Amy Le Feuvre

“ He told me he wished it, though he said—" here the twinkle of humour crept into his eye—"you didn't deserve it. That was the money, of course, not me. Well, what do you say, Jean? Are you willing to take me 'for better for worse?' I'm sure I am, with all my heart and soul, and I promise to be a model husband."
He stopped from sheer breathlessness, and perhaps there was a tinge of nervousness in his tone at this epoch.
Jean gazed at him as one petrified. Then she found her voice.
"I am sorry, Charlie—very. I like you immensely as a friend, but we can be nothing more to each other, never!" ”

“ I do not love Him; how can I? She does. Her interest is in the Unseen—mine is not; she loves me as she does her nurse, not as she does God!"
"And, Leslie, listen to me: she is my child—I must have her; she is all that is left to me. I want her to rise from her sofa, to shake off all her unnatural goodness and devotion, to leave it with her cushions and couch, and to come out into the world with me, her mother! Listen! I have stood aside all these years seeing you, and even strangers, gather, round her couch and amuse and interest her hour by hour. ”

“ Miss Lorraine stooped and kissed her and Jean laid her head on her pillow that night without a fear for the future, or a shadow of regret for the step she had taken.
The next few months were rosy ones to her. She plunged into her beloved art with an energy and dogged perseverance that astonished Miss Lorraine. She could talk of, and think of, nothing else. Art and artists were all the world to her. She read and studied when not employed with her brush, any books that she could get hold of, provided they bore the stamp and impress of Art. ”

“ Listen, Jean. For years, I have been longing for a fuller sphere of work. A doctor has some opportunities, but they are few and far between. A sick-bed and agonies of pain are not conducive to listening to the Master's message. I have longed to go out like the early apostles did, to preach and teach the gospel of the kingdom. For years, I have believed that God intends I shall do so, but I have not seen my way. Even that tiny Sunnie, when she was tied to her sofa, held me with an iron hand from attempting a change of work. ”

“ Why should the homely good folk not be remembered, as well as fashion's beauties?"
"I quite agree with you," said Jean, "and as a matter of fact they often are—if they can afford it. It is only rich people, who order life-sized portraits in oils. But real good people will leave their lives and influence imprinted on the hearts of those who love them, and they will need no portraits to remember them by. The beauties who have nothing but their faces to recommend them, will need to have their pictures taken, if their friends wish to remember them at all."
"Poor Beauties!" said Charlie. ”

“ Currants and gooseberries of all sorts and sizes were there in profusion, and they set to work with a will, though Jean's tongue went faster than her fingers.
"I like currant-picking," said Chris cheerfully, "but I can't bear doing the gooseberries; they tear one's hands so!"
"I shouldn't do them, then," said Jean, "but make some one else do it."
"But if there is no one else?"
"Then pay a small boy to do it."
"Do you always get over your difficulties so easily?" laughed Chris. "If you are not rich, you cannot afford to pay some one to do your disagreeables for you." ”

“ It was in the garden that Jean eventually spent most of her time. She learnt the times and seasons of every plant and flower from the old man; she was initiated into the mysteries of grafting, potting, and pruning. There was not a big flower garden; the wind swept over the lawn, and the salt spray stunted and burnt the trees and shrubs. It stood in the front of the house, unprotected from the open marshland, but the kitchen garden behind was encircled by four high walls, and it was there that Jean and Rawlings talked and worked together. ”

“ She was determined to fill Chris's place to the utmost of her ability, but after the novelty of the first few days wore off, she began to feel the irksomeness and weariness of the daily household tasks. She had never known before what it was to be obliged to work when she felt disinclined—headache, backache, heat or cold, must be entirely disregarded, if the routine of Chris's work was to be accomplished. Her dogged perseverance held her in good stead, and the assurance of Chris's enjoyment did much to solace her, for her want of leisure.
Barbara spared her as much as possible. ”

“ Jean remained speechless. Miss Lorraine had never spoken with such fervour and earnestness to her before.
She added—
"Unless your life is in touch with your Saviour, it is utterly purposeless and unfruitful. A life centering round itself becomes more dwarfed and withered year by year. It is like a pool of stagnant water—no force, no freshness, no purity."
Miss Lorraine was called away. Jean sat on by that London window feeling very small indeed. ”

“ Gordon took out some knitting, and if she did not make many comments, she listened to her young niece's flow of talk.
"You're one of those people who have a purpose in life," Meta said to Jean. "It must be rather nice. Now I haven't a single hobby; I wish I had. I think I like everything too much. And I do nothing well. I'm a smatterer, am I not, Aunt Helen? I paint a little, and play a little, and work a little, and carve a little. I try my hand at everything, and succeed in nothing. How did you like Leslie's music? I heard the piano. Now, he is a born musician. He amuses Sunnie by the hour. ”

