Edmund Lester Pearson

“ Jane seemed to be lost in admiration of the frontispiece to the "Gardener's Guide."
She began to turn the leaves of the index rapidly, and I could hear her mutter: "Q, R, S—here it is. Scrap-book, screens, slugs, sowing, spider on box. Oh, I hate spiders! Sunbonnet, sun-dial, sweet peas. Why, there isn't anything about sunflowers!"
This annoyed me very much.
"Jane," I said, "how perfectly absurd! Do you suppose an authority like Mrs. Bunkum would write a book on gardening, [24] and not mention such common things as sunflowers? Look again." ”

“ Miss Grant came at about half-past seven, and Fernald turned the desk over to her.
"I wish you would get that red-haired girl a 'sad book,'" he remarked; "she has been after me ever since I arrived for a 'sad book.' Have you anything sufficiently mournful?"
Miss Grant thought she could supply the need, but Fernald did not learn what the book was, for, as she came back from the shelves, she remarked:
"I am afraid that boy needs watching. He comes here only for mischief—never takes any books." ”

“ But the ghost of contemporary fiction is as obscure as Henry James. He is a kind of disembodied idea; he never groans, nor clanks chains; and you cannot be sure whether he is a ghost, or a psychological suggestion, or a slight attack of malarial fever. In nothing is the degeneracy and effeminacy of our literature more apparent than in its anæmic ghosts. [51] Hashimura Togo says that "when a Negro janitor sees a ghost, he are a superstition; but when a college professor sees one, he are a scientific phenomenon." ”

“ Once or twice members of the French nobility have appeared in another capacity than that of advance agent of wickedness. It is time to call a halt, or the first thing we know someone will write a book with a virtuous Russian prince in it.
The line must be drawn somewhere. The mission of Russia in English literature is to furnish tall, smooth, diabolical persons, devoted to vodka, absinthe, oppression of the peasantry, cultivation of a black beard, and general cussedness. We foresee that the novelists will soon have to draw upon Japan for their villains. ”

“ The one thing worth living for, in their estimation, is to gather a group of weeping relatives and the minister about their beds on a beautiful morning in June, and then pass serenely away, uttering sentiments of such lofty morality that even the minister feels abashed. ”

“ The modern substitute for the real thing is like offering a seat in a trolley car to someone who has been used to a sedan chair. The modern ghost is a ready-made product of a psychological laboratory, [50] and you know that his Bertillon measurements are filed away in a card-catalogue somewhere. ”

“ The really learned heroine has gone for good. She is as rare as the megatherium. Her successors—the women who can discuss a little politics, or who know something about literature—are only collateral descendants. There is some doubt about even that degree of kinship. They are not the real things. ”

“ Miss Grant: "I'm sure we have some other books that he'll like better than 'The Leopard's Spots.' That is not a [256] child's book—there is a copy at the central library, but it is not kept in the children's room. Wouldn't you like—"
The resolute-looking woman: "No, I wouldn't. I know what I want. I'm his mother, and I guess I know what's what. You needn't try to dictate to me. Have you got it here or haven't you? That's all I want to know. I can't find it over there on those shelves."
Miss Grant: "No; we have not." ”

“ The learned heroine of the old books talked as no one can talk now, except, possibly, [48] a Radcliffe girl with a blue book in front of her, the clock pointing to a quarter of twelve, and a realization that a failure to get B minus in the exam. will make it impossible for her to secure a degree in three years.
The saintly children of the old fiction are perhaps the offspring of the learned heroine and Mr. Montmorency. Certainly such a marriage would result in children of no commonplace type. These, however, tend not so much to scholarship as to good behavior. ”

“ The latter ... why!" broke out Jane, "she goes on about Delphiniums now, and doesn't tell any more about sunflowers!"
"Do you mean to say," I asked—and there was a hard, steely ring in my voice, [36] "do you mean to say that Mrs. Bunkum does not tell how deep I am to plant these cussed seeds?"
Jane was about to laugh or to cry—I am not sure which.
"Not a word more than what I read," she answered.
"Jane," I said solemnly and firmly, "go into the house. What is going to happen is not a fit sight for your eyes. Praise be, that book is mine, and not the library's, and I can deal with it justly. ”

“ The old gentleman: "Well, he is! Your librarian ought to be told of this. Where is he? I shall enter a complaint."
A woman with poppies on her hat: "How do you do, Miss Vanderpyl? You're looking so well! You've quite recovered from that dreadful illness you had last fall? I'm so glad! Now, I've brought you something."
(She extends an envelope, which Miss V., who has a book in one hand, and a combination pencil and dating-stamp in the other, takes between the last two fingers of her right hand.) ”

