Upton Sinclair

“ Grandaddy Prows sent a heart-broken cablegram from the ship that he is sailing on to Europe because he is sure that it is an effort to ruin the department-store business and to punish him because he let the camelephant out of the stable. And Senator Buttles is furious too because he makes linings for ladies hats in one of his mills but he is glad too because he hates Mr. Edgerton because he can’t bear to have nobody but him telling the Spokesman what to say to the American people. ”

“ But her next one floors me. “Will you come to dine at my home Miss Riggs?” she says real sweet.
So then I have to think in a hurry. “What is that Mrs. Edgerton?” I says. “Are you expecting to make a boob out of me?”
“You have political information to give my husband,” she says, “and when a woman’s husband is in political life it is the custom for her to give dinner-parties to help his career. I invite you to dine with us.”
And so I gives a gulp like I had another pickle in my throat and I says, “Very well ma’am I will come.” ”

“ You never can tell when you are living in the great world and have the job of deciding what is to be taught to the whole American people. Gee Mom it is more thrilling than any movie that I ever was at! ”

“ I says, “for it is no joke to know that a hundred millions of people is waiting for you to teach them what to think and a Man that has got to talk to all the reporters of all the newspapers of the whole world has got a job that will keep Him looking serious.”
“Well that is just what it does,” says Mr. Edgerton and he says, “You feel quite sure that it wont hurt Him about the camelephant?”
I says, “Anybody that laughs about such a thing will be no good American,” I says. ”

“ Well the big white house is a mean place to live right now Mr. Edgerton says with everybody in the dumps or scared and anybody can get rich quick that can find out a way to get the American people to talk about any other animal in the zoo but the camelephant. I says, “Mr. Edgerton, it’s not that I want money,” I says, “because I am willing to serve my country for the love of it and I think it had ought to be possible for the Spokesman to do His great work without being bothered,” I says, “so let’s you and me figure out a way to get the people to appreciate and love Him again.” ”

“ And he says, “What is the least?” And I says, “The least is nothing.”
Well he looks at me like I was prophet come down from heaven or something and he says, “My God Miss Riggs you are a wonder!” “No,” I says, “I am only a field Grammarian,” I says, “but even so I can see that when there is nothing you can say the thing to do is to hold your mouth. ”

“ But it is plain as day—why we have even got what is called tariff laws to tax the things that is brought into the country so as to keep them Dagoes from dumping their cheap goods off on us and putting all our working people out of their jobs.
I seen then why the Spokesman was so unhappy because if we couldn’t take money and we couldn’t take goods what could we do about the debts? If they wasn’t paid at all you can see what a bad example it would be for nobody would want to play the business game at all if they would never get paid their money if they made too much. ”

“ Edgerton says that the Spokesman likes to say things like the sort that I say, because it saves Him having to talk about other things that ain’t so easy for Him to think about. The reporters asks Him questions and He don’t know what to answer and then there is always people trying to get Him to do this and that and to say yes or no and He don’t like to say either nor to do neither. The Spokesman’s other name is Cautious, and He never does nothing He don’t have to and He seldom does. He says that most problems solve themselves if you let them alone. ”

“ Edgerton did not call up. I have noticed that gentlemen likes to have you pretty and cheerful and if you take things too serious and worry them with questions they do not call up so often. But all the same I had to get over my shock of hearing him say that the work he does for the Spokesman up there in the big white house is only a sort of a play and that I have got to get used to the idea of not telling the truth about the Spokesman. ”

“ You see there is all kinds of wealth that the government is got but is not able to make use of it because the government is got no business being in business which it cannot run economical or efficient. The right people to own all these resources is the big business men that is got the money and brains and everything and so it is a real advantage to the people when the business men get these things away from the government. ”

“ The truth is I think he loves his wife: only he dont know quite what to make of her just now and he’s lonesome for a little female cheerfulness. If he buys me a dinner it aint going to break him and he’s getting his money’s worth and more being educated about how the plain people feels about politics and international affairs. And besides, Mom, dont forget that I have got a feller by the name of Walter that I am someday going to marry even if he is only a poor shipping-clerk in Camden and that ought to be enough for my Pop to fret over. ”

“ Edgerton says that he does not know any more about it because the man did not follow him on the street car. It might be that his wife is having him shadowed because she is jealous about him giving so much time to trying to understand the plain people. He says that she is now certain that a wart which she has got on her shoulder is turning into angina pectoris and when he tries to persuade her that it is not so she cries and becomes very excited and says that he no longer loves her and that she knows he is only waiting for her to die so that he can run off with some peroxide blonde. ”

“ Well when I come home from lunch I had the paper with that interview that the Spokesman had give and I hands it to Florabelle and I says, “See here, the Spokesman has been talking about what you said.” And so she read it and a little later I hears her talking with Ada Huggins and she says, “Well if them Roossians has got the money and its good money why let them come in I say and buy what they want because after all freedom of trade is the great principle upon which American prosperity is based.” ”

“ But he tells me some very bad news that the secretary of state that they call Scared Sally has decided that he will let that Bolshiviki count come into the country provided that he does not do no propaganda about politics while he is here but will only see his wife that is sick. And I says, “My God Mr. Edgerton that is a mistake because them fellers is not to be trusted and anybody can see that it is propaganda for a feller like that just to be alive.” ”