“ An old panelled room in the twilight; a blazing log fire throwing its ruddy light upon a velvet couch drawn up beside it; and nestling amongst the cushions, partially covered by a great fur rug, the loveliest little child that Jean had ever seen. Her hair was of that uncommon colour, a pure rich gold without a tint of red in it; her eyes a dark clear grey with long black curling lashes. Her small, delicately cut oval face and features seemed very white in the firelight, but as she caught sight of her mother and Jean, a faint pink flush rose in her cheeks, making her look perfectly lovely. ”

“ I shall be an independent woman with money at my back. I must pinch myself hard to make sure I am not dreaming. And you will all go on here, year after year, and forget all about me. And then perhaps one day, you will hear of a wonderful picture gracing the walls of the Royal Academy and making everybody talk about it, and you will be told that Miss Jean Desmond is the celebrity who painted it, and then you will wonder how Miss Jean has been getting on, and if she remembers the talks she used to have in this old kitchen garden with you! ”

“ Sunnie lay back on her cushions, and regarded her with tearful eyes; then a glint of sunshine came like a rainbow across them.
"You must marry a prince and drive to Scotland in a big coach, like they used to do long ago. And your prince must come and live close here, and you must come and see me in the twilight, when the fire is blazing and Cousin Leslie is playing the piano. I shall always be here, you know; I shall never move away until—I go to heaven." ”

“ Humanly speaking, you have brought me back to life again, and though when I was weak and ill I longed to die, it was a very wrong and selfish wish."
"Why?" asked Jean, who was always being astonished at Miss Lorraine's view of things.
"I have done so little, and there is so much to do," was the reply. "However small our influence is, it is ours to use for our Master. A lifetime of a hundred years is not too long to work for Him. We have only one life on earth. I don't believe we shall ever get the same chance of helping one another again." ”

“ I am perfectly certain your grandfather would be most desperately anxious and distressed, if he knew that any hasty words of his had driven you to such an extremity as this. A friendless young woman in London will never be able to support herself. You little know the pitfalls for youth and inexperience. Have you no relations in town who might advise you?"
"I have no relations," said Jean, with a look of dismay in her eyes. "Not one, but grandfather, and he doesn't care for me; he doesn't want me. Oh, Colonel Douglas, I must paint! It is life to me! ”

“ I know on the deepest things in life, we are far apart, yet her little gracious ways, her sweet wistfulness in the midst of her wilful words, make me long to win her. It would not be for our lasting happiness, if I did so. I am not a boy, and I suppose as one grows older, one feels more deeply. I think after my week in Edinburgh, I will run up to London for a short time. ”

“ Jean had never heard any one speak so before, and when her hymn came to be commented on, she listened with special interest.
The doctor only took the first line. "It is the key to the whole," he said. "We think a good deal of our bodies, and have a selfish love for ourselves, but what care are we taking of our souls? There is One who knows the value of them better than we do, and who loves them. He would not have given up His life for a light thing, nor left His glorious throne and lived a life of poverty and scorn for a trifle. ”

“ Jean must be a genius. She seems to have caught and held the spirit of the child in her canvas. It isn't only the outside of Sunnie, but the indescribable sweet witchery of the little darling, the absolute purity and innocence of her nature. ”

“ Fergusson was in the drawing-room when I went in. I like him, Jean. He has the keen sense of humour I love to see in a man, and a sense of repressed force of character—how can I describe it? When he forgets himself and talks with earnestness and animation, you realise he is a strong and clever man, but you also realise that there is a good deal more of him to know than he lets you know. ”

“ Desmond looked upon the weaker sex as being utterly unfit to converse intellectually with learned savants. He had never been a society man. His wife had died four years after his marriage, and since her death, he had become entirely absorbed in his books. Jean never had much to say to the men who frequented her grandfather's house. She took her seat at the dinner table, but did not see them afterwards. They looked upon her as a schoolgirl still, and were like her grandfather, more interested in science than in women. ”

“ I have been thinking a lot, and I've come to the conclusion that a change of life means a great deal more than I thought it did. If this house were more of a home to me, I would never wish to leave it. If grandfather loved me, I would thankfully stay with him for the rest of my life."
Colonel Douglas was surprised at the depth of feeling in her tone.
"Sometimes we misunderstand those who love us best," he said. "It isn't always the ones who are most demonstrative, who are the most genuine."
Jean smiled rather bitterly. ”

“ Have you done nothing but slave and work since you were children? Wouldn't you like to go out to India, or to Scotland to see your godmother, or to London to do a little sightseeing?"
"We have never had time or opportunity to do what we like," said Chris, laying down her basket and straightening herself for a minute. "I don't know that I have given much thought to it. I suppose I have had my daydreams, as most have, and Barbara has given up something tangible. She could have married once, but father could not spare her, and she sent him away. ”

