George Robey

“ MY FRIENDS, Jimmie Baker and Billy, are not what you might can out-and-out bad, but they have a genius for arousing murderous instincts in the breasts of their fellow men. And they are not what you might call downright idiotic; but one can't be help hoping, for the good of the race, that their children will take after the mother's side of the family. ”

“ Amid answers of approval she assured me that she bore me no malice and that, though the loss of the Cupid was, of course, irreparable, she felt sure that I had acted from the best of motives. When all the keys had, with some difficulty, been retrieved, Mrs. Hobbs bade us a comparatively cheerful “good night,” and the crowd retired. Blinds that had been hurriedly pull up were pulled down once more; windows that had been thrown open were closed. Front doors were slammed, bolts shot, keys turned in their locks. The black cat retreated to its doorstep. ”

“ You can get me the job, of course?"
"I dare say," said Jimmie.
"Blackmail in another form!" remarked Billy. "Jimmie eats the parlor-maid's brother's filthy food for fear of what the parlor-maid may do and the parlor-maid's brother puts up with George as a waiter for fear of what Jimmie may do. It's a vicious circle."
"I beg your pardon," I said, with acerbity, "it will not be a question of 'putting up' with me. I am not undertaking this job lightly. I am not approaching my task, simple though it be, in a spirit of levity. I intend to work hard. I intend to give every satisfaction. ”

“ Hobbs pointed out, should have been sacred.
I bowed my head in shame.
Mrs. Hobbs said she would learn me to chase the poor dumb animal.
The crowd murmured approval.
Mrs. Hobbs remarked that some people were no better than Huns.
The crowd cried, “That's right!” and “Shame!”
Mrs. Hobbs said she hoped that some day some people would be trodden on as she had been trodden on.
The crowd hoped so too.
Mrs. Hobbs been to cry. She said this was the crowning sorrow of her life. Nothing would ever make up to her for the chipped Cupid, and the glass case alone had cost a small fortune. ”

“ I hoped the old gentleman would be made to see the point. Doubtless he would then forgive me. Personally, I saw nothing to laugh at in this unlucky accident, and I did not see how the poor old gentleman could be expected to laugh. I was amazed to discover that he did. He joined in the laughter quite heartily, and as he retired to put on a dry shirt of Signor Bellini's, he stopped in front of me for a moment to remark, in a most friendly fashion:
"I've enjoyed that soup, waiter. I'll have another plateful!" ”

“ I pleaded. “Think before you do anything you may regret. Remember, he is your husband. Remember, before you send him to prison, he is the man you have vowed to love, honor and obey. The man you have taken for better and for worse.”
“A damn sight more worse than better,” replied Sybil.
“At any rate, he is your husband,” I said. “Won't you—can't I persuade you to—forgive him?”
With these words I drew out my note-case. I pushed a note into her hand.
“Come,” I murmured, “be generous, forgive.”
She folded the note with care, stooped and thrust it into her stocking. ”

“ Jimmie nodded.
"She's an excellent parlor-maid," he said. "My wife doesn't want to lose her."
"What!" I exclaimed. "You go to a place you detest—you ruin your digestion and your temper—oh, yes, I've noticed it—you put money in the pocket of an undeserving person—because your parlor-maid threatens to leave if you don't! Why, it's blackmail!"
"Exactly," interjected Billy. "The sort of blackmail we all of us pay in some form or another. You may choose your restaurant, George, but every time you tip the waiter you're paying blackmail." ”

“ For a time, nothing stirred: the only sign of life a black cat curled up upon a doorstep.
My gaze wandered from the black cat upon the doorstep to the geraniums neatly ranged in pots upon the window-ledge. I mused for a while upon the pleasant contrast of the black fur and the vivid green and red of the flowers. ”

“ I said, “but I believe this is your property.” And I held out the flower-pot with a pleasant smile upon my face.
Next moment the giant had seized the flower-pot and hurled it back at me. It hit me right in the middle of my pleasant smile, rebounded thence, and fell in shattered fragments at my feet.
The giant made a movement toward me. Propelled by an irresistible force, I joined the geraniums upon the pavement. When I had gathered myself together, I noticed that the door of that house was closed. Its occupant had disappeared. ”

