W. S. Gilbert

“ HILDEBRAND. Where is she now? (Threatening.) GAMA. In Castle Adamant, One of my many country houses. There she rules a women's University, With full a hundred girls, who learn of her. CYRIL. A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies! GAMA. But no mere girls, my good young gentleman; With all the college learning that you boast, The youngest there will prove a match for you. CYRIL. With all my heart, if she's the prettiest! (To Florian.) Fancy, a hundred matches – all alight! — That's if I strike them as I hope to do! GAMA. Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men. ”

“ There are a hundred maids within these walls, All good, all learned, and all beautiful: They are prepared to love you: will you swear To give the fullness of your love to them? HILARION. Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will! PRINCESS. But we go further: Will you undertake That you will never marry any man? FLORIAN. Indeed we never will! PRINCESS. Consider well, You must prefer our maids to all mankind! HILARION. To all mankind we much prefer your maids! CYRIL. We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how fair — HILARION. (Aside to Cyril) Take care – that's rather strong! ”

“ CYRIL, HILARION, and FLORIAN
HILARION. I am a maiden, cold and stately, Heartless I, with face divine. What do I want with a heart, innately? Every heart I meet is mine! Every heart I meet is mine! ALL. Haughty, humble, coy, or free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Ev'ry maid is the maid for me! Dance.
CYRIL. I am a maiden, frank and simple, Brimming with joyous roguery; Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple Nobody breaks more hearts than I! Nobody breaks more hearts than I! ”

“ ALL. "Maids are we, maids are we!" MELISSA. But 'twould be an error To confess our terror, So in Ida's name, Boldly we exclaim: ALL. Death to the invader! Strike a deadly blow, As an old Crusader Struck his Paynim foe! Flourish. Enter Princess, armed, attended by Blanche and Psyche.
PRINCESS. I like your spirit, girls! We have to meet Stern bearded warriors in fight to-day; Wear naught but what is necessary To preserve your dignity before their eyes, And give your limbs full play. BLANCHE. One moment, ma'am, Here is a paradox we should not pass Without inquiry. ”

“ CYRIL. Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild, Explaining all his tricks before he did them? HILARION. Are you that learned little Psyche, who At dinner parties, brought in to dessert, Would tackle visitors with "You don't know Who first determined longitude – I do – Hipparchus 'twas – B.C. one sixty-three!" Are you indeed that small phenomenon? PSYCHE. That small phenomenon indeed am I! But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here: We have all promised to renounce mankind! FLORIAN. Renounce mankind! ”

“ HILARION. Madam, you placed your trust in Woman – well, Woman has failed you utterly – try Man, Give him one chance, it's only fair – besides, Women are far too precious, too divine, To try unproven theories upon. Experiments, the proverb says, are made On humble subjects – try our grosser clay, And mould it as you will! CYRIL. Remember, too Dear Madam, if at any time you feel A-weary of the Prince, you can return To Castle Adamant, and rule your girls As heretofore, you know. PRINCESS. And shall I find The Lady Psyche here? ”

“ GIRLS. SOLDIERS. For a fight's a kind of thing Oh, I love the jolly rattle of an ordeal by battle; That I love to look upon, There's an end of tittle-tattle when your enemy is dead. So let us sing It's an arrant molly-coddle "Long live the king Fears a crack upon his noddle, And his son Hilarion!" And he's only fit to swaddle in a downy feather-bed! During this, Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril are brought out by the "Daughters of the Plough". They are still bound and wear the robes. Enter Gama.
GAMA. Hilarion! Cyril! Florian! dressed as women! Is this indeed Hilarion? ”

“ Oh, Hungary! Oh, doughty sons of Hungary! May all success Attend and bless Your warlike ironmongery! Hilarion! Hilarion! Hilarion! By this time, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius are on the ground, wounded; Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian stand over them.
PRINCESS. (Entering through gate and followed by Ladies, Hildebrand, and Gama.) Hold! stay your hands! – we yield ourselves to you! Ladies, my brothers all lie bleeding there! Bind up their wounds – but look the other way. (Coming down) Is this the end? (Bitterly to Lady Blanche) How say you, Lady Blanche – Can I with dignity my post resign? ”

“ On sweet urbanity, Through mere inanity, To touch their vanity We will rely! CYRIL. When day is fading, With serenading And such frivolity We'll prove our quality. A sweet profusion Of soft allusion This bold intrusion Shall justify. CHORUS. Oh, dainty triolet, etc. FLORIAN. We'll charm their senses With verbal fences, With ballads amatory And declamatory. Little heeding Their pretty pleading, Our love exceeding We'll justify! CHORUS. Oh, dainty triolet, etc. Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius, heavily ironed, followed by Hildebrand. ”

“ ARAC. Aye, pretty ones, engage yourselves with us, If three rude warriors affright you not! HILARION. Old as you are, I'd wring your shrivelled neck If you were not the Princess Ida's father. GAMA. If I were not the Princess Ida's father, And so had not her brothers for my sons, No doubt you'd wring my neck – in safety too! Come, come, Hilarion, begin, begin! Give them no quarter – they will give you none. You've this advantage over warriors Who kill their country's enemies for pay: You know what you are fighting for – look there! ”

