Percival Christopher Wren

“ The play is the thing—and Imagination is life and salvation.
Bravely he leapt into the waves, and turned to his daunted followers as an arrow smote his shield.
"Buck up, you fellows," quoth he, "a little wetting won't hurt you—nor spoil your bronze clothes. Come on, you're not salt nor yet sugar. A bath will do some of you good. . . ."
Still they hung back.
"Behold!" he continued, "I take the Standard of the Tenth Legion among the enemy!"
He did, and another arrow took him well in the centre of the cuirass ere the enemy, leaping from the chariot, rushed upon him with spear and axe. ”

“ The Crew got up, yawned, shook himself again and took a stroll around the raft—which looked uncommonly like an inverted four-legged table.
"Oh, look at that wretched Crew, he's gone and sat on the food. He did that on purpose so that we should give it him," yelped the anguished Bo'sun, pointing to where Venus was apparently playing at being a hen with chicks.
"That settles it," said the Captain wrathfully.
"The Crew shall be fattened up on the lunch biscuit and the slice of apple, and then the Lot shall be Cast upon him. We can still eat the chocolates as they're wrapped in silver paper." ”

“ Both Daddy and Buster absolutely refuse to play Goliath. I am afraid we shall have to leave it out. I should look such an ass as David if you were Goliath; everybody would laugh at David being bigger than Goliath. ”

“ But the shikari was not a villager of Soni and cared nothing for its fate. He was out for fame and fortune, and the man who gets hold of a Travelling M.P. and gains not both, does not deserve either. Many rupees and much honour (among Sahibs) would be his if he guided the feet of so foolish and ignorant an employer to the slaying of a fine tiger. His position was a sad one. It appeared that he must either forego his hopes of gold and honour or find that something most finally fatal had been put in his supper by the hospitable villagers of Soni. ”

“ He couldn't be here at your funeral when he's had one of his own."
"Quite right," agreed the Queen, and quoted "‘the faithful Rissole slain'."
"He can be a Maid of Honour then," she added. "Venus, be a Maid of Honour—and try and look like one. . . . Get him that big doll's-nightdress or something. He doesn't look a bit like a Maid of Honour as he is. . . . And tie that black hair-ribbon on his tail, for mourning. . . . Now, I'm ready," and the Queen stepped on to the scaffold. ”

“ A blood-curdling shriek and bubbling cry as of some strong swimmer in his agony brought him to the side of the raft as the Bo'sun, like Yser, rolling rapidly, toward the door, howled: "A whale! A whale! I am being eaten alive; the beastly thing has bitten me in halves."
"How rotten," said the Captain, eyeing the rotating Bo'sun dubiously. "I suppose I must eat the Crew now," and turned in time to see the last chocolate disappear, enfolded in the long, pink tongue of that treacherous and greedy insubordinate. ”

“ You don't know yourself," she gurgled, and by way of dying game, used her last breath in vituperative ejaculations of—
"Black Face! . . . Black Sheep! . . . Black Bird! . . . Nasty Nigger! . . . Old Hubshi! . . . Yah! . . ."
Othello desired to be just though not generous, and relaxed his grip.
"Oh, yes, I do," he said, and pondered awhile. "You poked out your tongue behind my back while we were getting married, besides I'm fierce and jealous; it's in the book—Buster said so."
"Why are you fierce and jealous?" squeaked Desdemona, playing for time. ”

“ When the Club held its Literary meetings, Daddy was expected to provide either Tosh or a Stirring Tale (plenty of good sound robbers, wolves, Red Indians, and things) , but Mummy was always looked to for something that made you feel good, and funny all over, and desirous of seeing and doing beautiful things as well as hearing the beautiful thing she was reading or telling or reciting.
What they loved best was some of Mummy's own poetry. Even if they could not understand a word of it, it was so satisfying to the ear, so musical and beautiful — besides being Mummy's very own. ”

“ The President remembered that the years of the Vice were not six, and was lenient.
"Pull yourself together, Fizz-James, and play the man this day," continued Roderic Dhu. "Get out of the wet, and buck up, for I have sworn this braid to stain in the best blug that warms thy vein— (where did I put that beastly braid?) D'you hear, Fizz-James? And I shall jolly well cut any vein I like."
"You be careful, Robberic," said Fitz-James, rising and attempting to draw his sword. ”