“ The agent looked important.
"They were invented," he explained, "by Professor Dufunnie, the great psychologist. They are a practical application [4] of psychology. Let me show you how they are used. Allow me—I will take this book—the 'Letters of Junius,' and attach the interest gauge. Here in the back, you see, the gauge is invisible to the reader. You will notice now, if you look through the glass, that the gauge marks zero. No one is reading the book, we have not even opened it, and the human mind is not acting upon the book. ”

“ I remembered that I had never for a moment been in doubt, when I made up my list, of including Browning. I had read, twenty years ago, the 'Dramatic Lyrics,' with the greatest of pleasure, but the longer poems had seemed to me rather dull, and indeed a large proportion [122] of the poet's work was intensely irritating to me on account of its needless and exasperating obscurity. At the time I did not consider this a cause for worry. Browning was a great poet—everyone said so; his treasures did not lie on the surface—one must dive below in order to find the rich pearls which lay concealed there. ”

“ As I go over my reading for the past five years at Upidee, in what do I find it to consist? First, the literature and text-books of my profession. Second, current books—history, biography, art criticism, and an infrequent novel or book of verse. There are not many living novelists or poets that I care about. ”

“ During the past fifteen years American fiction has gone through two epochs—the Gadzooks school and the B'Gosh school.
It is now congealed in what may be called the Ten Below Zero School. Any constant reader of the magazines has to keep on his ulster, ear-tabs, mittens and gum-shoes, from one year's end to another. It never thaws. Loggers, miners, trappers, explorers—any kind of persons so long as they dwell in the frozen north—are what the magazine writer adores.
One of Kipling's characters says that there's never a law of God or man runs north of 53. ”

“ Anthony Gooch, "and if his trustees will let him spend the money, I suppose I ought not mind. Still I do hate to think of the name of Gooch being connected with a fraudulent collection."
I agreed that it was distressing, and remarked that I thought it curious that [280] one brother should be a collector and the other have no interest in that kind of hobby. For Anthony Gooch's library is remarkably free from all items that appeal merely to the bibliomaniac. His books are beautiful, but they are to be read, and Mr. Gooch has read them. He owns no unopened copies, nor any such nonsense. ”

“ Martha Matilda Bunkum was the full name, and I was further privileged to learn that she was born in 1851. Everyone knows Mrs. Bunkum's two great works: "Handy Hints for Hillside Gardens," and "Care and Cultivation of Crocuses." Now, it seemed, she had accumulated all her horticultural wisdom into one book, which was called "The Gardener's Guide, or a Vade Mecum of Useful Information for Amateur Gardeners, by Martha Matilda Bunkum." The Library of Congress card went on to say that the book was published in New York, by the [20] well-known firm of Ponsonby, Perks & Co., in the year 1911. ”

“ A serious-faced man, evidently a workingman in his best clothes: "Haven't you got the Encyclopædia Britannica here? I can't find it on those tables."
A girl of twelve: "Teacher, I want Tolstoi's 'Little Women.'"
A deeply irritated man: "Look here, I'd like to know what this means! D'ye see this postal? Well, look there: 'Please return Evans's 'A Sailor's Log' which is charged on your card. The fine amounts to twenty cents.' I ain't never had no book outer this place!"
Miss Grant: "Perhaps you took it from the central library, or one of the other branches?" ”

“ You can get story books on the white card, but the other is for non-fiction."
"What's that?"
"Oh, school books, an' a lot of rotten things like that."
"What do yer want them for?"
"You don't want 'em—excep' a few of 'em. 'The American Boy's Handy Book' is one of 'em. That's all right. Most of 'em are bum. But if you take 'em, it makes a hit with the teacher. They want yer to read 'em. I got a prize last winter for readin' more'n any other feller that comes to the liberry." ”

“ A small boy: "Say, teacher, come over here an' make this feller give me my book."
Another small boy: "Aw, I ain't got his book."
First small boy: "Yes, yer have, too!"
The other small boy: "No, I ain't—"
His remarks end in a yelp as the elbow of the first boy goes home in his ribs. The two clinch, and fall over a settee, from which they are pulled up and separated by Mr. Fernald. The young lady in search of slumming experiences observes that another small boy is experimenting with a penful of red ink, while Miss Grant's back is turned, to see how far he can flip the ink. ”

