Various

“ Who hears in us, the Chimes, one note bespeaking disregard, or stern regard, of any hope, or joy, or sorrow, of the many-sorrowed throng; who hears us make response to any creed that gauges human passions and affections, as it gauges the amount of miserable food on which humanity may pine and wither, does us wrong. ”

“ For all this, Toby scouted with doggish disdain—being, like his Master, as sensible as loyal—a certain occasionally flying rumour that the Chimes were haunted, as implying the possibility of their being connected with any Evil thing. And Toby—no unlicked cub, but a considerate, composed old dog,—never puppyishly barked at the Bells. ”

“ W. Besant gives this advice: "Be bold: never mind ridicule," ... "State fairly, what ordinary people never understand, that Fiction, like Painting, is an Art, and that you are setting yourself to the acquisition of that Art, if it be in your power, whatever may come of it in the end."
Very good. Now here is, as the Cookery books have it, "Another and a shorter way."
To acquire the Art of Fiction.—Clearly understand that Fiction is the opposite of Fact. If you invariably state facts, you become a matter-of-fact sort of person. No Genius is a matter-of-fact sort of person. ”

“ So to "acquire the Art of Fiction," you must never tell the truth. Practice telling some original lie every day. If it be a description of scenery—well, this offers a large field—several large fields. ”

“ Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 19.
Sir.—I am utterly astounded at the insolence of your response to my request, and thus fling back your tickets (re-enclosed) in your face. Do you know, Sir, who I am? Are you aware that I can make your theatre too hot to hold you? Do you reflect that I can force you to open up a dozen,—ay, and if need be, twenty-four—new and roomy exits on every blessed floor in your house. ”

“ After waiting nearly an hour, my Lawyer and I came to the conclusion that we must have been forgotten, and determined to go upon a voyage of discovery on our own account. Leaving the waiting-room, we glided up a broad stone staircase and entered through a green-baize door a large apartment apparently filled with books. Seated at a desk was an amiable-looking, middle-aged gentleman surrounded with plans, papers, packets, and the usual paraphernalia of a Government Office. Between this room and another was a second green-baize door dividing the two apartments the one from the other. ”

“ Besant offers his two penn'orth-of-"all-sorts and conditions," to embryonic authoresses, but had Mr. Punch been dealing with these dear little literary aspirants, he would have simply repeated his world-famed epigrammatic advice to "persons about to marry," and said, most unequivocally, to girls about to write novels—"Don't." Not so Mr. Besant, who proceeds to lay down rules for those "who wish to acquire the art of fiction." ”

“ They had clear, loud, lusty, sounding voices, had these Bells; and far and wide they might be heard upon the wind. Much too sturdy Chimes, moreover, were they, to be dependent upon the mere pleasure of the wind, of any of the winds—Party or otherwise—aforementioned. They had been pulled at by many generations of ringers, pulled at sometimes skilfully, often awkwardly and ill; sometimes in tune, and with the well-ordered harmony which was natural to them ”

“ Sing as the Lark does, and be joyous. Insist on your room being fitted up for work,—at your parents' expense, of course,—with writing-desk, silver inkstand, paper, pens, a library of books, &c., and you must let it be distinctly understood by everyone that you are "not to be disturbed on any account," as you are going in for being a Fictionist.
Rule IV.—"Read no Rubbish," says Mr. Besant. But this is what every author would say, making certain exceptions. But we should say, "Read Everything." Then begin to write. Here is an example: say you read Pickwick. ”

“ Unable to pay my Lawyer's bill, I was compelled to seek refuge in a country where I could not be reached by the Extradition law. I took a passage in The Flying Dutchman, and went to Spain. I am now settled in Grenada, where I am believed by the peasantry to be an English ghost that has escaped from a branch of the Moorish Alhambra that has been recently established in Leicester Square. I find some consolation in the thought that those whom I now haunt seem to be growing rather fond of me. ”

