George Niblo

“ I used to hustle right lively looking for news, and during the course of my journeyings I ran across a grizzled old farmer from the back settlements, who looked like he might be a good judge of double distilled mountain dew that had paid no revenue to Uncle Sam. ”

“ The matter was of course satisfactorily adjusted, after Bob had enjoyed his little joke, and we went on our way to the hospital.
Now, a hospital isn't the most cheerful place in the world, and yet now and then there is some gleam of humor breaks out there.
Human nature is a queer combination, and I've known men who would joke even under the surgeon's knife. ”

“ The privilege of replacing a burned house is reserved by insurance [Pg 44] companies and the agent, having this in mind, said to the farmer:
"We'll put you up a better house than the one you had for six hundred dollars."
"Nein!" said Platzenburger, emphatically. "I vill have my one tousand dollar or notings! Dot house could not be built again for even a tousand."
"Oh, yes, it could," said the insurance man. "It was an old house. It doesn't cost so much to build houses nowadays. A six-hundred-dollar new house would be a lot bigger and better than the old one." ”

“ Of course Stubb went in for reading all such books as Sherlock Holmes.
[Pg 88]
"After all," he said to me one day as we rode in a Broadway car, "it is really a very simple thing; requires nothing but close observation.
"For instance, it is easy to tell a man's occupation.
"His facial expression, his actions, even his dress, are stamped by his daily work.
"You see that man sitting opposite us? Well, I am just as sure as though he had told me that he is a barber."
"You are mistaken," I replied, quickly. "That man is a butcher." ”

“ Singular what queer things do happen on the electric cars of a great metropolis. The other day I was riding down to the City Hall in a pretty crowded car when something happened.
All the other passengers in the car were men except one; and she was a girl, a nice, pretty, young thing of that peculiar pinkish clarity of complexion more commonly designated "peaches and cream."
The conductor had just collected her fare and was proceeding on his way to the rear platform when the girl grabbed at the left arm of her jacket and emitted a gaspy little scream. ”

“ Some people do that when they're thinking hard, but not so with me. Oh, no, the simple fact is I got shaved by a new barber and I guess I'll grow a beard in future. Some people say there's lots of comedy in a barber shop. They mean tragedy. Again some people think there's poetry in the prattlings of the knight of the brush. I know one man who thinks different. ”

“ In the Catskill village, where we delight to spend a portion of the heated term and all our hard-earned capital, there is a boarding-house run by an eccentric genius, who knows how to set a good table and never has an empty room through the season, though [Pg 41] over the gate leading up to his hotel he has painted a sign that might well cause consternation in the breast of many a would-be sojourner, for it reads:
"Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck." ”

“ I've seen some ill-looking men in my day, but this specimen was surely the very worst that had ever crossed the scope of my vision, and beat that old Alabama farmer out of sight.
I said as much to my friend, whereupon Tom offered to wager a five-dollar bill that he had seen a worse one in the steerage.
I at once accepted, and Tom started for his man for comparison.
He found the fellow a bit of a wag, as an intolerably homely man is apt to be, and, after the promise of a nip, nothing loath to exhibit himself. ”

“ If you have ever taken the trouble to notice, there are funny things sometimes happening on these dusty highways of the hobos, and more than a few times the shrewd city man finds himself the sport of Rube's wit. ”

“ Beats all how the rage for collecting will take hold of a man. Sometimes it's old books or playbills, and sometimes it's postage stamps. In McGregor's case it appears to be wives."
When I looked in on Bob Lightwate the other day, at his office, expecting him to accompany me to the hospital, where a mutual friend had been taken, I found him clipping an item from a newspaper, which he was very careful to place in his note book.
"It tells how a house was robbed, and I want to show it to my wife," he explained. ”

“ The barber, delighted of course, always declares [Pg 77] that he has never before received a tip before commencing operations.
Whereupon Rickets will frown and cut him short with:
"That is not a tip—it's hush money."
And in every case the barber tumbles to the racket, and puts a lock on his lips.
Rickets was telling me the other day about a wonderful bookkeeper his father used to have in his office.
"An all-around athlete," he declared, with a grin.
"Indeed," I replied, knowing he had a card up his sleeve, for Rickets is quite prone to have his little joke. ”

