Various

“ Unless you are walking about with a bucket or prodding something with a stick you feel you have no right to be there. On a large farm you are expected to accompany your host across a couple of ten-acre fields to look at his young wheat. Some people can tell what is the matter with a field of young wheat by merely leaning on a gate and glancing at it. ”

“ Out of all this muddle and confusion and slipshod thinking there arose one man with a purpose, one man who fixed his eyes on a single inevitable goal and walked straight at it, not minding what or whom he trod upon on the way. His purpose was the mass-production of crises, and he created crises as rabbits create their young, nine at a time. ”

“ Instead of a casual crisis here and there, to every year a crisis or two, he gave them a crisis every month, every week, every day, and still they were not satisfied. And so, at last, out of all the muddle and waste and pettifogging stupidity this man created crises as men create matches, by the gross. ”

“ It isn’t as easy as it ought to be to do justice to players playing impossible parts; to Miss Henrietta Watson struggling pluckily and skilfully with her Mrs. John; or to Mr. Cowley Wright or Miss Rosa Lynd, so perfectly appalling did Ernest and Helen seem to me and so anxious was I to get them off to Paris respectably or otherwise. ”

“ Then in the Great War a new habit was born in the minds of the people, the habit of crises. Even then at first they came decently, in ordered succession—Mons, Ypres, the Coalition, Gallipoli. But the people’s craving was insatiable; the people cried for more crises. ”

“ For some time past, I understand, the Government has been considering steps to bring the personalities of Cabinet Ministers more prominently into the public eye. “We are not sufficiently known,” said Sir William Sutherland, who has the matter in hand, “as living palpitating figures to the man in the street. We do not grip the nation’s heart. We lack pep.” ”

“ The true basker, on the other hand, declines to be a party to a procedure which destroys the whole poetry of dawn and reduces the proud chanticleer to the sordid status of an alarum-clock. He simply pushes the bird off the window-sill with his foot, turns over and goes to sleep. ”

“ Both in work and in sport is the evil rampant. Take as an example the reactionary custom of dividing the Tripos Honours List into three classes. Can you imagine anything more inducive to competition? Worse, it is a direct invitation to the worker—often, I am proud to say, unheeded—to exceed the one-hour-day for which we Communists are striving. ”

“ Shaw Desmond desperately wants to say something terrific about love, money and power. His violence makes one feel that one is reading under a shower of brickbats, and it is the effort of dodging these which perhaps distracts the mind from his message. ”

“ The situation in Bobadig is easing rapidly. The Government has at last carried out the instructions of The Slime, and we understand that a Ministerial expert in sheep-shock has been sent to the assistance of the surviving mules. But while we may congratulate ourselves on the lifting of the clouds in that direction matters in West Ham give ground for the gravest anxiety. The wood-lice of West Ham are proverbially of an irritable nature, and the attitude of the Government has been calculated for some time to inflame.... ”

“ There are no energetic squads of farm-labourers; no bustling battalions of land-girls with motor-plough attachments. The outdoor staff is generally to be found sitting on a bucket by the duck pond rubbing at a bit of harness and looking decently rural. When he has rubbed the harness he stands up and looks at the young wheat. ”

“ Some people of an egoistic and unimaginative temperament get up at once, in order that they may spend the rest of the day telling you how much they enjoyed the sunrise and what a fool you were to miss it. ”

“ Justice Darling people contemplating marriage should book early for divorce if they want to avoid the rush.
“Why Marry?” says the title of a new play. While no valid reason appears to exist many declare that it is a small price to pay for the satisfaction of being divorced.
Three-fourths of the public only buy newspapers to read the advertisements, says a contemporary. It would be interesting to know what the others buy them for.
“Few people seem to realise,” says a cinema gossip, “that Miss S. Eaden, the American film actress, is fond of tulips.” ”

