Various

“ Jarvis.
Ernest is left alone with his diamond. Seeing a suspicious shadow at the window he rushes to it and leans out, so as to give anybody a chance of sand-bagging him. The chance going begging, he takes his diamond from his belt to see if it is still there. The only other precaution he can think of is to draw the curtains. At this moment a hand steals through the door and turns out the lights. A terrible struggle in the dark ensues; there is a noise of somebody's larynx going; and then the curtain goes down and up ... to disclose, the body of poor Ernest on the floor. Is he dead? ”

“ You will not be surprised to know that Josef's interest, stimulated by our mutual businessfriend, goes beyond my mere personality. He reminds me—Philippa is quite affected by this—that there are others. "The astonishing advantages ... must induce to serious consideration anyone who is looking after his own welfare, and that of those near and dear to him as well."—Yet Josef can be almost stern when there is occasion, and he tersely warns me that it is a chance which "probably never will be offered to you again!" ”

“ Wreford sighed as he slowly folded up his letter and put it in its envelope. "It is the one moment in the week," he explained, "when the very worst must be expected."
I begged him to elucidate the position.
"Suppose," said he, "you had invited a man to stay with you for the week-end, had motored him down from town on the Friday night and given him dinner and a nice big bed, and on Saturday more meals and more bed, and on Sunday still more meals and still more bed, and on the Monday morning a nice yellow-and-white poached egg all to himself." ”

“ Henry Chaplin has been correctly reported he is even more of a reactionary than most of his opponents imagined. In the course of the debate on the Sunday Closing Bill he is said to have delivered himself as follows:—"Drunkenness is diminishing, and I say Thank God; long may it continue." The pious ejaculation would seem to be an expression of gratitude for the joys of inebriety.
"Does the nightingale really boycott the land of Llewelyn and Mr. Lloyd George—and why?" asks an anxious inquirer in a contemporary. ”

“ It is comforting to know that we need not yet despair of human nature. Even the most abandoned politician may have one redeeming quality. For example, The Express tells us that Mr. Winston Churchill is a reader of The Express. ”

“ We are glad to hear that "Hospital Egg Week" has been a success. We find it difficult, however, to believe one account, which states that sufficient new-laid eggs have been contributed to last the whole year.
"If Adam had lived till now," says Mr. Snowden, "and had worked hard at honest labour the whole time, and had been a thrifty man withal, he would not have had an income like some of those enjoyed to-day." Mr. Snowden is apparently presuming that Adam's wife would have lived as long as her husband. ”

“ With regard to Rob Roy's birthplace the contention is that it is practically impossible to construct a new reservoir in these days anywhere north of the Tweed which will not interfere in some way with one or other of the places where Rob Roy was born.
It is not only Scotchmen, however, who have been touched to the quick by this irreverent and thoughtless proposal. The whole literary profession is up in arms. A memorial is being prepared to be presented to the Prime Minister, under the heading, "Hands off Rob Roy!" ”

“ Florence Barclay, "that a writer who, in his day, enjoyed such a circulation as that of Sir Walter Scott—this is, of course, fundamentally a question of circulation—is not to be treated in this cavalier fashion? For oneself, whatever fate may be in store for the precious local associations of one's past work, it is fortunately possible to make the future secure. ”

“ Lynch in The Daily Chronicle, "that a man leaves some trace of himself in every sentence that he writes. What then of works so extensive as Shakspeare's? Certainly we should see him through and through if we only knew how to look."
We do know how to look, and we have done so with results that can hardly fail to astonish the reader. It has long been known, for instance, that Shakspeare was a good man of business, but until our researches no one had realised quite how good. ”