“ Jean turned round from the window with an eager, glowing face—
"I have been down to Devonshire, Colonel Douglas. I have never seen such delicious haunts before. Every square inch of Devonshire ground seems rich in beauty. I suppose it is my home having been amongst the flat, monotonous marshes that makes the hills and dales in Devonshire such a delight. It has made me wonder why artists spend the greater part of the year in town."
"I think you will find that landscape painters are oftener out of town than in it. How is your painting getting on? Is it a success? Is life satisfying you?" ”

“ And then mother is so—so different. She came in one night and put her arms round me and cried, and said, 'Sunnie, we're going to live a new, life, you and I, but we shall have God between us.' I s'pose dear mother is so happy because I'm going to walk; she looks so pretty and young when she smiles."
"And when are you going back to Scotland, darling?" asked Jean.
"I don't know."
Sunnie raised herself up in her cushions.
"I want to go back, and I don't want to go back. I don't like the train. It will be years before I can walk like you, I expect; and oh dear! Oh dear! ”

“ Jean looked a little offended; the young man went on—
"I'm out a good bit, and we only see each other in the evening, but he's getting old, and I fancy the house wants a woman to look after it."
"There are Elsie and Mary," said Jean. "He does not like women; he never has. And if I gave up painting to-morrow, which I shouldn't think of doing, he would never take me back; he said he wouldn't."
"Oh, I'd talk him round," the young man said cheerfully. "He isn't half a bad old chap, if you take him the right way. Do you remember old Rawlings?" ”

“ Leslie's mother, Miss Desmond, is of the old school. She thinks that neither doctors nor lawyers can be gentlemen. And bitter was the blow when her favourite son persisted in taking up such a 'degrading profession,' as she terms it."
"Would she have preferred him to be a musician?" asked Jean, with a smile.
"Good gracious, no! The Army, Navy, or Church are the only three professions for gentlemen, she always says. I haven't lived very long, but I know one or two men in those favoured positions that are anything but ornaments to them. You will have to go and see Mrs. Fergusson. ”

“ Desmond stooped and took up the book that she had laid down.
"Poems!" he sneered. "When a woman surfeits herself on romances and poetry, she lays the foundation for worse to follow. No, Jean; keep to your own province and let me keep to mine. Books are for men, household tasks for women. Let Mary teach you to cook a dinner, and Elsie to mend the house-linen. And never let me find you in this room again, unless I send for you!"
"But," argued Jean, stung to the quick by the contempt expressed in her grandfather's tone, "I have a brain as well as you. ”

“ Jean's tone was eager and her face flushed. Miss Lorraine looked keenly at her.
"He does not look prepossessing, Jean. Did the Blakes introduce him to you?"
"I am sure I do not remember. He is coming with us to Paris. I meet him everywhere. I think he is so intellectual looking. He may not be handsome, but if you knew him as I do, you would not mind his looks."
"Jean, dear," Miss Lorraine said kindly, "take a word of caution from me in good part. You have no mother, and an artist's life is full of dangers. Be careful, very careful, whom you make your friends. ”

“ I may live a few years, the doctor says, but I shall always be an invalid. I have done with health and strength and activity; and sickness and weakness and pain, Frances, are formidable foes to confront. There! I ask your pardon for letting you see me in this mood, but I have always been to you with my troubles, and I could not keep this back from you."
He made a feint at one of his cheerful smiles, but Miss Lorraine sat still.
"Oh," she said at last, "if I could go through it for you! Women can bear sickness—they are accustomed to it. Oh, Philip, can I do nothing, nothing for you?" ”

“ Jean looked at him in silence, and then a twinkle came into her eyes.
"You always think everybody is like yourself, Colonel Douglas. I don't live for others as you do, but entirely for myself."
"You mustn't make such a confession," said Mrs. Talbot, laughing. "We keep such facts to ourselves. There are very few people in the world who are able to be entirely selfish. Our circumstances and our families generally step in and spoil such a rôle."
"What a blessing they do!" Miss Lorraine remarked. ”

“ Jean never got the better of Rawlings in argument, but woman-like, she would not be crushed.
"Oh, well, there are other things besides sweetness in life, there's strength and sturdy goodness. I don't think I like very sweet people. There was a girl at school all gush and sentiment, and every one was always 'a dear' and 'a darling' to her. I longed to shake her sometimes! If I'm not a 'sweet' character, Rawlings, I can try to be a strong and a good one." ”

“ Doughty and I walk a great deal. Hansoms are expensive, omnibuses stuffy, and I would rather pay a shoemaker's bill than a doctor's any day!"
"Will attending a School of Art be expensive?" asked Jean. "How many years do you think it will be before I can start a studio of my own?"
Miss Lorraine shook her head and laughed.
"An old music master of mine used to be very fond of this saying: 'The top of the tree is not jumped at!' How long will your patience and perseverance last? Have you a good stock of those necessary and useful virtues?" ”