Various

“ Why not make them musicians, teach them to play Wagner, and despatch them straightway through the length and breadth of the land as enthusiastic Apostles of the great Master? What a glorious prospect to turn the three or four thousand idle loafers who have lately been hulking about Trafalgar Square for the purpose of breaking the peace, into a mighty army of skilled fiddlers eager to wake the glad strains of the spirit-stirring Music of the Future in every quiet village green through the three Kingdoms. ”

“ All processions in London ought to be prohibited, with the exception of such State, Civic, or Ecclesiastical processions as may be deemed essential to the dignity of authority, and which have been, and still are, a source of real pleasure to the Londoners, who dearly love a show, when there is due and proper occasion for it. ”

“ Sir,—I cannot but think that, if Buffalo Bill were to introduce the “Unemployed” into his Show, he would score a big success. [pg 203] The introduction might take the shape of a contest between the “Wild East” and the “Wild West.” The former might be armed with brickbats and park-railings, and the latter with their usual weapons; and, were it known that a little genuine blood would be drawn in the entertainment, it might be safely counted on to draw all London. ”

“ Engaged in friendly discourse, they came in sight of eighty-five or eighty-six windmills; and as Don Quixote espied them he said to his Squire, “Fortune favours us. Look yonder, friend Jesse—I mean Sancho—where thou mayest discover some more than eighty disloyal giants, and monsters of sedition, whom I intend to encounter and slay.” “What giants?” said Sancho Panza. “These thou seest yonder,” answered his master, “with their long and far-reaching arms, for some are wont to have them of the full length of a league. Fly not, ye cowards, and vile caitiffs!” ”

“ None but Noblemen of a confiding disposition, that can be vouched for by testimonials from their near relatives, need apply. Communicate with A. X., Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W.
A REAL GENTLEMAN, who isn’t too particular, wanted immediately by a Coachman, who will, when sober, undertake to drive his carriage and pair for him anywhere he likes about the Metropolis, and beyond, without smashing him up. Mustn’t be hasty and close over stable expenses. Any quiet old duffer, who has been accustomed to let things go their own way without interfering, preferred. ”

“ Sir,—When the Police have fairly and effectually cleared off the loafers, not-do-a-stroke-of-work gentry, and the sedition-mongers, then we can turn our attention to the wants of the genuine Unemployed. ”

“ For instance, when fining a poor working-man five shillings for drunkenness,—he having met an old friend and been persuaded to take more than was good for him,—and that amount probably constituting a full day’s income, his thoughts will revert to that particularly jovial banquet with his worshipful Company the previous evening, and whether some one or two of the guests not sufficiently seasoned to these matters, were not quite as guilty as the poor workman he had just fined, and how they would like to have to pay a day’s income for this folly, amounting in one case to probably £100! ”

“ Sir Henry Knight seems to be of opinion that luxurious living, Aldermanic and otherwise, must be a good thing for the poor, because “Money spent in entertainment goes into the pockets of the working classes.” If that is so, Dives, in order to benefit Lazarus, can hardly do better than go on faring sumptuously every day. And yet somehow, as a matter of fact, the more Dives feeds the more Lazarus famishes. ”

“ Naturally, the one particular event to which an Alderman looks forward with the most especial anticipations of honour and renown, is the year of his Mayoralty, when he will have his otherwise humble name associated with those of the famous men who, in very different times to those in which we live, ruled the great City, with courage and discretion. ”

“ Alderman Slocoach was not particularly fortunate in that respect. There was no European Monarch on a visit to this country, whom the Corporation was requested by the Government to honour, with the customary satisfactory result to the Lord Mayor of the day; there was no public ceremonial of unusual importance that required the brilliant surroundings of Civic pomp to give it full éclat, and as his year of office approached its termination, his solemn look became more solemn, and his hopes evidently grew fainter and fainter. ”

“ In the meantime our knight-errant had brought his persuasive powers to bear upon a humble labourer in the fields which he himself had lately left, a neighbour of his, some said of his own distant kin, and an honest man, but somewhat shallow-brained and self-important. In short, he said so much, used so many arguments, that the poor fellow resolved to sally out with him, and serve him in the capacity of a Squire. ”

