Samuel Eberly Gross

“ Why, prithee, this forenoon, being in love beneath the equator, I felt the fervent sun impart his fever to the earth; but to-night, alack! being out of love, Lapland hath no denizen colder than I. I pray thou wilt not treat me so.
Ideal.
By Heaven, ’tis a scandal! I’d have thee try me. Use pique, jest, coldness, stratagem, and all the dire weapons in a maid’s armory to try her lover, and if, knowing thou art true, I do not in all love’s humors love thee still, why then—
Violet. ”

“ Enter Whetstone, Bluegrass, and Scythe.
Scythe.
Who knows but, in the chemistry of Heaven, we, this noble race of men, are but parasites feeding in space upon a crust of earth encompassing a fiery particle!
Bluegrass.
What a glorious thing is one of our ordinary mundane cycles of time! ’Tis only a day; and yet it is a legacy too great for the richest man to put in his will. Let no one be so brazen as to attempt to belittle this magnificent star of ours. ”

“ Each one in his own humor. If there be a true merchant among you, I will tempt him with the fish’s weight; if there be a moralist, with the fish’s moral; if there be a scientist, with the fish’s complicated structure; if there be a poet, with the fish’s most poetical history; if there be a gourmand, with the fish’s flavor. Each one shall see in the fish he buys, his own humor. He shall have both weight and moral; for a good moral without weight is immoral, and a good weight without a good moral is a dull measure. ”

“ Violet.
Surely thou art the prince of jesters; and if ’tis thy humor, in part I’ll not deny thee; but no maid should bind a bargain with betrothal kiss until she knows the true worth of it. Hast thou any castles in thy domain?
Whetstone.
Castles? Why, I own the half of Cornville. See [showing the album] , here’s my town-house. I’ll have its hall set in solid mahogany. Then we’ll be the Honorable Mr. and Mrs. Mayor Whetstone, of Mahogany Hall, Cornville, solid people,—if you like, in our castle.
Violet.
When thou dost in a day change thy house into a castle, then it will have a gallant knight. ”

“ Bluegrass.
This is the romance of science.
Whetstone.
We must land them!
Scythe.
What do you purpose to do with the porpoises and other sea-cattle?
Whetstone.
How little you know of the grand possibilities of business! Why, I’ll build up a new industry on these shores. I am the Merchant Prince of Cornville. Here I’ll be a sea-cattle king; I’ll make a fresh fortune in my gigantic monster emporium for salted sea-cattle. And now to the Dolphin Inn, where I’m to meet Northlake. Then for business by the sea. ”

“ With the Eagle and Ninon, I could soar through life like a bird.
Whetstone.
And I’ll soar with Violet. Why, hello! I’ve forgotten all about Susan. Where’ll I leave Susan?{140}
Bluegrass.
Susan! Your housekeeper! Why, what takes you back to Cornville at such a sky-crisis as this? The great point in a flight of romance is never to approach earth. Susan! Why, Susan will tarry here below and superintend the cuisine, so that you and Violet may have a warm repast when you come down from your sky-parlor. ”

“ Now you’ve rested on a night-blooming flower, and I’ll approach more softly than lover does a dreaming maid, nor wake with rude-paced step your finer sense of airy motion. [He advances cautiously in search.]
Violet.
See, Ninon; he sees no one. In our time let maids be jealous. Science has its votaries as deeply rapt as love’s suitors.{162}
Scythe [stopping, and observing the beetle on a flower] .
What a rare and beautiful specimen for the Academy! Since early eve I’ve followed in the moonlight, through gardens, groves, and lawns. Now I’ll capture thee. ”

“ Violet.
’Tis cruel in thee to jest so. Thy figure shows a gallant knight, and thou dost speak by contraries to make thy showing finer. How doth the moon shine in Europe?{91}
Whetstone.
The same old moon.
Violet.
’Tis very fair.
Whetstone.
Why, there is the so-called fair moon now, sure enough! [Looking at the moon.] It shines like a new tin pan.
Violet.
The moon shines on thy armor, and thou thyself dost shine like a new tin pan.
Whetstone.
There’s the new moon, the quarter moon, the full moon, and the dark of the moon. The moon is good enough in its place. ”

