Marietta Holley

“ No other man’s linement can ever look to me like my Doodle’s linement.
Sam. But the Elder has belated us dreadfully with our Monday’s work. Here it is most night and we have only fairly got to work. But we can finish it in the morning. Yes, as I was a saying Tirzah Ann, Betsey hain’t handsome, her cheek bones are too high, and she, being not much more than skin and bone, they show more than if she was in good order. Time has seen fit to deprive her of her hair and teeth, but her large nose he has kindly suffered her to keep. ”

“ Betsey Bobbett has led ’em into one house where they had the small-pox, and one where they was makin’ preparations for a funeral. They are perfect nusances. It stands to reason so long as anybody has got a tongue, if they want to see their friends to their house, they can invite ’em, and if anybody is too poor to bake a cake or two, and a pan of cookies, they are too poor to go into company at all. ”

“ Sweating children is more or less depressing in its effects, and I felt that I needed all my youthful spirits and energies to support the weight of dignity that will enwrap me on this occasion like a mantilly.
Mrs. Peedick. I sweat Doodle when he had the very oh lord, till the sweat run right off his linement, and blistered both his feet till he couldn’t stand up on em; and I shall probably try to make Elder Peedick jest as comfortable when he is sick. But, oh Doodle, Doodle; your relict never can forget you, never. ”

“ Men are offish and bashful and do not always know what is best for them. I have seen horses hang back in the harness before now; I have seen geese that would not walk up to be picked; I have seen children hang back from pikery. The horses ought to be made to go; the geese ought to be held and picked; the children ought to take the pikery if you have to hold their noses to make them. The editor of the Augur needs a companion, and I am going to encourage that man to-morrow night, and I want to know Josiah Allen’s wife, if you will stand by me?
Sam. You know, Betsey, that I can’t run ”

“ But when a woman sells herself, swops her purity, her self-respect, her truth and her soul, for any kind of barter, such as a home, a few thousand dollars, the name of being married, a horse and buggy, some jewelry, etc.; and not only sells herself, but worse than the Turk wimmen, goes ’round herself hunting up a buyer: crazy, wild-eyed, afraid she won’t find none. ”

“ Now I say a woman hadn’t ort to marry unless she has a man to marry to—a man whose love satisfies her head and her heart; some men’s love hain’t worth nothin’. I wouldn’t give a cent a bushel for it by the car load. But I mean a man that suits her; a man she seems to belong to, just like North and South America jined by nater, unbeknown to them ever since creation. She’ll know him if she ever sees him, jest as I knew my Josiah, for their two hearts will suit each other jest like the two halves of a pair of shears. ”

“ And wandering from the fold. (Widder Doodle sitting in the corner weeps and says:) Oh how much that sheep makes me think of Doodle.
All Sing.
Oh yes, pre-sum-shu-ous we are,
And blind, and halt, and lame.
We all are mean—
We all are mean—
We all are meaning to be good,
But nothing can we claim Peedick. We will now sing the verse which Miss Bobbett composed for her own private devotions, but which she kindly permits the quire to use. She says it should be sung with great expression and feeling. (Betsey, who has been weeping gets up and sings this.) ”

“ Jos. No; I will stand by you and be cheerful. Doctor Bombus said you must be kept perfectly quiet, and I must be cheerful before you; it is my duty, and I will be.
Sam. It seems to me I should like some lemonade, if the lemons wasn’t all used up.
Jos. I will harness up the old mare and start for Jonesville, and get you some. (He goes out, but comes back and puts his head inside the door and laughs loud)
Enter Betsey. ”

“ There is a whole house-full of folks on the door-step. (Tirzah Ann and the Widder Doodle runs out of the room, as the door opens, and ten or fifteen people come in, headed by Betsey Bobbett. Josiah tries to fix his shirt and vest round his shoulders before they get in but he can’t, so he dives under the table. Samantha stands her ground. She stands up and confronts them.) ”

