Bunter

“ Bunter laid an accusing finger on a slight stain of grease showing across the light cloth.
"I wish to God I'd never let you grow into a privileged family retainer, Bunter," said Lord Peter, bitterly, dashing his walking-stick into the umbrella-stand. "You've no conception of the mistakes my mother may be making."
Mr. Bunter smiled grimly and led his victim away.
When an immaculate Lord Peter was ushered, rather late for lunch, into Lady Swaffham's drawing-room, the Dowager Duchess of Denver was seated on a sofa, plunged in intimate conversation with Mr. John P. Milligan of Chicago. ”

“ The wad of paper was still in his hand, and he was about to fling it into the fire, when a word caught his eye. He unrolled the paper. As he read it his eyebrows went up and his mouth pursed itself into an indescribable expression of whimsical enlightenment. Bunter, returning with the hot water, found his master transfixed, the paper in one hand, and his socks in the other, and whistling a complicated passage of Bach under his breath.
"Bunter," said his lordship, "I am, without exception, the biggest ass in Christendom. When a thing is close under my nose I can't see it. ”

“ Micawber said," replied Wimsey, "'Income twenty pounds, expenditure nineteen, nineteen, six—result: happiness; expenditure twenty pounds, ought, six—result: misery.' Don't prostrate yourself in gratitude, old bean; nothin' Bunter loves like messin' round with pyro and hyposulphite. Keeps his hand in. All kinds of practice welcome. Finger-prints and process plates spell seventh what-you-may-call-it of bliss, but focal-plane work on scurvy-ridden rodents (good phrase!) acceptable if no crime forthcoming. Crimes have been rather short lately. Been eatin' our heads off, haven't we, Bunter? ”

“ Dear Mrs. Bunter used to worry a good deal after the Sapphire left for Calcutta. She would say to me: "It must be so awful for poor Winston"--Winston is Bunter's name--and I tried to comfort her the best I could. Afterwards, she got some small children to teach in a family, and was half the day with them, and the occupation was good for her.
In the very first letter she had from Calcutta, Bunter told her he had had a fall down the poop-ladder, and cut his head, but no bones broken, thank God. That was all. ”

“ How clever we've all been. How topping everything is. How rich you are going to be. How late it is and how hungry I am. Yes, Bunter, I will wash my face. Is there anything else I can do for anybody while I feel in the mood?"
"If your lordship would be so kind," said Mr. Bunter, producing a small paper from his pocket, "I should be grateful if you could favour me with a South African quadruped in six letters, beginning with Q."
Note.—The solution of the cross-word will be found at the end of the book. ”

“ Head it 'Fentiman' and be ready to come round with me to the Bellona Club to-morrow, complete with camera and the rest of the outfit."
"Very good, my lord. I take it your lordship has a new inquiry in hand?"
"Yes, Bunter—quite new."
"May I venture to ask if it is a promising case, my lord?"
"It has its points. So has a porcupine. No matter. Begone, dull care! Be at great pains, Bunter, to cultivate a detached outlook on life. Take example by the bloodhound, who will follow up with equal and impartial zest the trail of a parricide or of a bottle of aniseed." ”

“ Bunter, the station-keeper, “I think we can take a bite o’ dinner.”
The worthy landlady, Mrs. Bunter, furnished a notable instance of the susceptibility and indifference to externals of the lovers of the plains. She was known, I was informed, as the “widow,” though her husband, a tall, broad-chested, intelligent-looking man of about thirty-three or thirty-four, was “alive,” and probably capable of a good deal of vigorous “kicking.” ”

“ Through his bedroom window, hygienically open top and bottom, a raw fog was rolling slowly in, and the sight of a pair of winter pants, flung hastily over a chair the previous night, fretted him with a sense of the sordid absurdity of the human form. The telephone bell rang, and he crawled wretchedly out of bed and into the sitting-room, where Mrs. Munns, who did for him by the day, was laying the table, sneezing as she went.
Mr. Bunter was speaking.
“His lordship says he’d be very glad, sir, if you could make it convenient to step round to breakfast.” ”

