George Niblo

“ Come to think of it, skeeters are about the slickest nuisances we've got.
Have you ever thought what sly coons they are, and how they maneuvre to get their suction pump at work, just as if they had learned army tactics?
Say, ever been down in Jacksonville when the mercury's so high you can't breathe and the skeeters are humming their monotonous anthem? ”

“ I stopped school some time ago," she replied, smiling.
"I should think that a girl of your age would want to get as much education as possible before taking the responsibility attending household duties," I said.
"Yes, maybe."
"But why don't you go to school, then?"
"Well," she stammered, "because my husband thinks I had better stay at home."
About that time something occurring outside the window attracted my attention.
I don't believe I've ever felt so cheap since I was a boy and used to join the other fellows in a genuine old country serenade when a wedding took place. ”

“ For instance, when little Jack was studying his book one evening he called his father's attention to a fact which he was sturdily prepared to dispute.
"Say, pa, this book says nature never wastes anything."
"I guess that's right, my son," replied the father, thoughtlessly.
"Then what's the use of a cow having two horns when she can't even play on one," asked Jack, triumphantly.
Hobbyhead's genius failed him in the emergency.
When Hobbyhead was taking a holiday down at Long Branch, with his family, the price he had to pay rather congealed his blood. ”

“ Feeling in high spirits when I entered my favorite restaurant yesterday, I asked the proprietor at the desk:
"Do you serve lobsters here?"
"Why, of course we do—have a seat. Now, what'll you have," was the reply.
That man knew me for sure.
The girl who waited on me began to rattle off a list of dishes which were on the menu. ”

“ This gentleman complained that the rats gave them considerable trouble, and that he would pay considerable to be rid of the gnawing rodents.
"I can tell you an infallible cure, sir," said Hobbyhead.
"I should be deeply obliged to you," returned the landlord.
"Well, then, once a week make out your bill and charge the rats as you've charged me, and I'll be hanged if the rats ever come to your house again," said Hobbyhead.
Would you believe it, that landlord was hurt.
Some people never can take a joke. ”

“ Adolphus has a streak of humor in him.
He is particularly sensitive to the comic-paper jokes connected with a darky's love for chickens and watermelons.
As the years roll on those chestnuts never seem to die.
The barber grew so touchy that he hated the sight of fowls, and even refused to eat eggs. ”

“ Wilkins, among his other possessions, owned an uncommonly homely dog which was a source of considerable interest to my youngest.
You see we were never the proud owners of even a brindle cur, and of course Harold made friends with Rover from the very start.
Whenever the beast wanted to play he would whirl around in a circle, chasing his own tail in a comical manner that never failed to make us laugh. ”

“ At the same time it's never good policy to confess ignorance when asked a point-blank question by Young America.
"Oh," I said casually, "why, he's a—yes, a watch dog, Harold."
The boy pondered a minute, while the beast kept revolving.
"Well," he observed, "from the long time it takes him to wind himself up, I guess he must be a Waterbury watch dog."
While on the way to the Grand Central Depot I had to take the seat at the rear end of an open car.
Of course as you all know the last three or four seats are generally reserved for men who must smoke or die. ”

“ You can just believe a Coney Island audience doesn't fancy being held up or swindled. But they put up with a good deal of it just the same.
Nor do they have any patience with delays.
Things must hustle right along down there to be popular.
Once this same actor tried to give a scene from Othello, where the filmy handkerchief plays such a part as evidence of Desdemona's amours. ”

“ I always start in a Pullman, and generally come back—well, what's the use telling family secrets?
While I was doing the Ohio theatres I spent some little time with an old friend.
He is engaged in a country school, and for five days in the week wrestles with the task of teaching the young idea how to shoot. I went to see him at work, and of course the scholars were more backward than ordinary. Just as the baby will never be cunning when strangers are around. ”

“ I replied.
"Yes; spring-sprong always affects me, too—makes my head ring-rong."
"What in thunder is the matter with you, old man, the way you've got to talking?"
"Nothing-thong," said Reginald, making a swinging movement of his arm [Pg 72] through empty air, as his friend backed away in amazement and alarm.
"I hear that you have become a great devotee of the fashionable fad of table tennis."
"Yes," he said, wildly; "I like to have my fling-flong, and enjoy the banjo sing-song of the game of ping-pong at every racquet's swing-swong, while the celluloid sphere is on the wing-wong. ”

“ I traveled down to Coney Island the other day with a friend recently married.
They went to housekeeping, and I suspect the little woman has been bombarding him with all manner of fearful dishes which she insists upon trying.
That's so like my Clara—- oh, so like! Did I ever tell you about Clara? Well, I'll sing about her instead. Listen:
My Clara bought a gaudy book,
With colored pictures illustrated:
It teaches her, she says, to cook—-
In other things she's educated.
But, oh! she still her bread will burn,
Her steak is hard and she will fry it ”

“ To tell the truth, every humorist knocks out a dozen doctors.
We were chatting the other day about [Pg 21] things sacred and profane, when I chanced in the course of some remarks to mention that when Gabriel blew his horn on the final resurrection morn a good many persons would be surprised at the company they kept.
"Humph," grunted Hobbyhead, "don't you believe that our friend Gabriel will be the only trumpet sounder at the grand round-up."
"Why don't you think he won't?" I asked.
"Because every self-made man will insist on blowing his own horn." ”

