George Niblo

“ Harold was studying geography.
I saw something puzzled him.
"What's the knotty problem?" I asked him.
"They call the Mississippi the 'Father of waters,'" he said, "and I think it ought to be the 'Mother of waters.'"
"Correct, my son," I said, admiringly.
"Is Missouri the daughter of Mississippi then?" he asked.
I'm afraid I have much to answer for.
And think of it, that boy only nine years old.
What will become of us when he breaks loose at man's estate?
Just this morning he astonished me by declaring the dictionary was only an old joke book after all. ”

“ And I am told on good authority that Teddy, determined to do the thing up as it should be, presented himself before the priest on the same evening, related how he had given the fowl to a poor widow in need, and received absolution as meekly as though he might be but an erring saint instead of a scheming sinner.
His pranks always amuse me.
Though on more than one occasion I've found the laugh didn't seem to come quite so spontaneously, when the joke was on me. ”

“ Finally he turned to the artist.
"I say, Craigie, these things which you exhibit on your walls, seeking a purchaser in vain, I suppose may be called failures?"
[Pg 8]
"Well," remarked the artist, "perhaps you hit the nail on the head in a commercial sense, doctor. You see, men in your profession have the advantage over us poor devils of painters, for while we are compelled to exhibit our failures on the wall, yours are safely planted underground out of sight."
When I met Craigie, after he had spent a summer abroad, he delighted me with his sketches of the many interesting things he had seen. ”

“ I've got a great friend, Henry Badger by name, that I must tell you about.
I hardly know whether to admire the monumental nerve of Henry Badger, or class him as a near relative of the jackass tribe.
You may not know it, but his neighbors have long been aware of the fact that his good spouse ruled the roost with an iron rod, and Henry's former buoyant spirit has all but withered in his breast.
Why, he used to strut the streets with all the pompous airs of an alderman, while now he shuffles along as though he owed ten tailors on the block.
It is awful, the change made in that man. ”

“ It is certainly a lovely heaven on earth and I said as much. Craigie grinned at me.
"All the same," said he, "it has appeared to be a regular hades for many a poor devil."
"That's so—when a fellow has lost all his money," I admitted. ”

“ Long experience has made the doctor quite an artist in that line.
Speaking of artists, there's Craigie, who has a studio on Fifth Avenue. Craigie is a friend of mine.
He paints atrocious pictures, but somehow seems to make a living out of the business.
Sometimes I go to see him, when business is bad, and I'm [Pg 7] wondering where the money's coming from to pay the month's bill.
Between you and myself, the sight of all those daubs on the walls of his studio, which he considers masterpieces, always makes me feel better.
Misery likes company, and they certainly do look tough. ”

“ The professor who conducted the exercises was a genius, and he came mighty near converting some of the ladies to his extraordinary way of thinking.
I think Harper's wife was anxious to be a convert.
At any rate I heard her eagerly saying to the gentleman with the long hair and the occult eye:
"I have always believed in dreams, professor." ”

“ While I was still smiling about the stuck-up devourer of broken glass, I ran slap into Godkin, who used to be a neighbor of ours.
Some months back he yielded to the alluring blandishments of the Jere Johnson tribe of suburban real estate men, and went over in Jersey to reside.
He certainly looked bad.
[Pg 36]
His face was pale and his eyes had a far-away expression.
"Old man," I said, anxiously, "what's ailing you? I never knew you to be sick before. Really, you ought to ask some doctor what's the matter." ”

“ But I don't believe they would have caught me so easily if cares of state had not occupied my mind—you see I was sitting on a new scientific joke, and waiting for it to hatch.
Talking of science, I've found that it pays a man to keep right up with the times.
By observing small things he is able to increase his reputation among those who read less.
Let me prove this to you.
When that eclipse of the sun came I was down among the mountains of North Carolina. ”