“ When I was a small boy I always hated facts. Thought of 'em as nasty, hard things, all knobs. Uncompromisin'."
"Yes, my lord. My old mother—"
"Your mother, Bunter? I didn't know you had one. I always imagined you were turned out ready-made, so to speak. 'Scuse me. Infernally rude of me. Beg your pardon, I'm sure."
"Not at all, my lord. My mother lives in Kent, my lord, near Maidstone. Seventy-five, my lord, and an extremely active woman for her years, if you'll excuse my mentioning it. I was one of seven."
"That is an invention, Bunter. I know better. You are unique. But I interrupted you. ”

“ Bunting said to me. "We won't take any servants. I shall do the cooking, Thomas will steer, and we're taking a young man from Mr. Bunting's office who knows all about machinery. He's a gentleman and will be quite one of us," she thought it necessary to add.
Mrs. Bunting, I should tell you, is a dear little old fashioned rolypoly, with her front hair waved and laid down smooth on each side of her forehead. She always has a surprised and scandalized look. Her husband has been poking fun at her for twenty-five years, and she still takes him seriously. ”

“ DEAR COUNT BUNKER,—Forgive what must seem to you INCREDIBLE boldness (!) , and do not think worse of me than I deserve. It seems such a pity that you should be so near and yet that I should lose this chance of gratifying my great desire. If you knew how I prized the name of Bunker you would understand; but no doubt I am only one among many, and you do understand better than I can explain.
“My father is away from home, and the WORLD dictates prudence; but I know your views on conventionality are those I too have learned to share, so will you come and see me before you leave Scotland? ”

“ How much had Bunker seen? How much had he understood? Was it fancy, or did the dog crouch, the tiniest impulse, away from him as he bent to pat him? Bunker was tired; he relapsed on to his haunches, wagged his tail, grinned, but in his eyes there seemed, although the lamplight was deceptive, to be the faintest shadow of an apprehension.
"Good old dog, good old Bunker." Bunker wagged his tail, but the tiniest shiver passed, like a thought, through his body.
Olva left him.
As he passed through the streets he met men whom he knew. They nodded or flung a greeting. ”

“ Bunker, sitting up in bed. She looked at her husband. "Where is Mun Bun?" she asked.
"I don't know," he answered. "He was sleeping with me, but, all of a sudden, I woke up and Mun Bun was not with me."
"He must have awakened and got up to get a drink, or something," said Mrs. Bunker. "Then when he went to go back again, he couldn't find the place where you were, and he's either crawled in with Russ [62] and Laddie, or with Rose and Violet. We must look for him."
"I'll look," said Mr. Bunker. "You stay with Margy. If she wakes up and finds you gone, she'll cry and disturb the whole car. ”

“ While leaning on the railing of the steamer, with our eyes on the beautiful panorama of the bay, Captain Bunker told me that my lot was cast in a vicious city, and that I must resist evil temptation, and always be a good boy, and become a worthy man, and breathed other kind words into my ears, which soothed my lonely and inexperienced heart, made me cry vociferously, and I have always cherished him with the purest affection. ”

“ Bunker had lived alone he was neither a miser nor a crank, and did not appear to have had an enemy in the world. The crowds that flocked to the house came to view the body of their old friend, and to express a wish that his murderer be brought to speedy justice. Motives of mere curiosity did not actuate many of them. From several of them I gathered a number of clues, all of which pointed to one conclusion, namely, that a tramp had been seen coming from the direction of the Bunker farm early in the morning of the day on which the body of Mr. Bunker had been found. ”

“ I’m looking for a family named Bunker. Do you know if they live around here?”
“We’re the Bunkers!” quickly answered Russ. “Anyhow, we’re the most of ’em,” he [Pg 19] added, laughing. “All but daddy and——”
“Oh!” murmured the driver of the truck. “Are there more of you?”
“It is rather a large family,” said Mrs. Bunker. “I have two more boys.”
“My daddy’s in his office,” volunteered Violet, who was now satisfied that her doll, Esmeralda, was all right except for a little dirt.
“And Laddie and Mun Bun are digging a hole to China,” added Margy. ”

“ Just the same, he did not feel as though he could make a riddle out of it.
"Now, Rose, and you, Laddie," said Mother Bunker admonishingly, as she seated them before her in one of the double seats of the Pullman car in which they had their reservations, "I want to know all about how you came to forget the watch and the pin—and just where you forgot them?"
Although Mother Bunker was usually very cheerful and patient with the children, this was a serious matter. Carelessness and inattention were faults that Mother Bunker was always trying to correct. ”