“ These are the marriages heaven signs the certificuts of; and this marryin’ for a home, or for fear of bein’ called a old maid is no more marriage in the sight of God, no more true marriage than the blush of a fashionable woman that is bought for ten cents an ounce and carried home in her pocket, is true modesty.
Elder. I can only repeat what I said yesterday in my 21stly. That it is flyin’ in the face of the Bible for a woman not to marry. It is heaven’s design that women should be a vine, and man a tree.
Wid. D. I always thought my Doodle was a tree. ”

“ Peedick. I know there is another spear and I try to hang my hopes up on it, a spear where hired girls are unknown and partings are no more.
Wid. D. I can’t bear hired girls.
Peedick. You look like the corpse; you do look like her, I see it plainer and plainer. And oh, what a woman that was, she knew her place so well; she always said wimmen wasn’t equal to men. You couldn’t have hired her to have had rights. She always said wimmin was too delicate and feeble to have rights; she said that she had rather dig potatoes any day than to have ’em. She could dig potatoes as fast as a man. ”

“ No, Tirzah Ann, sentiment hain’t my style; reason and common sense are my themes. Now there is Betsey Bobbett: she is one of the sentimentolest creeters that ever I did see. She is awful opposed to women’s rights. She says it looks so sweet and genteel, somehow, for wimmin to not have any rights. She says it is wimmen’s only spear to marry. But as yet she hain’t found 4any man willin’ to lay hold of that spear with her. But she is always a talking about how sweet it is for wimmin to be like runnin’ vines, a clingin’ to man like ivy to a tree. ”

“ And now I have got these twins on my hands, all this carpet yarn to double, blank verses, ahead on me, and dinner to get, and now I am called on to be a poultice. What has my sect done that they have got to be lacerator-soothers and poultices, when they have got everything else under the sun to do. Everybody says that men are stronger than wimmen, and why should they be treated like glass-china, liable to break to pieces every minute? And if they have got to be soothed, why can’t they git some man to soothe ’em? They have as much agin time as wimmen have. ”

“ D. I know Doodle would. He had to have jest what he wanted to eat at jest the time he wanted it, or it would give him the palsy; he never had the palsy, but he always said that all that kept him from it was havin’ meat vittles, or anything else he wanted, jest the minute he wanted it. Oh, what a man that was; what a linement he had on him. It hain’t no ways likely I shall ever marry agin. No, I shan’t never see another man whose linement will look to me like Mr. Doodlese’s linement.
Sam. Yes, Betsey, I believe a man would take the supper instead of the smile. ”

“ When a widder man or a widder woman, embarks on a new voyage, let ’em burn the ship behind ’em that they sailed round in, in their former voyages. This trying to be a pardner and a mourner at one time is gaulin’ to man or woman. Mournin’ for Doodle was jest as honorable as anything could be; marryin’ Elder Peedick was another honorable job, and you ort to made up your mind which business would be the most happyfyin’ and proftable to you, and then foller it up with a willin’ mind, but don’t try to do both. Betsey, we will be here in good season. ”

“ D. Oh, Doodle! Doodle! if you was alive you would tell your widder what to do to do right.
Peedick. Widder, I am a layin’ on your feet, and my property, my land, my live stock, my housen and my housen 32stuff, are all a layn’ on ’em. Make up your mind at once, for if you don’t consent, I have got other views ahead of me which must be seen to at once. Time is hastenin’ and the world is full of willin’ wimmen. Widder what do you say?
Wid. D. Wall, I have got kinder out the habit of marryin’, it comes kinder natural to me, and your linement looks a good deal like Doodle’s linement. ”

“ If there hain’t anything pleasant in a man’s home how can he be attached to it? Nobody can’t, man nor women, respect what hain’t respectable, nor love what 10hain’t lovable. Of course men have to be corrected sometimes. ”

“ Mebby she’ll marry the editor of the Augur. She is payin’ attention to him.
Simon. No; she won’t get him; I shall be the one, I always was the one. It has always been so, if there was ever a underlin’ and a victim wanted, I was that underlin’ and that victim. And Betsey Bobbett will get round me yet, you see if she don’t.
Sam. Cheer up, Simon Slimpsey; folks hain’t obleeged to marry if they don’t want to.
Simon. Yes they be; if folks get round ’em. Hain’t you seen her verses in last week’s Augur? ”