“ Man is coarse and Man is plain – Man is more or less insane – Man's a ribald – Man's a rake – Man is Nature's sole mistake! CHORUS. We'll a memorandum make – Man is Nature's sole mistake! And thus to empyrean height Of ev'ry kind of lore, In search of wisdom's pure delight, Ambitiously we soar. In trying to achieve success No envy racks our heart, For all we know and all we guess We mutually impart! And all the knowledge we possess, We mutually impart! Enter Lady Blanche. All stand up demurely.
BLANCHE. Attention, ladies, while I read to you The Princess Ida's list of punishments. ”

“ ADA. Please you, ma'am, the band Do not feel well, and can't come out today! PRINCESS. Why, this is flat rebellion! I've no time To talk to them just now. But, happily, I can play several instruments at once, And I will drown the shrieks of those that fall With trumpet music, such as soldiers love! How stand we with respect to gunpowder? My Lady Psyche – you who superintend Our lab'ratory – are you well prepared To blow these bearded rascals into shreds? ”

“ I built upon a rock, But ere Destruction's hand Dealt equal lot To Court and cot, My rock had turn'd to sand! I leant upon an oak, But in the hour of need, Alack-a-day, My trusted stay Was but a bruisèd reed! A bruisèd reed! Ah, faithless rock, My simple faith to mock! Ah, trait'rous oak, Thy worthlessness to cloak! I drew a sword of steel But when to home and hearth The battle's breath Bore fire and death, My sword was but a lath! I lit a beacon fire, But on a stormy day Of frost and rime, In wintertime, My fire had died away, Had died away! Ah, coward steel, That fear can un-anneal! ”

“ Exeunt Hildebrand and Hilarion. Enter Courtiers.
CHORUS
From the distant panorama Come the sons of royal Gama. They are heralds evidently, And are sacred consequently, Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail! Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius.
SONG – ARAC, GURON, and SCYNTHIUS
ARAC. We are warriors three, Sons of Gama, Rex, Like most sons are we, Masculine in sex. ALL THREE. Yes, yes, yes, Masculine in sex. ARAC. Politics we bar, They are not our bent; On the whole we are Not intelligent. ALL THREE. No, no, no, Not intelligent. ”

“ HILARION. No, madam, none. We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see, And we have never fished for lover's love. We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems, False hair and meretricious ornament, To chain the fleeting fancy of a man, But do not imitate them. What we have Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too, Unladylike, but not unwomanly, Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt To reckon Nature an impertinence. ”

“ We are all taught, and, being taught, believe That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart. CYRIL. That's rather strong. PSYCHE. The truth is always strong! SONG – PSYCHE
A Lady fair, of lineage high, Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by. The Maid was radiant as the sun, The Ape was a most unsightly one, So it would not do – His scheme fell through – For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, Express'd such terror At his monstrous error, That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape. ”

“ Mighty maiden with a mission, Paragon of common sense, Running fount of erudition, Miracle of eloquence, We are blind and we would see; We are bound, and would be free; We are dumb, and we would talk; We are lame, and we would walk. ”

“ Oh, goddess wise That lovest light, Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine, That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine! Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes – Who thirst for such instruction as we give, Attend, while I unfold a parable. The elephant is mightier than Man, Yet Man subdues him. ”

“ CYRIL. They'll mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him And they're going to do without him If they can, ALL. If they can! These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see; These are the phenomena That ev'ry pretty domina Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see! HILARION. So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well, they must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires such walls as those to keep intruders off!
CYRIL. To keep men off is only half their charge ”

“ We can dispense with fulminating grains While we have eyes with which to flash our rage! We can dispense with villainous saltpetre While we have tongues with which to blow them up! We can dispense, in short, with all the arts That brutalize the practical polemist! ”

“ Exit Gama. Hilarion, Florian, and Cyril are led off.
SONG – ARAC, GURON, SCYNTHIUS, and CHORUS
ARAC. This helmet, I suppose, Was meant to ward off blows, It's very hot And weighs a lot, As many a guardsman knows – So off that helmet goes. OTHERS. Yes, yes, yes, So off that helmet goes! (Giving their helmets to attendants) ARAC. This tight-fitting cuirass Is but a useless mass, It's made of steel, And weighs a deal, This tight-fitting cuirass Is but a useless mass – A man is but an ass Who fights in a cuirass, So off goes that cuirass. OTHERS. Yes, yes, yes, So off goes that cuirass! ”

“ To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes; And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; I love my fellow creatures – I do all the good I can – Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! ”

“ I know everybody's income and what everybody earns; And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns; But to benefit humanity however much I plan, Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man! ”

“ Why, tyrant Man himself admits It's a waste of time to argue with a woman! Then we excel in social qualities: Though man professes that he holds our sex In utter scorn, I venture to believe He'd rather pass the day with one of you, Than with five hundred of his fellow-men! In all things we excel. ”

“ We are prone to say "This thing is Needful – that, Superfluous" – Yet they invariably co-exist! We find the Needful comprehended in The circle of the grand Superfluous, Yet the Superfluous cannot be brought Unless you're amply furnished with the Needful. These singular considerations are — PRINCESS. Superfluous, yet not Needful – so you see The terms may independently exist. (To Ladies) Women of Adamant, we have to show That women, educated to the task, Can meet Man, face to face, on his own ground, And beat him there. ”

“ While Darwinian Man, though well behaved, At best is only a monkey shaved! ”

“ And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's As Woman's brain to Man's – that's rule of three – Conquers the foolish giant of the woods, As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man. In Mathematics, Woman leads the way ”