Various

“ This is what is wanted (so I gather from Lord W.'s article) to make the British Army, if not the most costly, at least the most respectable in the world. Come, Sir, do not make it necessary that you should be reminded a second time of your plain and obvious duty by
A Sanguine and Expectant Private.
Sir,—There can be no doubt in regard to the proper destination of those surplus millions, the fitting disposition of which, I am informed, is involving you in no little perplexity. ”

“ Alkaloid came out cheerfully.
"The poodle's dead all right," he said. "What you took to be blood, Ropes, was blacking off your razor. You really ought not to strop them on your boot. I'll walk round to your shop with you. I want my hair singed." ”

“ Your surplus will enable a wise and paternal Government to give not merely education, free of cost, to every child in the three kingdoms, but will supply it with ample means to infuse the very highest culture attainable into the very dregs of the population. ”

“ He has perfected himself in a lofty and distinguished profession during years spent by you, Sir, in idly cumbering the earth of Eton and Oxford. Shall I allow him to suffer by a purely accidental coincidence? Never! I owe him reparation, and it shall be paid to the uttermost penny. From this day, I adopt him as my eldest son, and the heir to my earldom, and all other real and personal effects. See, Robert Henry, that you treat your foster-brother as your senior in future! ”

“ Cyril Mush was delighted. "You can't charge an old friend anything for just ironing his hat," he said, with his peculiarly winning smile.
Before Mr. Ropes could correct this impression, another voice was heard in the shop below.
"Can you come down for a minute—to oblige a lady?"
Mr. Ropes descended once more. In a minute he returned.
"Awfully sorry, Mush, but I must go. I've got to shave a dead poodle, and the men are coming to stuff it at nine o'clock to-night. It's for a lady—noblesse oblige, you know. I'll finish your hat when I come back." ”

“ Even in the best-regulated households there is a sameness about dinner which, towards the end of the week, palls upon the appetite. Some ambitious young men have attempted to deal with the matter and surprise their guests by introducing cheese immediately after the soup (soufflé au parmesan) , and after a cut of beef comes the fish (turbot à la Russe) . That is well meant, but it is crude. Mr. Punch has given his great mind to the subject, and presents to the consideration of the dining world the following hints for a meal ”

“ Picture one who, though not close over money matters, and full of love for his offspring, must yet sign himself
A Circumspect and Cautious Parent.
Sir,—Have you read Lord Wolseley's article in this month's Harper? He advises a higher rate of pay for the rank and file of the British Army? Verbum sap. You understand. It is clear what you must do with your surplus. Ensure Tommy Atkins six-and-six-pence a day, and you will have every Regiment in the Service thronged with real live Gentlemen. ”

“ It may be objected that half-and-half, even when badly spelt, is a cold preparation for dinner; and others may take exception to Poukenvorm, as likely to have an earthy taste. But did they ever try it gebakken in Berg-op-Zoomsche Stijl? It is no use mincing matters. Let anyone in search of a good dinner enter any well-appointed restaurant, and order this menu right through down to Pupen en Tabak (which is not a preparation of dog's meat) , and if they are not satisfied, Mr. Punch is a Dutchman. ”

“ I have no superstitious reverence for rank, and am, I trust, sufficiently enlightened to discern worth and merit—even beneath the spangled vest of the humblest acrobat. Your foster-brother, brief as our acquaintance has been, has already endeared himself to all hearts, while you have borne a trifling reverse of fortune with sullen discontent and conspicuous incapacity. ”

“ Well, Father, Mother, your noble Herlship and Lady, foster-brother Bullsaye, and my pretty little sweetart 'ere, what do you all say to goin' inside and shunting a little garbage, and shifting a drop or so of lotion, eh?
The E. A most sensible suggestion, my boy. Let us make these ancient walls the scene of the blithest—ahem!—beano they have ever yet beheld!
[Cheers from Tenantry, as the Earl leads the way into the Castle with Mrs. Horehound, followed by Horehound with the Countess and Coltsfoot with Lady Rose, Lord Bullsaye, discomfited and abashed, entering last as Curtain falls.] ”

“ Grand Old Man more Grand and less Old than ever; just up from Oxford; passed very well, it is said. Comes into Parliament with every prospect of distinguishing himself; his maiden speech looked for with much interest.
"I think I'll put it off for a month or two, Toby," he said, blushing with the ingenuousness of youth. "You see I'm so fresh from college, that it would ill become me to plunge into public affairs. It's all very well for a young fellow like me to get up at the Union; but here it's different. You're very good to say that great things are expected of me ”

