Various

“ As though the much-talked of motor-carriage, auto-cycle, or petroleum-propelled tram-car of these mouthing days of modernity might compare with the Trifaldi's steed, my spotted Pegasus, or even the peripatetic carpet of Persian story! Speed you well, valorous knight!
Don Quixote. Heaven guide thee, undaunted Sage! Hah! How you fly aloft! How you cut the air more swiftly than an arrow!! How you mount, and soar, and astonish the world below!!! ”

“ A. To thoroughly enjoy the honour of being able to treat the House of Commons as a club, and being asked by the leaders of my Party to all their entertainments. I shall see my name in every newspaper report when I have happened to take part in a popular function. I shall find that I have mounted the social ladder by leaps and bounds, and be able to pleasurably patronise or cut direct those who now become my inferiors. ”

“ Zerlina Patti accompanied by her Squire on the violoncello.
Another two "turns" and Patti is off. Delightful to see and hear her as Zerlina in immortal Opera Don Giovanni. "Patti Patti" with "Batti Batti," "La ci darem," and all old friends admirably given and heartily encored. After one of the encores Maggie Macintyre walks off suddenly as if in search of lost pocket-handkerchief. In most serious moments ever a twinkle in Maggie's eye, and twitch at the corners of Maggie's mouth, as if giving audience clearly to understand that she is "only purtendin'." ”

“ A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only two empty seats. These on front benches, where Squire of Malwood and Prince Arthur were wont to face each other. Joseph's seat below gangway filled by Courtney, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud cheer welcomes arrival of Prince Arthur looking graver than usual. Three minutes later another rings forth, and the Squire of Malwood enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies of an assassinated Ministry. ”

“ The kick of the ostrich is as quick as lightning—quicker 'n lightning, be-cause you can see lightning, but you cann't see an ostrich's kick, which is four kicks to the second, and kills a man every time. ”

“ In any case, may the best crew win.
The gentlemen from Cornell have brought over with them, in addition to their boats and oars, a terrible battle-cry, "Cornell, yell, yell, I yell Cornell." Manifestly the members of the London Rowing Club cannot model themselves on this, for to cry, "London, done, done, I'm done, London" would, I trust, be as inappropriate as it would certainly be discouraging.
My recent investigations into the condition of some of our great provincial cities lead me to the depressing belief that something is always wrong with some of their streets. ”

“ A solicitor recently took upon himself to argue with his Honour in the Plymouth County Court a question of costs in respect of a case heard some months since. He conducted his argument with much warmth and inaccuracy. This combination of bad law and bad temper enabled the Judge to score an easy victory. "Stand down," said his Honour; "if you play with edged tools you must pay for it." Thus triumphed the Law and the Judge, and once more "unquenchable laughter arose amongst the blessed gods" up in the gallery.
The British earthquake has been sadly neglected. ”

“ It is no easy task to write a story in a series of what may be called monological dialogues,—dialogues, that is to say, in which only one party speaks while the rest are understood,—and yet to keep that lightness of touch and that sparkle of wit without which dialogues become mere barren boredom. ”

“ Since the fashion for real flowers has come in we are supplied daily from all parts of the world, and have a large stock always at hand on the premises. Why, our greenhouses are the finest in London. Will you want any other costume to-day? ”

“ Besides many English crews they will meet a crew from France. Then from Toronto come four Argonauts sailing not for the Golden Fleece, but for the Stewards' Challenge Cap; and from Ithaca, N.Y., eight modern Trojans, undergraduates of Cornell University, have set out intent on the capture of the Grand Challenge Cup. To all of them Mr. Punch extends the right hand of good fellowship, though, being British to the backbone, he cannot wish for their triumph over his own gallant oarsmen. ”

“ Fancy that's the bride in red cotton, with her hair down, prancing with maidenly gaiety between the first bridesmaid and the best man, while the bridegroom, becomingly draped in a bath-towel, may be observed capering up and down clapping hands with the officiating clergy. ”

“ Markiss, instinct with influences of spacious times of Queen Elizabeth, not to be trifled with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one Schomberg. A stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard, short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. ”

“ The worst of Sark is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its intensity.
Business done.—Foundation stones of new Ministry laid.
House of Lords, Thursday.—Quite a crowded House. The Markiss, not seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by Rosebery. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to purloin Seals of Secretary of State for War. In dim and distant future this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. Sark, who has been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it. ”

“ Don Quixote. They do. But, by the bones of my beloved Rosinante, the idea liketh me not. The horse is indeed a noble animal——
Mr. Punch. And will continue to be "useful to man," our current cyclo-and-auto-motormania notwithstanding. The cycle doubtless hath its utility, and even charm, though in certain of its characteristics it seems qualified to give mankind the hump! ”

“ A British monarch, celebrated in the books of the historians as the Eighth, and hitherto the last of his name, is reported, on the authority of the Ecclesiastical registers of his time, to have entertained so warm and overpowering an affection for the connubial condition commonly known as matrimony, as to have entered into it with a comparatively light heart on as many occasions as would equal the sum total of predecessors bearing his name who have supported the burden of the crown of these realms. ”

