Various

“ George in the bold cartoons of Skelt,— These were but simple monsters, like the giants slain by Jack, But your dragon cased in armour-plate with turrets on his back, And a charged torpedo twisted in his huge and horrid tail. Is a thing to stagger Science, and to make poor Peace turn pale!
Yes, East is East, and West is West; but the West looks on the East, And sees the bold Jap summoning to War's wild raven-feast The saffron-faced Celestial ”

“ Yesterday time-closure came into operation in connection with Evicted Tenants Bill. Arranged that if debate on Clause I not finished by eleven o'clock to-night, all Amendments remaining on paper shall be submitted to vote without further debate. Obstruction scotched; wriggles helplessly, like eel in muddy depths of river, smitten by the spear.
"Shan't play," whimper Prince Arthur and Joseph, mingling their tears at this fresh evidence of tyranny, this last illustration of man's inhumanity to man.
Strike ordered in Unionist lines. Men throw down the pick ”

“ And hers is like a putting green, The haven where I boast to be, For she assures me she is keen To halve the round of life with me.
Some wear their hearts upon their sleeve, And others lose 'em on the links ”

“ Eggs and bacon for breakfast. Still raining. Landlord says, "Very remarkable, since in this place it never rains." Somehow the clouds always pass over neighbouring village, following the course of the river, the ridge of the hills, or something. Have noticed in all country places that the clouds always do this, except when I am there. Impossible to lounge under a tree in this rain. Stop indoors, smoke, and read summer numbers. Eggs and bacon for lunch. Rain going on steadily. Put on flannels, go out. Drenched. Eggs and bacon for dinner. Landlord says they hope to give me some meat to-morrow. ”

“ So the world wags wilful to the offshoot, lawn-mowers grating, grass flying, and perspiring gardener slow in his shirt-sleeves primed with hope of beer that shall line his lean ribs at supper-time, nine o'clock is it, or eight—parishes vary, and a wife at home has rules. ”

“ EASTWARD HO!
"Oh East is East, and West is West," says strenuous Rudyard Kipling, And what has the West taught to the East, save the science of war, and tippling? To ram, and to torpedo, and to drain Drink's poisoned flagons? And Civilisation sees her work in—armour-plated Dragons! The saurians of primeval slime they fought with tooth and claw, And Sho-ki's dragon, though possessed of wondrous powers of jaw, And Miochin's scaly monster, whereat Sho-ki's pluck might melt, And the dragon speared by stout St. ”

“ Breakfast,—eggs and bacon. Landlord says if I cross two fields I shall find the river and a punt. Thanks. Will wait till rain stops. He says it is sure to stop soon. Ask him if one can get a London paper. Says they sometimes have one at the stationer's, four miles off, but generally only when ordered. Lends me a local paper of last week. Reduced to summer numbers again. Begin to wish there were some pretty girls here, after all. They might enliven things. After lunch,—of eggs and bacon,—resolve to go out. Ask landlord where one can go. Don't like to ask "if any girls about anywhere?" ”

“ If Hanbury and the Blameless Bartley could only be induced to stick short clay pipe in side of mouth (bowl downwards) , fasten a leather strap outside their trousers just below the knee, and drink four-half out of pewters at bar in the Lobby, scene would be complete.
Strike only partial. Fully one half the men refuse to go out; stand by the masters, turning deaf ear to blandishments and threats of pickets outside. Strange thing is that, working at half strength, output more than doubled. Time-closure, with all hands at work, proposed to complete Committee by eleven o'clock next Tuesday night. ”

“ Sage of Queen Anne's Gate said a few words, preparatory to packing up for holiday; then Courtney rose from Joseph's side to continue debate. Members, taking it for granted that he, possibly with some reservations in favour of Eviction Bill whose second reading he had supported, was about to say ditto to Joseph on question of Closure, began to move towards door. Arrested by Courtney's solemn tone, and his expression of regret, evidently unfeigned, at deplorable condition in which the House found itself. "Woe to those through whom offences come!" ”

“ He comes upon the hapless rider or pedestrian in quiet country lanes, brushing him aside as if the earth were the Fiend's and all the highways thereof. Bad enough in the country, where there is room to get out of the way. ”

“ Scene X.—In a Fly.
Undershell (to himself) . Alone with a lovely girl, who has no suspicion, as yet, that I am the poet whose songs have thrilled her with admiration! Could any situation be more romantic? I think I must keep up this little mystification as long as possible.
Phillipson (to herself) . I wonder who he is. Somebody's Man, I suppose. I do believe he's struck with me. ”

