Aristophanes

“ In thee alone do we confide, and thou art worthy, for thou art near us when we practise the various postures in which Aphrodité delights upon our couches, and none dream even in the midst of her sports of seeking to avoid thine eye that watches our swaying bodies. Thou alone shinest into the depths of our most secret charms, and with thy flame dost singe the hairy growth of our privates. If we open some cellar stored with fruits and wine, thou art our companion, and never dost thou betray or reveal to a neighbour the secrets thou hast learned about us. ”

“ Therefore, long life to the wine-jars of Thasos! Pour yourselves out unmixed wine, it will cheer you the whole night through, if you choose the liquor that possesses most fragrance. But tell me, friends, where is my mistress's husband?
CHORUS
Wait for him here; he will no doubt pass this way.
MAID-SERVANT
Ah! there he is just going to dinner. Oh! master! what joy! what blessedness is yours!
BLEPYRUS
Ah! d'you think so?
MAID-SERVANT
None can compare his happiness to yours; you have reached its utmost height, you who, alone out of thirty thousand citizens, have not yet dined. ”

“ PRAXAGORA
Let none contradict nor interrupt me until I have explained my plan. I want all to have a share of everything and all property to be in common; there will no longer be either rich or poor; no longer shall we see one man harvesting vast tracts of land, while another has not ground enough to be buried in, nor one man surround himself with a whole army of slaves, while another has not a single attendant; I intend that there shall only be one and the same condition of life for all. ”

“ Let us therefore hand Athens over to them without endless discussions, without bothering ourselves about what they will do; let us simply hand them over the power, remembering that they are mothers and will therefore spare the blood of our soldiers; besides, who will know better than a mother how to forward provisions to the front? Woman is adept at getting money for herself and will not easily let herself be deceived; she understands deceit too well herself. ”

“ Aphrodité, why dost thou fire me with such delight in her? Oh! Eros, I beseech thee, have mercy and make her share my couch. Words cannot express the tortures I am suffering. Oh! my adored one, I adjure you, open your door for me and press me to your heart; 'tis for you that I am suffering. Oh! my jewel, my idol, you child of Aphrodité, the confidante of the Muses, the sister of the Graces, you living picture of Voluptuousness, oh! open for me, press me to your heart, 'tis for you that I am suffering.
FIRST OLD WOMAN
Are you knocking? Is it I you seek?
YOUNG MAN
What an idea! ”

“ PRAXAGORA
Yes, by Apollo! this is a truly popular decree, and what a set-back 'twill be for one of those elegants with their fingers loaded with rings, when a man with heavy shoes says to him, "Give way to me and wait till I have done; you will pass in after me."
BLEPYRUS
But if we live in this fashion, how will each one know his children?
PRAXAGORA
The youngest will look upon the oldest as their fathers. ”

“ But where shall we find orators in an Assembly of women?
PRAXAGORA
Nothing simpler. Is it not said, that the cleverest speakers are those who submit themselves oftenest to men? Well, thanks to the gods, we are that by nature. ”

“ There was a crowd, such as has never been seen at the Pnyx, and the folk looked pale and wan, like so many shoemakers, so white were they in hue; both I and many another had to go without the triobolus.
BLEPYRUS
Then if I went now, I should get nothing.
CHREMES
No, certainly not, nor even had you gone at the second cock-crow.
BLEPYRUS
Oh! what a misfortune! Oh, Antilochus! [42] no triobolus! Even death would be better! I am undone! But what can have attracted such a crowd at that early hour? ”

“ PRAXAGORA
Quick, quick, for 'tis all the custom that those who are not at the Pnyx early in the morning, return home empty-handed.
CHORUS
Move forward, citizens, move forward; let us not forget to give ourselves this name and may that of woman never slip out of our mouths; woe to us, if it were discovered that we had laid such a plot in the darkness of night. Let us go to the Assembly then, fellow-citizens ”

“ As for you, you young flute-player, let us hear some airs that are worthy of you and me. Let him who wishes to taste pleasure come to my side. These young things know nothing about it; 'tis only the women of ripe age who understand the art of love, and no one could know how to fondle the lover who possessed me so well as myself; the young girls are all flightiness.
YOUNG GIRL
Don't be jealous of the young girls; voluptuousness resides in the pure outline of their beautiful limbs and blossoms on their rounded bosoms ”

