Various

“ The Spirit of Art glided through the streets of Modern London, seeking a resting-place. She entered the Diploma Gallery of the Royal Academy, but hurried away, affrighted at some of the terrible examples of the illustrious Forty. ”

“ Often, as I lay on the sofa in the Chief Secretary’s room, looking over Punch, or reading the proofs of the forthcoming new edition of my Defence of Philosophic Doubt, I have heard the distant growls of the Irish Members when King-Harman rose to answer a question addressed to me. ”

“ The sole drawbacks are that, too often, the means adopted to secure the desired result depend more than should be upon sentiment which might almost be described as false; that the incidents occasionally have too little relation to real life; and that, what might have proved eminently touching, is marred by some involuntary association with the ludicrous and grotesque. In his anxiety to preserve his pupils from such pitfalls as these, Mr. Punch offers an example in which the blemishes he has hinted at have been sedulously avoided. ”

“ In spite of this very serious drawback, no doubt Miss Esmeralda will be as successful as it deserves to be. The scenery, dresses, and music, are alone worth a visit. And when I say this I leave out the acting, the singing and the dancing.
I also went to the Royal Aquarium the other afternoon, and witnessed the performances of a troupe of genuine Russian Wolves. If I had to appear in public myself with a company of performing animals, I think I should prefer poodles, or white mice, though, as a spectacle, wolves are undoubtedly more thrilling. ”

“ And, be it said, the average audience is not at all averse to being harrowed—provided this is done with any science and refinement. When persons are met together for social enjoyment, nothing apparently affords them keener pleasure than a performance which produces certain peculiar sensations, such as the feeling of partial want of control over the facial nerves, smarting behind the eyes, increasing obstruction in the throat, and a general conviction that, unless something occurs to make them laugh at once, they will be irresistibly compelled to sob like so many seals. ”

“ In the first part the most impatient reader will find that he cannot afford to skip a couple of lines without detriment to the narrative, but in the second part he may skip handfuls, as the lovemaking is common-place, and time is wasted over the tragedy which is written by one of the heroes, and over the description of their life in London. ”

“ Still, as he is an unquestionable genius who has a future before him, it is to be hoped that he won’t be “worked out” early at high pressure, and stimulated by a success that will only blunt his powers by depriving him of that desire for true progress in his art by which alone they can be legitimately developed. ”

“ Pause, and give time for a solemn hush to fall upon the audience, then, with a forced calm, as if you were doing violence to your own feelings) —he was orf, Sir,— (a slight gulp) —he’d ’opped the twig!
(Second Pause: then more briskly, but still with strong emotion to the close)
So now you’ve the hexplanation of the crape round the tabbies’ necks,
And kin understand why we close to-day “in token of our respecks.”
The time has now come for Mr. Punch to bid his pupils farewell, which he does with a pleasure that he has some reason to hope will be not unreciprocated. ”

“ How is it that Painting cannot keep pace with Literature?”
It sounded like a Conundrum, and the Spirit of Art was not good at Conundrums. So she gave it up. Then she passed into other Exhibitions—there were quite a dozen in the neighbourhood at the very least. But she was unsatisfied, and came away. She paused, and considered. The Spirit of Art had one great English friend (of Irish extraction) , who was a Musician. ”

“ Ne Plus Ulster.—Mr. Chamberlain seems to find the heart of the Irish Question in Ulster. Does he expect to find its solution there? He appears to set little store by the wishes of those not inconsiderable portions of Ireland which, as he says, “do not form a portion of the Ulster plantation.” All other parts, even of the favoured province, “though geographically part of Ulster, are not parts of what we know as political Ulster.” This certainly narrows the Irish Question. But does it simplify it? We have all heard of those who are “more Irish than the Irishmen themselves.” ”

“ Punch, ever ready to assist in a good cause, dispatched one of his City young men to make further inquiries, who reported that he had visited the Auction Mart on three successive days at lunch-time, and had asked one or two of the sharpest-looking of the crowd, as possible purchasers of the wondrous tea, to lunch with him, which they had willingly done; but, although he says he lunched them copiously, they one and all denied any knowledge of the tea sale in question.
“Shepherd v. Keevil.”—Mem; Christian maxim for a Pastor or Shepherd, “Do not think eevil of your neighbour.” ”

“ There is a genuine vein of humour running through it, which is so artistically managed as at first to escape the reader’s attention, who becoming more and more irritated with the stupidity of the supposed narrator, gradually discovers that the story which is being recounted by a middle-aged Indian Colonel, who prides himself on being remarkably astute, and on possessing a perfectly marvellous insight into character, is being recounted by a conceited, shallow-pated old ass. ”

“ She called a hansom.
“Where to, Miss?”
“To the Marylebone Road,” cried the Spirit of Art—in these days the Spirit is a very self-assertive young person, and not at all like an unprotected female—“Baker Street Station, Marylebone Road.” ”

“ Punch would ask in return is that, when any one of his young friends is retiring, flushed with triumph, amidst an intoxicating murmur of faint applause and renewed conversation, after delivering some composition of his Preceptor’s, he will not suffer himself to be completely dazzled by success, but will remember the means which have contributed thereto with such gratitude as he may be able to command.
“Discoveries at Pompeii.”—Under this heading we read in the Times that four silver urns of fair size were found, also four smaller vessels, eight open vases, four cups ornamented with leaves, &c. ”