“ Bamborough, as you know, wields a vivid and trenchant pen. But literature will not occupy all my time. My estancia in the Argentine will need supervision, and I hope to spend an occasional summer in the Solomon Islands, where the natives are strangely attached to us."
Mr. Bamborough pointed out that Sir Johnston Forbes-Robertson, who also returned by the Julius Cæsar, had only drawn receipts amounting to £107,000 in a tour of thirty weeks' duration, while he (Mr. Bamborough) had netted no less than £150,000 in a tour lasting twenty-seven weeks and three days. ”

“ The new proposals with regard to the water supply of the City of Glasgow are causing, we are not surprised to learn, the utmost fury and consternation throughout Scotland. Criticism has concentrated especially upon two points: the imminent risk of submerging Robert the Bruce's Stone and, of course, the danger of tampering in however slight a degree with the birthplace of Rob Roy. The passive resistance movement has already assumed such proportions that one enterprising publisher feels justified in announcing a new cheap edition of the "Waverley Novels," illustrated from local photographs. ”

“ This grievance, which he considered that everyone should know about, bears upon the prevalence of spurious coins in the so-called Gay City and the tendency of Parisians to work them off on foreigners. As he says, a more inhospitable course one cannot conceive. Foreigners in Paris should be treated as guests, and just now, with all this Entente talk, the English especially. But no. It is the English who are the first victims of the possessor of obsolete francs, two-franc and five-franc pieces guiltless of their country's silver and ten-franc pieces into whose composition no gold has entered. ”

“ Bamborough is under contract to give five farewell tours in the United States at intervals of four years before entering upon the penultimate stage of his severance from the British concert platform. This, which will begin in the autumn of 1934, is likely to continue until the year 1948, when he is booked for an extended tour in Polynesia, Japan, New Guinea and Java. On his return to England in 1950 he proposes to give sixty farewell recitals at intervals of three months, culminating in a grand concert at the Albert Hall. ”

“ Jarvis. Why on earth should they suspect you?
Keble. Well, I was known to be jealous of Mr. Heron, Sir. I found Susan sponging his shirt-front, and Susan and I are as good as engaged. [Pg 397] Jarvis (mildly interested) . How can you sponge a shirt-front?
Keble. It was an india-rubber one, Sir; they sponge off quite clean, and save the laundry bill, Sir. My——
Jarvis. Good Heavens, I'm ruined!
Enter Isaac Wolfe, his partner. Exit Keble.
Wolfe. Got the diamond, my boy?
Jarvis (moodily) . Yes ... I'm done for; I must leave the country.
Wolfe. What d'you mean? You've got the diamond? ”

“ She reports how Prince Hohenlohe expressed a high opinion of the journalist, remarking, "He is marvellously well-informed of all that is going on." "It was curious," writes Madame, "how a keen clever man like the Prince attached so much importance to anything Blowitz said." For the side-lights which it flashes on high life in Paris at a critical period of the Republic the volume possesses exceptional value. ”

“ I think I can—yes, I have it: John Fdk. Johnson, 72, Chestnut Av., Mayfield Pk., S.W. You've got that?" Josef has it.
Josef, it appears, possesses a few tickets, and I gather that for some reason he does not require all of them himself. Naturally he turns to the friend of our mutual businessfriend. Will I participate in the distribution of "many, many million within five months?" The first prize is one—but perhaps I had better express it as Josef loves to do. The first prize is
The chance, he goes on to say, is "without any risk worth mentioning." ”

“ I am assured, "from the moment of dispatch and play, of course, on his account."
I fancy I see what Josef means, but I don't think that the expression, "play, of course, on his account," is altogether well chosen. ”

“ Frequently, when describing social gatherings at the height of political crises, she stops to tell you how some lady was dressed and how the apparel suited her. Amongst other men of the epoch she has something to say about Blowitz, the famous Paris correspondent of The Times. ”

“ My address, according to Josef, had been given to him "by a mutual businessfriend." This threw me into a contemplation. Who could it be? Spraggs had certainly toured the capitals of Central Europe last autumn, but he never mentioned Josef on his return. Harris? Well, one would scarcely call Harris a businessfriend. Filmer? No, Filmer is too selfish, I fear, to do me so good a turn. Ah, of course! Kelly, dear old burly rubicund Kelly, with his unfailing memory for an address and his delightfully abbreviated style. And he goes everywhere too: the very man. ”

