Various

“ The guide-books have a good deal to say about the Houses of Parliament, but the people who write guide-books never go to the really amusing places and never know the really interesting things. For instance they have never yet explained what it is that the House of Commons smells of. I do not refer to the actual Chamber, which merely smells like the Tube, but the lofty passages and lobbies where the statues are. ”

“ Now it is each man for himself. The long line surges forward, looking eagerly for a breach. Now we can see our opponents—hate in their eyes—as they brace themselves for the shock. Now we are into them, fighting silently, with a sort of cold fury save where a muttered curse or the sharp cry of the injured bears testimony to the fierceness of the struggle. ”

“ I took him to the dining-room, where Margery and John were sitting.
"Here is Mr. Holmes," I said.
They both made a dash at him.
"Mr. Holmes," said John, "we seek your aid. You have a wide and deep knowledge of geography—that is botany, and you shall settle a problem that is ruining my home."
"Certainly I will do my best," said Mr. Holmes. And then without a blush: "What is the problem, may I ask?"
"We have found a piece of——" began John.
"Don't tell him," shrieked Margery. "Let him see for himself."
They fetched the weed and handed it reverently to the Curate. ”

“ Is it the mere lust for fighting that has brought them here? Or is it the thought of the home that each hopes to return to that steels their courage and lends that élan to their resolution without which one enters the struggle in vain? ”

“ The Government would have things all their own way. Unless, of course, the Government's Private Secretaries struck too. But of course the Government's Private Secretaries never would, the dirty blacklegs!
After the Secretaries' Room perhaps the most interesting thing in the two Houses is the House of Lords sitting as the Supreme Court. Everybody ought to see that. There is a nice old man sitting in the middle in plain clothes and several other nice old men in plain clothes sitting about on the benches, with little card-tables in front of them. ”

“ Breathing hard we look around at the havoc we have wrought, and suddenly the glamour of victory seems to fade and one loathes the whole senseless, savage business. We do not really hate these men. After all, they are our fellow-creatures. ”

“ Maxwell has exercised all his ability on the picture of a foolish young wife, chained to a lout who is shown passing swiftly from worse to unbearable, and herself broken at last by the ordeal of the witness-box in a "defended action." Inevitably such a book, a record of disillusion and increasing misery, can hardly be cheerful; tales with a purpose seldom are. ”

“ Most of them have been through the ordeal before. Pale faces there are—small wonder when one thinks of what lies before them. Here and there a man is puffing at his beloved "gasper" with the nonchalance that marks your bull-dog breed when stern work is afoot. ”

“ We can only say that anybody can have our seat.
Since The Daily Express tirade against the officials of the Zoo visitors are requested not to go too near the Fellows.
"The French army," says the Berliner Tageblatt, "will soon be all over." It does not say what; but if our late enemy continues the violation of the Peace Treaty the missing word should be "Germany."
Birds, says The Times, are nesting in the plane-trees of Printing House Square. Some of the fledglings, we are informed, are already learning to whistle the familiar Northcliffe air, "Lloyd George Must Go," quite distinctly. ”

“ Art Patron (who has heard something about a Modern Movement) . "Now you're not going to tell me that's a valuable bit of work? Why, hang it all, I can recognise the place."
PEACE WITH HONOUR.
This is the story of Mr. Holmes, the Curate, and of how he brought peace to our troubled house. The principal characters are John, my brother-in-law, and Margery, my unmarried sister, and, at the bottom of the programme, in large letters, Mr. Holmes, the Curate. I have a small walking-on part. The story will now commence. ”

“ Purple passages of fine writing show his inexperience slipping into pitfalls by the way, but his work rings true and deserves to be read by many at the present time when miners are so far from being victims of "the block"—the employers' device for starving out a "difficult" man—that they look like fitting the boot to another leg. One is made to realise their anxiety to get rid of that boot. ”