“ By Posidon! 'tis grand, if true.
PRAXAGORA
The results will prove it; you will confess it, and even these good people (pointing to the spectators) will not be able to say a word.
CHORUS
You have served your friends, but now it behoves you to apply your ability and your care to the welfare of the people. Devote the fecundity of your mind to the public weal; adorn the citizens' lives with a thousand enjoyments and teach them to seize every favourable opportunity. Devise some ingenious method to secure the much-needed salvation of Athens ”

“ Herein lies a spark of hope; but Thrasybulus is far from Athens [20] and you do not recall him.
FIRST WOMAN
Oh! what a brilliant man!
PRAXAGORA
That's better! that's fitting applause.—Citizens, 'tis you who are the cause of all this trouble. You vote yourselves salaries out of the public funds and care only for your own personal interests; hence the State limps along like Æsimus. [21] But if you hearken to me, you will be saved. I assert that the direction of affairs must be handed over to the women, for 'tis they who have charge and look after our households. ”

“ PRAXAGORA
Stop! All these details of language must be adjusted; else it is quite useless to go to the Assembly.
SEVENTH WOMAN
Pass me the chaplet; I wish to speak again, for I think I have got hold of something good. You women who are listening to me....
PRAXAGORA
Women again; why, wretched creature, 'tis men that you are addressing. ”

“ PRAXAGORA
'Tis clear enough why; so that, instead of them, we may have the first-fruits of the young men. It is not meet that tricked-out slaves should rob free-born women of their pleasures. Let the courtesans be free to sleep with the slaves and to depilate their privates for them. ”

“ Very good, very good, 'tis perfect! Say on, say on.
PRAXAGORA
They are worth more than you are, as I shall prove. First of all they wash all their wool in warm water, according to the ancient practice; you will never see them changing their method. Ah! if Athens only acted thus, if it did not take delight in ceaseless innovations, would not its happiness be assured? Then the women sit down to cook, as they always did; they carry things on their head as was their wont; they keep the Thesmophoria, as they have ever done; they knead their cakes just as they used to ”

“ PRAXAGORA
The poor will no longer be obliged to work; each will have all that he needs, bread, salt fish, cakes, tunics, wine, chaplets and chick-pease; of what advantage will it be to him not to contribute his share to the common wealth? ”

“ If the lot has assigned my comedy to be played first of all, don't let that be a disadvantage to me; engrave in your memory all that shall have pleased you in it and judge the competitors equitably as you have bound yourselves by oath to do. Don't act like vile courtesans, who never remember any but their last lover. It is time, friends, high time to go to the banquet, if we want to have our share of it. ”

“ I awake and hunt in the darkness for my shoes and my cloak; but grope where I will, I cannot find them. Meanwhile my need grew each moment more urgent and I had only just time to seize my wife's little mantle and her Persian slippers. But where shall I find a spot suitable for my purpose. Bah! One place is as good as another at night-time, for no one will see me. Ah! what fatal folly 'twas to take a wife at my age, and how I could thrash myself for having acted so foolishly! 'Tis a certainty she's not gone out for any honest purpose. ”

“ Turn round, examine everywhere and keep a good look-out; be on your guard against every trick, for they might spy on us from behind. Let us make as much noise as possible as we tramp. It would be a disgrace for all of us if we allowed ourselves to be caught in this deed by the men. Come, wrap yourselves up well, and search both right and left, so that no mischance may happen to us. Let us hasten our steps; here we are close to the meeting-place, whence we started for the Assembly, and here is the house of our leader, the author of this bold scheme, which is now decreed by all the citizens. ”

“ PRAXAGORA
Think of her wanting to card! whereas we must not let anyone see the smallest part of our bodies. [7] 'Twould be a fine thing if one of us, in the midst of the discussion, rushed on to the speaker's platform and, flinging her cloak aside, showed her hairy privates. If, on the other hand, we are the first to take our seats closely muffled in our cloaks, none will know us. Let us fix these beards on our chins, so that they spread all over our bosoms. How can we fail then to be mistaken for men? Agyrrhius has deceived everyone, thanks to the beard of Pronomus ”

