Samantha

“ Jessica was glad that so splendid an equipage should have drawn up at her door, with a new-born commercial instinct, even before she recognized either occupant of the sleigh.
“That’s Kate Minster,” said Samantha, still with the hat of her dreams on her head, “the handsomest girl in Thessaly, and the richest, and the stuck-up-edest. Cracky! but you’re in luck!” ”

“ But truly the word, “Woman’s Suffrage,” rousts him up as quick as a mouse duz a drowsy cat, so, sez he, “I can’t let you go, Samantha, into any such dangerous and onwomanly affair.”
“Let?” sez I in a dry voice; “that’s a queer word from one old pardner to another.”
“I’m responsible for your safety, Samantha, and if anybody goes to that dangerous and onseemly meetin’ I will. ”

“ But when did Samantha ever fail to lay holt of Duty’s apron strings when they dangled in front of her? Better go clothed in a righteous purpose and a old parmetty than in the richest new alpacky and a craven sperit.
I knowed that if I had wanted a hobble skirt or a hayrem, or a hip cosset there wuz no time to git ’em. But Heaven knows I didn’t want ’em, treasurin’ as I did the power to walk and breathe. Suffice it to say the next mornin’ the risin’ sun gilded my brown straw bunnet and umbrell as I descended from the car at the Grand Central. ”

“ Sez I, “Do you stop it at once, and come back to your room. Why,” sez I, “the hull house will be routed up, and be up here in a minute.”
“Wall,” sez he, “they’ll see fun if they do and fashion. I am a goin’, Samantha!” and be stepped forward.
Sez I, “They’ll see sunthin’ else that begins with a f, but it haint fun or fashion.’ And agin I sez, “Do you come back, Josiah Allen. You’ll break your neck and rout up the house, and be called a fool.”
“Oh no, Samantha! I must Toboggen. I must go down the slide once.” And he fixed the bolster more firmly on the top stair. ”

“ Spaulding nodded grimly.
“Well, all I’ve got to say, Samantha,” remarked Reuben Pett, as he straightened himself up and started out to bring their chariot to the door; “all I’ve got to say, and all I want to say, is that she must be a mighty fine figure of a woman, and that you’re busting her seams.”
Down the old dusty road the old calash jiggled and juggled, “weaving” most of the way in easy tacks down the sharp declivities. ”

“ How, indeed, was a man who had no better opportunities than Reuben Pett had enjoyed, to understand that the pretty skirt-dancer dress, a dainty, fanciful travesty of an old-time fashion, had only revealed and not created an attractive and charming woman in his life-long friend and neighbor?
Samantha was not thinking in the least of herself. She had accepted her costume as something which she had no choice but to assume in the exercise of an imperative duty. ”

“ Sez I, “I won’t have you a-goin’ round lookin’ worse than any old scarecrow, Josiah Allen.”
He took up a position in front of me, where his rags showed off to the most plainest advantage, and sez he—
“As you see me now, Samantha, you will see me henceforth. I shall never, never be dressed up agin as long as I retain my conscientiousness.”
He spoke so firm, I felt some browbeat and skairt.
Sez I faintly, “Do you expect to go through your life a-lookin’ as you do now?”
“Always, always, Samantha; only worse, if I can manage it.” Sez he bitterly, “I am a man that has been dressed up too long ”

“ The inveterate traveller, Samantha, accompanied by Josiah Allen and a sick grandson, for whose health the trip is undertaken, starts on a journey around the world with a party which includes a Dorothy, who enlivens the trip by marrying in spite of her chaperone. Samantha’s characteristic descriptions and comments include much of interest on Hawaii, the Philippines, India, Egypt, the Holy Land, and many European states, while she frequently attempts to set right whatever she thinks may be wrong, even instructing the Empress Si Ann on her duty. ”

“ I riz up and sez in almost heart breakin’ axents:
“Josiah Allen, be you a thinkin’ of dancin’ yourself?”
“No,” sez he, “no, Samantha, I jest want to look on a spell, that’s all.”
But there wuz a look in his eyes that I hated to see, for I had seen it many times in the past, and it had always foreboded trials to me and humiliation to my pardner. How queer human critters be! what strange and mysterious tacts they will git on and how they will foller up them tacts and fads of theirn. ”

