Various

“ It is very fortunate for the social welfare of community that all its actions should not be sublime. Mankind would become too serious and morose and cynical, and life would be a burden. The ridiculous makes it enjoyable, but at the expense of those who cause the ridicule. Man must laugh, no matter what the cost to the object laughed at.
Ordinary intelligence would have decided the fate of the wise individual who found no other use for his eyes but to scratch them out in a bramble-bush. ”

“ Further developments will doubtless show that Boston was ahead not of New Haven only, in the enjoyment of the refreshing young cataclasm referred to, but was the absolute "Hub" from which it radiated, and therefore ahead of all the rest of creation in regard of earthquakes as everything else. Property has already gone up to a tremendous figure at Boston, owing to the multifarious fascinations of the place; but the greatest chance folks there ever had to "pile it on" is the admission of the earthquake as a "Boston notion." ”

“ But, to "retrace my tale," as the canine said, when a flee was suckin the heart's blood from his cordil appendige—
"Well, my friends," said I, humerin these men in their mistake, "what can I do for you down to Washington?"
"Do for us? thou great and mitey!" said they all to once, "keep us into offis—we 'go' you, Nov. 8th."
"Well," said I, "my good men, my word is law down to Washington. Everybody respects the great DANIL WEBSTER."
"Eh!—who—what," exclaimed several.
"I say that I, DANIL WEBSTER, is great guns with the goverment," was my reply. ”

“ When at length that strong-minded female strides across the stage, we hail her with rapturous applause, and listen for the strident voice with which the average "Lady Macbeth" reads her husband's letter. ”

“ What are the elements of success in politics?
Cheek and stamps.
At what place is this art most cultivated?
At Washington.
How many classes of politicians are there?
Three: big strikes, little strikes, and repeaters.
Define them.
Big strikes are those who, when they make a haul, mean business. Little strikes are those who look after the pence, while the big strikes are looking after the pounds. Both these classes have steady occupation. Repeaters are little strikes who are employed only at election time.
Where are they found?
In both the Republican and Democratic schools. ”

“ One night, having been entreated by a select party of his most aged patients to go with them on a horniferous bendation, he gradually dropped, by dramific degrees, in a state of absolute tipsidity, and four clergymen, who happened to be passing, carried him home on a shutter, and thus ushered him in all his drunkosity, into the presence of his little better-half, who was drawing in crayons in the back parlor. "My dear," said she, looking up with an angelic smile, "why did you come home in that odd manner, upon a shutter?" ”

“ We wish to do all in our power to keep the world cheerful. If there is a youth of our acquaintance who despairs of ever raising a fine moustache, we would remind him of that comforting apothegm of the Spanish: "Un cabello haze sombra"—"The least hair makes a shadow." Courage, lad! and do not cast that shadow from thy lip. If there is a single hair already there, it is a manly and noble thing!
"Done Brown."
"TOM BROWN" is not looked upon as a sheepish person, and yet, the English of his name is ewes ('ughes) . ”

“ If the King of All the Fishes can draw such crowds at a quarter a head, what a chance is there for our friend LOUIS NAPOLEON! If he will but make an Exhibition of himself in this country, we promise him full houses, and a greater fortune than that which he has lost. ”

“ Of all such persons, the one with microscopes in his bumps for eyes is the most bumptious. He is continually detecting pernicious particles in everything that he eats and drinks. One such will seize a pepper-castor, invert it over his mashed turnips, spank it as if it were a child, and then, peering at the dark particles with which the succulent heap of vegetable matter is dusted, proceed to deliver a lecture upon the poisons that we swallow with our daily food. He sees iron-filings in the pepper. ”

“ Be that as it may, we are constrained to note the actress's unfamiliarity with the language, as evinced in the tone in which she reads the letter, and also in the way in which she urges her husband onward in the path of crime. The usual "Lady Macbeth" "goes for" her weakminded spouse, and drives him by threats and strong-language to consent to her little game. ”