“ Blinkingham unfolded his colossal scheme. “By way of preface,” remarked the great literary impresario, “let me call your attention to the momentous statement made by the Editor of The Athenæum in the issue of May 7th: ‘We doubt whether there has ever been a generation of men of letters so startlingly uneducated as this, so little interested in the study of the great writers before them.’ The Editor of The Athenæum takes a most gloomy view of the situation, which is fraught with an atmosphere of hostility and suspicion inimical to a revival of criticism. ”

“ Of other games the Communist will discard bridge, billiards and “general post”; and even “hunt-the-slipper” and “hide-and-seek” are not altogether free from the competitive taint. But an excellent game is open to him in “patience,” while there is no pastime more indicative of the true Communistic spirit than “ring-a-ring o’ roses,” so long as proper care be taken that at the last “tishu” all the players collapse simultaneously. ”

“ John is easily the heavy-weight champion in stage brothers. Sister Jean, who is entirely dependent on John, loves a poor man, but under John’s guidance traps a rich one. Sister Helen (who has a job) also loves a poor man, but thinks marriage not good enough. This was, I imagine, due chiefly to living with John and Mrs. John. She may have got a touch of the sun-parlour. Her man is a terrific young scientist, who once with four colleagues deliberately let a dangerous Cuban mosquito nibble his arm. The colleagues died while Ernest survived, which I regretted. ”

“ Parliament to-day will be occupied with the preposterous Budget proposals, but we hope our legislators will find time to press the Prime Minister for an explanation of the outrageous incident at Bobadig reported in our columns last week. There is only too good reason to fear that the policy of alternate violence and inertia, against which we have so often protested, has at last inflamed the law-abiding animals of Bobadig ... ”

“ Those who understand the Mexican trouble say it is doubtful whether America can deal with this war until the Presidential election is over. One war at a time is the American motto.
We gather from a contemporary that people who have been ordering large stocks of coal in the hope of escaping the new prices will be disappointed. ”

“ THE MURDERED MULES.
“As we feared, a serious crisis has arisen in Anglo-Armenian relations. At Bobadig a third mule has perished and his interment was made the occasion of a great popular demonstration against the policy of Great Britain. In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to conceal that the situation is extremely grave. The Prime Minister has returned to Downing Street from Le Touquet. Shortly after his arrival the Armenian Minister drove up in a motor-cab and was closeted with the Premier for a full ten minutes. ”

“ By this test the Government will be judged at the forthcoming election. They must realise that the time for trifling is past. If the resources of the British Empire are unable at this date to combat the menace of sheep-shock among the loyal mules of Bobadig, then indeed.... At least we are entitled to ask for an explanation of the presence of an infuriated sheep on the staff of a British General. ”

“ Statesmen of the past used to make their leisurely progress through the town surrounded by retainers on horseback, or in sedan-chairs, beautifully dressed and scattering largesse as they went. Thomas à Becket, the great Primate and Chancellor, used to have poor men to dine with him and crowds thronging round to bless him. ”

“ A Swedish scientist has invented a new building material called sylvenselosit. It is said to cost one-fifth the price of the building material in use in this country, which is known to the trade as wishyumagetit.
A folding motor-car is said to have been invented which has a greater speed than any other car. The next thing that requires inventing is a folding pedestrian to cope with it. ”

“ Wednesday, May 12th.—The prevalent notion that the only road a Scotsman cares about is that which leads to England cannot be maintained in face of Lord Balfour’s vigorous indictment of the Ministry of Transport for its neglect of the highways in his native Clackmannan. ”

“ Fruit blight threatens to be serious this year, says a daily paper, and drastic action should be taken against the apple weevil. A very good plan is to make an imitation apple of iron and then watch the weevil snap at it and break off its teeth.
One North of England workman is said to be in a bit of a hole. It seems that he has mislaid his strike-fixture card.
Immediately after a football match at Londonderry, one of the players was shot in the leg by an opponent. ”

“ Bobadig, April 8th.
“Since my last message (much mutilated by the Censor) events have moved rapidly. Two of the mules have died of their injuries in hospital; three others lie in a dangerous condition at Umwidi, four miles away, where they fled for refuge from the wanton onslaught of the Australian sheep. This sheep, it now transpires, was the personal attendant of General Riddlecombe, Head of the Military Mission, a circumstance which is not calculated to allay the local animosity which the incident has aroused. ”

