George Niblo

“ I stopped school some time ago," she replied, smiling.
"I should think that a girl of your age would want to get as much education as possible before taking the responsibility attending household duties," I said.
"Yes, maybe."
"But why don't you go to school, then?"
"Well," she stammered, "because my husband thinks I had better stay at home."
About that time something occurring outside the window attracted my attention.
I don't believe I've ever felt so cheap since I was a boy and used to join the other fellows in a genuine old country serenade when a wedding took place. ”

“ I liked his nerve.
At the same time I expressed my surprise over the steep demand he made for such a trifling service.
"Huh," he said with a grin, "guess you can't expect a fellow to be a bank director for nothing."
He got that quarter for his smartness.
If only one keeps his ears open on the streets he is very apt to hear many queer things, and sometimes fragments of humor go floating on the breeze. ”

“ Here he made a grab at the very prominent and highly Roman nasal organ of a very short super, and tweaked it as through he would throw it, too, to the floor and stamp on it.
The super's eyes filled with tears, he uttered a cry of pain, indignantly grabbed and pulled away the manager's wrenchlike fingers, and then backing away, bowed and explained very humbly:
"Hi begs your pardon, sir, but that's me hown."
But, after all, it takes a young woman of the present day, to rub it in with a free hand. ”

“ And I am told on good authority that Teddy, determined to do the thing up as it should be, presented himself before the priest on the same evening, related how he had given the fowl to a poor widow in need, and received absolution as meekly as though he might be but an erring saint instead of a scheming sinner.
His pranks always amuse me.
Though on more than one occasion I've found the laugh didn't seem to come quite so spontaneously, when the joke was on me. ”

“ If any one tells you we are losing our fine sense of humor, don't you believe it.
To my mind as the years go on, human nature is taking more and more interest in whatever pertains to the funny side of life. ”

“ I remember she once had a squabble with another neighbor, Miss Antique, and as they had once been good friends, my wife, in her warm-hearted way, tried to soothe the ruffled plumage of Miss Snappe, and pour oil on troubled waters.
"Come now," said the dear little peacemaker, "why don't you and Miss Antique become friends again?"
"Oh, I don't see the sense of going to all that trouble for her!"
"But it isn't any more trouble for you to make up, than it is for her."
[Pg 59]
"Don't you believe it. She's used to making up, for she's been doing it for years." ”

“ Harold was studying geography.
I saw something puzzled him.
"What's the knotty problem?" I asked him.
"They call the Mississippi the 'Father of waters,'" he said, "and I think it ought to be the 'Mother of waters.'"
"Correct, my son," I said, admiringly.
"Is Missouri the daughter of Mississippi then?" he asked.
I'm afraid I have much to answer for.
And think of it, that boy only nine years old.
What will become of us when he breaks loose at man's estate?
Just this morning he astonished me by declaring the dictionary was only an old joke book after all. ”

“ I asked.
"Oh, nothing at all out of the way—he's such an easy-going chap, you know."
"Well," I said, "I don't understand. Zacchy's all right, and I quite fancy him. Now, why should I scold him in the morning?"
"You see, he has to beat the carpets to-morrow, and strikes ever so much harder when he's in a bad temper." ”

“ I remarked, pleasantly, after my usual way, "you seem to be out of humor this morning."
"That's all right," he snarled; "you can't sell me any."
What a husband that bear must be; not domestic, [Pg 10] after my own fashion, for I dearly love to do errands for my wife.
Of course I sometimes make blunders in shopping, but then experience teaches one, and in time I hope to be able to hold my own with the tricky tradesmen who look upon me as a soft mark.
When the mistake is really atrocious I get a good calling down, and sometimes have to resort to strategy in order to save the day. ”

“ I'm done with you," said the smart lawyer.
Which reminds me of an occasion when an Irish judge was on the bench, and took occasion, in my hearing, to address the jury.
"Gentlemen," he said, seriously, "you have heard the evidence. The indictment says the prisoner was arrested for stealing a pig.
"The offense seems to be becoming a common one. The time has come when it must be put a stop to; otherwise, gentlemen, none of you will be safe." ”

“ For instance, when little Jack was studying his book one evening he called his father's attention to a fact which he was sturdily prepared to dispute.
"Say, pa, this book says nature never wastes anything."
"I guess that's right, my son," replied the father, thoughtlessly.
"Then what's the use of a cow having two horns when she can't even play on one," asked Jack, triumphantly.
Hobbyhead's genius failed him in the emergency.
When Hobbyhead was taking a holiday down at Long Branch, with his family, the price he had to pay rather congealed his blood. ”

“ I used to hustle right lively looking for news, and during the course of my journeyings I ran across a grizzled old farmer from the back settlements, who looked like he might be a good judge of double distilled mountain dew that had paid no revenue to Uncle Sam. ”

“ Come to think of it, skeeters are about the slickest nuisances we've got.
Have you ever thought what sly coons they are, and how they maneuvre to get their suction pump at work, just as if they had learned army tactics?
Say, ever been down in Jacksonville when the mercury's so high you can't breathe and the skeeters are humming their monotonous anthem? ”

“ Finally he turned to the artist.
"I say, Craigie, these things which you exhibit on your walls, seeking a purchaser in vain, I suppose may be called failures?"
[Pg 8]
"Well," remarked the artist, "perhaps you hit the nail on the head in a commercial sense, doctor. You see, men in your profession have the advantage over us poor devils of painters, for while we are compelled to exhibit our failures on the wall, yours are safely planted underground out of sight."
When I met Craigie, after he had spent a summer abroad, he delighted me with his sketches of the many interesting things he had seen. ”