“ I am in the prime of life myself, and, as for Samantha, she don’t have to wear a cap, anyway.”
“No, Moseer,” sez she, real polite, but she contended firm as iron, bein’ my friend, as I could see, that “Madam and Moseer would not be expected to appear in costoom.”
“Well, Modom can do as she is a mind to,” sez he, mocking the girl’s way of pronouncin’ Madame, and it did sound some like swearin’, but I didn’t mind, “Modom can do as she is a mind to, but I am goin’ in costoom.” ”

“ But I guess she'll be all right, now that she knows you a little, and if I can see her every day. She never cries except once in a long while when she gets mad; and if you're careful how you behave, she'll hardly ever get mad at you."
"Well I vow!" exclaimed Miss Vilda with a grim glance at Samantha, "I guess she'd better do the behavin'."
So Timothy was shown the way across the fields to Squire Bean's. Samantha accompanied him to the back gate, where she gave him three doughnuts and a sneaking kiss, watching him out of sight under the pretense of taking the towels and napkins off the grass. ”

“ And sez he—“Some female is in distress, Samantha! Where is my dressin’-gown?” Sez he, “I will go to her rescue!” And he rung the bell wildly for the stewardess, and acted.
Sez I—“Josiah Allen, come back to bed! no woman ever yelled so loud as that and lived! If it is a female she’s beyend your help now.” And I curdled down in bed agin, though I felt queer and felt dretful sorry for her; but felt that indeed that yell must have been her last, and that she wuz now at rest.
But he wuz still wildly arrangin’ his gown, and hollerin’ for the tossels—they’d slipped off from it. ”

“ The childern talk to me so they don’t want me out of their sight hardly a minute. Bamber and his wife says they think it is in my looks. You know I am pretty-lookin’, Samantha. They say the baby will cry after me so quick. It beats all, what friends we have got to be, I and the Bamberses, and it is aggravatin’, Samantha, to think you don’t seem to feel toward ’em that strong friendship that I feel.”
Says I, “Friendship, Josiah Allen, is a great word.” Says I, “True friendship is the most beautiful thing on earth; it is love without passion, tenderness without alloy. ”

“ I ketched him by his vest, and sez I: “Pause, Josiah Allen. He hain’t a cook; it is a F-r-i-a-r.”
“How do you spoze I care how you spell it? You can spell their bull-fights b-o-u-l if you want to; that don’t hender ’em from havin’ to take care of their fresh beef. Keep right on a-fryin’!” sez he in bitter mockery. “My Samantha hain’t probble good enough to see a little beef a-fryin’; but,” sez he, waxin’ eloquent, as, animated by the power of love, he stood up nobly for me—
“You can fry all day and think you go ahead of any woman, and be too proud to let ’em see you at it ”

“ He wunk several times before I paid much attention to 'em; but finally, the winks grew so violent, and the motions so imperious, yet clever, that I got up, and follered him into the buttery. He shet the door, and stood with his back against it; and says to me, with his voice fairly tremblin' with his emotions,—
“It will throw you, Samantha! you don't want to buy it.”
“What will throw me? and when?” says I.
“Why,” says he, “you can't never ride it! ”

“ I shouldn't have thought of it."
"I don't know as we ought to have left 'em alone," said Vilda, looking back, as Samantha urged the moderate Maria over the road; "though I don't know exactly what they could do."
"Except run away," said Samantha reflectively.
"I wish to the land they would! It would be the easiest way out of a troublesome matter. Every day that goes by will make it harder for us to decide what to do with 'em; for you can't do by those you know the same as if they were strangers." ”

“ Won’t it create a sensation in Jonesville?”
Sez I: “Most probable it would. But you haint a goin’ to wear no bows on your hat at your age, not if I can break it up,” sez I.
He looked almost black at me, and sez he, “Don’t go too fur, Samantha! I’ll own you’ve been a good wife and mother and all that, but there is a line that you must stop at. You mustn’t go too fur. There is some things in which a man must be footloose, and that is in the matter of dress. ”

“ Never was such a defender of woman's rights, never was such an exponent of woman's wrongs! In Samantha's pithy, pointed, scornful utterances we have in very truth the expression of feelings common to most thoughtful women, well understood among them, but rarely finding voice except in confidential intercourses and for sympathetic ears. Other women besides poor Cicely, and warm-hearted, clear-headed Samantha, and 'humble' Dorlesky eat their hearts out over the injustice of laws that they have no hand in making, and can have no hand in altering, though ruin and agony are their result.... ”

“ It wuz a noble lookin' structure with a row of snowy pillows all 'round it; a good many think it is the handsomest buildin' on the Fair ground, and as I said to Josiah, it ort to be considerin' the greatness and importance of the work it displays, for our free schools, our educational advantages, are the pride and glory of our country.
"Yes, Samantha," sez he, "I hearn a man say yesterday education wuz the very bull work of our country, meanin' you know, Samantha, it wuz strong as a bull." ”