“ I QUOTE their remarks—and my replies—verbatim, as showing my friends' peculiar denseness.
"So, you see, George, you've been beaten," said Billy Archer.
"Beaten!" I exclaimed. "How do you make that out?"
"Why, this last stunt of yours, old man, this night porter business; surely that's convinced you?"
"Convinced me of what?"
"Why, that you're absolutely incapable of earning an honest living," chimed in Jimmie. "The sweat of your brow doesn't stand an earthly. It's market value is simply nil." ”

“ He pointed an accusing finger at the prunes.
"Waiter," he said, "what is this beetle doing here?"
I looked at the beetle.
"It's doing nothing, sir," I replied gently. "I'm afraid the poor thing is dead."
Then I explained.
"That's the worst of stewed prunes and the chef being so short-sighted," I said. "He told me he'd picked them all out, but he evidently overlooked that one. It's a thousand pities he doesn't wear glasses." ”

“ Hobbs that I was willing to make good the loss as far as lay in my power.
Mrs. Hobbs instantly became hysterical and dropped Cupid on to the pavement. It broke into three pieces. Mrs. Hobbs gave a shriek and swooned into my arms.
She was a large woman, but my presence of mind did not desert me. I lowered her gently on to her doorstep and called for keys and burnt feathers.
Then it was that I received a remarkable illustration of the truth of the saying, “It's the poor that help the poor.”
The poor burned feathers under the nose of Mrs. Hobbs until she was quite black in the face. ”

“ No one can become a perfect waiter in a single day. It was natural that I should have a few accidents, the result of inexperience.
The old gentleman had been waiting a long time for his soup. He did not realize that this was not my fault, but the fault of the chef. He was becoming seriously ruffled. So seriously that Signor Bellini noticed it and demanded to know what was wrong.
I explained. Signor Bellini hurried across to his infuriated guest and poured apologies upon him with his beautiful Italian accent. ”

“ I realize that from my very earliest days, as far back as, if not further than the neolithic period, it has been man's privilege to indulge in the innocent pastime of wife-beating. There is, I however, a growing tendency on the part of our modern law-makers, rightly or wrongly, to discourage this form of exercise. I am but a humble instrument of the law. While sympathizing with the manly instinct which is prompting you administer what I have no doubt is well-merited castigation, it is my official duly to persuade you to desist.”
So saying, I handed him the treasury note for one pound. ”

“ I told myself that there had been waiters, I myself knew of several, who wen almost as efficient as myself, so far as mere efficiency goes. Yet they did not make a restaurant as I was making this one. They did not count as I counted.
It seemed probable, then, that I possessed something over and above what these others possessed, some indefinable quality, some je ne sais quoi—at any rate, there it was.
Of course I could not help realizing one factor of my marvelous popularity, viz., the keen personal interest I took in every individual customer, the disinterested advice I gave them. ”

“ It was the most enormous man I have ever beheld. His light attire was well calculated to reveal his powerful frame and abnormally bulging muscles. The moon shed her rays upon his face and disclosed a countenance of a strangely forbidding nature. ”

“ I will content myself with asking, how was I to know that the old gentleman was merely smoking a pipe in bed and that his room was not on fire? My prompt use of the hose might have saved hundreds of valuable lives. But there is no pleasing some people. As might have been expected, Jimmie and Billy also failed to understand. ”

“ By George Robey
The favorite of laughter-loving London theatre-goers, who combines the talents of versatile comedian, author-humorist, and popular entertainer, writes a sketch of a special constable's unprecedented efforts to preserve the peace. His philosophically disposed copper, who turns the other cheek in the face of attack and meets the most pressing emergencies with five-pound notes, is a fresh and amusing contribution to current fiction. ”