“ If a yacht should happen to get a puncture in her rudder during the race she would be compelled to drop out, owing to the difficulty of cementing or plugging it while sailing.
And in a race a yacht is liable to be on a tack at any moment.
[Pg 33]
A week ago I took a spin on my wheel, along country roads where the festive bull loiters in the shade of the tree, waiting for a victim. ”

“ Bob said things had come to a pretty pass when a man's time-piece might be stolen with impunity because of the necessity for securing the time-pace of a machine.
Our walk took us along the Bowery, and as I was passing, a man seemed to be busily engaged in shoving some bank-bills, together with a straw-colored ticket into his pocket. I was surprised to hear him give way to sentiment and exclaim:
"Alone at last!" ”

“ Here he made a grab at the very prominent and highly Roman nasal organ of a very short super, and tweaked it as through he would throw it, too, to the floor and stamp on it.
The super's eyes filled with tears, he uttered a cry of pain, indignantly grabbed and pulled away the manager's wrenchlike fingers, and then backing away, bowed and explained very humbly:
"Hi begs your pardon, sir, but that's me hown."
But, after all, it takes a young woman of the present day, to rub it in with a free hand. ”

“ I always take considerable interest in the yacht races for the America's Cup, and when my friend Donovan informed me recently that the next boat would have a wonderful rudder filled with air, to add to the buoyancy and save weight, I began to consider whether the advantages might not be offset by the new dangers accompanying a pneumatic rudder. ”

“ I tried to give him the old gag about a woman's heart being a gold mine.
"That's right," he said; "you've got to prospect it before you find out what it's worth; and I know a whole lot of fellows who've gone broke prospecting."
That landlord of ours up in the glorious Catskills was a hard subject to catch napping, and many a time I've watched him crawl out of a hole with hardly an effort.
Probably it requires considerable nerve to run a summer resort hotel, and meet all the requirements which the traveling public seem to expect. ”

“ Some people have such remarkable ideas connected with the bringing up of children. There's Rossiter's young wife for example.
I was invited to an evening dinner party recently where she was the guest of honor.
This charming young matron is the proud mother of two fine boys, both under four years of age.
In their education she endeavors to follow a system, like many other young mothers, and [Pg 28] she is very careful to live up to any rules she may have formulated for them. ”

“ I remember she once had a squabble with another neighbor, Miss Antique, and as they had once been good friends, my wife, in her warm-hearted way, tried to soothe the ruffled plumage of Miss Snappe, and pour oil on troubled waters.
"Come now," said the dear little peacemaker, "why don't you and Miss Antique become friends again?"
"Oh, I don't see the sense of going to all that trouble for her!"
"But it isn't any more trouble for you to make up, than it is for her."
[Pg 59]
"Don't you believe it. She's used to making up, for she's been doing it for years." ”

“ Some of old man Rambo's relatives came along last night, burned down Zeke's house, shot him an' his wife, an' set [Pg 11] fire to his barn. Nope, Zeke hasn't been arrested. But I ain't got time to talk to you. Have to git back to my harvestin'. But there ain't no news down our way. If anythin' happens I'll let ye know."
One of my best friends down there was an old judge who knew more about whiskey than he did about law. One day a young lawyer came to town and hung up his shingle. ”

“ While those who leap to conclusions quick
Bet on the Kangaroo.
The Ostrich plumed himself on his speed;
All tried the record to wreck;
The Hippopotamus blew his own horn,
But the Giraffe, he won by a neck.
I was in court the other day.
There is no use of any vulgar curiosity concerning the reason of my being present; but I will say right here that I won my case, and when a fellow does that he's all right. Yes, sir; I had the dough with me.
While I was waiting my turn a disreputable-looking chap was brought before the judge, I believe charged with vagrancy or something of the sort. ”

“ Sure, 'tis starvation that's starin' me in the face."
"Begorra!" exclaimed his neighbor, sympathetically, "it can't be very pleasant for either of yez!"
Say, have you ever tried the Christian Science cure? It's simply great.
And the cost is so little, too.
Apparently there are some people though who can't see things in the right way.
They simply lack faith.
I remember when out in the country, I dropped in to see friend Wilkins, the editor of the local sheet.
He was endeavoring to give some medicine to his little chap, who writhed and twisted in contortions. ”