“ The organist seems to have been rather a forward fellow.
With the Polo-season imminent we feel that we must not withhold from intending players the admirable and disinterested advice given in an Indian Trade circular:—
“The skill of a polo player lies in his well management of horse in the turmoil of Play. ”

“ Big automobiles containing many people. And there are also underground railways, railways under the ground in a tunnel. You know tunnels?”
“Oui, galleria. But a railway under a town—mon Dieu!” said Marko, appalled. “’Ow do the people descend to it?”
“In lifts—ascenseurs. From the street.”
Stefan nodded assent. “I ’ave seen ascenseurs at Sofia,” he said.
“In these tunnels,” continued Arthur, visibly warming to his work, “trains go to all parts of the town every three minutes, and the cost is only twenty statinki. The streets above are paved with wood.” ”

“ Occasional paragraphs in the Press, snapshots which take us very likely with one leg stuck out in front as if we were doing the goose-step, rare provincial excursions and bouquets from admiring mill-girls are all very well in their way, but they are nothing to constant personal appearances at stated times and in stated places before an admiring mob. ”

“ It becomes obvious, I think, to every unprejudiced observer that most of the games now unfortunately so popular at the University—rowing, cricket, football and the like—must go. But let it not be assumed that the Communist is averse from recreation properly conducted ”

“ Stefan regarded us with twinkling eyes.
“Ah, farceur!” he remarked, shaking his finger waggishly at Arthur. “I know all the time you make the joke, but poor Marko, you ’ave deceived ’im absolument. Railway under the ground, streets of wood, ’e swallow it all. Oh, naughty Baroutchik!”
The wolves did not come near us and our escort on our way home, but they could have had Arthur for the taking. At the moment he had nothing left to live for.
“Johannesburg tramway men started a lightning strike on Thursday owing to the suspension of a conductor.”—Daily Paper. ”

“ April 3rd, a paragraph in the Foreign Intelligence:—
“Bobadig, April 1st.
“A party of French mules, passing to their quarters in the vilayet of Arimabug, were to-day attacked by an Australian sheep on the staff of the British Military Mission. It is feared that many of the mules were injured. Feeling runs high among the peasantry, incensed already by the failure of the British Government to provide mosquito-nets for the sacred goats.” ”

“ However he became demonstrator at the Institute of Bacteriology, with Helen as his assistant, and in the excitement of the imminent discovery of his new bacillus the two spend the night in the laboratory totally unchaperoned. The discovery saved thousands of American babes, but it ruined Helen’s reputation. ”

“ There is a compactness about the place. They do not put the cattle in odd fields five miles apart, but leave them to lounge round the duck pond or sit in the front garden, where they can be collected without effort. ”

“ Dress at the Curzon Wedding.
“Princess —— wore a black hat, a cloak of tailless ermine, and a black and silver toque.”—Daily Telegraph.
“Then came Mrs. —— in a dull golf hat.”—Daily Graphic.
As a protest, we suppose, against the other lady’s extravagance in wearing a couple of hats.
“John ——, a coloured man, was charged with using obscure language in Maria Street. The magistrates fined him 5s.”—Welsh Paper.
Most unfair! Lots of men do the very same thing in Parliament and get paid four hundred pounds a year for it. ”

“ If this is the kind of humour that appeals to our contemporary it should alter the heading to “Grave and Gay.”
[pg 390]
THE LUXURIES OF THE RICH.
Club Member (owner of thirty thousand acre estate) . “I tell you what it is—I must really get my hair cut. Dash it, I’ve got the money.”
COMMUNISM AT CAMBRIDGE.
[Bolshevism and Communism claim many adherents among the young intellectuals at our ancient Universities.—Vide Press.]
I am a Socialist, a Syndicalist, an Anarchist, a Bolshevist—whatever you like to call me; if you wish to be precise, an International Communist. ”