“ Bunker coughed slightly behind them, and Indiana ran quickly out on the balcony, leaving Lord Canning under the amused fire of Mrs. Bunker's bright eyes. She shook her finger at him, and would have followed Indiana, but Lord Canning did not wish to be taken so lightly.
"Mrs. Bunker," he said in a low, intense voice, grasping the balustrade, "one moment, if you please. It may not be considered anything in America when a man of my age is seen holding the hand of such a very young girl, but, I am not a believer in light sentiment—flirting, perhaps, would be the term. I love your granddaughter!" ”

“ Brown thought he was a pesky apple boy but he wasn't," said Vi. "He only took a few 'cause he was hungry."
"I wants an apple!" said Mun Bun, as he scampered around his brothers and sisters.
"And I want two apples!" said Margy.
Mrs. Bunker wanted Tad to stay to supper, but he said he had some relatives in Avalon, the next town, which could soon be reached by a trolley car. So he left, after thanking the Bunkers, and saying he would come over to see them soon.
"There's something queer about that boy," said Mr. Bunker, when Tad had gone to the trolley station. ”

“ On his behalf I tender to his kind and courteous friends, Mr., Mrs., and the fair maids Gallosh, the thanks of a long-absent exile returned to his native land for the welcome they have given him! To his devoted clan he not only gives his thanks, but his promise that all rents shall be reduced by one half—so long as he dwells among them!” (Tumultuous applause, disturbed only by a violent ejaculation from a large man in knickerbockers whom Bunker justly judged to be the factor.)
“With his last breath he shall perpetually thunder: Ahasheen—comara—mohr!” ”

“ Bunker, in a soothing voice. Men, to her, were like big children—to be humored.
They had moved gradually toward the fire. "These logs," continued Lord Canning, "are a magnet towards which my eyes have been drawn every night since I came. If you knew what I see in them—such a sweet domestic picture, a vision of true happiness!"
"Well, don't depend too much on Indiana's domesticity," said Mrs. Bunker.
"We generally gauge a daughter by her mother, in England," stated Lord Canning.
"Well, it's different over here. The young generation are so precocious—so far ahead of the mothers." ”

“ Bunker. "Besides, if it is their secret it wouldn't be fair for you to know."
"But I want to, Mother!"
"We're not going to tell!" exclaimed Russ.
"Come now! Go to bed, all of you!" cried Daddy Bunker. "You'll have plenty of fun, and secrets, too, if you go to Great Hedge."
"Oh, then we must be going!" cried Rose, and Vi was so excited about this that she forgot to ask any more about the secret. ”

“ Bunker. "Never trust a woman with a soft cooing voice."
"Ha, ha, ha, ha! Quite so, Mrs. Bunker."
"What a sudden change," remarked Lord Canning, "from a fairy pastoral to this mysterious wilderness. Are these sudden changes common to the country?"
"Common to the country—and the women," replied Indiana, laughing.
"Quite so, Miss Stillwater," said Lord Stafford. "You know Pope's familiar couplet—
Women like variegated tulips show,
'Tis to their changes, half their charms they owe.'"
"Do you echo that sentiment, Lord Stafford," asked Mrs. Bunker, archly. ”

“ Mr. Bunker suggested to the planter. "I'll pay the bill."
"Just as you say, Charley," agreed Mr. Armatage. "That will please 'em all about as much as anything you could think of. I'll get some kind of music for them to dance by, and we'll all go down and watch 'em. Y [239] our young ones certainly do like dancing."
This was true. And especially was Russ Bunker anxious to learn to dance as some of the colored boys did. He was constantly practising the funny pigeon wing that he had seen Sam do in Aunt Jo's kitchen, in Boston. But the white boy could not get it just right. ”

“ Bunker adds, in a soothing tone, "I shouldn't like to have you along, even at that price."
He immediately goes to putting the room to rights.
"Horrible breath that man had," says Bunker when we come out: "did you notice it?"
"Yes."
"Take that breath around with us on the Continent! Why, if he was in Cologne itself, his breath would be in the majority."
I had my umbrella in the billiard-room, and next morning I can't find it anywhere. At breakfast I ask the pompous head-waiter if he knows of my umbrella. He states that he does not. After breakfast I look in the billiard-room. It is not there. ”