“ A fillum drama that's true to life ain't bound to be absolutely true as to facts. The trimmings is extra. We opens next with a little slow music an' Jim Blaney meeting Reginald an' telling 'im 'e 's reformed an' given up gambling. Instead 'e's running a very respectable football sweep, the prize to be given to the one as draws the team that scores most goals, an' 'e offers Reginald a commission an' a seat on the drawing committee if he'll recommend it amongst 'is clients. ”

“ The French archæologists in charge of the excavations had recently dug up a colossal statue of Hannibal, and the resemblance to Lord Northsquith was so extraordinary that many of them were moved to transports of delight. They were however unanimous in their conviction that the deplorable state of the ruins was largely, if not entirely, due to Mr. Lloyd George's ignorance of Phœnician geography. ”

“ All the details of life on the land in the autumn of 1918 are given with a skill that brings into the book not only the scent of the wheat-field but the stress, emotional and economic, of those unforgettable months. ”

“ That he wouldn't do it for Lloyd George hisself.
He retires to his vehicle and resumes his hookah. Pavlova dances some dances expressive of Spring, of Butterflies, of Flowers, of Unlimited Gold. In the midst of the final passage the driver leaps from his seat, rushes on to the platform, jumps three hundred and eighty-five times into the air, whirls Pavlova off her toes and dashes from side to side, carrying her in one hand. He finally flings her into the taxicab and returns to his seat. The luggage is piled upon the roof by dancing porters and tied with many-coloured ribbons. ”

“ This is a fillum drama. 'E sees 'is extensive clientèle drifting away to the Vache Noire an' Blaney getting so rich 'e can afford Beaune an' eggs an' chips for 'is supper every night. In the interests of the misguided victims Reginald tells the Military Police that drinking goes on during prohibited hours at the Vache Noire, an' gets the place put out of bounds. All the speckerlaters thereupon return to the Avenir, an' Part II. finishes with Reginald recovering 'is voice an' carolling 'Little Billy Fair-play, all the way from 'Olloway' while he rakes in the shekels with both hands and feet. ”

“ Lloyd George has returned from a visit to the haunts of his youth with renewed health and reinforced Welsh accent. The last day of his holiday was spent in fishing in the company of two friends; but unfortunately the newspapers failed to supply any details of the scene, a lack of enterprise which it is difficult to understand, especially on the part of the journals known to employ Rubicon experts on their staff. Happily we are able to give information which we have reason to believe will not be officially contradicted. ”

“ Acrost the way, at the Café de la Vache Noire, a drunken unprincipled gambler named Jim Blaney—which you will also reckernise is an alias—regularly pockets the pay of 'is fellow-soldiers under pretence of a square deal at banker an' pontoon. One night, 'aving sucked 'is victims dry for the time being and also largely taken 'is cawfee avec, Blaney goes acrost to the Avenir an' sets 'is stall out there. Reginald remonstrates. ”

“ But of course the best time to visit the House is when it is not sitting, because then, if you are lucky, you may sit with impunity on the Front Bench and put your feet up on the table. If you are unlucky you will be shot at dawn. ”

“ The villain, double-dyed, is not the coal-owner but his "gaffer," who favours his men as to choice of position at the coal-face in return for favours received from their wives. The chief surprise to the reader will be the difference between the status and power of the miner then and now. The writer has a considerable skill in composing effective dialogue, especially between his men ”

“ He must take his turn like the rest of us.
"Never pull the doorbell too hard" is the advice of a writer on etiquette in a ladies' journal. When calling at a new wooden house the safest plan is not to pull the bell at all. ”

“ The Commercial Bribery and Tipping Review, a new American publication, offers a prize of four pounds for the best article on "Why I believe barbers should not be tipped." The barbers claim that what they receive is not a tip, but the Price of Silence. ”

“ Maxwell too obviously loads his dice, and be aware also that (like others of its kind) the story suffers from over-concentration on a single theme. It moves in a world of incompatibles. The heroine's kindly friend is tied to a dipsomaniac wife; her [pg 285] coachman has no remedy for a ruined home because of the expense of divorce, and so on. To a great extent, however, Mr. Maxwell's craft has enabled him to overcome even these obstacles ”