“ Though the poet has never yet touched upon politics, yet the careful reader will find that the hero of the sketch must have been a young Democrat, since he is made to appear very nimble, and has a fondness, partial to himself, of getting into rather thorny places. What led him into those dangerous places we have very little chance of knowing. "He was wondrous wise," saith the poet, and forsooth he jumps into a bramble-bush, the last place in the world where a wise man is to be found. But then, perhaps, a tincture of irony flew from our poet's pen ”

“ PUNCHINELLO has an Editor's Drawer, and a very nice one, too. (As no allusion is here made to any of the artists of the paper, you needn't be getting ready to laugh.) This Drawer—and no periodical in the country possesses a better one—is chock full of the most splendid anecdotes, and as it is impossible to keep them shut up any longer (for some of them are getting very old and musty) , a few of the bottom ones will now be given to the public. ”

“ And suppose they did: what is a friend, any way? Why, something you would do well to rid yourself of as soon as possible. There is scarcely anything mean, sordid, contemptible, and disgusting, that an average friend won't do without winking.
It would certainly contribute greatly to the cheerfulness of one about to leave this "mortial wale," to feel morally certain that nobody cared a rap about him, or was going to make any fuss just for a trifle like that.
We must say, however, we would prefer to see our mourning friends go the whole figure, and not visit the opera in weeds. ”

“ It is true, chalk is not in so general use, as an article of diet, as cheese, except in boarding-schools; but the difference is plainly one of degree rather than of kind. We have heard of "prepared chalk." It has been whispered that gentle spinsters use it for a beautifyer. We rather incline to the belief that it is prepared for the inside rather than the outside of humanity. ”

“ Then, too, her gross ignorance of English is shown in her back hair, which is a foot longer than the average hair of previous "Lady Macbeths," and is as thick and massive as a lion's mane. Wicked and punnish persons go so far as to call it her mane attraction. They are wrong, however. JANAUSCHEK does not draw by the force of capillary attraction. By the bye, did any one ever notice the fact that while a painter cannot be considered an artist unless he draws well, an actress may be the greatest of artists and not be able to draw a hundred people? ”

“ A balloon is the best pulpit imaginable from which to preach a sermon upon the littleness of mundane realities, first—because no one can hear you, and your congregation cannot therefore be held responsible for indifference to your teaching ”

“ He didn't force Nature. He forgot enough every day to set five modern politicians up for life. When he opened his mouth to speak, it didn't act upon the audience like chloroform, nor did the senate-chamber look five minutes after like a receiving tomb, with the bodies laying round promiscuously. ”

“ Prussia's obstinacy in pushing the war has made so many widows and orphans that all France is a PASS for TEARS.
FRIGHTFUL SHOCK SUSTAINED BY BEAU BIGSBY ON BEING SUDDENLY
BROUGHT FACE TO FACE WITH ONE OF THOSE DISTORTING MIRRORS.
OUR PORTFOLIO.
"Up in a balloon, boys!"—Macbeth.
TOURS, FIFTH WEEK Of THE REPUBLIC, 1870.
DEAR PUNCHINELLO: To all men of lofty ambition I would recommend a balloon excursion. The higher you get, the smaller and more insignificant do earthly things appear. ”

“ The fact is, people sacrifice too much to their friends. Especially after the friends are dead. "The cream of the joke is," as our lively essayist remarks, "that the dead do not dream of your sufferings on their account." ”

“ Once we remember to have heard the subject of the possibility of lizards snakes, frogs, and other cheerful reptiles having resided for indefinite periods in the stomachs of human subjects, discussed in the presence of the microscopic man. A lady of the party was skeptical on the subject, dwelling especially upon the impossibility of any person swallowing a reptile unawares. ”

“ Is it possible for a person to sleep during an earthquake?
Answer. Yes: we are acquainted with persons who can sleep soundly upon any kind of shake-down.
Philander. What is the best way of testing a horse's temper?
Answer. If you have a suspicion that the horse is quick to take a fence, just dash him at one and try.
Gorman Dyzer. We think it quite proper, as you suppose, to eat sausages with turkey on Thanksgiving Day. We decline to answer your other question, as to whether it is right to eat turkey with sausages on Thanksgiving Day. It is irrelevant. ”