“ While we were taking a walk through the country we met a farmer driving a fine bull in to market.
Both of us commented on the fact that it had a scrubby tail, and when Hobbyhead insisted on addressing the man I knew he had conceived a bright thought. ”

“ And I fancy those misguided people soon wished they had not resurrected him so soon.
When you manage to run across an original man it pays to cultivate his acquaintance.
Hobbyhead has been a gold mine to me. ”

“ That's queer," the man answered; "but then he hit me a crack in the eyes, and afterward knocked out one of my teeth, saying, 'And take that, too, you blooming Norwegian.'"
"But still I can't see anything funny," I protested.
"Ho! ho! ho!" the other yelled, "I made a fool of him, for you see, mister, the joke is that I'm a Swede."
They make it as easy as possible these days for those who want to become citizens. ”

“ I have seen cases, however, where the disgust was written in big letters on the lady's face, and she took the earliest occasion to change her seat.
Such an instance occurred that day.
I thought she was a woman with considerable temper, just from her looks, and when she spoke I was sure of it.
"Smoking on a car!" she exclaimed, as an Irishman with his short-stemmed pipe took his seat beside her.
"Oi am!" rejoined Pat, between long and determined puffs. "And av ye don't loike ut go wan up froont. These sates is resairved for smokhers."
"If you were my husband I'd give you poison," she snapped. ”

“ But I tell you Longears was a terror in his young days. I've seen him bullyrag a poor devil in the box until he caused him to say just what he wanted.
There are some men, however, who are the quintessence of meekness. ”

“ Smart chap, that lawyer! Sometimes he works so upon the feelings of the jury that he gets his man off.
And then again a case will arise that in spite of his eloquence goes against him.
He made a miss with Sikes, and I'm thinking that fellow will meet his end shortly.
This is in Jersey, where they still hang men, you know.
I went along to see the man, for somehow I'd never set eyes on a condemned criminal, and rather thought it might round out an experience.
Sikes was a hard-looking citizen. ”

“ I knew then that the dreadful ping-pong had gotten in its work, and that he was on his way to a sanitarium.
In Jacksonville I dropped into a restaurant with a friend, a Wall Street man off for a rest.
Presently the waiter came up.
"What'll you have to-day, sah?" asked the waiter. "We've got some nice lamb wid green peas."
"Yes," said the Wall Street operator, absent-mindedly, "let me have a little lamb with greenbacks."
[Pg 73]
You see its hard for those chaps to divorce themselves from their business. ”

“ At any rate they bleed a man just as thoroughly as in the palmy days of Blackbeard and his corsair crew.
Hobbyhead had intended spending two weeks at the shore, but when he scanned his bill he found he would have just about money enough left to pay fares home. ”

“ But Bijinks gets hold of some pretty good stories occasionally, and I expect he'll soon be working them off along with hoary chestnuts that have done duty for ages.
One I know bears the marks of newness, since the game of ping pong has only recently come into existence. ”

“ You see he had been to Fort Worth and even had his biled shirt done up at a Celestial laundry.
"Here, mother," says he, bringing down his horny fist on the table till the dishes danced. "You jest write and tell Amarillis Jane that if she's goin' to fall in love with any of them blamed Fort Worth Chinamen, she can just count on bein' cut off without a cent."
Bijinks puts up a bluff about having fought in the Spanish-American war. He was enrolled but he never fought. Fact is, he got discharged for a breach of etiquette. Yes, you see he turned his back to the enemy. ”

“ Judkins had just been asserting that women are as honest as men.
[Pg 65]
"Not in all things, my boy. A man will always put up a sign 'Look out for paint,' but did you ever know a woman to do it? Not on your sweet life." ”

“ My wife met me in the dining-room, and her face told me she was not happy.
[Pg 76]
"Surely you haven't brought any one home with you?" she said.
"Why, yes, my dear. You remember, of course, I told you this morning I would."
"Of course, not. You told me you'd bring home a couple of lobsters for dinner."
"Well, that's them in the parlor."
I finally compromised matters by taking a party of four to a neighboring restaurant, and that lobster episode cost me just ten dollars. ”

“ And no doubt some of you good people know from experience that when a city man migrates to the country the farmers delight to expose his ignorance of things generally. I had an experience of that sort last summer when I engaged board for my little outfit at Farmer Wilkins'. ”

“ Such sharp-edged tools are rare among journeymen carpenters, and I've suspected Hobbyhead meant to utilize the fellow in order to brighten his own wits.
Hobbyhead's smallest boy came home from the Barnum show the other evening. ”

“ The owner came from his reverie.
"What fer?"
"Well," assured my solemn friend, nodding his head toward the scrubby tuft of hair, and pursing his lips, "well, you see you cant have him re-tailed."
But occasionally Hobbyhead finds himself tripped up.
[Pg 22]
The pitcher may go to the well once too often.
I saw the deed done recently, and you ought to have been there to watch the humorist turn green with envy. ”

“ And I guess he was awful glad to get back to town again.
Well, Zacchy has a pretty good disposition, easy-going, you know, like most darkies.
My wife noticed that right away.
It takes the women to see through things. ”

“ He says he knew the old fellow that said it, but I rather think he prevaricates, and must have discovered the joke in some obscure country paper.
It was in Texas it happened.
An old farmer had a girl attending school at Fort Worth, and in course of a letter home to the old folks chanced to say "I'm just in love with ping pong." ”