“ Billy gave one of his ridiculous guffaws.
"Raise the place!" he exclaimed. "Raise Cain, more likely. Boss the waiters and interfere with the chef! Good lord, man—" He turned and book Jimmie by the hand. Congratulations, my dear boy," he said. "That two thousand is as good as ours already."
"Not quite, however," I remarked in the quiet way which is so effective. "Come, take me to the Restaurant of the Brother of the Parlor-maid."
SIGNOR GIORGIO BELLINI, the proprietor of the Restaurant Bellini, was not aggressively Italian either in appearance or temperament. ”

“ They put so many door-keys down her back that every inch of her must have been metal-plated.
For a long time Mrs. Hobbs refused to yield to treatment. The burnt feathers made her choke and cough, but she went on swooning, and her eyes remained tightly closed. All efforts to lift her were fruitless. Mrs. Hobbs continued to repose inertly upon her doorstep.
Then some one suggested blood-letting, and Mrs. Hobbs sat up. By the time I had pressed a five-pound note into her hand she had recovered completely. ”

“ Of course, what is really the matter with them is that they are lacking in imagination. It is this complete lack of imagination that makes than fail to realize why I have to work for my living.
Billy and Jimmie are persuaded that I don't work. ”

“ And in that moment I registered a solemn vow that, come what might, I would always do my duty; I would never fail my weaker fellow men in their hour of need, no matter how difficult or dangerous the task imposed upon me. ”

“ I reflected that the moment they realized the effect of my behavior upon the customers their amusement would turn to admiration and envy.
"You-a get-ta da heart-a diseas-a if-a you-a run about lik-a this-a," said Ernesto.
I explained that I was not afraid of my heart, and that my object in running instead of walking was to serve customers as expeditiously as possible.
"Men hate to be kept waiting for their food," I reminded him.
Ernesto smiled an inscrutable smile. Then he spoke: "In da Restaurante Bellini," he said, "eet ees best-a to keep-a dem waiting for-a food-a da longest possible." ”

“ You've insulted me an' my restaurant; you've insulted the cook, you've insulted the food in front of my customers' faces, you asked 'em to stay away as I 'eard you with me own ears, you've gone and poured liquids down their backs an' solids down their fronts, you've made 'orrible personal remarks to ladies about their tissues and everybody knows 'ow sensitive ladies are over that sort o' thing, and you've mixed up the roly-polys with the steak-and-kidney something crool. Mr. Robey, sir, I asks you straight, would any of us 'ave stood it from a waiter if Ernesto 'adn't tipped us the wink? ”

“ Again this simple statement was regarded as a sally. Lil and her friend burst out laughing.
"All right, then," said he, "we'd better have a cut off the joint, eh, Fred?"
"Right-o," cried Fred. "Unless he's going to tell us the joint's poisoned!" ”

“ I dragged him painfully back on to the pavement. I seated him with difficulty against a lamp-post. I overhauled him for broken bones.
His attire was disheveled and one eye was assuming rainbow hues. He blinked at me cheerfully with the other. fumbled in his pocket, pulled out a short clay pipe and spoke.
“GOT light—hic—mate? Matches blinkin' dif—hic—dif–hiccult to ob—hic—tain.”
I was surprised and a little annoyed.
“How's this, my man?” I inquired, as I helped him to light his pipe. “Why have you come out again? I thought I saw you home.” ”

“ Hobbs now stood revealed as an act of unparalleled brutality and callousness. The cat of one who had triumphantly supported herself and the partner of her joys and sorrows for thirty years by taking in mangling and occasionally doing for the ladies of the neighborhood to oblige, such an animal, Mrs. ”

“ I could not help reflecting that if we all went to where people are always telling us to go, the place would be hopelessly overcrowded. Therefore I disobeyed the old gentleman. I retired instead to the further end of the room.
Signor Bellini, Ernesto, Alberto and most of the diners gathered round the old gentleman and said things. ”

“ Having collected it in a fresh casserole, together with as much of the liquor as could be scooped up from the floor, the chef bore the casserole to the sink, turned the hot tap upon the poulet to make good the deficiency of gravy, and popped the dish back into his oven. ”