Various

“ Saw DENMAN draw himself up to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to clôture me again, do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it." ”

“ I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides, and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours, orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. ”

“ Two more horses are brought out, put in double harness in the light waggon, and driven round the Arena by the Professor. A steam whistle is let off over their heads, whereupon they rear and plunge, and back frantically, the Professor discoursing unperturbed from the waggon. After a few repetitions of this, the horses find the steam-whistle out as a brazen impostor, and become hardened sceptics from that moment. ”

“ Always Be Humane, Never causing any Pain if you Possibly can Help it. Fetch that Harness. (The short Groom trips again, but so elaborately as to be immediately recognised as the funny man of the performance, after which his awkwardness ceases to entertain. The Professor shouts, "Woa!" and, as the horse declines to accept this suggestion, emphasises it by pulling the double rope, which, being attached to the animals forelegs, promptly brings him on his knees, much to his surprise and indignation.) Never use the word "Woa!" Only when you mean your horse To stop. Woa! ”

“ According to your instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political situation. My experience as a lightning change artiste is quite invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat, and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. ”

“ It is natural For a Horse when frightened at anything in Front of him, To jump Backwards, and when frightened at anything Back of him, To jump Forwards. (Applause, in recognition of the accuracy and observation of this axiom.) Now I will show you my method Of correcting this Tendency by means Of my double Safety Rope and driving Rein, without Cruelty. ”

“ But you would have to lay down such a lot of sawdust first. And it might teach him to kneel down whenever you said "Woa!" you know, and that wouldn't do!
Paterf. Um! No. Never thought of that.
Prof. I will now introduce To his notice the Bass Drum. (The two Grooms dance about the horse, banging a drum and clashing cymbals, at which he shies consumedly. Gradually he appears to realise that his lines have fallen among lunatics, and that his wisest policy is to humour them. He does so, even to the extent of suffering the big drum to be beaten on his head with patient disgust.) ”

“ I am sorry that my selected horse for the Windsor June Handicap did not run—though the word of command was given, "Macready!"—he was not told to be "present!"—being presumably short of a gallop or two, and therefore lacking "fire!" This little series of jokes is proudly dedicated to the Military, and Civilians are "warned off!"—which is another turf expression. ”

“ They can't be too vicious to please me. (The Horse sees his way to score, and after bearing various trials in a spirit of Christian resignation, leaves the Arena, consoled by the reflection that no one there got much fun out of him, at all events. A Jibber is brought in; the Professor illustrates his patent method of teaching him to stand while being groomed, by tying a rope to his tail, seizing the halter in one hand and the rope in the other, and obliging the horse to perform an involuntary waltz, after which he mounts him and continues his discourse.) ”

“ A pretty story it is, more interesting than most novels, and in one volume too. A marvel of condensation and lucid narrative. Only one thing lacking to a work likely to be constantly used for reference, and that is an index. ”

“ Every man upon his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear." Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with regularity and despatch. ”

“ Fafner settles Fasolt by a drum-head Court Martial, so that Fafner gets the golden honey, and Fasolt gets the whacks—and—please, Sir, I don't know any more—but some of the music is running river-like and lovely, more is puzzling, and much of it must remind Sir DRURIOLANUS of the rum-tum-tiddy-iddy-iddy-um-bang-whack of a great Drury Pantomime. House full ”

“ Prof. (who has vaulted on the horse's back) . I will now make him familiar With an umbrella. (Opens it suddenly; horse plunges.) Now, Sir, this is nothing but an umbrella—vurry good one too—it isn't going to hurt you ”

“ The first settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?"
Yours impecuniously,
THE O'DUNAHOO.
With the accent on the "Owe" and the "Dun"
Leafy June 30.
[pg 318]
"ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!"
Hostess. "I'VE GOT SUCH A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE STUPID!"
Prize Idiot (calling) . "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT I DON'T FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID!
Hostess. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"
THE POLITICAL JOHNNY GILPIN.
(Lately-discovered Fragments of a Grand Old Ballad, the Sequel to which may—or may not—turn up later on.) ”

“ As for me, I have to fight for my seat, and my life."
"You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?"
"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with a gleam of joy lighting up his face.
Business done.—Parliament dissolved.
NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.—Professor SCHWENINGER, the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to Mr. Punch the following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. ”

“ Paterf. (who doesn't quite see himself dancing about Tartar with a drum, or brandishing an umbrella on his back) . Well, TOPPIN will take the horse over, and he'll be here and see how it's done. I can't be bothered with it myself. I've too much to do! ”

“ Woa! (Same business repeated; horse evidently feeling that he is the victim of a practical joke, and depressed. Finally, Professor says "Woa!" without pulling, and horse thinks it better to take the hint.) ”