“ Country people always loaf about in rain. They seem to enjoy it. Chat with him. He asks me in to have some cider. Accept. Chance of seeing charming daughters. They enter! Now!... Oh! awful!... Cider acid. Obliged to drink it. Hurry back. Lunch. Usual dish. Still raining. Call in landlord, and ask eagerly about trains to London. The next is to-morrow morning, at 8.20. Give way to despair. Refuse eggs and bacon for dinner. Bed eight.
Friday.—Leave in landlord's cart at seven, after usual breakfast. Still raining steadily. ”

“ A VOTE OF THANKS. By a Hard-up Journalist.
[A strange light has appeared on that part of the surface of Mars not illuminated by the sun. The Westminster Gazette of August 2 asks the question, "Is Mars signalling to us?"]
Oh, men of Mars, we thank you, your behaviour's really kind! (Forgive us if you've lately slipped somewhat out of mind!) For now the silly season's set in with all its "rot," You once more raise the question whether you exist or not.
No doubt the good old topics will trot out yet again:— "Is Flirting on the Increase?" "Is Marriage on the Wane?" ”

“ Never a lady left her wedded husband, but she must needs find herself weighted with charge of his grand-nephew. Cuckoo-tutor sits in General's nest, General's wife to bear him company, and lo! the General brings a grand-nephew to the supplanter, convinced of nobility beyond petty conventions of divorce-court rigmarole. ”

“ Step Two.—Having learned the English language, the nation begins to read British newspapers.
Step Three.—Having mastered the meaning of the leaders, the nation start a Parliament.
Step Four.—Having got a Parliament, the nation establishes school boards, railways, stockbrokers, and penny ices.
Step Five.—Having become fairly civilised, the nation takes up art and commerce.
Step Six.—Having realised considerable wealth, the nation purchases any amount of ironclads, heavy ordnance, and ammunition.
Step Seven.—Having the means within reach, the nation indulges in a terrific war. ”

“ Tommy warned the Squire whilst in Committee that his Death Duties would not reap the full harvest anticipated. Every little helps. What with actual concussions and sudden frights, Bicycle Fiend leads in course of financial year to considerable succession of property changing on sudden death, with concurrent toll paid to Treasury. If the Bicycle Fiend can only be placed on same footing as the common carrier, or the harried hansom-cab driver, the death-rate would appreciably decrease, and with it the flow of legacy and succession duties. ”

“ Thoroughly debated, divided on, and Bill, in more than one instance, amended.
"Fact is," said the Squire, beaming with chastened delight at turn events taken, "we are over-manned just as London is over-cabbed. Must see if something can't be done to reduce numbers by refusing licenses for fresh elections when vacancies occur."
Business done.—Evicted Tenants Bill through Committee. Building Societies Bill far advanced.
Friday.—Back in the mud again. Strike operative only when Evicted Tenants Bill under consideration. ”

“ SATURDAY POPS. NEW SERIES. "Rusticus," who is clearly "Rusticus Expectans," wasmoved to write to the Chronicle on July 31st, to say that,though not a rich man, he lives in a pretty Surrey village within an eightpenny return railway fare of the City; and has a fairly large and quiet garden, with field, &c. "The trees are all at their finest," he proceeds, "the flowers looking very gay and walking in the garden." Capital fun this, when flowers actually walk about. ”

“ Pictures of pretty girls, reclining in punts, hammocks, or deck-chairs, doing nothing, men helping them. True holiday for jaded Londoner. Perhaps better without pretty girls. Even more reposeful. Must get right away. Secluded place. No pretty girls. That tiny inn Jones told me about. Miles from everywhere.
Monday.—At Tiny Inn. Fine afternoon. Feel quite happy. With summer clothes, summer numbers, flannels, straw hat, and other suitable things. Seven miles from station. Beautifully clean. Perfectly quiet. Weather changing. Raining. Landlord says, "Soon over." Eggs and bacon for supper. ”

“ There's no particular 'urry. I'll let her ladyship know you're 'ere; and if she wants you, she'll send for you; but, with a party staying in the [Pg 65] 'ouse, and others dining with us to-night, it ain't likely as she'll have time for you till to-morrow.
Und. Oh then, whenever her ladyship should find leisure to recollect my existence, will you have the goodness to inform her that I have taken the liberty of returning to town by the next train?
Tred. Lor! Mr. Undershell, you aren't so pressed as all that, are you? I know my lady wouldn't like you to go without seeing you personally ”

“ Sportsman (awaiting the morrow, and meeting Keeper as he strolls round) . "Well, Rodgers, things look fairly hopeful for Tomorrow, eh?"
Rodgers (strong Tory) . "Well, Sir, midlin', pretty midlin'. But, oh dear, it's awk'ard this 'ere Twelfth bein' fixed of a Sunday!"
(With much wisdom.) "Now, might Mr. Gladstone ha' had hanything to do wi' that arrangement, Sir?"
THE MARCH OF CIVILISATION. (From a Record in the Far East.) Step One.—The nation takes to learning the English language. ”