“ If the House of Representatives has a Republican majority of thirty, and it remains in session until 8 P.M. on the 4th of July, at what time will a Democrat, whose seat is contested by a Republican, obtain that seat?
THOMAS BROWN, you can try the same example with the Assembly at Albany, only taking the majority as Democratic, and the man whose seat is contested as Republican.
Next boy—Who are the most successful artists among politicians? ”

“ Some talented men were undoubtedly stupid boys, but it doesn't follow that every idiotic youth will make an eminent statesman. But there are plenty of vacancies in the statesman business. A great many men go into it, but they fail for want of capital. If they would only stick to their legitimate business of clam-digging, or something of that sort, we should appreciate them, and their obituary notice would be a thing to love, because 'twould be short. ”

“ MORRISSEY is a very able man and made his mark early in life. Before he could write his name, I'm told. No man has made more brilliant hits, and his speeches are concise and full of originality. "I'll take mine straight." ”

“ The beautiful creations of that fruitful brain are as a passing panorama of constant delight. Her style is singularly free from affectation, and, while we are at one moment rapt in wonder at her chaste and vigorous description of the annoyances of a female in the autumn of life, training up a large family in the limited accommodations afforded by a common shoe, we cannot but feel a twinge of compassion for the singular Mrs. ”

“ Will holding a looking-glass to the face of a person supposed to be dead determine whether breathing has ceased or not?
Answer. The test is used by physicians. There is an instance on record of a looking-glass being thus applied to a young girl who had been unconscious for hours. She opened her eyes to look at herself in it, which proved that she was wide awake.
Widow McRue.—How soon after my husband's death would it be proper for me to give up my weeds?
Answer. If your husband allowed you to smoke during his life-time, we do not see why you should give up the practice after his death. ”

“ The Proprietors and Publishers of THE AMERICAN CHEMIST, having purchased the subscription list and stock of the American reprint of the CHEMICAL NEWS, have decided to advance the interests of the American Chemical Science by the publication of a Journal which shall be a medium of communication for all practical, thinking, experimenting, and manufacturing scientific men throughout the country. ”

“ He jumped into another bush, and scratched them in again.
Some people have a very curious way of doing things. Nowadays when the world has advanced by prodigious strides almost to the limit of civilization, and having no further to go, is debating within itself whether it shall lie down and take a rest, a man don't go to so much trouble to have his eyes out. The age is a fast one, you know ”

“ We remember a writer who merited more notice than he actually received, for his well-considered thoughts on the behavior of Mourners,—whose conduct, as a general thing, is certainly open to criticism. ”

“ We are confident upon this point, and we have on our side the testimony of a married man who has lived four years in Chicago, and has been annually married with great regularity. If he doesn't know what the average female regards as the proper thing in night-dresses, it would be difficult to find a man who does. ”

“ On all sides, men was fallin down to worship me, just as if I was the Golden Calf, spoken of in scripters, or else some great poletikle Mogul, with a pocket full of blank commissions, ready to be filled out for good fat offises. ”

“ In the first place the cholera raged, then they had an earthquake, and then G.F. TRAIN lectured three nights. Owing to this accumulation of horrors the village is no longer to be found on the maps. TRAIN'S second night did the business for 'em. The once happy villagers are now aimless wanderers, and one poor old man was found in the churchyard, studying a war map of Paris and vicinity in a late New York paper. ”

“ Of course we refer to phrenological bumps, from which, possibly, the powerful adjective "bumptious" is derived, it being applicable to a person whose conflicting bumps keep him continually on the rampage. ”

“ In short, Virginia not having got the best of it in political quiddities, this pen-patriot is for trying the other kind. The short-sightedness of this policy will be evident, when we remember how many Republicans consider the weed to be the abomination of desolation. Virginia might poison chewing-tobacco till the crack of doom, but what effect would that have upon the eschewing (not chewing) GREELEY, who, even if he used it, has bitten T (he) WEED so many times that he can consider himself poison-proof. ”

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