George V. Hobart

“ I was anxious to make Clara Jane think that she was all the money, so I boiled out a few plunks, trotted over to the trolley, and rushed her to the race track.
I'm a dub on the dope, but it was my play to be a Wise Boy among the skates on this particular occasion, and I went the whole distance.
In the presence of my lady love I knew every horse that ever pulled a harrow.
Isn't it cruel how a slob will cut the guy-ropes and go up in the air just because his Baby is by his side? ”

“ Bud bunches his hits on the bell and the low-forehead has a Fitzsimmons hug on the order when Ikey Mincenpizenstein crawls into the harbor and drops anchor at our table.
I don't know how Ikey ever pressed close enough to get on Bud's staff.
Ikey is a lazy loosener.
When the waiter deals out the check Ikey is the busiest talker in the bunch.
Whenever he passes a bank he takes off his hat and walks on his toes.
He's the sort of a Sim Dempsey who sheds in-growing tears every time anybody spends money in his neighborhood. ”

“ A bunch of brisk boys—believe me!
"A bunch of brisk boys—believe me!"
Nick Dalrymple, Tod Stone, Slim Barnes—say! do you remember Slim?
Travels for a clothing house in Cincinnati and they call him Slim because he's so fat that every time he turns around he meets himself coming back.
He's all to the good—that boy is!
And such a cut-up!
Slim knows more "look-out!—there's - a - lady - over - there!" stories than any other drummer in the business.
Nick goes after the gilt things for a hardware house in Columbus and he knows everybody in the world—bar no one living. ”

“ If Clara Jane had heard him my finish would have hopped over the fence then and there.
But she didn't, so I introduced them and quietly tipped Bud off to the fact that it will be a case of wedding bells when Willie gets a wad—be nice! be nice!
And Bud woke up to the occasion.
"You to the carryall!" he said. "I'll float you down to Muttheimer's and we'll get busy with the beans!"
"He's out to cough for a few cookies," I explained to Clara Jane.
"I never heard of Muttheimer's before," said Clara Jane, on the side.
"You luck has given you a thrown-down," I said. ”

“ I said to myself.
"Pretty Boy can stop in the stretch to do a song and dance and still win by a bunch of houses," Harry informed me.
I began to think hard.
"Don't miss it," said Harry. "It's a moral that if you play him you'll die rich and disgraced, like our friend Andy, the Hoot Mon!"
When I got back to the stand I had a preoccupied air.
The five-spot in my jeans was crawling around and begging for a change of scene.
When Clara Jane asked me how much I had bet on the race just about to start I could only think of $900. ”

“ Clara Jane spent the summer once at Sag Harbor and she's been a subscriber for The Young Ladies' Home Companion, but outside of these her young life has been devoid of excitement.
A few days ago I took her to the matinee at "The New York" where you have to pinch off only 50 cents and then you're entitled to slosh around in parlor furniture and eat up about $8 worth of comedy.
That "New York" thing is immense—believe me!
Everything else has faded away.
After the show we thought we'd pat the pave for a few blocks and who should we run into but Bud Phillips. ”

“ Slim turned the gas on to the limit about hypnotizing a John Wanamaker merchant prince in Pikesville, Indiana, to the extent of $200 for open-work socks, farmer's size, and Todd Stone sent his balloon up by telling us how he sold the Siegel-Coopers of Bugsport, Iowa, $300 worth of Panama hats for horses.
The Hot Air Association was in full session when Buck Jones caromed over from the other end of the car and weighed-in with us.
Buck is a sweller.
He thinks he strikes twelve on all occasions, but his clock is all to the bad.
Buck isn't a drummer—nay! nay! take back your gold! ”

“ The man who helped to make Weehawken famous had his head out the window watching for an ice-wagon, and Mrs. Brewer was industriously muttering "Du bist ein Narr. Du bist ein Narr!"
Just then the train pulled out and saved our lives.
Nick, Tod, Slim and I went over near the water-cooler to rest up, and in a minute the three of them were fanning each other with fairy tales about the goods they sold.
I'll back these three boys to dream longer than any other drummers on the track.
It's a pipe that they can sell bills to each other all day and never wake up. ”