“ I often squander an hour or two down in Hester Street, where I have some rare acquaintances among the second-hand dealers.
Of course you understand that I only go there to study human nature, and I remember some months ago being delightfully entertained at a Jewish wedding, where my esteemed friend Moses Schaumburg gave his cherished Rebecca into the keeping of young Silverstein, a progressive Broadway salesman. ”

“ Sliding up to the box office I heard him demand one of the best seats and laid down a five-dollar bill. A coupon and three dollars was handed to him. When he asked what the ticket cost and was told that it was two dollars, it was evident that he expected to pay half a dollar at most.
"Two dollars to see the forty thieves, eh?" he repeated.
"Yes, sir," said the box-office man.
"Well, keep your durned seat," exclaimed the man from Jersey. "I don't think I care to see the other thirty-nine."
Then there's the elevator boy in our apartment house, who was born and brought up in the city. ”

“ The matter was of course satisfactorily adjusted, after Bob had enjoyed his little joke, and we went on our way to the hospital.
Now, a hospital isn't the most cheerful place in the world, and yet now and then there is some gleam of humor breaks out there.
Human nature is a queer combination, and I've known men who would joke even under the surgeon's knife. ”

“ Feeling in high spirits when I entered my favorite restaurant yesterday, I asked the proprietor at the desk:
"Do you serve lobsters here?"
"Why, of course we do—have a seat. Now, what'll you have," was the reply.
That man knew me for sure.
The girl who waited on me began to rattle off a list of dishes which were on the menu. ”

“ It is certainly a lovely heaven on earth and I said as much. Craigie grinned at me.
"All the same," said he, "it has appeared to be a regular hades for many a poor devil."
"That's so—when a fellow has lost all his money," I admitted. ”

“ Singular what queer things do happen on the electric cars of a great metropolis. The other day I was riding down to the City Hall in a pretty crowded car when something happened.
All the other passengers in the car were men except one; and she was a girl, a nice, pretty, young thing of that peculiar pinkish clarity of complexion more commonly designated "peaches and cream."
The conductor had just collected her fare and was proceeding on his way to the rear platform when the girl grabbed at the left arm of her jacket and emitted a gaspy little scream. ”

“ Adolphus has a streak of humor in him.
He is particularly sensitive to the comic-paper jokes connected with a darky's love for chickens and watermelons.
As the years roll on those chestnuts never seem to die.
The barber grew so touchy that he hated the sight of fowls, and even refused to eat eggs. ”

“ I've got a great friend, Henry Badger by name, that I must tell you about.
I hardly know whether to admire the monumental nerve of Henry Badger, or class him as a near relative of the jackass tribe.
You may not know it, but his neighbors have long been aware of the fact that his good spouse ruled the roost with an iron rod, and Henry's former buoyant spirit has all but withered in his breast.
Why, he used to strut the streets with all the pompous airs of an alderman, while now he shuffles along as though he owed ten tailors on the block.
It is awful, the change made in that man. ”

“ In the Catskill village, where we delight to spend a portion of the heated term and all our hard-earned capital, there is a boarding-house run by an eccentric genius, who knows how to set a good table and never has an empty room through the season, though [Pg 41] over the gate leading up to his hotel he has painted a sign that might well cause consternation in the breast of many a would-be sojourner, for it reads:
"Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck." ”

“ At the same time it's never good policy to confess ignorance when asked a point-blank question by Young America.
"Oh," I said casually, "why, he's a—yes, a watch dog, Harold."
The boy pondered a minute, while the beast kept revolving.
"Well," he observed, "from the long time it takes him to wind himself up, I guess he must be a Waterbury watch dog."
While on the way to the Grand Central Depot I had to take the seat at the rear end of an open car.
Of course as you all know the last three or four seats are generally reserved for men who must smoke or die. ”

“ Long experience has made the doctor quite an artist in that line.
Speaking of artists, there's Craigie, who has a studio on Fifth Avenue. Craigie is a friend of mine.
He paints atrocious pictures, but somehow seems to make a living out of the business.
Sometimes I go to see him, when business is bad, and I'm [Pg 7] wondering where the money's coming from to pay the month's bill.
Between you and myself, the sight of all those daubs on the walls of his studio, which he considers masterpieces, always makes me feel better.
Misery likes company, and they certainly do look tough. ”

“ I noticed a small chap on a bicycle riding zigzag in front of the machine, evidently anxious to keep up with it and get to the fire in time to watch it begin work.
Half a dozen times the driver had to pull up suddenly to avoid running over the nervy little Hebrew, and this of course made the firemen riding with the machine furious.
Just in front of where I was standing one of the gallant life savers jumped down from the engine, caught hold of the boy and pulled him off to one side, at the same time saying:
"You miserable little Sheeney, you ought to be arrested for getting in the way! ”

“ This gentleman complained that the rats gave them considerable trouble, and that he would pay considerable to be rid of the gnawing rodents.
"I can tell you an infallible cure, sir," said Hobbyhead.
"I should be deeply obliged to you," returned the landlord.
"Well, then, once a week make out your bill and charge the rats as you've charged me, and I'll be hanged if the rats ever come to your house again," said Hobbyhead.
Would you believe it, that landlord was hurt.
Some people never can take a joke. ”