Various

“ My two sons, George Lewis Herschell and Edward Clarke Russell, also rendered valuable assistance by waving their straw hats, and singing comic songs with a vehemence that rendered the ballads undistinguishable from war ditties. As we entered Nearvices, Flora stumbled, and all but fell. However, with wonderful skill, I picked her up at the end of my reins, and urged her to fresh exertions by a feeble flick of the whip, that expended its force on the shafts and a part of the collar. ”

“ I had no further time for remonstrance, as the brute of a horse, after beginning in a trot, had suddenly quickened its pace to a mad gallop. And as it did this I noticed that a dust-cart was just in front of us. I dragged at the reins, and with almost superhuman exertions brought the beast to a full stop.
"Which is the way to East Babbleton?" I asked, to explain my rather abrupt pull-up. "Am I taking the right road?" ”

“ Adopting my son's advice, I mounted the cart, and once again jerked the reins. The beast began at a trot, and then, as before, commenced a mad gallop. We rapidly left Nearvices behind us, and brought ourselves to a stop in front of a haystack.
"You see," I said, "the brute is open to reason. It was stopped by an obstruction. Seeing the futility of further progress, it desisted in its running."
"But look, Papa, at that," cried George Lewis Herschell, pointing to what seemed to be the remains of a coal cart. ”

“ Well, Mr. Undershell, Sir, you're the best judge; and, if you really can't stop, this is Mr. Adams, who'll take you round to the stables himself, and do anything that's necessary. Won't you, Mr. Adams? ”

“ Never again shall ocean with his roar Attract me from the firm-built homes of men. Let others steer from shore to farthest shore, Climbing the liquid hills that now and then Break and o'erwhelm them—I shall roam no more, Once landed on old Dover Pier again. ”

“ Stay where you are, Harriet; he's better left to himself. If he wasn't so wropped up in his cookery, he'd know there's always a dish as goes the round untasted, without why or wherefore. I've no patience with the man! ”

“ Perhaps you may find—many do—that your debts Are steadily growing, while incomes decay, And constant attempts to increase your assets By bold speculation seem hardly to pay; Though "Turks" may decline, do not grieve at your plight, But buy, as a substitute, Turkish Delight! ”

“ Whatever the sorrows that chasten your life, A cure for them all you will quickly receive, If Phyllis should prove an unsuitable wife, If children undutiful cause you to grieve, Just get at the nearest confectioner's shop, The cheap and the comforting chocolate drop! ”

“ In fact, if misfortunes should seem to oppress, No longer their burden you'll sadly endure, You'll have in the midst of calamity's stress A certain specific that cannot but cure; "Away with all sorrow!" our teacher repeats, "Don't grieve at existence, but taste of its sweets!" ”

“ Such to preserve, with all their winning beauties, Is surely Civilisation's first of duties,— Preserve from ravage of the rash cheap-tripper, Or wanton blade of 'Arry the cheek-chipper And nose-disfigurer, with his Poll or 'Tilder, Or wreckage of the Speculative Builder. ”

“ But yet, if either beauty feel That she is bound to cycle-wheel, (Like to a she-Ixion) then, Since ladies aim to ride like men, 'Tis clear that all experience teaches That it is best to wear knee-breeches, And drop the prejudice that doth dote On the tempestuous petticoat. ”

“ Forty Years do change a Girl!"
JAP THE GIANT-KILLER. (Fragment of a Tale of New Japan as told around a Fire-Brazier in Dai Nippon.)
Once upon a time in the Happy Dragon-fly shaped Land of the Rising Sun there lived a little hero named Jap. Small he was, but valiant as Také-no-uchi-no-sukuné himself of the long life and many-syllabled name. He was a dead hand at dragon slaying, and had killed more tigers than Hadésu. He could exorcise Oni like one o'clock, these demons or imps having an exceeding bad time of it when Jap was, as he would term it, "on the job." ”

“ It was a small dog-cart, which conjured up visions of the toy waggon-and-horse department in the Lowther Arcade. There was a horse in the shafts. The harness was imperfect, and the collar showed its straw. However, I took my seat, and the boys got up beside me. Then, amidst the good wishes of the wedding party watching our progress, I started. The horse immediately took up a course over the pavement, and no doubt aware that the illuminating power at East Babbleton was primitive, attempted to carry with him a lamp-post. ”

“ But giants are not usually "knocked out" in one round, and—well, my children, tiny Jap's further fortunes in his fight with Titan Jon-ni, may furnish material for further narrative when next we gather around the glowing hibachi to tell tales of Jap the Giant-Killer! ”

“ Takes a lot o' trouble, too, To fake up a reglar "do." So for nix I often get Butter scotch or cigarette. Oh! it is a splendid joke! I should like to see the bloke When he turns 'em out! Oh lor! Twenty per cent. are shams—or more! Honest? Wot? To a machine? You must think me jolly green! The machine can't cop or blow! Automatics do not know. If I pop a "Frenchy" in, Or a lump of brass or tin, Who's to tell that I do not Put a penny in the slot?
In the Press.—The Cruelty of the Jap. ”