“ There is a sketch by John Leech, illustrating the moment in the Bagman's Story when the old arm-chair wakes up Tom Smart, and assumes the form and features of a gouty, but wickedly sly, old gentleman, which alone is "worth all the money." It is a real Christmas picture; and indeed a small volume of Tales from Pickwick, illustrated by fanciful and humorous artists, would make a capital Christmas Book of the good old Dickensian sort. Mr. Punch has given the hint: fiat! ”

“ A Manager does not revive a piece which was not originally produced at his theatre without some pretty good reason for so doing. He must, at least, be fairly confident of its attractive powers as, at all events, a remunerative stop-gap ”

“ Now, my men, I hear that some of you require to know something about the Law of Entail. Now those of you who have taken any certificate from a University can take a pace to the front. March! (The entire Company complies.) Dear me! You seem to be very well educated. Eh, Sergeant?
Sergeant. Well, pretty well, Sir. We are not equal to E Company, although we can hold our own fairly against B, C, D, F, and G. As for H Company, it is out of the competition altogether. H Company is the best read Company in the Battalion, if not in the Regiment. ”

“ Petersburg, characters, Nikpik, Kinkel, Grazsnod, and Putmann. You represent a sporting scene where Putmann, with his eyes shut, kills a bird, and afterwards Kinkel wounds Putmann. "Hullo," says the reader, "uncommonly like Pickwick, and writes impetuously and indignantly to papers. Whereupon, you write in reply, saying "it may be so: les grands esprits se rencontrent: but that you have never heard of Pickwick, much less read it." By this time everyone will allow that you are entitled to be regarded as the greatest Fictionist of the age. ”

“ Go and see No. 341, by William Stott, of Oldham, R.B.A.,—a name that sounds quite Shakspearian, like "Goodman Puff of Barson,"—and give yourself three guesses at what W. S. of Oldham means by it. It represents a very carotty-haired young woman, looking pale as a turnip—"white flesh," as the gardeners say—taking a bathe in the sea when no one is looking, and where police regulations are not in force. She is so tallowy in face and flesh colour, and her hair so flaming red, that the title might be, "A 'Dip' in the Sea." Well, this is William Stott of Oldham's "Venus;" and if you'll turn to No. ”

“ Surely the Great Auk must have been the original bird signified in tradition under the name of the legendary goose that laid the golden eggs.
The Premier of the French Cabinet may be well described as "Nulli Secundus." He is second to nobody, for the President is Nobody—to speak of. ”

“ I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-lf-r for making smooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour about that he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and that the Markiss is inclined to humour him. ”

“ Besant says, "description is not slavish enumeration."
Rule I.—Tell a lie. Rule II.—Don't stick to it, but tell another, and a bigger one. Pile 'em up, and thus at last you may become an unrivalled Fictionist.
Rule III.—"Work regularly, at certain hours." Ascertain the time the Lark rises, and be up with it. Always be up to time, and to any amount of Larks. Let everybody in the house know you're at work. ”

“ C. V. Stanford as if he were drawing the portrait of Ancient Nicholas, as portrayed by Cruikshank when illustrating The Lay of S. Médard, in the Ingoldsby Legends. A Composer with Strings, Wood-wind ("comest thou with blasts from——" &c., as Baconspeare hath it) and "horns" is the man to write a cantata entitled "Herne the Hunter," and I am not at all sure that there isn't a Herne already in existence, and that that Herne isn't His'n. ”

“ Very well, you may go.
[Scene closes in upon A Company marching towards Captain Dash's quarters, while the Adjutant gets H Company (with some difficulty) into something like a proper formation for receiving elementary instruction in the mysteries of "fours."
A Circular Note.—The literary character of our leading statesmen of all shades of political opinion is well sustained at the present day. They are learned in all the 'ologies, including ap-ologies, of which art Mr. Gladstone and Mr. Balfour are by this time past-masters. Long may they live—and learn.
[pg 294]
THE IRREVOCABLE PAST! ”

“ The vocal part of the entertainment was especially good, thanks to the really charming singing of the Misses Agnes Janson and Hamlin. The geniuses in the Orchestra who are for all time, and any tune, managed occasionally to get a little out of hand in spite of Mr. ”