William Taplin

“ When called to a patient upon the recommendation of the family apothecary, you are to consider him one of your best friends, and pay court to him accordingly; on the contrary, if you are engaged upon the spontaneous opinion of the patient, or his relatives, you have every reason to conclude the abilities of the apothecary are held in very slender estimation, and you may safely venture to display as much of your own consequence and superiority, as circumstances will admit. ”

“ Having descended to the very minutiæ of a long, extensive, and successful practice, to form your mind, and regulate your manners in every professional transaction of your life, I cannot doubt, but rules so directly consonant to your personal interest and reputation, will receive every assistance from your unerring consistency and perseverance, conveying a perfect corroboration of the gratitude you feel, for the intrinsic worth of so liberal and friendly a communication. ”

“ Let what will be the condition of your patient, you are not to act as some few conscientious practitioners do, explaining what you conceive to be the nature of the case, original cause of complaint, or from what operation you expect expeditious relief; this may be the best practice with those unfashionable formal old fellows, who received their medical instructions near half a century since, and pique themselves upon what they call their integrity; but it will be perfectly illiberal in you, who have received a more modern, and polished education. ”

“ During the indisposition of your patient, ’tis your duty to think much more of the emolument that will arise from the protraction of his case, than the expedience of his cure. You must have it ever in mind, that he has paid you the the greatest compliment one man can possibly pay another on earth ”

“ You fortunately make your appearance upon the boards of public patronage, under the most striking advantages; the prevalence of fashion has exceeded every consideration of decency and discretion, and you are become (by the influence of pride and imitation) as necessary to the comfort of a cottage, as the happiness of a court. From the nature of your professional destination, a pleasing exterior, and an accomplished person, are invariably expected ”

“ Under these considerations, in the full career of your expectations, it can never prove inapplicable to prepare your mind for some of the rebuffs and disappointments that inevitably ensue. I conclude you are possessed of youth, health, diligence, and constitutional stamina; but there are other requisites, equally necessary for the performance of professional duties, to which by election you dedicate the store of knowledge you have so industriously acquired. ”

“ On the contrary, so soon as you observe your prescriptions have “worked wonders” upon two or three of the most credulous and superstitious, who are extolling your great knowledge and “blessing your honour,” strengthen the force of your judgment by charitably obtruding a pecuniary corroboration into the hand of your afflicted patient, as a confirmation of your unbounded skill in the (miraculous) cure of every disease to which the human frame is incident. ”

“ Having for many years encountered the worst, you are now prepared for the best; and bidding adieu to the rigid rules of austere masters, embark upon your own foundation, qualified for every medical consultation, from the bedchamber of a duchess dowager to the subterraneous residence of her chairman. ”

“ In all kinds of inferior practice render every look, every thought and action, subservient to your general intent of personal rank and pecuniary consequence; it must be your particular study to inculcate every idea in the lower class, of your great penetration and abilities; by your minute investigations, cross-examinations, and applicable nods of significance (implying the most extensive knowledge) you will discover remote symptoms, that once explained to the complaining patient, will give them reason to believe (which they very readily do) you are a supernatural agent ”

“ These are maxims that may at first sight seem beneath the attention of a young and brilliant practitioner, who erroneously conceiving merit a sufficient recommendation, requires no other conductor; but they are so evidently an absolute part of his necessary study, that unless such mutual arts are occasionally put in practice, he can never (in the present multiplied state of practitioners) expect to derive the common necessaries of life from a fair and generous practice of his profession. ”

“ In respect to personal appearance, former distinctions and peculiarities are in some degree levelled, the world is very much relaxed in its severities, and the apothecary mixes with the general herd of mankind, without those distinguishing exteriors that were his professional characteristics. The gilt-headed cane and enormous tassel are no longer in use; the full-bottom wig, that so universally ornamented the os frontis of the faculty in general, is now almost laid aside with inferior classes, and engrossed by the college. ”

“ To the fertility of your genius, to the extent of your commerce, to the enterprising spirit of your pecuniary embarkations, the faculty are indebted for the great variety and striking novelties, that render them so much the subjects of admiration. ”

“ Let all your proceedings have a peculiar and commanding dignity annexed to the execution; by assuming a17 want of feeling, even to ferocity, you will be termed a practitioner of spirit, and become properly distinguished for your professional fortitude. No tender sensations must be permitted to influence your feelings during any operation, however tedious, or painful to the patient; they are an ornament to human nature, and beneath your consideration as one of the faculty.—Custom has rendered you ineligible to a place in the jury box, as an evident proof of your professional brutality ”

“ To carry which point in a still greater degree, renew, at every visit, your attentions to the nurse (who in your absence is a vortex of knowledge, in your presence all obedience) her approbation of your conduct, and good opinion of your practice must be obtained at any price; it becomes with you a consideration of greater magnitude than your patient’s recovery; for should death no longer permit her presence in the scene of sublunary events, you lose one patient only ”

