Various

“ A couple of over-worked Waitresses are endeavouring, with but indifferent success, to satisfy everybody at once.
Cries from Customers. Yes, two teas and one roll and butter—no, I mean, one roll and butter and two teas! "Have I ordered?" Why, the last time you said it was coming directly! Isn't that chocolate ready yet? We shall never catch our train! I say, Waitress, I ordered coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago, and all we've got yet is two empty cups and a bowl of sugar! Do make haste with that tea! I didn't say a cup of tea—I said a pot of tea, as plain as——! ”

“ Close to the window is a counter, with the usual urns and appurtenances, laden with an assortment of richly decorated pastry, and presided over by an alert and short-tempered Manageress. The little tables are close together, and crowded with Customers, the majority of whom are ladies. ”

“ When Cameron, "doing a bit of bounce," as Brodrick said, asked Premier whether, supposing Opposition resolved to move Vote of Censure, a day wouldn't be found for them, Ministerialists cheered and Opposition responded. House never more like public school than when a fight is being got up. ”

“ Within the last few years there have been notorious cases associated with the names of Members of Parliament, but as the House is a Legislative Assembly and not an inquisitorial tribunal instituted for the public investigation of private morality, no charge could be brought in the House itself against any one of its Members until after a Court of Law had pronounced its verdict, and, even then, a Member of Parliament, convicted of a criminal offence, would not cease ipso facto to belong to the House until after a motion for his expulsion had been carried. ”

“ What an Ass you must be, always getting into Scrapes with Women! Why do you? I never get into Scrapes with Women! Never got into a Scrape with a Woman in my Life!"
Fashionable Intelligence.—The Dowager Lady Crumbie dined out one night last week, when the dinner was so cold that her Ladyship caught a severe chill, and next day the Cook caught it uncommonly hot. ”

“ Volunteers shall be expected to be up by the dawn in the morning, be the weather rain or shine, fog, or otherwise. They will be marched for scores of miles all day long, and, on their arrival at their destination, shall consider themselves lucky if they find the most primitive accommodation.
2. Although they may be accompanied by their officers, the Volunteer rank and file will clearly understand that they are manœuvring purely for the pleasure, if not improvement, of a few warriors connected with the Household troops. ”

“ Later, when Grandolph remarked that Prime Minister had challenged them to move Vote of Censure, Mr. G. angrily retorted, "I did nothing of the sort." Too late now; Right Hon. Gentlemen on Front Opposition Bench having put their heads together, determined to ride in at gate Cameron obligingly opened. Drew up Motion of Vote of Censure, and Mr. G. must needs, out of his diminishing hoard of days, find one for debating it; Opposition mean to make it two, or even three. ”

“ Miss C. L. I'm afraid you're rather bored, Fred—you don't seem to be enjoying yourself quite; do you?
Mr. Forr. (in agony) . Oh, I am—I'm all right, Camille, only I—I'm always like this after the Old Masters, you know.
Miss C. L. So sorry I made you bring me—don't you think we had better pay, and go home?
Mr. Forr. (to himself) . Now for it! (He pulls himself together.) W—waitress, w—what have I to pay, please?
Waitress. Two teas, eightpence; one, two—six cakes you've had, I think, Sir? One-and-eightpence altogether. ”

“ Here's a lot of about twenty of the most heminent Swells in our most heminent Huniwersitys, where they goes, as we all on us knows, to learn how to tork Greek, which they finds so wunderful useful when they growes up. ”

“ America is a free country; Chicago is one of the freest parts of it. So, after their relative powers of fascinating the American male have been tested, their power of becoming his relatives may have to be counted with. ”

“ Vote of Censure invited.
Friday Midnight.—Wonder to find Sage of Queen Anne's Gate still at post of duty. Business rather heavy work; think it would be well that so precious a life should be cared for. ”

“ Now, if next week our young friend, whose sympathy with bashful, self-distrustful youth, is instinctive, will manage to withdraw himself forward, he may be said to have thoroughly reconnoitered his subject, an excellent thing in a reviewer. ”

“ Binks we shall want more milk and there put out those fancy cakes do two chocolates Miss Jones well you can't have them yet because I've used all the hot water what does the girl want next butter it's no use coming to me for butter here take those cups to be washed up will you you leave me to look after everythink myself and customers leaving because they can't get served I declare I never saw such girls as you are in all my born days! ”

“ One of the botes got a little in front of the other, and so got in fust, and that was all. But, sumhow, I don't quite think as that is all as so many thowsands goes out for. For instance, now, in the butiful ship as I was perfeshnally engaged in, we laid out a lovely lunshun with evry luckshury of the season, and all kinds of wine, at about 2 o'clock, and then, as we picked up our swell passengers at the warious peers, our Managing Gent says to them, says he, "If you please, Gents, lunch is laid out in the cabin, and will be continually laid out all day, so you can act accordin." ”

“ Well, they has the hole year to choose from, save and xcept Sundays, and I'm jiggered, as I herd a real Gent say, if they don't go and select a day as goes and begins with a hawful heasterly wind, and a contemptible shower of rain, just enuff to make thowsands of our most loveliest Ladys at wunce risolve not to wenter out ewen to see such a site as two boats full of hansum young gennelmen, all drestin flannel, a pulling of them two boats a matter of four miles! ”

“ Twelve-o'clock Rule suspended; plenty of time for business by-and-by; half an hour's sport hurt nobody.
Mr. G. (sings sotto voco) , "How happy could I be with either!
Were only Uganda away!"
When Squire rose, a ringing cheer went up from Ministerialists. Their turn now. Joe was "going to catch it." But Squire knew better than that. Opportunity tempting; almost irresistible. But business first, pleasure after. With touching air of resignation, Squire said they had listened to a very good speech, and now he hoped the Vote would be agreed to ”

“ Another little misstery is, why they want no less than hayteen strong-looking gents to pull too little Botes along, sixteen on 'em a pulling with their skulls, and two on 'em a pulling with too little ropes apeace, I have never bin able to make out. ”