Louis J. Stellman

“ The mannish woman wears a coat and vest and—no, she doesn't wear trousers, because she doesn't dare, but a vertical strip of braid down the middle of her skirt suggests the effect. From a distance you couldn't distinguish between her and a man to save your life, for her hat, shirt-bosom, collar and tie are the real thing. She has pockets in her skirt, one on each side, and, sometimes at the club, [pg 33] she puts her hands in them and, with arms akimbo, admires herself in the glass. At the club also she does other things to show how independent she is. ”

“ Then there is the ideal, which is even more perishable, but can fortunately be replaced when it breaks—for it does not wear out. Like a Prince Rupert drop, it is just as good as new until something steps on its tail, and then there is nothing left but a noise and a disturbed atmospheric condition. ”

“ Many men have said to Fame and Wisdom, 'Let me look upon your face and die'; many have come to view their Gorgon features and cheerfully paid the price, and still more have perished miserably on the way. ”

“ But there is one thing which Science cannot tackle with any degree of success, and that is the weather problem.
"The gift of weather prophecy goes with rheumatism and not with government appointment. The barometer and the anemometer are not in it with a touch of gout, a sailor's superstitions or a farmer's [pg 20] instinct, and, until the Department of Agriculture realizes this, the weather forecast will have no practical value except as an interesting bit of fiction.
"I once heard of a man who was 'salivated' in a quicksilver mine, and who, as a result, turned into a living barometer. ”

“ After a fellow's ideal, explodes he generally idles away his time pitying himself and saying sarcastic things about the entire human race, until he achieves a local reputation as a cynic. When in this state of mind there is no use in telling him that he is not the only original possessor of a bona fide broken ideal. ”

“ Why, man alive! what would become of the human race without tobacco? It is the grease which lubricates the Wheel of Evolution. Since the time of Sir Walter Raleigh civilization has advanced more rapidly by one hundred per cent. Nearly all great inventors, artists and writers owe their inspiration to the pipe.
"A very successful newspaper man whom I know has four different pipes and each serves a special purpose. ”

“ A new girl had been installed in a telephone office without proper instructions—a most unprecedented case. A bookkeeper, grown gray in the service of a large mercantile house, picked up his receiver wearily. It rang the new girl's bell, and like a flash, she said, 'Hello.' The bookkeeper gasped. ”

“ Happiness is an iridescent dream. Go and leave me to my fate! 'Then he'll heave a sigh which he thinks comes from a broken heart, but which really emanates from a dyspeptic condition, caused by lack of exercise. After a while he finds that this brand of romance is an overcrowded field and that he doesn't get sufficient sympathy to make it pay. When he realizes that he is up against the competitive system good and hard, he bids a fond farewell to sentiment and goes to work. ”

“ The average horse doesn't need to be guided when he sees another horse coming the other way. He swerves to the right, as naturally as a bull-dog chases a tramp. What does the average man do when he suddenly meets another coming hurriedly in an opposite direction? ”

“ If we really wish to decrease and discourage vice, however, let us go about it in a logical manner and hold up a terrible example to those premeditating crime. The prisoner should be visited by none but religious advisers of every denomination, except on certain days when free admittance should be granted to sketch artists, camera fiends, elocutionists and young authors. All newspaper articles relating to his case should be carefully suppressed ”

“ I have known men who gained international renown for their strategy and 'sang froid' on the battlefield; men whose calmness and deliberation have averted many a financial crisis and men whose marvelous executive capacity and keen insight into human affairs have won them great fortunes. ”

“ The Mannish Woman.
"I don't want to achieve a reputation as a 'knocker,'" said the Observer, knitting his brow thoughtfully, "but, I nevertheless, aver and maintain that the national evil of this great land is the mannish woman.
"No, I don't mean the woman who can earn a living in some professional pursuit that has hitherto been monopolized by men. Why, with our male milliners, dressmakers, cooks, and what not, she has been driven to it by man himself. ”

“ If there is, I know lots of men who would enter upon a life of crime rather than take a chance of going there when they die. I think there is a special place in Hades, where the mannish woman will be made to wear a mother-hubbard and let down her back hair. ”

“ Science and Weather.
"Science," said the Observer, "is a great thing and applicable to almost every line of endeavor. You can kill people in a scientific manner—witness the late Madame Borgia and others. You can shoe a horse scientifically, beg scientifically or hypnotize a squalling infant into innocuous quietude by the aid of science. ”

“ Had it not been for a recent visit to a medium, I should never have learned many important truths which affect me very closely. In the first place I should not have known that I have a little brother and sister in 'spirit life.' I had always considered myself an only child and all of my relatives and friends cherished the same illusion. ”

“ Drawbacks of the King Business.
"No," said the Observer, thoughtfully, "I never cherished dreams of inordinate wealth or power; there's nothing in it. If a man is satisfied to reach a moderate altitude he may enjoy it unmolested, but if he succeeds in scaling some remarkable height, there immediately arises an army of envious cranks ready to take his life or make it so miserable for him that he will be glad to sell out at half price and gratefully descend into the obscurity from which he rose. ”

“ It is a distinctive cast of features, too, which can readily be distinguished from any other by one who can read faces at all.
"The dyspeptic has a 'face.' His expression is fitful and disgruntled, but underlying it is a gleam [pg 70] of hope; the insolvent man, harassed by creditors, has another well-defined type of facial mold. It is haunted and worried, with a tinge of defiance in it; the owner of the 'bicycle face' has his features set in lines of deadly resolution; the 'golf face' displays fanatical enthusiasm and a puzzled look resulting from a struggle with the vocabulary of the game ”