“ No they don’t do any harder work, Samantha, votin’ wears on us strong minded men turribly, and what would it do to a weak, fraguile woman? Oh that man puts men and wimmen in their different spears so beautiful and so plain that it seems as if a infant babe, or even a woman, could understand it. (Josiah steps nearer to Samantha and points to the piece in the paper) . If you’d foller this man’s idees, Samantha, I’d be the happiest man in Jonesville or the world. ”

“ Have somebody dress like Samantha—you know the pictures—and tell all about herself to begin with. Then we could make a big, wooden frame—we have those boards left from the float—and Samantha could turn over the leaves of the album, and describe the characters in her books one by one, as they were shown in the frame. We could call it ‘Samantha’s Picter-Album,’ or something like that.”
“I saw an entertainment that was something of that sort once,” said Adelaide. “But it was just a frame with old-fashioned pictures, like daguerrotypes. There wasn’t any Samantha, or any talking. ”

“ Jabe yawned, turned over, and listened to Samantha's unwelcome voice, which (considerably louder than the voice of conscience) came from the outside world to disturb his delicious morning slumbers.
"Jabe Slocum! Do you hear me?"
"Hear you? Gorry! you'd wake the seven sleepers if they was any whar within ear-shot!"
"Well, will you git up?"
"Yes, I'll git up if you're goin' to hev a brash 'bout it, but I wish you hedn't waked me so awful suddent. 'Don't ontwist the mornin' glory' 's my motto. Wait a spell 'n' the sun 'll do it, 'n' save a heap o' wear 'n' tear besides. Go 'long! I'll git up." ”

“ I don’t see no sign of plum trees, nor no stick to knock ’em off with.” And agin he sez, “You would make a great ‘fuss, Samantha, if I should say what is painted up right there on that cross piece. You would say I wuz a swearin’.”
Sez I coldly, (or as cold as I could with my blood heated by the voyalence and rapidity of the walk he had been a leadin’ me,) “There is a Van in front of it. ”

“ I sez, I wuz driv to it, and I sez it agin, "Oh, shaw!"
"Why, Aunt Samantha, you know it has been decided that that is so. It has been settled by law that a female's life is worth only half as much as a man's. Don't you remember last spring in Brooklyn it wuz settled once for all that a female child's life wuzn't worth only half as much as a male child?" ”

“ What Samantha doesn't know, isn't worth knowing—will throw a little humor on a situation which is becoming too intense. We hope it may have a wide circulation in England, for Samantha, who believes in suffrage, does not believe in dynamite, gunpowder and mobs. ”

“ Wall, I wuz clean discouraged and beat out, and so I told Josiah. But he encouraged me some by sayin’:
“Wall, I could have told you jest how it would be,” and, “You would have done better, Samantha, to have been to home a cookin’ for your own famishin’ family.” And several more jest such inspirin’ remarks as men will give to the females of their families when they are engaged in charitable enterprises. ”

“ I can’t say but what my mind put out this deep question to myself as I stood there a hearin’ sister Doodle go on;
“Samantha, ort times ort is how many?” And though I answered back to myself calmly and firmly, “ort;” still, thinks’es I to myself, she is a clever critter, and what little sense she has got runs to goodness—and that is more than you can say of some folks’es sense—some folks’es runs to meanness every mite of it ”

“ It is one of the very heaviest crosses ever tackled by wimmen, and bore along by ’em, wet with their blood and sweat and tears. And Samantha will do her best to stamp onto ’em, every one of ’em, and break ’em up into kindlin’-wood, and build fires with ’em to burn up this putryfyin’ crime of polygimy, root and branch; make a cleansin’ blaze of it to try to purify God’s sweet air it has defiled.”
“Oh!” says Elder Judas Wart, with a low deep groan, “oh! how unpractical females always are. ”

“ As Josiah looked at these last I hearn him murmur as if to himself, "Why under the sun didn't Samantha put in my dressin' gown with tossels, and the smokin' cap Thomas J. gin me, I could showed off some then."
But I pretended not to hear him for my eyes wuz fastened on the passin' pageant. Smart lookin' bizness men with handsome well-dressed wives and children, then a Injun with striped blanket, beaded moccasins and head-dress of high feathers. Then a American widder, mebby a plain one, and mebby grass; then some more wimmen. ”