Benj. F. Cobb

“ It’s like this, Jack, every one you meet has to have what they call down south, ‘Lagniappe;’ in the north we call it perquisites or graft. In reality it is a tip given by one person to another. Now, a salesman is called on to give out more kinds of tips and give them out in more different ways than any other man that travels. Sometimes we give cigars, sometimes it’s a drink or a dinner, and sometimes soft-soap, and other times its tears, but to be a success on the road you must give something. ”

“ I never knew what a fearful thing drink was before. Harry fairly cried when he told the dealer how his father and three sisters went to the bad on account of drink. Then Harry told him a story about a man who sold his wife’s washboard for drink, and, said Harry:
“Just think, she was the only support of her husband and six little children;” then they both cried. We spent two hours in that office and when it was almost train time Harry mentioned his business and took an order for eight cars of lumber. ”

“ I used to think that tipping was confined to porters, waiters and congressmen, but I have struck a new lead and I begin to think now that the man doesn’t live who is not either giving or taking tips, and the majority of them do both.
While stopping here at the Carrie Hotel I made friends with a traveling salesman for a lumber concern. My first meeting with him came near being my last; the little slim Jim stepped on my foot and I pasted him one in the jaw, then for a few seconds there was nothing doing and then there was. ”

“ One of the first things down is to avoid a hotel barber shop on Christmas Eve. You can never forget that it is Christmas time. They commence telling you about it a week before Christmas, and don’t let up until a week after New Year’s.
When you first come into a hotel the boy shows you to your room, and after setting down your grip in the only place in the room where you would rather not have it, he fixes the windows. They most likely don’t need fixing, but he fixes them anyway. If they are shut, he opens them, and if they are open he shuts them. ”

“ There is only one tipping rule for the man who travels, and that is to tip and keep tipping, particularly if you desire to get what is coming to you. Some methodical dubs have adopted the rule of giving to the waiters ten per cent of the amount paid for a meal. My plan is to give something if nothing but a cussing, but to give according to what I receive—and a good cussing is all that is coming to some of them, according to my rule.
I found a waiter in Shanley’s once 7who had been spoiled by the ten per cent habit. ”

“ The salesman and myself had both been drinking more than was good for us, but the shot had sobered me and I guess it had done as much for him. I gave him back his gun.
“You are a damned poor shot,” said I, “put up the popgun and let’s take a drink.”
We stood up to the bar and I called for the bartender, who managed to get up after a time and set out the red liquor. When the police arrived we were touching glasses and in answer to an inquiry as to where the man was who did the shooting, I answered:
“Couldn’t tell you, old man, we just came in; will you have a drink?” ”

“ Wouldn’t that knock an educated pup off the balance pole, Billy?
“How are you getting along in this town?” said I.
“That’s just it, Jack, I am not getting along at all. I have them all but one on my side, but he has sort of taken a dislike to me and I can’t budge him an inch. I thought perhaps you might help me out as you are something of a schemer, besides you owe me something for the lickings you used to give me when we were kids.”
“All right, Johnny, I will help you, but not on account of the lickings. They helped to make a man of you.” ”

“ Say, Billy, wasn’t I gone to the bumpers, though?
“Sit down here, Mr. Jack,” said she, “I want to talk to you.”
We sat down, some one came around with refreshments, cake and ice cream.
“No pot wash for me,” said I, “haven’t you any—” I was going to say bug juice, but just then Miss Laura stuck a pin into my leg and said to the attendant:
“Mr. Henderson says he does not feel like eating ice cream, but will take something later.”
The attendant passed on; ain’t she a trump, though.
“Look here, Mr. Jack,” said she, “did you ever see Mr. Parker before tonight, or did any one introduce you?” ”

“ I heard a street preaching guy telling about the advancement of all things and he named over everything he could think of but left out the drum major of the bunch, the cap sheaf, as it were, the one great and only that heads the procession. There is an art in tipping but the art is soon learned; one of the lost arts, however, is to get along without tipping. 6The more I see of tipping the more I am convinced it is the correct thing, and the guy who started the anti-tipping club needs to roost high or he will get his tail feathers clipped. ”

“ I called Dug’s attention to it, and we planted ourselves in chairs. That was the slickest shave I ever got, and the barber I had—why, he ought to have been a trained nurse: he was so solicitous of my health and comfort.
“This not allowing you chaps to take any tips is a great scheme,” said I. “How do you like it?”
63“Like it,” said the barber; “it’s great. And we make more this way than we did before.”
“More pay, I suppose?”
“No, we get the same pay.”
“Then how can you make more?” The barber laughed.
“Then you ain’t on?” said he. “It’s the slickest ever. ”

“ Then he commenced on me with his razor. He was long at this. He would lay his razor on above my cheek-bone, and with one swipe would rake down over my cheek and land under the tip of my chin. I fairly held my breath. After he had given me a couple of swipes of that kind he stopped to wipe his razor.
“Look here,” said I; “what did you work at before you struck the barber trade?”
“Stock Yards,” said he, taking a 51swipe down the other side of my face with that infernal razor; “used to be a ripper,” he added. ”

“ In a few minutes another headlight showed us that another car was coming. There was a cab standing by the curb with a tag on it marked “Public Cab,” and when the car was about a block and a half away, Dug grabbed the whip out of the socket and caught the horse by the bridle, and with a little cussing and whipping, brought the cab directly across the car track. Unbeknown to us the driver was sleeping inside the cab, the movement of the cab awakened him and about the time the 72wheels struck the car track, the driver fell out of the door of the cab and landed on all fours in the street. ”