“ Well I guess I am being a dumbell again but I do not know exactly whether he is joking but it seems that he is real angry because his advice is not took and the Spokesman is not got the sense to stay as the Strong Silent Man which is what Mr. Edgerton made Him and the only thing that any man can be when He does not know enough to be nothing else. ”

“ Edgerton if that was one of the ideas he had taught to the Spokesman but he said no he hadn’t needed to do it because when you are in the business of running for offices it is a thing you come to understand for yourself no matter how dumb you may be that you have got to take care of the rich people because they have got to put up their money for campaign funds for you so that you can pay wages for workingmen that makes red fire and sky-rockets and campaign banners and processions and other things that educates the voters about not taxing the rich. ”

“ But it is a terrible thing for working people to be out of jobs,” I says, “right now my Pop is scared that he may lose his job at the gas-works and him with a half a dozen kids growing up and why should them kids have to starve just because some people is took it into their heads to economize on gas-bills?”
“Perhaps we had better go in to the table,” says Mrs. Edgerton and so there is the dining room and gee Mom if you could see how them people live they are surely making jobs for the poor. ”

“ And with that we turns into the parlors and there is the customers with their fingers half done and their hair half waved and we shouts to the girls, “It is a strike we’ll have a dollar extra a week or we quit!”
And they all puts down their things and they shout, “Strike! Strike!” And the madame she yells, “Out with you you bunch of hussies!” And we grabs our things and out we troop and there is a customer coming in and we says to him it is a gentleman, “This place is closed but two blocks down the street you will find a beauty parlor where they pays a living wage to their hands,” we says. ”

“ And at last I thought of something and so I looked real wise and I says, “It seems to me the American people has got so used to having a good time they take it for granted. So the use of the international situation is to show them what real troubles is and make them grateful for their favors.” And Mr. Edgerton looks at me and his eyes lights up and he says. “That’s it exactly! That’s the text for my tomorrow morning’s interview!”
And then of course I was very much excited and I says, “You mean the Spokesman ain’t never said that before?” ”

“ The Spokeslady is not to get no new Easter hat but is making Her old one over and the Spokesman Himself is getting one spring suit that is to cost Him only sixty-five dollars. I suppose that Mr. Edgerton and the Spokesman knows about what is the right price but it seems an awful lot of money to me I know that Pop never paid more than half that for a suit at least if he did he had the senst never to let you find it out. I think it is a little hard for great and rich folks like Mr. Edgerton and the Spokesman to remember how it is to be real poor. ”

“ So then he looks relieved because he has come to have great confidence in me because the training I got in the gas-house district of Camden New Jersey has been better for this job than what he got when he was in college. So he says, “All right Miss Riggs let us do it. What do you suggest?”
And I says, “Any good woman would of been able to of told you. The Spokesman has got virtues that the plain people love and what we have got to do is to pick out one of them and get the people to think about that.” ”

“ And that is the way it goes with we girls we are just supposed to sit here and shine people’s fingers and never open our mouths at all. We have got no more rights than if we was so many polishing machines and I tell you Mom I sometimes think it is more than I can stand. Some day when the Madame gets off one of her shushes at me I’m going to bust loose and tell her what I think of her and her ideas that she can dictate to free Americans the way we talk and the way we dress and the way we do our hair. ”

“ Edgerton was figuring to show her husband the difference between a real lady and a manicure girl but Mrs. Budd she says “Maybe she really wants to know you because why,” she says, “if a woman’s husband is got to talk about politics with manicure girls any wife would rather it was where she could be around.” But I think Mrs. Budd must of been impressed by that squirrel-skin coat for of course any landlady will trust you more if you have got a thing like that on. ”

“ And so I tell him, “They are all pictures that is took in regular clothes like a business Man with a white collar and one of them hundred and twenty-five dollars suits on. But the most of the people in this country don’t look like a [Pg 60] fashion model,” I says, “and they don’t wear white collars except on Sunday and the Fourth of July. It seems to me they would be a lot more interested in listening to the Spokesman’s advice about how to live their lives if they thought He lived the same kind of lives that they do.” ”

“ And then I have got a date to have dinner with Mr. Edgerton in that same Imperial Cafay where you get the cocktails in a soup-tureen and I tell him about how I been to the Elite and show him what was the expression on Madame Lafferty’s face and he says, “Mame,” he says, “you might of been a great actress like your Mom.” ”

“ Would all them specialists be hunting it or would I just come home and get Pop to show me the trap-door where you crawl into the gas-tank? But I realize that I can’t have everything in this world—I can’t have electric coops and squirrel-skin coats and at the same time know the great heart of the plain people and be able to teach the Spokesman how to talk to them.
P. S. Well I had another call from Mr. Edgerton and we went out to dinner again and it is his wife like I guessed and he says the corn specialists says it is not angina pectoris of the toe, but only her tight slippers. ”

“ Edgerton you have not knowed many working girls in your life,” I says, “and you aint realized how it feels when a gentleman offers you a dinner free of charge. They pay me eighteen-fifty a week at the Elite Beauty Parlors and I have got to live on that till the next Saturday night and if I have not got anything left on Friday night I do not have any dinner,” I says. ”