“ As if Providence didn't have it all fixed for him.'"
[pg 27]
"In some ways the average man hasn't the sense of the average horse," said the Observer, taking a shot at the cuspidor and looking thoroughly disgusted. "Horse sense is a brand of intelligence immeasurably above that displayed by human beings under certain conditions. No, I'm not suffering from dyspepsia or gout—I've simply been watching people as they try to pass each other in halls and doorways, and on the street. ”

“ There are many things which come with fame besides public adulation; they are material things and have a certain commercial as well as sentimental value, such as soap and corsets, patent medicines, face powder, vapor baths, books, cigars, corned beef, fountain pens, and patented trouser hangers. ”

“ She wouldn't take a man's arm for the world, which is perhaps fortunate, for she seldom gets a chance. But she likes to talk to a man about the races and exhibit her knowledge of baseball slang.
"A friend of mine has an elderly sister who is a mannish woman. Contrary to the popular belief, she never borrows his neckties or collars, but perhaps this may be accounted for by the fact that Fred is rather stout in the neck and seldom wears a tie. ”

“ When this 'ne plus ultra' is reached, a quick curtain is dropped over his career, and he lives in the memory of countless thousands as a martyred hero of the most splendid moral and mental attainments. ”

“ Ambitions and Things.
"Ambition is a good thing," said the Observer, deftly flicking the ash from his cigar. "It provides one with a certain amount of incentive which may prove useful in developing latent resources, but it ought to be carried about in a glass case and labeled, 'Handle with care.'
"Cæsar had an ambition, but he overworked it with disastrous effect. ”

“ It is interesting to watch young women, just after they lose an ideal. They generally have more time to indulge the 'broken heart' idea and do it so much more scientifically than men. It is very effective to lounge about in a darkened room, wearing a pale, hopeless expression and [pg 68] picturesque négligée. They usually read Faust and Dante's Inferno and think how sweet it is to suffer. ”

“ The barkeeper thought it was for Fred's club so he made it good and stiff. It was an innocuous looking mixture and tasted innocent enough, so the club women said it was 'bully' and partook freely.
"About twelve o'clock that night, somebody telephoned for Fred to come quick. Just exactly [pg 35] what happened, Fred never would tell, but it cost him about $40 for cab fares and an equal amount to keep it out of the papers. Now, whenever one of the club women sees him, she crosses the street.
"I don't believe there is any province in Heaven for the mannish woman. ”

“ Now, students of psychology say that, in time, the human body will become so refined that it will be able to absorb [pg 44] all necessary nourishment from 'universal life,' and need not gorge itself with animal or vegetable organisms. ”

“ As soon as a man gets his name in print a few times he is deluged with samples by every manufacturer in the country. I know an actor who hasn't bought a cake of toilet soap since [pg 60] he began to play leading parts. All he's got to do is to write a testimonial for some new brand, saying he would use no other, and he gets a case ”

“ From the sentence to the finish, the murderer's life is one bed of roses. Every pretty girl who visits the prison brings him flowers and sweets, and begs eagerly for his autograph; great authors write books about him ”

“ A 'harikari' sentence saves the nation much trouble and expense. A coroner's verdict of 'suicide by request,' is much more simple, and just as good as a lengthy criminal prosecution, besides affording the transgressor a choice of weapons. He may prefer a strychnine sandwich to the rope, or an unobtrusive blow-out-the-gas transition to the electric chair; he may choose to loiter carelessly in the path of a metropolitan trolley car ”

“ Congress ought to pass an appropriation for the purpose of teaching people how to pass each other. If the surplus energy and brainwork consumed in this task under present methods were applied to some more useful purpose, a great reform movement would have been inaugurated. ”

“ Well, that shows that your powers of perception are not particularly acute. The telephone face is no longer a physiognomical freak, but a prevalent expression among the several thousand unfortunate clerks and business men who find extensive use for the telephone necessary. ”

“ It wouldn't take a Sherlock Holmes to discover that I had the camera craze, would it?
"The other day I went into a photographic supply house to look at some of their cameras and the clerk sold me one of the kind that 'a child can operate.' He didn't say where the child was to be found, but I have since concluded that it must be a very remarkable specimen of the infant prodigy, and is probably touring the country as a dime museum attraction on the strength of its wonderful abilities. ”

“ The Theosophists say that every soul must pass through a certain number of experiences, before it can attain perfection. Now, here's a chance for some unfortunate scion of wealth or nobility, who has lived a useless and uneventful life, and wants to do something for his country. ”

“ A Wonderful Machine.
"I see by one of the papers that a Chinaman has invented a typewriter which writes in the Celestial language," said the Observer, handing the bootblack a nickel and shaking hands with the crowd. "This bright Oriental, who is known as Tap-Key, has undertaken a very large contract, for the Chinese language, as most people know, is composed entirely of word symbols, each of which represents a word; some combining to form other words, as for instance, a square represents a field, and a combination of 'man' and 'field' signifies a farmer ”

“ When this fact becomes generally known, people will donate their funds to charitable institutions and move to the country to raise future presidents, senators and merchant princes; there will be an epidemic of suicide among the idle rich, and the birth-rate of our rural districts will increase a hundredfold; the population of cities will be sadly decimated ”

“ I took the camera home with me and carefully assimilated the printed instructions which accompanied it, fixed up a dark room in the woodshed and then sauntered proudly back with my machine under my arm to photograph the baby. ”

“ Many persons are particular upon these subjects and, if the individual liberty, which is the watchword of our nation, is to be preserved, some license should be allowed even a felon under such conditions. ”

“ He may not be known to half a hundred people before he tries this wonderful stimulant; but after he takes half a dozen bottles and is 'snatched from the jaws of death,' his name and features become familiar to several millions of people. I know a carpenter in a northern county who resorted to this method and was so well advertised that, when the national representative for that district died, B—— was nominated for Congress and elected by a big majority.
"There is a saying that 'some men are born [pg 62] great ”