“ There was a crusty old bachelor at the house who [Pg 42] got disgusted with the spoony couples and came up to my room to talk it over with me.
"What is love, anyway?" he demanded.
"Intoxication," I answered, unguardedly.
"Right," he quickly said, "then possibly marriage must be delirium tremens." ”

“ I remarked.
[Pg 16]
"Only once't that I remember," said the conductor, with a grin.
"When and how?"
"There was thirteen babies in this here car yellin' in thirteen different keys all at the same time," replied the conductor.
Some people are so superstitious, you know, always carrying home old horseshoes and nailing them up over the door—why, a pagan nation like the Japanese have the same custom with other embellishments. ”

“ The editor looked grimly at the wretch, and then remarked, mournfully:
"I wish you had broken the news more gently."
Now, we've got our quick-change artists on the stage, but to tell you the honest truth, I believe they can't hold a candle to some in private life.
There's Mrs. Stubb, for instance. You know her husband likes an occasional quiet game with the boys—the trouble is he is too confiding.
That sort of people always run up against a buzz saw for their pains. ”

“ If it wasn't for politics a good many fellows that are too lazy to earn a living with their hands would be paupers. But some of 'em are all right. There's Isaacstein for instance. As good a man as ever sauntered down Hester Street. He joined the noble [Pg 4] army of grafters two years ago and worked so hard at his profession that he got appendicitis.
A friend of Isaacstein's met another acquaintance of his in Hester Street and asked:
"Haf you heard aboudt Isaacstein?"
"No. Vat iss it?"
"He vas sick. They take him by der hospital, and vat you tink they do to him?" ”

“ Such prosperity brings with it an obligation in a very real sense, for it means that in what has actually been accomplished in the past, there is implied a promise to the public and to the literary world, of a continued development toward what is best and most wholesome in fiction, poetry and essays. ”

“ Ven a man comes to my house, picks out himself a piece of goots, [Pg 7] and dot goots vas received by him in goot order, I vould be a fool to dake pack dot goods. No, sir, you schoost keep dot Repecca."
My brother Tom was hit on the head some time ago, and at the hospital they said they would have to amputate half his brain. ”

“ I dined at the Waldorf the other night, and somehow in the long list of courses found my mind wrestling with an item that had caught my eye in one of the yellow sheets, where a certain well-known doctor declared that the simple cooking of savage tribes was far superior to that of the present civilized races. ”

“ As they appeared on deck, my friend, with an air of conscious triumph, turned to direct my attention to his companion, who was making sure of his success by concocting faces.
"St-st-st-stop!" ordered Tom. "No-no-none of [Pg 68] that! You st-st-stay just as you were made. You ca-ca-ca-ca-can't be beat!"
And he wasn't.
It takes an Irishman to be a Job's comforter.
Patrick Brannagan, whose face was so plain that his friends used to tell him it was an offense to the landscape, happened to be as poor as he was homely.
One day a neighbor met him, and asked:
"How are you, Pat?" ”

“ At our first stop in a bustling town up in York State I was in the box office, when I was addressed by a young man who in hollow tones declared he had heard that to see so great an actor as myself was good for any form of ailment.
"You might help me," the young man declared with labored breathing; "anyway, I'd like to enjoy myself once more before I die. I have consumption, [Pg 38] you know. Could you let me have a pass?"
I couldn't help but feel sorry for such a woebegone-looking, hard-luck chap, so I at once wrote him out a pass. ”

“ By some strange freak of fortune, I butted up against a real live versifier who had actually had his lines printed.
"Keep at it, my young friend," he said to me. "That's the only way to win. The railroad magnates are the first persons to recognize real genius. Why, before I was seventy years old, I was travelling on a pass!"
I steered away, for I reckoned if I'd have to wait till I was three-score-and-ten before passes came my way I wouldn't need 'em then.
I walked to a neighboring village and bribed the editor of the local paper to print a five-line poem which I had written. ”

“ I noticed a small chap on a bicycle riding zigzag in front of the machine, evidently anxious to keep up with it and get to the fire in time to watch it begin work.
Half a dozen times the driver had to pull up suddenly to avoid running over the nervy little Hebrew, and this of course made the firemen riding with the machine furious.
Just in front of where I was standing one of the gallant life savers jumped down from the engine, caught hold of the boy and pulled him off to one side, at the same time saying:
"You miserable little Sheeney, you ought to be arrested for getting in the way! ”