“ Man is like a reversed vegetable that has swallowed its roots and walked off on its branches. Why, what is that at my feet? Let me pick it up tenderly. Hurrah! I’ve got a geologic pebble! See, Mayor Whetstone, what a rare, grand specimen for the prehistoric museum of the Cornville Academy!
Whetstone.
What’s it worth?
Scythe.
Worth! Mercenary man! Let us reverently take off our hats in its presence. It’s worth more than all the property in Cornville. See, Major, see!
Bluegrass. ”

“ Sweet Miss Violet, upon this green grass I vow to love you as long as grass grows. Oh, Miss Violet, you’re too young to know what you may lose. You may lose the real Merchant Prince of Cornville, near the capital of Illinois, called Hercules after his grand-uncle Hercules, who drove the real Indians reeling down the real Mississippi. ”

“ Violet.
I insist upon all. I do mistrust—for I’m no trusting miss—that thou art a poor ignoble man withal, hired by my jesting uncle withal to put on this chivalrous disguise withal to jest with me withal. What false knight art thou that thou wilt not endow the lady of thy love with all thou dost possess, that lovest thy goods better than love? Thou art of crude metal. ”

“ Whetstone.
You are my scientist, my threefold Professor of three chairs,—natural science, hygiene, and agriculture,—in my Cornville Academy. Now, to create a money-making hunger for science at the Academy we must popularize it. Therefore, give me the scientific facts about the sea in a popular sort of way, so that all may understand and enjoy them.
Scythe.
Its remote abysses are inhabited by the mammoths of natural history and evolutionary philosophy; and vast herds of sea-cattle graze upon its marine meadows, like buffaloes upon the prairies. ”

“ Here, once, the wild goose, while he plucked the toothsome grass from its banks of verdure, listened to an Indian maid. Here, beneath this spacious sycamore, we’ll sit and fish for speckled trout; I’ll bait the hook. And when ’tis winter we’ll skate upon it. See yonder latticed arbor perched upon the bank: it is the hen-house, with hens and their companions from many lands. Here will we gather eggs through all the seasons; and to have fresh eggs in winter is no mean luxury. See yonder moss-covered house of stone picturesquely wading in the water. ”

“ Bluegrass.
Black slave that I am, thus to serve this merchant prince of merchandise!
Whetstone.
I’m a solid man, and my shadow lies solid.
Ninon.
Poor shadow, come off ze cold, cold ground!
Bluegrass [sings in recitative, and Whetstone accompanies with
pantomime] .
The shadow is slave to the substance. Who can separate them? None. Who can separate them? None,—none but Ninon.
Violet.
Ninon, ’tis marvellously good,—but we must go. [Slowly going.] Good-night alike to substance and shadow. Yet, stay! [Advancing.] ”

“ He is a poor merchant in love, who, having a heart, hath no value to it. He’s a bankrupt who can declare no dividend unto his lady creditor. A true and loving heart hath larger dividends than banks, richer harvests than farms, finer goods than stores, and more happiness than all the world besides.
Fopdoodle [from his concealment] .
O Violet, I’ve got a heart. O dazzling Violet!{102}
Violet.
Methinks that soon the silver moon will yonder mantling cloud enrich, and leave thee a knight quite poor.
Whetstone.
I cannot lose you. Your worth grows upon me at the rate of a thousand dollars a minute. ”

“ Each summer, for a month, to these shores I come to renew and perfect the spirit’s vision, which, even like natural sight, is cleared by good free air and sunshine; and as men with glasses have seen ten hundred living things upon a pin’s point, so I, with spiritual lenses, have seen the past, present, and future, each in proper order, marshalled upon a space no larger than a spectacle glass. ”

“ As if ’twere woven of his beams.
Violet.
Thou’rt much too flattering for a spirit. Thou art not a cold spirit, but a warm one. Good spirits should be cold. Mend thy rhymes, or I will leave thee in thy prison. ”

“ I know ze shadow, ze rainbow, ze major, ze grand lover!{158}
Violet [to Whetstone, who has moved until he forms a right angle
with Bluegrass and Violet] .
Move no further. Thy shadow keeps no pace with thee, and fear might well oppress a wondering maid less mathematical. Ninon, take and reflect upon yon shadow. ’Tis thy sum total, and a happy one. ”

“ Love is like the Morning Dew.
Bluegrass.
We’re approaching land again.{143}
Whetstone [reading] .
Love’s Perfect Cure.
Bluegrass.
We don’t need it.
Whetstone [reading] .
Love’s the Greatest Plague.
Bluegrass.
Hold on! yes, we do.
Whetstone [reading] .
Love Me Little, Love Me Long; Love, Love, oh, what is Love? Major, my boy, that settles it. We must find out. Hurrah! I feel like a new man! Let’s be going! If I fail, Northlake shall not have a dollar. Violet’s the only collateral he can put up. If I don’t get her, I’ll take the next train to Cornville and marry Susan on the spot. ”