“ It is Willie's joy and delight to get a ginger ale bun on and recite "'Ostler Joe."
When trained down to 95 flat Willie can get up and beat the clapper off "Curfew Shall Not Ring To-night."
When Willie gets a strangle hold on "Sheridan's Ride" you can hear horses galloping outside.
It's the rest of the community getting out of harm's way.
"Any mail?" inquired Willie.
All the mail that Willie ever gets is a postal card from the pickle factory every two weeks asking him if the people along his route have all lost their appetites.
"No literature for you," Steve answered. ”

“ Willie tore off a short rabbit laugh and then inquired what time the next train left for New York.
The pickle factory expects Willie to make Pocomoke City, Squashtown Junction and Nubbinsville before next Sunday, so he tossed the train gag out just to show Steve that he knows there's a place called New York.
"At 7.45 over the D. L. & Q," said Steve.
"What's the next?" inquired Willie.
"At 8.10 over the H. B. & N.," Steve answered.
"Which gets there first?" Willie asked.
"The engineer," sighed Steve.
"Oh, you droll chap!" said the pickle pusher; "give me some toothpicks." ”

“ The Burnish Brothers part their hair in the middle and always do "The Washington Post" march on their mandolins for an encore.
If Mr. Sousa ever catches them there'll be a couple of shine chord-squeezers away to the bad.
When the Burnish Brothers took a bow and backed off we were all invited to listen to a soprano solo by Miss Imogene Lukewarm.
Somebody went around and locked the doors, so I made up my mind to die game.
A foolish friend once told Imogene she could sing, so she went out and bought up a bunch of tra-la-la's and began to beat them around the parlor. ”

“ Then he'd press money in the waiter's hand and wait for his music cue.
Clara Jane had about decided that Bohemia was away up stage, but I wouldn't let go. I wanted her to get the lesson of her life, and that's where my finish began to get busy.
Tom Barclay waltzed into the subway, saw me and in a minute he was making the break of his life.
"Why, hello, John Henry!" said Tom, "say, I saw her to-day—and she's immense! You've got a great eye, old man!" ”

“ She thought she was in Bohemia and having the time of her life, so I let her dream.
In the meantime Bud was busy trying to put out the fire in the well Ikey used for a neck.
Every time a waiter looked over at out table Bud's roll would blaze up.
Clara Jane concluded she'd broaden out a bit on Art and the Old Masters so she asked Ikey if he liked Rembrandt. ”

“ Then Sledgeheimer went away back and sat down.
The laugh was on Slim so he got busy with the button.
JOHN HENRY IN BOHEMIA.
Boys! let me put you wise! If you want to keep off the griddle don't ever try to show your shy little lady friend how the birdies sing in "Bohemia."
You'll get stung if you do.
For the past six months Clara Jane has been handing out hints that she'd like to have me take her down the line and let her Oh, listen to the band! in one of those real devilish New York restaurants. ”

“ I whip-sawed him with a whistling specialty entitled, "Why Don't You Get a Lady of Your Own?" and he promised to be good.
After we trailed over the mountains, through seven farms, across three rivers, up the valley and down the railroad, we finally reached the end of the links and took the steamer back to mother.
Clara Jane says golf would be a great game if it wasn't so far from home. ”

“ He's such a stingy loosener that he looks at you with one eye so's not to waste the other.
If you ask Sledgeheimer what time it is he takes off four minutes as his commission for telling you.
"Barnes," said Sledgeheimer, "do you smoke?" ”

“ Clara Jane could have made it in 84, but she used up her nerve watching a cow in the lot about two miles away.
My lady friend is a quitter when it comes to cows.
Then we decided to stop playing and walk around the links just so we could say that we had seen most of the United States of America. ”

“ And now Sledgeheimer had asked Barnes if he smoked.
Slim was pale but game.
"Sometimes!" he answered.
"Do you like a goot seegar?" queried Sledgeheimer.
We looked for the engine to hit a cow any minute now.
"Sure!" said Slim, weak all over.
"Vell," said Sledgeheimer, "here is my brudder-in-law's card. He makes dot Grass Vidow seegar on Sigsth Afenue. Gif him a call und mention my name. He vill be glat to see you, yet." ”