“ The rocking-horse, Amir, having been harnessed to the chariot and a bear-skin rug thrown over it, no one with the imagination of a flea and the soul of a frog could have failed to perceive in it the very last word in scythe-wheeled chariots. ”

“ Having provided the Woady One with a stone-axe and a bone-headed spear which had once been a bone-handled umbrella, the President proceeded to set him up in life with even greater opulence. Visions of nothing less than a scythe-axled chariot were floating in her enterprising and inventive mind. ”

“ When I told Daddy he had been chosen by the Committee—that's you and me—for a part in David and Goliath, he said, 'I'm a proud and happy man this day. I am a bit of a David when I get hold of a catapult. It must be a catapult, though. I am a rotten slinger, partly perhaps because I have never slung. Or if you haven't a catapult, I daresay I am still fairly useful at roll, bowl, or pitch. ”

“ You know how you 'drive off' at golf, don't you?"
"We do," said Boodle. "We did it with some pin-fire cartridges."
"And then this—'better 1⁄2/T,' is quite a new-way of saying he saw his wife—his better-half—over her tea, or, if you like, bending over her tee on the green, you know. . . ."
"If you say it's very funny, Buster, no doubt it is," was the reply. . . . "Prob'ly most 'scruciating."
"Oh, no! I don't say that," the unhappy youth replied, "but well—it is Tosh, I think." ”

“ The hint was sufficient, and the armour-bearer raised his mighty bow, drew it to his shoulder—and caught Venus fairly in the stomach. With a yelp of disgust the stricken Cæsar scrambled to his feet and returned to his kennel. Anybody who wanted him to play Romans some more, could come and fetch him. His demoralisation spread, and Widdy followed him, pursued by a grey-goose shaft.
"I think the wily foe have had enough," said Boadicea, several of the skittles having fallen. The bronze Buddha, unperturbed, was captured and bound to the chariot-wheels of the conqueror—and that was that. . . . ”

“ It tells you they were Asses without saying so, and it tells you they were drowned without saying so. . . . like jokes that don't have all the joke in the words."
"You put your finger on the point, President Sahib," remarked Daddy from the Club armchair, "and sum up a whole treatise on humour-by-implication. . . . Most learned President! A Daniel come to judgment."
"Don't be a Funny-Dog, Daddy," besought the flattered President. ”

“ Goliath appeared upon the scene garbed much as had been the Standard-Bearer of the Tenth Legion, save that by way of a spear great as a weaver s beam, he bore with obvious effort a ten-foot mahogany curtain-pole, one end of which terminated in a most realistic spearhead. The one drawback to possession of this truly imposing weapon was the fact that it quite precluded the use of a shield.
David, as became a modest shepherd boy, appeared simply and suitably arrayed in a fur stole clasped about his middle and armed with a modern-looking catapult. ”

“ They made a lovely machan place for the Travelling M.P. to sit on—where there was no shade but plenty of nice glare, and then, on a sand-bank, right in the very spot where their vegetarian Grandpa was wont to come daily and bask in the sun, they drove a strong stake. And all the people smiled and said 'Amen'. . . ."
"A strong steak of goat?" inquired the President.
Buster laughed.
"No, a strong stake of wood. The kind you use for burning holy martyrs and things. Then they got a stout cord, and, from a thin iron rod, the village blacksmith made a very big strong hook. ”

“ Well, gentlemen, the Virtuous Lucy, a tiger of blameless life, lived and moved and had his being, or his pitch, in some hills near a village called Soni, far far away from here, and was greatly loved and respected by all the Simple Villagers of those parts. It is said that such people are never grateful, but the Simple Villagers of Soni were, for I myself saw them at it. ”

“ He took two in case one got lost or drowned or anything—and he'd still have one left of that thort. . . ."
"He had a long way to go for Polar Bears and Kangaroos, didn't he?" interrupted Desdemona, "and I've heard a tale very like this before."
"I fetched the Polar Bears and Kangaroos," replied Othello modestly, "and all the uvver long-way-off beathts, while Noah Sahib got on with the Noah's Ark."
"I'm very sorry, Othello Sahib," said Desdemona firmly, "but I don't believe a word of it.
"Do you, Father?" she added, turning to the Doge, or Dodge, or Dog, of Venice. ”