“ But boys will be boys."
A NATIONAL CALAMITY. Great Performer contemplates Retirement.
Once more the Atlantic liner has delivered Mr. Bamborough (né Bamberger) back to us, and once more British concert-goers should in consequence rejoice. But their natural jubilations are unfortunately tempered by a momentous announcement which the great violinist made to our representative at Plymouth last week, on the arrival of the Julius Cæsar, to the effect that he has decided to retire from the active pursuit of his profession. ”

“ The postal authorities trust that the publication of this fact will induce people to exercise a little patience when they do not receive correspondence which they expect, instead of at once jumping to the conclusion that it has been lost. ”

“ The didactic drama is with us again, and this time we are to be taught to feel affection for the unpopular. Love Cheats is the hortatory title of a play to be produced by Miss Horniman's company next month. ”

“ Monday's breakfast is never a jovial affair. One always has the feeling that something dreadful has happened or is going to happen. Thus, three days ago I had with a light heart handed over my practice to a locum and my books to an accountant, telling the one to look up my bad patients and the other to look up my bad debts, while I went away to end the week with the Wrefords. Twelve hours ago it had seemed that I should never know such happiness in this world again as I had found with them, and here we all were on Monday morning with everything changed, Mrs. ”

“ Grumpy (when the audiences delight at seeing Mr. Cyril Maude again has at last been got under) . Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow; tut-tut-tut-tut-tut (and other old-gentleman noises) . Ah, Ernest, my boy, what are you doing here?
Ernest. Just back from Africa, uncle, with a diamond weighing—I mean costing—ninety thousand pounds in my belt, which I'm taking up to the firm in London. May I sleep here?
Grumpy. Do, my boy. (Enter Mr. Jarvis.) Ah, Mr. Jarvis, let me introduce my nephew, Mr. Heron. He's just back from Africa with a—— (To himself) No, perhaps better not. Well, good night to you both. ”

“ Of course (to keep it among ourselves) I am not going to say who —— is beyond mentioning (for the purpose of handy reference) that he appears to have been christened Josef and that the capital from which he writes (or alleges that he writes) is associable with a high standard of musical comedy. ”

“ Grumpy. "Better put the diamond in the safe, my boy. You'll be ruined if anybody steals it."
Ernest. "Yes, but the play will be ruined if nobody does."
Grumpy. Mr. Cyril Maude.
Ernest Heron. Mr. Edward Combemere.
Act I.—The Crime.
Scene—Mr. "Grumpy" Bullivant's library. Enter his grand-daughter Virginia and Mrs. Maclaren.
Mrs. Maclaren. What a remarkable man Mr. Jarvis seems to be, dear—so amusing at dinner! And he writes for Tiddly Bits, he tells me. Where did you meet him? ”

“ Savile has abundantly satisfied me in all particulars; although I incline to carp at the opportuneness with which nature is made to erupt from time to time, and I venture to suggest that men and women never were and are probably never going to be like Dick and Eileen. The book is, however, of the sort which is to be read and enjoyed but not considered further.
Joe Quinney, the curiosity shop man in Mr. ”

“ After this, debate quietly proceeded to appointed end, everyone mutely invoking
Blessings on the falling out
That all the more endears,
When we fall out with those we love
And kiss again with tears.
Business done.—Premier's resolution carried by 276 votes against 194. Majority 82. House of Lords by common consent passed second reading of useful little Bill for protection of grey seals threatened with extinction by mercenary sportsmen.
Mr. ROWLAND HUNT IN HIS BEST FORM. "I don't know [laughter] what honourable Members [renewed laughter] are laughing about [loud and prolonged laughter] ." ”