“ Not arf such a curiosity as if it 'ad 'ad a black 'ed be'ind.
A Censorious Lady (before a row of baby elephants) . Oh, aren't they horrid! Look at their horrid little eyes. (As one of them protrudes a predatory trunk.) Oh, get away, do! They are the most hideous creatures I've ever seen! Look at that one, all wrinkled and baggy like an old man. See, it's wagging its head about like a Chinese doll! I do think they're quite loathsome, don't you?
Her Companion (a more Tolerant Person) . I daresay they would'nt look so bad if they were varnished up a bit.
In the Ostrich Farm. ”

“ In Lobby.—Much agitation among ancient Opera-goers on hearing report that Mario is to sing here on Saturday afternoon. "Mario!" they exclaim; "impossible!" Not at all: it turns out that this "Mario" is a character in a new Opera by "Alick Maclean" (pretty name, but nicer if it were "A Wash Meclean") , entitled Petruccio (not Shakspear's Petruchio) , in which one Mario is "Elvira's little brother;" and so, possibly, he was quite an infant when sister Elvira was cruelly treated by Don Giovanni. Also in this new Opera appears "Elvira's mother." ”

“ The Railroad of Love will have served its purpose, and become a siding. Two Gentlemen of Verona will be travelling first-class on Shakspearian main line leading to Midsummer Night's Dream, which, with its fairy revels and its music, will represent the terminus of this short journey. ”

“ The most Glorious climate In the World; and, if anyone don't believe it, all they've got to do is to die; and then, if they've been good, they'll go there, and find out for themselves. I'm not under Con-tràct To say a single word here, but I want to talk to you about these birds, because they're generally misunderstood. ”

“ They walk en-tirely From the Toe, which gives them the graceful, springy action you see. They air all named after the greatest people now living on airth. This one close to the rails is called Jim Blake. Mark well the Peculiarities, Life, Habits, and Characteristics of the Ostrich, and you will all of you go away And lead A moral life. ”

“ Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to the last census) 4,349,166. But bring the Seals."
That is Sark's idea of the episode after reading the papers. The Markiss's version differs in some details.
Business done.—The Markiss, challenged by Rosebery, says new Ministry have no policy at present. However, since Rosebery seems anxious on point, will send over to Whiteley's and see what can be done. ”

“ At certain seasons it is Impossible to go among these birds except On horseback, and pro-vided with a stout pole with a fork at the end for Self-defence. All of these birds are here on Sale, and there is a large demand for them for Gentlemen's Parks and Country seats. ”

“ He specially desires to become acquainted with earthquakes "of which descriptions appear in the local press, or entries are made in private diaries." All local papers should at once start a special earthquake column—"Earthquakes Day by Day," or "Yesterday's Earthquakes"—and writers of diaries would do well to dive into the past. There are so many remarkable phenomena not otherwise recorded. ”

“ Business done.—House adjourned.
[pg 12]
Wednesday.—All settled: Squire announces that Markiss has undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West Birmingham, Joseph having undertaken to care for the Colonies. Prospect of "Our Joe," as Sage Of Queen Anne's Gate affectionately calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with The Markiss, strangely moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in cries that forebode lively times for new Minister. ”

“ Friday.—Adelina Zerlina Patti-cake and the Im-Maurel Don G. Why not in such hot weather give opera with ice in it; Patti in skates "en Patti-neuse."
Saturday.—Welcome to Madame Albani, our Valentine in what Wagstaff calls "Lay Hug-me-nots." "Not bad title," he explains; "after crowd of ecclesiastics in swearing scene, pleasing to find two principal characters are 'lay': not 'lay-figures' but lovers not permitted by hard Fate either to embrace each other or any opportunity of eloping together ”

“ But my bat 'ad split a lump off, and it seemed to 'it askew.
'Ow can yer "keep a straight bat" when your bat itself aint straight?
But we did our level best, Bill, me an' Polly.
At our fate
Out at Petersham I tell you as we done the thing to rights,
None o' yer 'at-an'-coat piles for the wickets, as is sights
A cricketer cocks snooks at, when 'e knows the real game. ”

“ Fortunately, voice found; in chest; quite safe. Surely a little modern dramatic polish might be used to furbish up utterly idiotic old-fashioned stage-business of this ancient Italian Opera? Eh, Signor Druriolanus?
In the trio at end of Act II. somebody got off the line, and audience, determined that they would be better for a little more practice, called Ma'am Adini, Miss Maggie, and Master Brozel before the curtain, and then made them go through their exercise once more. Nothing like practice, to make perfect. ”

“ Mr. Frivell (a contented bachelor) . Yes; subtle beggars, these Somalis.
"There they are, yer see—Comin' 'Ome from Southend!"
'Arry (during the Sham Fight) . 'Ark at one on 'em 'owlin' "Oo-oo-oo!" he's took bad agen! Good ole Mop 'Ed got one in that time! "Olla-olla-olla!"—he's sayin' the other bloke 'it 'im on the jor.
'Arriet. There's one keeps sayin' "Pudd'n" as plain as possible. There agen—"Pudd'n!" d'jear 'im? They orter bring that young Shazarder chap to see this; he'd feel at 'ome 'ere, among all these Injians, wouldn' 'e? ”

“ You hadn't been gone a week and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you must have learned in your nursery kennel:
When the dog's away,
The rats will play."
Their New Suits.
Admiral G-sch-n. "Oh, I say, Joey old man, what a comical costume! It does make me laugh!"
Colonial Ch-mb-rl-n. "Well, hang it, Jokey old boy, you can't say much!"
All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This Cap'en Tommy Bowles, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. ”