“ He'd never been out shooting, or for a ride or walk, or drive, never been outside the house in fact, for about twenty years, without old William Henry Winterbotham. Then suddenly the poor old chap crocked up, went deaf, dumb, blind, and silly, and began to lose his teeth, hair, and temper. Grandfather was upset. He worried over that dog a sight more than he would have done over me, If I'd begun to crock up. He used to get a fresh doctor to him every day—and they all said the same thing—'We can't cure old age'. ”

“ Then the headman and the shikari showed him how good they'd been, and produced the rope and the big hook and explained, by signs and wonders, that they would tie the rope to the stake and fasten the hook to a pariah-dog. Then when the Frightful Scourge rushed out of the water, roaring, with flashing eyes, lashing its tail and flapping its ears, it would see the pi-dog, snap him up in its terrible jaws, and swallow both him and the hook. ”

“ There were always the Fairy Tales, and Daddy's lurid stories, and the better sorts of Tosh, not to mention the joy of hearing Mummy recite or read, or, best of all, say her own poetry.
"This is the story," quoth Buster, "of two other Wise Men of Gotham famous as not having gone to sea in a bowl. They were, in their student days, the Wisest Men In the University of Dantzig, and were very fond of doing so."
"Doing what?" inquired Boodle.
"Dantzig," replied Buster. "I have a cold in by dose. They spent most of their time, even in extreme old age. In Dantzig." ”

“ As he was arrayed only in two tight garments this seemed undesirable, particularly in a Stranger.
"I will James Fizz," replied Roderic, "but some people wouldn't. Not for the person by whom they were just going to be done in—and with that very sword. . . . There you are. . . . If you are ready, it's got to ill-fare it then with Brodrick Two when on the ground his Taj he threw, whose studs of brass and tough bull-hide had death so often dashed aside. ”

“ Loud cheers from the mob.
"That's nothing to cheer about you 'normous Asses. . . . Anyhow, they are about to invade us somewhere about Bournemouth beach, and it is up to all good Ancient Britons to arise in their might and biff them on the napper. . . . (Cheer, you Fat-heads !) . . .! shall lead you in battle and drive this chariot myself. You will see many Romans cut in halves and, if you watch carefully, perhaps Julius Cæsar himself—though perhaps he has got more sense than to get in my way. ”

“ Widdy, as usual, was asleep in her basket on the back verandah and Venus was in his kennel. They expressed no objection to sustaining the rôles of Romans. Augmented by a bronze Buddha, a large doll, and a set of big skittles, they made a satisfactory army, and, all being arranged, the Vice climbed carefully into the chariot, and the battle began. ”

“ Make arrangements, tie up a calf or a goat by the water-side, and I will also slay this monster,' said he. Then he told his 'Travelling-butler' to translate exactly what he had said.
"‘The Sahib wants to shoot a mugger. Make bundobust," said the butler.
"‘But there is only one mugger in these parts,' said the poor headman. 'There is only Grandfather, who lives by the ford—and he has been there for a thousand years at least. He Is very holy. Why murder him?’
"‘Make bundobust," said the butler. 'Tie up a goat'
"‘But our Grandfather would never touch flesh!' said the headman. ”

“ The foolish Wandering Sahib should see the Virtuous Tiger and have a run for his money, or rather the shikari's money, but shoot it, he should not. In fact, a miracle should be worked, for the foolish Sahib should depart from Soni bearing a tiger's skin, the Virtuous Tiger should remain in Soni wearing a tiger's skin, the good shikari would have rupees and honour, and the villagers of Soni much baksheesh and their Loving Lucy. ”

“ After the distribution of sweets and prizes by Lady Morton-Maxwell, Miss Drake made a tiny little speech, in the course of which she said there were several things they did there on principle.
The Vice quite understood that it is tiring to stand too long—especially in the heat of the day. He always lay down, himself. ”