The Merry Wives of Windsor

“ I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.—
Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
See you these, husband?
[She points to the horns.]
Do not these fair yokes
Become the forest better than the town?
FORD.
Now, sir, who’s a cuckold now? Master Brook, Falstaff’s a knave, a cuckoldly knave. Here are his horns, Master Brook. And, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford’s but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, which must be paid to Master Brook. His horses are arrested for it, Master Brook. ”

“ O omnipotent love, how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast; O Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the semblance of a fowl; think on’t, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? My doe?
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
MISTRESS FORD.
Sir John? Art thou there, my deer, my male deer?
FALSTAFF.
My doe with the black scut! ”

“ Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
FALSTAFF.
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY.
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other ”

“ There is, in my opinion, somewhat more of internal evidence than I have ever seen adduced in support of the tradition current from an early date as to the origin of the Merry Wives of Windsor; a tradition which assigns to Queen Elizabeth the same office of midwife with regard to this comedy as was discharged by Elwood with reference to Paradise Regained. ”

“ He that has done first to have a silver spoon of ten shillings value; and the second five shillings. And as they have anciently had the title of The Merry Wives of Windsor, six old women belonging to Windsor town challenge any six old women in the universe, (we need not, however, go farther than our own country) to out-scold them. The best in three heats to have a suit of head-cloths, and, (what old women generally want!) a pair of nut-crackers.”—Read's Journal, September 9, 1721. ”

“ Pray heauen it be not so, that you haue such a man heere: but 'tis most certaine your husband's comming, with halfe Windsor at his heeles, to serch for such a one, I come before to tell you: If you know your selfe cleere, why I am glad of it: but if you haue a friend here, conuey, conuey him out. Be not amaz'd, call all your senses to you, defend your reputation, or bid farwell to your good life for euer
M.Ford. What shall I do? There is a Gentleman my deere friend: and I feare not mine owne shame so much, as his perill. ”

“ The Merry Wives of Windsor, from The Plays of William Shakespeare, in eight volumes, vol. II, with notes by Samuel Johnson (1765) IA The Merry Wives of Windsor, edited by H. C. Hart, The Works of Shakespeare, The Arden Shakespeare, 1st ser. (1904) IA The Merry Wives of Windsor, in The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, Vol. ”

“ Mistress Epicene, the silent gentlewoman, turns out not to be a woman at all; which is not a very pleasant denouement of the plot, and is itself an incident apparently taken from the blundering blindman’s-buff conclusion of the Merry Wives of Windsor. What Shakspeare might introduce by an accident, and as a mere passing jest, Ben Jonson would set about building a whole play upon. The directions for making love given 44by Truewit, the author’s favourite, discover great knowledge and shrewdness of observation, mixed with the acuteness of malice, and approach to the best style of comic dialogue. ”

“ I find the Merry Wives of Windsor played on a Sunday night at Whitehall; and Tom Derry was probably present in October, 1611, when “The Sunday following, att Grinwidg,” before the Queen and the Prince was played ‘The Silver Aiedg,’ and the next night following, ‘Lucrecia.’ With jester, sports, and plays on Sunday as well as other nights, the Queen was not much the happier; and this may be accounted for,—she was the most amiable person possible when she was not put out; she never uttered an angry word except upon some provocation, yet often with little ”

“ We'll all present ourselves; dis-horn the spirit,
And mock him home to Windsor.
FORD. The children must
Be practis'd well to this or they'll nev'r do 't.
EVANS. I will teach the children their behaviours; and I will
be like a jack-an-apes also, to burn the knight with my
taber.
FORD. That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards.
MRS. PAGE. My Nan shall be the Queen of all the Fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
PAGE. That silk will I go buy. [Aside] And in that time
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away,
And marry her at Eton.-Go, send to Falstaff straight. ”

“ Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be prais'd for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be reveng'd on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! Exit
SCENE 3. A field near Windsor
Enter CAIUS and RUGBY
CAIUS. Jack Rugby!
RUGBY. Sir?
CAIUS. Vat is de clock, Jack?
RUGBY. 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promis'd to
meet. ”

“ Inserted by Rowe.
165 THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR. ACT I. I. 1 Scene I. Windsor. Before Page’s house. Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.
Shal. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star-chamber matter of it: if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
Slen. In the county of Gloucester, justice of peace 5 and ‘Coram.’
Shal. Ay, cousin Slender, and ‘Custalorum.’
Slen. Ay, and ‘Rato-lorum’ too; and a gentleman born, master parson; who writes himself ‘Armigero,’ in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation, ‘Armigero.’
10 Shal. ”