“ It hain’t no better than fallin’ into the creek.
Bet. Some of us married folks feel differently, Josiah Allen’s wife. Let me read to you a short poem of 20 or 30 verses written recently by a married woman, by she that was formerly Betsey Bobbett, now Mrs. Simon Slimpsey. I am to read it to the reception to-night, but I think it will be well for me to read it over so I can deliver it more eloquently. Hear my Bridal Owed, hear my Him of Victory.
Sam. How can I be calm and hear it? Oh, John Rogers! and Foxes Martyrs! how I sympathize with you.
Mrs. P. Oh, Doodle! Doodle! ”

“ How any one blessed with a deah companion can speak about correcting them, is a mystery to me.
Sam. Men have to be corrected, Betsey; there wouldn’t be no living with them unless you did.
Enter Thomas Jefferson. Bet. Well, you can entertain such views if you will, but as for me, I will be clinging; I will be respected by men. They do so love to have wimmen clinging, that I will, until I die, carry out this belief that is so sweet to them. Until I die, I will neveh let go of this speah.
Thos. J. (Aside) She has been brandishing that speah for fifty years.
Sam. There is them hens agin, Thos. ”

“ It knocked the bolted door of my heart open, and said: “Betsey Bobbett, you have not neveh done it.” He remarks 21that if anybody is going to be married, their deah future companion is on earth, though we may neveh have seen him, or her, and it is our duty to pray for that future companion. Josiah Allen’s wife, I have not neveh done it; I feel condemned. Would you begin to pray now?
Sam. Are you going to pray for a husband, or about one? ”

“ It does beat all how you act. Do you think it is any comfort for me to lay here and hear it? You was young once yourself.
Jos. Throw that in my face ag’in will you? What if I wuz? Oh! do hear him beginnin’ agin. I should like to know what comfort there is in his prowlin’ round here, makin’ two old folks lay all night in perfect agony.
Sam. It hain’t much after midnight, and if it was, do you calcolate to go through life without any trouble? If you do you’ll find yourself mistaken. (Shakespeare sings to the same tune.) ”

“ They all bring presents, the more ridiculous the better. Josiah brings a sack of flour; Dr. Bombus brings a large bottle of medicine; the Editor of the Augur a file of the Augurs etc. Thomas J. and Tirzah Ann comes in first, congratulates them)
Bet. (proudly) I thank you, Mr. Allen. I thank you Miss Allen.
Simon. (mournfully) I told your mother how it would be.
Bet. (hunching him, whispers) How you act! Do put on some style; thank him.
Simon. Much ob’eeged. I knew—— (He stops and wipes his eyes. Betsey reproves him for his actions, and just then Elder Peedick and wife enter.) ”

“ I hope I hain’t so hard hearted enough to deny a young man and neighbor the privilege of languishing. (Shakespeare departs.)
CURTAIN FALLS.
25 ACT V. Scene.—Josiah Allen’s wife with bonnet on ready to start.—She says to herself: “I wonder why Josiah Allen don’t come. We shall be late to that quire meetin’.”—When Simon Slimpsey rushes in and sinks down in a chair.
Simon. Am I pursued?
Sam. There hain’t nobody in sight. Has your life been attacked by burglers and incindiarys? Speak, Simon Slimpsey, speak!
Simon. Betsey Bobbett!
Sam. What of her, Simon Slimpsey? ”

“ Miss Gowdy gets it—Betsey sits in front row at right of Editor, not next to him—Samantha and Josiah sit at left of Miss Gowdy—Elder Peedick, the leader, stands at the right—Josiah and Samantha come in arm in arm after most of them get seated—Josiah says as they walk in, Don’t be a lockin’ arms, Samantha, it will make talk.—Elder Peedick distributes books.
Eld. P. We will commence this evening by singing the hymn—“How blest was Jacob.” We will sing it to the tune of Ortenville. Widder Tubbs, will you play the instrument? (some old melodeon.)
S. Bob. The metre is too long. ”