“ By the time we got to the next corner, the car was half way down town. Dug was mad, but I reminded him that we had all night to get to the hotel in, and that we were safe for the next car. It was late and the cars did not run often, but one came at last. The first thing I noticed when the car hove in sight was the motorman gesticulating with all his might for us to get back to the corner where we were before. This made Dug madder than ever and he would not stir and, of course, the car went by us again. I laughed, which did not improve Dug’s temper.
71“Think you are smart, don’t you?” ”

“ I don’t know of anything he will work harder at unless it is to get rid of one that he has taken a dislike to. I never had much experience in that line, but I was willing to try—no, not willing, for when I thought of those eyes I felt that I must try. I went to work in earnest and found out that she was the doctor’s pet sister, that she lived with him and that her front name was Laura. Billy, I never knew that was such a pretty name before. I actually reformed some, I quit drinking before breakfast. ”

“ The girl asked what the trouble was and I said:
“Nothing, only the waiter was too honest to take a tip,” and then she fainted.
The size of the tip that a fellow is supposed to be separated from depends 8a good deal on the place; as a rule, the higher priced place you strike either in a hotel or restaurant (perhaps I should say a cafe) , the smaller the portions and the larger the tips. You see in a real tony place where there is lots of gilt, pictures and Oriental rugs, the less they can afford to give you to eat and the more you have to pay for it ”

“ Dear Billy:— Writing on train is not the best of a task, but when I feel like writing I must write or you would get no letters. I have just been in to dinner in the dining-car, and there I met a tan colored coon who used to wait on us up to the Poker Club on Clark Street. That coon ought to be rich with the tips he has pinched out of us ”

“ It seems Johnny has gotten to be a crack salesman and is traveling for a school book house. Easiest thing in the world to sell, I should think, if a fellow has the best, but Johnny says not.
82Perhaps I am not learning a lot about tips, or graft, as it is called when it gets into society. You see in order to get his books introduced, Johnny is obliged to present his case to the superintendent of schools. If he succeeds in getting him coming his way, the next thing to do is to tackle the school board. ”

“ The telephone is a great thing, Billy, and by the way it is the bellwether 81as a grafter. Just show this to the president of the old company in Chicago, he knows it. It doesn’t do to judge from appearances, Billy. Things are not always as they seem. Speaking of grafting, it doesn’t always mean money, but it costs money to go the pace. I was in a town not a hundred miles from this one a short time ago when I ran across Johnny Morgan. You remember Johnny, he was always one of the good boys. ”

“ That family consisted of a man and his wife. The man usually bought his wife a box of cigars or a pipe, and she 49would buy him a pair of earrings, a breastpin or a box of candy. If he did not like the earrings she would wear them, and the cigars never came amiss. Taking it all in all, it is a day that makes a fellow feel generous, whether the money he is spending belongs to him or to some one else.
Christmas Eve I went into the hotel barber shop to get shaved. ”

“ I was stopping in Detroit at one time and had been introduced by some would-be society sports to the smart set, and Detroit has a smart set, even if the people generally are bigotted. I suppose these society boys thought 34they would have some fun with me when they got me up against some of those society bathing costumes, but I did not balk at them. ”

“ The weight of the truck took the big 18brute to the floor, and there was a mixture of eggs, steak and nigger that must have taken some time to scrape apart. The nigger picked himself up and fairly flew to the kitchen, and there was a commotion in the dining-room better imagined than described. I was on my feet mad enough to fight a Spanish bull. While I stood there glowering at Dug and the rest of the push, I spied Sam keeping just out of my reach. ”

“ This Christmas giving is a great stunt, Billy, and there is certainly one dollar that I have put into safe keeping.
Speaking of Christmas giving reminds me that the average Christmas present is a gift of something that we would like to own to someone who has a very bad opinion of our individual taste.
Dug has a cousin who is attending a theological school in Boston and a couple of days before Christmas, Dug 47had wired me to send this cousin a suitable present. ”

“ There is one thing I could never bring out straight and that is, how the average traveler will give a greasy nigger from a quarter to a half for giving him slight attention at the table, when they will let a nice, neat white girl wait on them in first-class shape and then walk off without so much as a “thank you.” That ain’t 10me, Billy, the girls get my money. ”

“ All the prayers of all the good people in Christendom will not keep the traveling men out of h— if they don’t get this fool idea out of their heads of having a time of their own in these jay towns, and it can only be a jay 35town that will keep that much behind the trains. ”

“ The negro is strong on long words, and about three days after my calling down the head waiter, he stopped me as I was leaving the dining-room and said:
“Mister Henderson, what’s dis yer international complexions you told me about dat day?”
“Is it possible you don’t know, Sam? Don’t you attend church every Sunday?” ”

“ Here we are, right in the midst of the festal season. Dug and I have been trying a new kind of liquor every day for a week to get the exact right thing for the holidays. Queer about Christmas, Billy, there seems to be something in the air that makes a duffer want to give something to every guy who is worse off than he is.
I saw a hard looking old dub on the street on Christmas morning; he 44did not seem to know which way to turn ”

“ Jack
Henderson.
79 Grafting.
Indianapolis, Ind., 19—.
Dear Billy:— Grafting is tipping on a large scale. The average man kicks because the porters, bell boys and waiters hold him up for his small change, but the chances are if you should find out all about the kicker you would find he was a grafter and one of the worst kind. ”

“ We are not allowed to receive any tips, and we tell everybody so, and we also tell them about the fancy cup, and tell them we cannot help it if they want to send a present to our baby, and it is a nervy guy who will toss in less than a quarter on a plea like that. ”

“ If you can sit still without talking or moving I’ll give you each a quarter when they let us out of here.”
“Dat’s Isidore Simon. He’ll get 126de quarter,” one of the kids said. But the rest of them were too anxious for the money to talk. ”