George Robey

“ Jimmie nodded.
"She's an excellent parlor-maid," he said. "My wife doesn't want to lose her."
"What!" I exclaimed. "You go to a place you detest—you ruin your digestion and your temper—oh, yes, I've noticed it—you put money in the pocket of an undeserving person—because your parlor-maid threatens to leave if you don't! Why, it's blackmail!"
"Exactly," interjected Billy. "The sort of blackmail we all of us pay in some form or another. You may choose your restaurant, George, but every time you tip the waiter you're paying blackmail." ”

“ I hoped the old gentleman would be made to see the point. Doubtless he would then forgive me. Personally, I saw nothing to laugh at in this unlucky accident, and I did not see how the poor old gentleman could be expected to laugh. I was amazed to discover that he did. He joined in the laughter quite heartily, and as he retired to put on a dry shirt of Signor Bellini's, he stopped in front of me for a moment to remark, in a most friendly fashion:
"I've enjoyed that soup, waiter. I'll have another plateful!" ”

“ You can get me the job, of course?"
"I dare say," said Jimmie.
"Blackmail in another form!" remarked Billy. "Jimmie eats the parlor-maid's brother's filthy food for fear of what the parlor-maid may do and the parlor-maid's brother puts up with George as a waiter for fear of what Jimmie may do. It's a vicious circle."
"I beg your pardon," I said, with acerbity, "it will not be a question of 'putting up' with me. I am not undertaking this job lightly. I am not approaching my task, simple though it be, in a spirit of levity. I intend to work hard. I intend to give every satisfaction. ”

“ I QUOTE their remarks—and my replies—verbatim, as showing my friends' peculiar denseness.
"So, you see, George, you've been beaten," said Billy Archer.
"Beaten!" I exclaimed. "How do you make that out?"
"Why, this last stunt of yours, old man, this night porter business; surely that's convinced you?"
"Convinced me of what?"
"Why, that you're absolutely incapable of earning an honest living," chimed in Jimmie. "The sweat of your brow doesn't stand an earthly. It's market value is simply nil." ”

“ I told myself that there had been waiters, I myself knew of several, who wen almost as efficient as myself, so far as mere efficiency goes. Yet they did not make a restaurant as I was making this one. They did not count as I counted.
It seemed probable, then, that I possessed something over and above what these others possessed, some indefinable quality, some je ne sais quoi—at any rate, there it was.
Of course I could not help realizing one factor of my marvelous popularity, viz., the keen personal interest I took in every individual customer, the disinterested advice I gave them. ”

“ He pointed an accusing finger at the prunes.
"Waiter," he said, "what is this beetle doing here?"
I looked at the beetle.
"It's doing nothing, sir," I replied gently. "I'm afraid the poor thing is dead."
Then I explained.
"That's the worst of stewed prunes and the chef being so short-sighted," I said. "He told me he'd picked them all out, but he evidently overlooked that one. It's a thousand pities he doesn't wear glasses." ”

“ No one can become a perfect waiter in a single day. It was natural that I should have a few accidents, the result of inexperience.
The old gentleman had been waiting a long time for his soup. He did not realize that this was not my fault, but the fault of the chef. He was becoming seriously ruffled. So seriously that Signor Bellini noticed it and demanded to know what was wrong.
I explained. Signor Bellini hurried across to his infuriated guest and poured apologies upon him with his beautiful Italian accent. ”

“ Billy gave one of his ridiculous guffaws.
"Raise the place!" he exclaimed. "Raise Cain, more likely. Boss the waiters and interfere with the chef! Good lord, man—" He turned and book Jimmie by the hand. Congratulations, my dear boy," he said. "That two thousand is as good as ours already."
"Not quite, however," I remarked in the quiet way which is so effective. "Come, take me to the Restaurant of the Brother of the Parlor-maid."
SIGNOR GIORGIO BELLINI, the proprietor of the Restaurant Bellini, was not aggressively Italian either in appearance or temperament. ”

“ I will content myself with asking, how was I to know that the old gentleman was merely smoking a pipe in bed and that his room was not on fire? My prompt use of the hose might have saved hundreds of valuable lives. But there is no pleasing some people. As might have been expected, Jimmie and Billy also failed to understand. ”

“ Of course, what is really the matter with them is that they are lacking in imagination. It is this complete lack of imagination that makes than fail to realize why I have to work for my living.
Billy and Jimmie are persuaded that I don't work. ”

“ I reflected that the moment they realized the effect of my behavior upon the customers their amusement would turn to admiration and envy.
"You-a get-ta da heart-a diseas-a if-a you-a run about lik-a this-a," said Ernesto.
I explained that I was not afraid of my heart, and that my object in running instead of walking was to serve customers as expeditiously as possible.
"Men hate to be kept waiting for their food," I reminded him.
Ernesto smiled an inscrutable smile. Then he spoke: "In da Restaurante Bellini," he said, "eet ees best-a to keep-a dem waiting for-a food-a da longest possible." ”

“ Again this simple statement was regarded as a sally. Lil and her friend burst out laughing.
"All right, then," said he, "we'd better have a cut off the joint, eh, Fred?"
"Right-o," cried Fred. "Unless he's going to tell us the joint's poisoned!" ”

“ You've insulted me an' my restaurant; you've insulted the cook, you've insulted the food in front of my customers' faces, you asked 'em to stay away as I 'eard you with me own ears, you've gone and poured liquids down their backs an' solids down their fronts, you've made 'orrible personal remarks to ladies about their tissues and everybody knows 'ow sensitive ladies are over that sort o' thing, and you've mixed up the roly-polys with the steak-and-kidney something crool. Mr. Robey, sir, I asks you straight, would any of us 'ave stood it from a waiter if Ernesto 'adn't tipped us the wink? ”

“ I could not help reflecting that if we all went to where people are always telling us to go, the place would be hopelessly overcrowded. Therefore I disobeyed the old gentleman. I retired instead to the further end of the room.
Signor Bellini, Ernesto, Alberto and most of the diners gathered round the old gentleman and said things. ”

“ Having collected it in a fresh casserole, together with as much of the liquor as could be scooped up from the floor, the chef bore the casserole to the sink, turned the hot tap upon the poulet to make good the deficiency of gravy, and popped the dish back into his oven. ”

“ He shrugged his shoulders in an Italian manner, then relapsed into his native dialect:
"Since you asks me, as man to man, Mr. Robey, I answers, as man to man, wot do you think? As a waiter, Mr. Robey, sir, 'ow 'ave you be'aved? ”