“ Sir,—As at the present season of the year nothing is more common than to find the stalls of most of the leading West-End theatres empty, a fact which has a very chilling effect on the efforts of the players, why not fill the empty places with the so-called “Unemployed”? ”

“ She will not be expected to visit her own kitchen, inquire into the amount of her own weekly books, keep the key of the beer, or object to the occasional visits of members of the local Police Force, in which the advertiser has several near relatives. A little dinner on a small scale now and then will not be objected to, but seeing much company cannot for a moment be entertained. An unexceptionable character from the three last cooks who have filled the place, indispensable. Apply, M.B. Eligible Family Supply Agency, Walker Street, W. ”

“ Taking into consideration the fact that in many quarters a handsome subscription to the funds of the Institute has been regarded as a sure passport to honour, and that the non-distribution of titles right and left among a lot of small provincial celebrities has already occasioned a good deal of heartburning and disappointment, this new lease of life, affording them, as it does, a fresh opportunity of struggling for their much-coveted prize, cannot but be hailed by the yet unsatisfied “Chairmen of Provincial Committees and others” with genuine joy and thankfulness. ”

“ THE ELIGIBLE FAMILY SUPPLY AGENCY have at the present moment applications from several Invalid Gentlemen who require care and solicitude, and will be glad to hear from Widows with an eye to the main chance, and “Superior” Housekeepers desirous of getting hold of an unquestionably good thing. ”

“ Sir,—Excellent as is the suggestion of your Correspondent, “One who would Elevate Them,” that the Unemployed should be forthwith put into the hands of some competent Ballet-Master, and after a proper course of instruction, despatched to all the Board Schools in England for the purpose of teaching every pupil who has passed the Sixth Standard, dancing and deportment, yet I do not think he goes far enough. ”

“ A Policeman accidentally lifts his arm, whereupon about fifty youths scurry like rabbits; in the rush, the Person in search of Sensation is hustled and slightly trampled on. He becomes annoyed, and hits out right and left—eventually striking a Constable in his excitement. ”

“ How I have envied Gl-dst-ne going about the country making speeches which would have been twice as effective if they had been half as long, receiving the homage of the masses, and driving in state through the streets of Derby, with his led Captain, H-rc-rt, on the box-seat of his carriage! What a curious man is Gl-dst-ne, the Elephant of our political life, who can in the morning crush a Ministry, and in the afternoon achieve a petty economy by selling waste timber. ”

“ A GOOD PLAIN MISTRESS WANTED by a competent and highly experienced Cook. Must be a thorough lady, accustomed to making herself generally agreeable, and to not prying into household matters which do not concern her. ”

“ There has been a good deal written about Napoleon whilst involved in his fatal campaign in Russia occupying spare moments in drawing up regulations for the Opera House at Paris. But what is that compared with Gl-dst-ne marching through the Midlands to upset my Government, and, en route, drafting an announcement that timber felled at Hawarden by his own hand would be on sale “at a uniform charge, viz., 1s., 6d. for a small log, or 3s. per cubic foot, exclusive of railway carriage.” ”

“ October 26.—Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest.
October 27.—Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them to “study laws of supply and demand.” Invites them to Lord Mayor’s Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other Socialists, who have not received invitations. ”

“ Add to this, that the entire gas-piping of the Metropolis ought to come up bodily, and make way for the installation of the Electric Light, to say nothing of the fixing in all the leading thoroughfares of overhead railways on the New York principle, and you have enough work at least to begin upon and meet the present crisis. ”

“ This would afford the additional advantage of providing fresh work for the Unemployed. I don’t see what else can be done. Everybody can use a brush, and with a couple, or say, three coats all over the Metropolis, there would be plenty to occupy everybody for the next six months. ”

“ October 28.—New Leaders of Mob (vice Deputation, resigned) denounce sympathetic Alderman as a “bloated exploiter.” Nelson Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy.
October 29.—Gathering of “Unemployed” in Westminster Abbey. Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to give most of what they possess to poor ”

“ The Leaders, H. George, and the man whose name was said to be Walker, put up their coat-collars and sneaked away under the trees.”—Newspaper Report.
An Orator (leaping suddenly on parapet) . Feller Citizens, are you Men that you stand by with folded ’ands, while unlimited food and wealth lays within a stone’s throw? ”