“ Words or parts of words may be accepted if they appear in the middle.
(4) Must not look like a word.
(5) Must be pronounceable.
(6) Russian names, on account of their unusual spelling might be accepted.
"And what's more," Aitchkin continued, "even when you've got a word which the Department will accept, it has to be submitted to a Committee who take 'ten to fourteen days' to make up their minds."
A faint tinkling of the piano came to our ears. Mrs. Aitchkin was waiting to sing to us. I produced pencil and paper and threw myself heart and soul into Aitchkin's problem. ”

“ The room is plentifully supplied with House of Commons' stationery, which disappears at an astonishing rate. This is because the Members come in and remove it by the gross, knowing full well that the Serjeant-at-Arms will suspect the Private Secretaries. It is a hard world. ”

“ However, this is where the Members come to their Private Secretaries for instructions. They come there nominally to dictate letters to their constituents, but really they come to be told what amendments to move and what questions to ask and what the Drainage Bill is about, and whether they ought to support the Dentist Qualification (Ireland) (No. 2) Bill, or not. It is awful to think that if the Private Secretaries downed tools the whole machinery of Parliament would stop. ”

“ This is interesting because the Members there are all terrified lest you should hear what they are going to say. They never know who may be at the next table—a journalist or a Bolshevist or a landowner—and they talk with one eye permanently over their shoulder. ”

“ Such is 'is plausibleness that 'e even sells Suzanne a ticket, though she's not rightly sure if Aston Villa is a race-horse or a lottery number. Reginald, however, suspects treachery.
"'Take your breath reg'ler,' 'e says, or makes movements to that effect. 'The matches for this sweep is played on Saturday, an' I seems to recollect that you an' a lot of the crowd is due for demob on Wednesday, an' I'm going for leave on Tuesday. What guarantee 'ave we that you weigh out before you go?'
"'I pays out immédiatemong on receipt of the Sunday papers, which will be Sunday night," says Blaney. ”

“ We fear the advertiser has put his foot in it.
[pg 272]
LABOUR AND THE RUSSIAN BALLET.
I wasn't present at the station when Madame Pavlova arrived in London, bringing with her, as I have been assured by six different newspapers, no fewer than three hundred and eighty-five pieces of luggage. But I have seen, thanks to Sir J. M. Barrie, the transformation which a Russian prima ballerina makes in an English country home, so I happen to know exactly what occurred. I think it deserves to be recorded. Very well then. ”

“ Everyone admits the large grain of truth in his charges; the trouble is that he has too often allowed an honest indignation to carry him past his mark into the regions of burlesque, and in particular to confuse character with caricature. ”

“ It's 'ere the finest scene in the fillum ought to 'appen. Imagine a crowd of defrauded an' infuriated soldiery, led by Reginald, marching up to the F.P. compound and demanding that the miserable Blaney an' their stakes should be 'anded over to them. ”

“ They wants something true to life. Now, my fillum opens at the Café de l'Avenir, where a stout old British soldier runs a Crown an' Anchor board at personal loss, but 'appy in the knowledge that 'e is amusing his comrades."
"The same answering to the name of Chippo Munks?" interjected Chris Jones.
"The name on the programme is Reginald Denvers," said Chippo firmly. ”

“ The following scene shows Blaney all poshed up and busy trying to worm 'is way into the confidence of Suzanne (the daughter of the patron of the Café de l'Avenir) , who cherishes a secret passion for Reginald. 'E kids 'er to [pg 278] drop the contents of a white packet into Reginald's vang blanc, telling her it's a love lotion—I should say potion—that will gain 'er Reginald's everlasting affections. Reggie, being thirsty, scoffs off the whole issue an' finds to his dismay that 'is voice 'as been completely destroyed. ”