“ Well, now, I'm telling you there were some pretty badly scared darkies in that section when it began to get dark about eleven o'clock.
And the fowls perched high all right.
I never passed a cabin after that, but every inmate ran to the door and gaped after me in dumb admiration.
It was a great temptation to pose as a wizard, but I was wise enough to forbear.
Something sudden sometimes happens to wizards and other objectionable people down in that country.
Why, I remember one day seeing a poor woman sitting outside her door, and crying while she dipped snuff. ”

“ I've got my faults, but kicking isn't one of 'em, you bet.
You'll always find me at the same old stand, ready to take things as they come—but please be a little careful about the antiquity of the eggs, because, you see, I've got my best clothes on.
Now, if the orchestra will kindly wake up and give us a little music, I'll try and sing a song which I have called "No Kicker Need Apply."
Hold on, professor, you want to be sharp. I expected you'd be flat, so I guess you'd better compromise and only be natural.
Well, then, here goes:
Guess I've been about as lazy as the civil laws allow ”

“ Moriarty was once a pilot.
"Faith," says he to me, "time was when I piloted [Pg 93] all kinds of ships into harbor, but I've redooced it all down to a system, and the only sort I take over the bar now is schooners sor."
But I musn't forget to tell you about my friend, old Dr. Raggles.
I always refer to him as "that old war horse." You'd know why, if you cast your eye over that last bill he sent me. As a charger he'd be hard to beat.
The doctor took a day off recently and ran up to a country town to see a family horse that was for sale. ”

“ Mrs. Harper used strategy, where another little woman, less wise, might have tried expostulation and entreaty without effect, for most men dislike the tyranny of tears.
I'll tell you what she did.
Before going to bed she drew two easy chairs close together by the parlor fire.
Then she took one of Dick's cigars and held a match to it, until the room got a faint odor of smoke.
Harper casually asked the next morning who had dropped in and looked at her in a funny way when she said no one.
But he never went out another evening without Mrs. Harper. ”

“ Sliding up to the box office I heard him demand one of the best seats and laid down a five-dollar bill. A coupon and three dollars was handed to him. When he asked what the ticket cost and was told that it was two dollars, it was evident that he expected to pay half a dollar at most.
"Two dollars to see the forty thieves, eh?" he repeated.
"Yes, sir," said the box-office man.
"Well, keep your durned seat," exclaimed the man from Jersey. "I don't think I care to see the other thirty-nine."
Then there's the elevator boy in our apartment house, who was born and brought up in the city. ”

“ There we combine business with lunch. The legend over the portals of the restaurant reads:
"Business Luncheons."
I suppose they make that candid announcement because it's anything but a pleasure to make way with what they serve there.
[Pg 62]
The other day when I dined there the waiter came round and asked:
"What are you going to have?"
"I guess a beefsteak—but see here, waiter, not a small one. I'm that nervous to-day every little thing upsets me."
"Pardon me for asking, sir," said the waiter, between the courses, "but what's made your eye black and blue? ”

“ Then I remembered that down South it was all [Pg 79] the fashion for darkies to get the foot of a graveyard rabbit, and carry it around with them; they look on it as a sure thing to keep bad luck away.
I thought I might convince the old fellow of the absurdity of such mummery.
"See here, uncle, I'm afraid you're a bit superstitious," I remarked.
"'Deed I isn'," said he, shaking his white head. "Some folks is a skyaht of ghosses an' all kin's of critters; but as long as I have a rabbit's paw in mah pocket I feels puffickly safe." ”

“ Some people are very partial to the bang-tails.
There's Cribber, for example, has become quite infatuated over the races, and loses no opportunity of going when the season is on.
He stoutly maintains that it is just his Kentucky love for the magnificent thoroughbreds that lures him there. ”

“ I expected some fun, because the doctor has quite a caustic tongue, you know, and don't mind giving a fellow a rap.
Craigie understood why I winked at him, and I saw blood in his eye while he continued to paint.
The doctor walked around, grunting and making an occasional slurring remark that in another man might have been looked on as an insult. ”