“ We must giue folkes leaue to prate: what the goodier
Caius. Rugby, come to the Court with me: by gar, if I haue not Anne Page, I shall turne your head out of my dore: follow my heeles, Rugby
Qui. You shall haue An-fooles head of your owne: No, I know Ans mind for that: neuer a woman in Windsor knowes more of Ans minde then I doe, nor can doe more then I doe with her, I thanke heauen
Fenton. Who's with in there, hoa?
Qui. Who's there, I troa? Come neere the house I
pray you
Fen. ”

“ If there be any pody in the house, & in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses: heauen forgiue my sins at the day of iudgement
Caius. Be gar, nor I too: there is no-bodies
Page. Fy, fy, M [aster] . Ford, are you not asham'd? What spirit, what diuell suggests this imagination? I wold not ha your distemper in this kind, for y welth of Windsor castle
Ford. 'Tis my fault (M [aster] . Page) I suffer for it
Euans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a o'mans, as I will desires among fiue thousand, and fiue hundred too
Cai. ”

“ FALSTAFF.
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD.
He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF.
I’ll go out then.
MISTRESS PAGE.
If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John—unless you go out disguised.
MISTRESS FORD.
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE.
Alas the day, I know not. There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape. ”

“ Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
FALSTAFF. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand
to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.
PAGE. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd.
FALSTAFF. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd.
MRS. PAGE. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,
Heaven give you many, many merry days!
Good husband, let us every one go home,
And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;
Sir John and all.
FORD. Let it be so. Sir John,
To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word ”

“ I pray you pardon me, he’s a Justice of Peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
EVANS.
But that is not the question. The question is concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW.
Ay, there’s the point, sir.
EVANS.
Marry, is it; the very point of it—to Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER.
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
EVANS.
But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth, or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid? ”

“ HOST. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am
undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone.
Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF. I would all the world might be cozen'd, for I have
been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the ear
of the court how I have been transformed, and how my
transformation hath been wash'd and cudgell'd, they
would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor
fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me
with their fine wits till I were as crestfall'n as a dried
pear.
I never prosper'd since I forswore myself at primero. ”

“ Windsor Park
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, with OTHERS as fairies
EVANS. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts. Be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib, trib. Exeunt
SCENE 5. Another part of the Park
Enter FALSTAFF disguised as HERNE
FALSTAFF. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute
draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me!
Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on
thy
horns. O powerful love! that in some respects makes a
beast a man; in some other a man a beast. ”

“ Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap,
Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry.
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.
FALSTAFF.
They are fairies, he that speaks to them shall die.
I’ll wink and couch. No man their works must eye. ”

“ Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out;
Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,
That it may stand till the perpetual doom
In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,
Worthy the owner and the owner it.
The several chairs of order look you scour
With juice of balm and every precious flower;
Each fair instalment, coat, and sev'ral crest,
With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!
And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,
Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring;
Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be,
More fertile-fresh than all the field to see ”

“ FORD.
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF.
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night. You shall know how I speed.
FORD.
I am blessed in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF.
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. ”

“ MISTRESS FORD.
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
FALSTAFF.
Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch. I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome! ”

“ Wittol!—Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he will trust his wife; he will not 270 be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitæ bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises ”

“ In 1702 Dennis produced an adaptation of The Merry Wives under the title of The Comical Gallant, or the Amours of Sir John Falstaff. Falstaff's beating at the end of the play is shifted to Ford, to punish him for his jealousy, and Sir John is spared the humiliation of appearing in women's clothes, but he has a far more degrading part to play when he is bullied by Mrs. ”

“ On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is: and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.
Mrs Ford. Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.
70 Mrs Page. Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight: put on the gown the while. Exit Falstaff.
Mrs Ford. I would my husband would meet him in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swears she’s a witch; forbade her my house, and hath IV. 2.
75 threatened to beat her.
Mrs Page. Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! ”

“ EVANS. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires,
and fairies will not pinse you.
FORD. Well said, fairy Hugh.
EVANS. And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.
FORD. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able
to woo her in good English.
FALSTAFF. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that
it wants matter to prevent so gross, o'er-reaching as this?
Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-comb
of frieze? 'Tis time I were chok'd with a piece of
toasted cheese.
EVANS. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all
putter. ”