Various

“ G. is wrong, and Dilke, who criticised Ministerial policy, is not right. To-night he stands on the Roof of the World, a solitary, colossal figure upright on the lone Pamirs. His attitude is of manifold mien. Defiant of Russia, suspicious of Rosebery, patronising towards Afghanistan, he takes young China familiarly by the elbow, and bids it be of good cheer, for Tommy Bowles is its friend. Since Napoleon crossed the Alps, and was caught in the act by the brush of the painter, the world has not seen so moving a picture as Tommy throned on the grandly desolate Pamirs. ”

“ G. had left nothing for anyone to say, unless it were Alpheus Cleophas, and the Talented Tommy, who, sitting immediately opposite the Premier, had, whilst he spoke, taken voluminous notes, only occasionally withdrawing eyes from manuscript to fix them with look of calm distrust upon the aged and unconscious statesman.
"I always like, when I look in," said Marjoribanks, smiling beneficently from the Bar, "to find Tommy in his place, taking notes. Gives one a sense of security. I feel, when I'm in the Lobby, looking after things, it's all right in the House. ”

“ But how about Russia?
Second W. I. M. Oh, Russia shoves her oar in whenever we get into a difficulty of any kind anywhere.
Inquirer (persisting) . Yes—but how can she have any "sovereign rights" in America?
Second W. I. M. (haughtily, but evasively) . My dear fellow, if you had followed the thing properly, you wouldn't ask the question. There's no time now to explain it all to you, as it's very complicated, and goes back a long way. But you may take it from me that Russia has got certain rights, and that she means to make things as disagreeable for us as she can. ”

“ That might have served as day's work for ordinary man, Mr. G., not to put too fine a point upon it, is not ordinary man. Being here, sat listening to Dilke with close attention. Dilke thinks time has come to evacuate Egypt. Stated his case in luminous speech; sustained his reputation of knowing more about Egyptian Question than most men except perhaps Tommy Bowles. ”

“ Heaven bestow
"Sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing,"
One thing above all others know,
Ye who the earth-round band are wreathing,
To-day, to-morrow, any day,
You're "Welcome as the flowers in May!"
"Playing the Duse."—Mr. Horace Sedger announces the engagement at the Lyric of Mlle. Duse. The Manager must be prosperous; at all events, he is not going to the Duse, but the Duse is coming to him. And as to the Theatre—well, if it isn't a success, the Duse is in it! ”

“ We're always arbitrating now, and giving everything away. If we think we're right, why can't we say so, and stick to it, and let the French, and the Yankees, and the Russians, and all the rest of 'em, take it from us, if they can? ”

“ A. Not invariably, because a litigant may have odd views about the importance of evidence and the time of professional advisers.
Q. When a litigant is afflicted with this lack of knowledge what is the customary result?
A. That the defendants have to undergo the expense of a several-days' trial with counsel to match.
Q. Supposing that a journalist, sharply but justly, criticises the actions of a man of straw—what can the man of straw do?
A. With the aid of some speculative Solicitor, he can commence an action for libel. ”

“ Having got Bill referred to Grand Committee, positively agrees to rescind Order, and begin all over again.
[pg 221]
"It's very seldom," says the Sage of Queen Anne's Gate, in most melancholy mood, "that our side show themselves capable of doing a smart thing. When, by chance, it is accomplished, Mr. G. comes along, and coolly undoes it."
To-day, nearly two hours spent in discussing question; Bill, eventually, remitted to Grand Committee, as it had been left at midnight on Tuesday. ”

“ You may take a horse to the Grand Committee, but you can't make him discuss your Bill."
Business done.—Budget Bill through.
Q. E. D. (By a Grumpy Old Bachelor.)
"'Tis a mad world, my masters!" Grim Lombroso
Corroborates mild Shakspeare in this matter.
And, though his demonstration seems but so-and-so,
No doubt the world's as mad as any hatter,
The sweeter sex especially! 'Tis sad,
But that rule's absolute, depend upon it!
'Tis obvious all women must be mad,
Because—there is a "b" in every bonnet! ”

“ That is all very well; but there are some amateur Chancellors of the Exchequer who would do great things with the odd £20,000 or £30,000 which remains as surplus. Clark wants Graduated Income-tax; Bartley proposes Abatement on Incomes below £200; whilst Grant Lawson would let farmers off with half the proposed increase. Best of all is, Alpheus Cleophas, who would straightway abolish the tax on tea. ”

“ THE LITIGANT'S VADE MECUM.
Question. Can you tell me the best possible regulations in the universe?
Answer. Certainly English Common Law.
Q. Is English Common Law accessible to everyone?
A. Certainly, and if a litigant please, he or she (for sex makes no difference) can become his or her own advocate.
Q. When a litigant prefers to conduct a case in person, does the proceeding invariably save expense? ”

“ A. The speculative Solicitor, if he can persuade a judge and jury to agree, will get his costs, and if the journalist wins he will find that the prosecutor or plaintiff is, indeed, a man of straw.
Q. Is there any redress?
A. None; but a wise journalist will never criticise sharply.
[pg 226]
THE PICK OF THE R.A. PICTURES. No. 2.
No. 139. Ça donne à penser. Not a more suggestive pose does any portrait possess throughout the Galleries. It is described tout court as "Albert Brassey, Esq.," and 'tis the work (and the pleasure) of W. W. Ouless, R.A. "'Tis a fine work!" ”

“ First W. I. M. My dear chap, I'm very sorry, but I really couldn't help it. There's no woman in the business at all. Mare clausum merely means the place where they catch the seals, you know; mare, Latin for sea. ”

“ It says— (reads) —"documents were submitted, on behalf of the United States, to prove that Russia had never abandoned her sovereign rights in the manner suggested by Great Britain." How, on earth, does Russia manage to crop up everywhere? ”

“ Tuesday.—Seven-leagued Boots not needed by Talented Tommy. He moves about universe with ease and grace, unmindful of mountains, regardless of ravines, reckless of rivers, oblivious of oceans. Last night, Forty Centuries looked down upon him whilst he showed how, in Egypt, Mr. ”