“ Of course, man-like, I poured my woes into the ear of Podgers, hoping for sympathy.
"Do you have any trouble keeping a cook?" I asked.
He laughed in a cold-blooded way.
"Not in the least—not such good luck, my boy. [Pg 76] You see our cook has a lien on the place. She's my wife," he said.
Well, I wouldn't have said that, no matter what I thought.
But then Podgers always has been considerably henpecked at home, even if an arrogant chap downtown.
Sometimes he makes me think of the meek little fellow I saw recently in court. ”

“ Why, the sword swallower has got a pin down his gullet! Show me a doctor, quick!"
A little further along I saw an Irishman being run out of a clothing store by an irate Jew, who certainly looked as though he couldn't take a joke. ”

“ Now, Mr. Gallagher, we have reason to believe that at the present time there is a female living with you who is known in the neighborhood as Mrs. Gallagher. Kindly tell the jury if what I say is true? ”

“ And like many another man I've had to make myself a martyr each Christmas, for my better-half invariably insists on buying me a box of the weeds.
Her intentions are all right, but the cigars—well, they generally bring back vivid recollections of boyhood days, when corn-silk and grape leaves all went. ”

“ Jackman told me Thomas had recently got religion and was about the longest-winded petitioner at prayer he ever knew. But I had been South among the [Pg 22] darkies, and remembered one old fellow, at least, who could give him points and still win out.
This was old Uncle Mose, who looked solemn enough for a funeral when I asked him how things were going.
"I declar'," he said, "I got ter be mo' keerful in future—I sho' has!" ”

“ Then they were expected to look up the definition in the dictionary, and write out a complete sentence containing it.
Jerry, he was given the word "anonymous," without a name, and when the teacher read what he had written on his strip of paper, she thought it was worth the while to send it to Mr. Harper for denial.
This was Jerry's sentence:
"The new baby at our house is anonymous."
Still that was unintentional humor.
Nothing delights me more than to accompany a friend on some afternoon excursion to the country. ”

“ But what's the use crying—tears do no good," said Harper, thinking to make him more manly.
"All right," spluttered the boy as well as his cut lip would allow him, "but I guess if you'd gone and got whaled you'd blubber, too."
[Pg 50]
Harper was telling me about Jerry's experience at school. Jerry is the little chap who put his stockings wrong side out that afternoon.
I thought it was rather a joke on Harper, though he refuses to look at it that way. ”

“ I've often wondered whether it came from his being so well shaken up by the bull, or because he had successfully evaded the snares of that smart real estate agent.
"Did you notice it was a colored man who gave our friend Joblots his letters at the post office?" he asked.
I replied that I had been surprised to see that the residents of a town in Jersey had a negro postmaster.
[Pg 54]
"Oh! he's only an assistant. But you'd be surprised still more if you realized his real character." ”

“ And Babcock had to subdue his spleen, allow his wife to hie away to the hated department store and duplicate the whole Jenkins' order.
He is also a singular man, in that he will not allow himself the pleasure of a good cigar.
Some men would make good Mohammedans, for they always seem trying to deny themselves the good things of life—a sort of crawling to Mecca on their knees. ”

“ Steiner married the heiress himself.
Funny how one thing arouses a train of thought.
My wife brought home a curious Dutch stein after one of her shopping excursions, and I never looked at that affair without thinking of a certain graveyard out in Western New York. ”

“ The woman had been duly asked whether she would take the aforesaid man to be her husband, and as that was the identical reason why she was there, she hastened to say that she had no objections, and at the same time took a firmer hold on his arm, as though determined not to let him get away from her. ”

“ I thought I had enough common sense about me not to be caught by such a picayune piece of tom-foolery, but no doubt at the time my mind was wrestling with some of the weighty questions that daily beset a professional man. ”

“ He declares they are ruining the country.
That there is no longer a chance for a young man to set himself up in business, and so forth.
You've heard the changes rung up on that story.
Possibly there's more or less truth about it; but we've got to face a condition, not a theory.
Well, Babcock carries his hatred so far that he detests the very sight and name of the department stores. ”