Beers. ”

“ MICHAEL O’LEARY When forming one of a storming party which advanced against an enemy’s barricade, O’Leary rushed to the front and himself killed five Germans who were holding the first barricade, after which he attacked the second barricade, about sixty yards further on, which he captured after killing three of the enemy and making prisoners of two more. ”

“ And the Kaiser, All Highest, ’mid deafening tears
Pinned a cast-iron Halo on Major Von Beers.
[45]
AN IMPERIAL SNEEZE A Sniffle in One Act
CHARACTERS
The German Emperor ...
Others not to be mentioned in the same cast.
SCENE
A luxurious dressing room adjoining the Emperor’s Bedroom.
TIME
This morning. The Emperor is discovered standing before a Cheval Glass. He is dressed in what is known as “Athletic Underwear,” with plain black socks, upheld by Boston Garters.
Emperor:
It is not often that one sees
An Emperor in B. V. D.’s. ”