“ Miss V.: "Who was the author—who wrote it?"
(The confidential man is now convinced that Miss V., for some playful reason of her own, is merely trying to keep him at the desk,—that she has the book within reach, but chooses to be kittenish about it. He smiles pleasantly at her.)
The confidential man: "Lord, I dunno!—Just let me have it, will yer?" (He is still quite agreeable—as if he were saying: "Come, come, young lady, I know it's very nice to string out this conversation, [225] but, after all, business is business! Let me have my book, for I must be going.") ”

“ Hotspur pitched a fair game. The greatest difference came in the defensive work of the teams. The Boys went through without a break.
Tom Jones had a case of the wabbles for The Old Men, and there was a lot of uncertainty about the work of the infield because of the breaks he made. The outfielders for The Old Men were also having trouble fielding the ball clean and throwing to the plate.
Sam Weller was the one chap on his team who was going at speed. He pulled off one play which belongs in the Hall of Fame, Joe Harper losing a hit and The Boys two runs as a result. ”

“ Here, the fact that their feet were on their native heath, the familiar noises of wagons and clanging trolley cars outside, and the hubbub of the gymnasium below, all conspired to make the children a little more restless.
Fernald listened to Miss Grant, who sat at the desk with fifteen girls and boys [253] and one or two older persons around her. The older ones were parents or friends who lived in the neighborhood and frequented the library. Miss Grant was discharging the books as they were returned, charging new ones, and incidentally acting as literary adviser and bureau of information. ”

“ He doesn't come in here to play in the gymnasium—which is what he needs—nor to read. He comes into the library every week just to raise the devil. This was the first time he had ever touched a book—when he picked up one to lambaste these boys with it. ”

“ The idea that there are as many books as that in the whole world, to say nothing of one library, strikes him as it would if Miss V. should tell him that she is the rightful Queen of England.)
Miss V.: "Can't you tell me about the book,—what it was about, I mean?"
The confidential man (beginning to [226] lose his patience, at last) : "About? Why, it was about a lot of things!"
Miss V.: "Was it fiction—a novel?"
The confidential man: "Huh?"
Miss V.: "Was it a story? or a book of travels—"
(The confidential man gazes at her with oystery eyes. Suddenly he becomes more animated.) ”

“ When I began my researches in your library, six days ago, I presented letters to Dr. Pierce. He very kindly installed me in an alcove, where he had placed a table and chairs, and where he allowed me to assemble the books needed in my studies—some one hundred and thirty or forty volumes. These, together with my papers and writing materials, are permitted to remain on the table from one day to another, as obviously it would be inconvenient for me to have to call for them each morning.
It is my custom to begin work at nine o'clock every day, and to continue (save for an hour at noon) until 6 p.m. ”

“ And not one but has figured in some scene in literature. I have spent fifteen years in assembling [282] this collection, and—well, I prize it highly. That is one of the reasons why it disgusts me to have my brother Percival waste his time over that ridiculous aggregation of animals, so many of which are sheer frauds. It tends to bring my collection of weapons under suspicion, and I do not need to say that I cannot bear to have anyone doubt the absolute authenticity of my treasures. If you feel any doubt about them I wish you would say so now, and we will go back to the library. ”

“ There is one other phase of the making of villains which deserves consideration. That is, their nationality.
Once you had only to know that the man who appeared at Chapter III., twirling his moustache and making polite speeches, was a French count or a Russian prince, to be sure that on him would fall the responsible post of chief villain during the rest of the story.
If the novel were written in America, an English lord could be added to the list. The titled foreigner, whatever he might be, was expected to try to elope with the heroine, for the sake of her money. ”

“ The alcove next to mine was visited by a succession of incongruous, inconsequent persons whose conversation made it utterly impossible for me to work. A complaint to Miss Mayhew, the assistant in charge of the library, elicited the fact that conversation is allowed in this alcove.
It is out of the question for me to move my work, as an inspection of the building has shown that there is no other spot where the light suits my eyes. ”

“ Why doesn't she call 'em sunflowers? There, page 189. This is what Mrs. Bunkum says: 'The Helianthus Grandiflora, or common sunflower, is one of the most attractive and satisfactory of the perennials. Nothing is so suitable to place against a wall, or to employ to cover a shed or any other unattractive feature of the landscape. The stalks grow sometimes as high as eight to ten feet and bloom from July to September. It is well not to plant Delphiniums too near the Helianthus, as the shade from the former is too intense and it would not do to risk spoiling the lovely blossoms of the Delphinium. ”