“ Adulteration has many pleasing advantages annexed to its practice; by the applicable introduction of an harmless ingredient, you may reduce the dangerous property of a drastic purgative, and render a powerful poison less destructive; by such acts you will enjoy the inexpressible consolation of hourly contributing to the safety of your fellow-creatures, in exertions of humanity, that will do you the greatest honour.
The prelude to the Pharmacopœia, sufficiently informs you, the College of Wigs are empowered by royal sanction to invent, or constitute forms, and the cabinet to enforce them ”

“ On the contrary, when your advice and assistance is required to a patient, whose feelings are equally wounded by bodily affliction and the barbed arrow of adversity, you may safely reverse the whole mode of behaviour, and put into practice your personal pride, even to perfect impudence. This will be in many respects a consistency of conduct; it will be convincing them, as you have nothing to hope from51 their affluence, you have certainly nothing to fear from their poverty. ”

“ Men of understanding, experience, and observation, know, that the benignant hand of providence continues to anticipate in a variety of instances the interpositions of art; and nature would, upon many occasions, entirely effect her own work, if not so frequently interrupted and retarded by the officious hands and interested experiments of professional jugglers. ”

“ After the awkward ceremony of your first appearance is over,8 and matters a little adjusted, take great care to be upon your guard; indulge in a variety of significant gestures, and emphatical hems!—and hahs! proving you possessed of singularities, that may tend to excite ideas in the patient and surrounding friends, that a physician is a superior part of the creation.——Let every action, every word, every look, be strongly marked, denoting doubt and ambiguity ”

“ In this deceptive charity, some degree of discrimination must be put in practice, for you will sometimes perceive one among the train, whose apparel or behaviour must necessarily give you reason to suspect he has assumed the cloak of necessity to save his fee, and avail himself of your professional5 liberality in such case, call to your aid a look of true medical austerity, and let him understand “advice is seldom of any value or “effect unless it is paid for;” ”

“ Having passed the tedious years of abstruse study and intense application, necessary to your initiation in the mysteries of physic, and replete with a perfect remembrance of all the requisites to this great art, we suppose you recently emerged from the obscurity of dreary walls and dull professors, a phenomænon of universal knowledge and family admiration. ”

“ Remember in all cases of difficulty and danger to be mindful of the emplastrum adhæsivum of connexion, by which every branch of the faculty should be united for the preservation of the whole; advise (without the least reference to the enormity of expence) a consultation of the most eminent; this renders the case of your patient more serious and alarming, and you oblige your brethren by the recommendation; first of a physician, whose prescription introduces the apothecary; and you then proceed physically and systematically in the joint depredation and cure ”

“ To the nurse, great part of your attention must be directed; for she, like a bellows blower to the organist at a cathedral, will expect to be included and constitute WE in all the merit of your execution.—The rapidity, or gradual progress of labour, at length closes your complicated scene of mirth and anxiety ”

“ Notwithstanding the superiority and extent of your knowledge, so visibly displayed in the sublimity of your frequent67 experiments, that have raised you to such a great degree of professional eminence, there may yet be some profitable principles of practice, inculcated by a long and studious observer, that will evidently add to your emoluments, if not to the encrease of your reputations. ”

“ The professional path you now begin to tread, is so replete with danger, and the probability of success so very uncertain, that the fertile world have not omitted to make it proverbial, “A physician never begins to get bread, till he has no “teeth to eat it.” ”

“ You have nobly and skilfully slipped your neck out of the collar, and left all the credit of killing (as you really ought to54 do) to your superior, whose diploma entitles him to the preference; and, vice versa, should you perceive the patient and family become dupes to your affected sincerity, and that you are daily raising yourself in their estimation, erect a structure of professional applause upon the basis of their credulity ”

“ Emetic, the apothecary, your formidable enemy, who will then most conscientiously omit to recommend the assistance of such extraordinary abilities on any future occasion.—Take care to look wisdom in every feature; speak but little, and let it be impossible that little should be understood ”

“ In passing the whole body of inhabitants, be strictly careful of your self consequence—a bow of significant respect to two or three of the superiors, may be applicable and consistent—but no familiarity with, or knowledge of, the multitude; the greater your ostentation and indifference, the more servile will be their admiration and respect. ”

“ If you find the family and friends not perfectly satisfied with your conduct, that there is the least coolness and discontent perceptible, or symptoms of present or approaching danger, strongly recommend the presence of a better opinion in the form of a physician; this will prove an exertion of the soundest policy—double the quantity of medicines will be thrown into his prescription for the promotion of your interest, an act that the present danger will amply justify, and should the unhappy victim be doomed ”

“ The indispensible qualifications, for the successful execution of the arduous task you are undertaking, may be comprised in very few words, and those few exceedingly expressive and readily understood; without sobriety, fortitude, judgment, and patience, you never can expect to attain the summit of excellence, or obtain admission to those families whose patronage will contribute most to both credit and emolument. ”

“ These are offices of humanity and service to your fellow creatures, that do you immortal honour; they are retrospectives that form an epoch in the mind of every practitioner, and afford him the powerful consolation of sacred truth, “He that humbleth himself,” &c. by which rule, and the force of a fertile imagination, any apothecary may conceive himself a physician, even in the administration of a glyster. In this hospitable execution (taken metaphorically) there cannot be supposed the least indignity ”