“ I’m fated in this tree to dwell, and ne’er before so spoke my heart unto a maid.
Violet.
Canst thou not speak in rhymes? Why, spirits should{13} be poets too; or is the tree’s rind too hard? I do pity thee for a poor spirit.
Ideal.
Nay, hear me. When the tree is in its blossom, then rhymes come fleetest; when the tree is in its fruitage, then rhymes come sweetest. Thou once, on such a time, didst sit beneath these ripening boughs, in sweetest reverie wrapt, and I, while musing on thy beauty and the gentle spirit within thee, did weave these rhymes. ”

“ And then the king would say, Good my lord, thou art aright; go thou and do it. And I would go and do it.
Jack.
Would you have any whims?
Fopdoodle.
Wouldn’t I have whims!—Tom, my man, stand firm.—Thousands of them. If a king and his lords can’t have their whims, they’re not so good as other people are. Some day, when the king was in a right good humor, I would say: Your valiant Majesty, an ape doth offend me much. I have a whim. I crave a boon, my liege, a boon, my sovereign; and he would say, I’ll grant it thee. Then I would say, I thank thee, good my sovereign. ”

“ Enter Whetstone and Bluegrass, with lantern and dictionary.
Bluegrass.
A brave salutation, gentlemen! We will pursue the code of honor where it does not conflict with us. Let the principals advance, and shake hands in the usual way, to show that they in humor and honor are not ill. [Whetstone and Fopdoodle advance and shake hands. To Tom] We must compare size, weight, and calibre of type. [They compare dictionaries.] The weapons are of the same edition. Now for choice of positions; but there are two esteemed objects in the heavens,—Mars and the moon; for them we’ll toss up. ”

“ Yes, ’tis a flying-fish, which, rising above the heavy and obscurer element of its kind, and using its fins as wings, in aërial courses, sparkling like a jewel, beholds the glittering and sunlit scenery of the upper air. ”

“ Bluegrass.
I’ll do it. I am a connoisseur in epithets; and your animal noun with adjective conjoined is a terrible weapon. O book, how like a poet thou art!—in pleasant moods full of balmlike words, but in anger javelined like a porcupine. Be thou a cage filled to the cover’s brim with fierce animal nouns which fret their paper cage of leaves to pounce upon the enemy. Remember, at each fire call him some outrageous animal, and exploit the animal with an explosive adjective.
Whetstone. ”

“ The tree cannot hear, being deaf, but the tree can feel, being alive; so then, I’ll kiss thee, thou hard, hard tree. [Bends to kiss the tree, when Ideal appears and kisses her.] What spirit art thou in man’s disguise to thus affright a lady who ne’er did harm to thee, but wished thee well? ”

“ Violet [intently observing] .
’Tis distant, and yet ’tis bigger than a man’s hand. Why, Ninon, ’tis a man. How near wouldst thou say he is?
Ninon.
Courage, my mistress! he has ze fleet pace of ze lover.{163}
Enter Ideal.
Ideal.
Dear Violet, in hastening by the orchard path to meet thee ’neath thy window, I was detained by thy sweet sisters of the field, which sprang along my path in myriad gayety, while I in blissful fantasy did win them; and here, accompanied with my love, I tender thee this bunch of golden-hearted violets.
Violet.
Why, ’tis my Ideal! I’ll ne’er forsake thee ”

“ Banished, completely banished! Why, I’d rather
Be exiled from my country than my fortune.
But all, all is not lost. She hath a girlish
Beauty and a heart most rare; and in
This age of rude massed gold there’s value in it. ”

“ Whetstone.
He who will not swallow a school of medicine to save his life, must be made to do so. Here, Professor, while I hold him, give him a schooling.
[They try to give Bluegrass an iron pill.
{38}
Bluegrass.
Friends, have you no philopena? Give me no pill of iron. May you ne’er sleep with down within your pillow! Oh! put me in a pillory, but put no pill in me. Oh! [They succeed in giving him a pill.] I’m pilled; the iron has entered my system; how very hard I’ll soon lie down upon my little pillow. And thou, hard Whetstone, thus to sharpen Scythe to mow me down! ”