“ Ah! here is our leader, returning from the Assembly. Hasten to relieve your chins of these flowing manes. Look at your comrades yonder; they have already made themselves women again some while ago.
PRAXAGORA
Friends, success has crowned our plans. But off with these cloaks and these boots quick, before any man sees you; unbuckle the Laconian straps and get rid of your staffs; and do you help them with their toilet. As for myself, I am going to slip quietly into the house and replace my husband's cloak and other gear where I took them from, before he can suspect anything. ”

“ The women of Athens, under the leadership of the wise Praxagora, resolve to reform the constitution. To this end they don men's clothes, and taking seats in the Assembly on the Pnyx, command a majority of votes and carry a series of revolutionary proposals—that the government be vested in a committee of women, and further, that property and women be henceforth held in common. ”

“ It is hard to correct your peevish humour; you fear those who love you and throw yourselves at the feet of those who betray you. There was a time when we had no assemblies, and then we all thought Agyrrhius a dishonest man; [16] now they are established, he who gets money thinks everything is as it should be, and he who does not, declares all who sell their votes to be worthy of death.
FIRST WOMAN
By Aphrodité, that is well spoken.
PRAXAGORA
Why, wretched woman, you have actually called upon Aphrodité. Oh! what a fine thing 'twould have been had you said that in the Assembly! ”

“ Let us not lose a moment in taking off our false beards, for we might be recognized and denounced. Let us stand under the shadow of this wall; let us glance round sharply with our eye to beware of surprises, while we quickly resume our ordinary dress. ”

“ YOUNG GIRL
If anyone enter your house, 'twill be to carry out your corpse.
FIRST OLD WOMAN
That's new to me.
YOUNG GIRL
What! you rotten wretch, can anything be new to an old hag like you?
FIRST OLD WOMAN
My old age will not harm you.
YOUNG GIRL
Ah! shame on your painted cheeks!
FIRST OLD WOMAN
Why do you speak to me at all?
YOUNG GIRL
And why do you place yourself at the window?
FIRST OLD WOMAN
I am singing to myself about my lover, Epigenes.
YOUNG GIRL
Can you have any other lover than that old fop Geres? ”

“ Ah! how heartily they will strangle all the old men, since even now, when each one knows his father, they make no bones about strangling him! then, my word! won't they just scorn and shit upon the old folks! ”

“ The word means 'one who stretches and tortures,' from προκρούειν, and refers to his habit of fitting all his captives to the same bedstead—the 'bed of Procrustes'—stretching them if too short to the required length, lopping their limbs as required if they were too long. Here a further pun is involved, προκρούειν meaning also 'to go with a woman first.'↑ Athenian law declared it illegal for a woman to contract any debt exceeding the price of a medimnus of corn ”

“ That's the best way. But how are we going to lift up our arm [28] in the Assembly, we, who only know how to lift our legs in the act of love?
PRAXAGORA
'Tis difficult; yet it must be done, and the arm shown naked to the shoulder in order to vote. Quick now, put on these tunics and these Laconian shoes, as you see the men do each time they go to the Assembly or for a walk. Then this done, fix on your beards, and when they are arranged in the best way possible, dress yourselves in the cloaks you have abstracted from your husbands ”

“ Thus, those for whom I have drawn a Beta, will go to the royal portico; [52] if 'tis a Theta, they will go to the portico of Theseus; [53] if 'tis a Kappa, to that of the flour-market. [54]
BLEPYRUS
To cram [55] himself there like a capon?
PRAXAGORA
No, to dine there.
BLEPYRUS
And the citizen whom the lot has not given a letter showing where he is to dine will be driven off by everyone?
PRAXAGORA
But that will not occur. Each man will have plenty; he will not leave the feast until he is well drunk, and then with a chaplet on his head and a torch in his hand ”

“ I see Clinareté coming too, along with Sostraté and their next-door neighbour Philæneté.
PRAXAGORA
Hurry yourselves then, for Glycé has sworn that the last comer shall forfeit three measures of wine and a chœnix of pease.
FIRST WOMAN
Don't you see Melisticé, the wife of Smicythion, hurrying hither in her great shoes? Methinks she is the only one of us all who has had no trouble in getting rid of her husband. ”