“ There were people in high hats at the door, people in high hats looking out of the coffee-room window, people in high hats thronging the hall. With some trouble my lads and I got our breakfast, then I asked for the ostler. He came to me after a pause and awaited my orders.
"I want a trap to take me over to East Babbleton," I said; "and should like to know how much it will cost."
"Very sorry, Sir, but, I can't do it for you. All the carriages in the house are hired. You know, Sir, Miss Smith is going to be married, and consequently you can't get a conveyance for love or money." ”

“ But he would have it that the old cab-horse was a magic steed, and the fly an enchanted chariot; and I don't know what all. (As nobody smiles.) It sounded awfully funny as he said it, with his face perfectly solemn like it is now, I assure you it did!
Stept. (patronisingly) . I can readily believe it. We shall have you contributing to some of our yumerous periodicals, Mr. Undershell, Sir, before long. Such facetious talent is too good to be lost, it reelly is. ”

“ A fly-driver frumpy and fusty? You might as well just be a fly, All fuzzy, and buzzy, and dusty, A horror to ear and to eye, A-booming about and fly-blowing the crockery, No, no, gentle Payn, this is surely mere mockery.
Would Darwin were here to demolish "Development" turned upside down. Yon urchin in pink and high polish Degraded to rain-beaten brown? A butterfly turned a blackbeetle were sad, But nought to the fate of our postboy, poor lad!
A Hansom may sink to a "Shoful," A racer descend to the rank ”

“ Although rather imperfectly instructed, I determined to visit East Babbleton. The usual sources of railway information led me to believe that the place was six or seven miles distant from Nearvices in Guiltshire. I determined to go to Nearvices, taking with me my two lads (home for the holidays) , George Lewis Herschell and Edward Clarke Russell. Before now I have explained that my sons' Christian names have been selected with a view to assisting (in after years) their professional advancement. ”

“ He hates and scorns my tutelary goddess, Pro-Gress. I will try the effect of her gifts upon him! Here goes!!!"
His admiring friends dubbed him "Jap the Giant-Killer" at once. And, indeed, when he "went for" that clumsy Colossus, who in physical proportions out-Chang'd Chang himself, the result of the first round, in which the swaggersome Jon-ni was fairly beaten to his knees, seemed to justify the title. ”

“ You mustn't hide your bushel under a napkin like this; don't reserve all your sparklers for Miss Phillipson there.
Und. (stiffly) . I—ah—was not making any remark that could be described as a sparkler, Sir. I don't sparkle.
Phill. (demurely) . He was being rather sentimental just then, Mr. Steptoe, as it happens. Not that he can't sparkle, when he likes. I'm sure if you'd heard how he went on in the fly!
Steptoe (with malice) . Not having been privileged to be present, perhaps our friend here could recollect a few of the best and repeat them.
Miss Dolman. Do, Mr. Undershell, please. ”

“ Lynn Linton, sweetest mannered scold That ever heresy to judgment summoned, Hath had her dainty will, and drummed out Drummond! Give us a gentle lady, without bias, To play Apollo to a new Marsyas!
154
PREHISTORIC PEEPS.
There were often Unforeseen Circumstances which gave to the Highland Stalking of those days an added zest! 155
BOWL ME NO MORE! (An Unlucky Batsman's Lament after a Season of Slow Wickets.)
Air—"Ask me no more."
Bowl me no more: the man may draw the stumps; The rain may swoop from heaven and swamp the crease; In folds of baize the bat may lie at peace ”

“ The Terrier jumped through the open sash; (The Butcher said "Buy! Buy!") To his infinite credit—he had no cash— Away with the chop like a lightning flash. (The Butcher, by way of a change, said "Dash!") The Terrier said "Bye! Bye!" Tip for a Trundler. (In the Off Season.)
Cricket is over; the Summer fails: Do you feel rather out in the cold, Sir? Well have a shy at "professional bails": And the Public will cry, "Well bowled, Sir!" A SEA-QUENCE OF SONNETS. (Supposed to have been "written in Mid-Channel." See published Works of Alfr-d A-st-n.)
I.
This is the sea that great Britannia rules! ”

“ Undershell is between Mrs. Pomfret and Miss Phillipson. The Steward's Room Boy waits.
Tredwell. I don't see Mr. Adams here this evening, Mrs. Pomfret. What's the reason of that?
Mrs. Pomfret. Why, he asked to be excused to-night, Mr. Tredwell. You see some of the visitors' coachmen are putting up their horses here, and he's helping Mr. Checkley entertain them. (To Undershell.) Mr. Adams is our Stud-Groom, and him and Mr. Checkley, the 'ed coachman, are very friendly just now. Adams is very clever with his horses, I believe, and I'm sure he'd have liked a talk with you ”