“ Chamberlain seems to be more Ulsterish than the men of Ulster, though they, to be sure, on his own showing, are virtually English and Scotch. In declining to look beyond Ulster, it may be asked whether he looks into the Irish Question at all. Altogether Irish—very!
[pg 192]
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Danvers Jewels, published by Richard Bentley and Son, and written by an anonymous author who dedicates the work to his sister “Di,” (from whom he received some assistance in the story, otherwise he would “never have said ‘Di’”) is a short and well-told sensational novelette in a shilling volume. ”

“ Then one member of the troupe after another advanced, and, if a lady, chassé’d and revolved with slowly waving arms, and an expression that seemed to imply that she would take more pains if it were only worth while; if a man, he capered and grinned and shouted in a manner which, at all events, infinitely amused the performer himself. ”

“ Belfast.—No end of a reception. Drive through the principal streets. Enthusiastic populace insist on taking horses out of carriage and pulling it themselves. Gratifying, but should feel safer with the horses. Why will Collings bow? I’m the person to bow, obviously. Bad taste, but don’t like to stop him. Believe the mob take him for me—or why do they cheer him so?
At Hotel.—Just found out reason of enthusiasm evoked by appearance of Jesse. He’s got on an Orange tie! Ask him, reproachfully, why he did this? Pretends it was a mere accident—forgot that orange was favourite Ulster colour. ”

“ But on the other hand the scene in the gambling-house is exciting and artistically worked up,—and coming immediately after this, the lovemaking is uncommonly tame,—and the scene at the Theatre is also very good, but after this there is a lull in the excitement until the end approaches, when there is one very strong situation. ”

“ Mademoiselle Fatma at the close of the performance. This seemed superfluous, particularly as the excellent Colossus had no notion of doing more than taking her by the hand and stalking two paces forward. It was all over in a quarter of an hour or so; and, for my own part, I considered the old lady in the turban alone worth the paltry shilling charged for admission.
I have also been to Terry’s Theatre, where great precautions are taken to prevent fire. Everything, more or less, is labelled “Exit,” and, instead of doors, in several parts of the house there are curtains. ”

“ Well, having jest a lezzure hour or 2, I’ve bin a trying to read my noo book, witch is suttenly to me a dear book, but I greeves to say as I don’t find werry much in it, as I understands. They suttenly uses sum werry powerful words, and sez sum werry powerful things, and tries their werry best to spell like me, but I don’t think as I can troothfully say as they always suckeeds. ”

“ And I set the tabbies a-sparring, and the mice a-climbing the pole.
(Build up the whole scene gradually; the dreary neighbourhood, the total absence of bystanders, the lurid threatening sky, and the humble entertainment proceeding in the foreground.) ”

“ Commenting, however, on the little fellow’s efforts to give a good rendering of a slow movement, the critic already alluded to asks how, in a long-drawn melody which is a matter of passion and of feeling, “a child of eleven can have much feeling or any passion?” ”

“ Ulster people saw the justice of this arrangement at once. Told ’em there were “two Irelands.” Isn’t one Ireland enough, however?
Coleraine.—A triumphal arch, with “Welcome to English Peasant Emancipators” on it. Stupid to bracket Collings with me in this way. Receive threatening letter. Reminds me of my revolver. Jesse examines it with the air of a professional gunsmith, critically. Appears quite hurt at its condition; says, “I’ve sat on it so often he doubts if it would go off now,” and recommends my carrying a “bowie-knife” instead. Am surprised at Jesse’s acquaintance with deadly weapons. ”

“ Professor F. J. Child, P.D., L.H.D., cums it rayther strong when he says, “Sum hav a religious aw, and sum hay an erth-born passion for our establisht spelling. I don’t much care how anybody spells, so he spels different from that.” But praps one of the werry greatest staggerers in my four-shilling staggering book, is what the Heditter says, wiz., “A filologist who should uphold our present mode of spelling, would be like an astronomer who should teach that the Erth is based on a Turtl.” ”

“ I shall put up King-Harman to answer all inconvenient questions. Besides, it is exceedingly probable that in the full development of my plan the Irish Members who last Session distinguished themselves by “wanting to know” will be unavoidably absent from their places. It is an awful nuisance breaking in upon a man’s holiday ”

“ Unless a man can make sure of hitting a lamp-post at fifty paces, it will be no use his trying to bring you down.” A nice companionable man Grandolph. Always tries to say something pleasant. But really I don’t pay much attention to his kindly apprehensions. ”

“ Of course no one can posserbly know better nor me, that without that glorious addition to a gorgeous Manu, the werry hiest classes of society, such as Princes, and Lord Mares, and Bishops, and Aldermen, woud find it remarkabel difficult to git through their harduous dooties, but ewen I should never have once thort of saying that the hole world is based upon it, which I spose means, carnt posserbly git on without it. ”

“ I think that’s about the most wunderfullest sentense as ewen a Hedhitter ever wrote, and they does sumtimes cum out with a startler or 2. Fust with regard to the spelling. As I don’t in the least know what a Filologist means I carnt of course say much as to that, but if there is one mortal thing in this butiful world of ours as I does know sumthink about, I should think as all the ciwilized world woud agree as it was Turtle, and I refuses at once, without no manner of dowt, to pardon the man who coud carmly and cooly sit down and write that almost sacred name without his final Hee! ”