“ Miss Fanny Brough is Miss Fanny Brough, which means that no one could play the part so well, much less better. For the rest, the company (although a new one) work together with a "go" that carries all before it. Alexander has certainly conquered the world—of Comedy. He may do less wise things if he rests satisfied, and leaves Tragedy alone for an indefinitely lengthened period. ”

“ Ropes as he was dashing wildly down the street towards his own shop. In one minute all was explained. Mr. Alkaloid had fetched his photographic apparatus, and the three were careering back to the house where the poodle lay dead. But was he dead? You know he wasn't, as well as I do. What do you ask such senseless questions for? "It's the only sure test," said Alkaloid. "If that dog's alive, he'll wag his tail when I try to photograph him. ”

“ That you cannot, and will at once hand over your useful millions for the purpose of carrying into effect the above modest but magnificent scheme, is the firm belief of yours suggestively,
The Latest Teacher of the Young Idea. ”

“ Thomas Thorne, it will be readily understood that "the New Drama" is the reverse of lively. Clarissa has scarcely a laugh in it from beginning to end. Certainly, in the last Scene but one, there is a revel, in which "pseudo-Ladies of Fashion" take part, but the merriment with which it is spiced is decidedly ghastly. Miss Winifred Emery is exceedingly clever, but her death-scene is painfully protracted. ”

“ A site should be secured on the Embankment, by clearing away Somerset House, and the intervening buildings, including the blocks of the Inner and Middle Temple, which could all be carted away and re-erected further down, say, at Millbank, and on the space thus secured a white marble structure could be reared with an adequately imposing façade facing the river, that would in some slight degree represent the majesty of the illustrious body destined to occupy it. ”

“ Comedy and Burlesque went hand-in-hand, and the audience, if ever asked to weep, were begged to cry with laughter. But Mr. Robert Buchanan (with the assistance of the late Mr. Richardson) "has changed all that." Clarissa, the present attraction at the little theatre on the North-side of the Strand, is a piece of the most doleful character. The First Act is devoted to a very heartless abduction, and the last to a lingering death and a fatal duello. When it is announced that the successful fencer who "kills his man" is no less a person than that excellent Comedian, Mr. ”

“ I don't say that nine millions would be enough thoroughly to carry out the design I have in view, but your surplus might serve as a central fund to begin upon, to which Parliament, no doubt, would cheerfully add another five or six millions if required. ”

“ There's one pore chap who's about as onest and as atentif a Waiter as I nos on anywheres, but you never, no never, ewer sees him smile, not ewen wen a ginerus old Deputy, or a new maid Alderman, gives him harf-a-crown! I've offen and offen tried to cheer him hup with a good old glass of ginerus port, wen sum reglar swells has bin a dining and has not emtied the bottels—as reel Gennelmen never does—but never quite suck-seeded, tho' he drank down his wine fast enuff and ewidently injoyed it quite as much as if he'd paid for it, praps jest a leetle bit more. ”

“ Ropes. "If the dog is not dead, come back in two hours, and prove it—otherwise it will be dead, and stuffed too."
"Now then," said Algernon, when Mr. Ropes had gone, "if Tommy Atkins is not dead, he soon will be." He grasped his walking-stick, and tried the door of the room. It was locked. Mr. Ropes had locked it, and taken the key! ”

“ Killing for a Shilling.—Lord Wolseley (who seems to have read the regulations governing communications from soldiers to the Press in a very liberal spirit) has published an article on the British Army in the pages of an American Twelvepenny Magazine. The contribution is embellished with sketches of the costumes of Tommy Atkins and his predecessors. ”

“ The E. Nothing can excuse the fact that you—you, a low-born son of the people, have monopolised the training, the tenderness and education, which were the due of your Patrician foster-brother. (To Coltsfoot.) ”

“ Why, hurly training. His Father was a Comic Play Actor, and allers ready for a larf, and offen took yung Tom with him to the Theater till he becum quite a favrite with all the merry gals there, who used to pet him, and give him sweets, and teach him to say all sorts of funny things ”

“ He hopes, however, that, as a realistic study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a democratic audience.
COMING OF AGE
A Grand Social Psychological Comedy-Drama, in One Act. Dramatis Personæ.
The Earl of Burntalmond.
The Countess of Burntalmond (his wife) .
Robert Henry Viscount Bullsaye (their son and heir) .
The Lady Rose Caramel (niece to the Earl) .
Horehound. } (Travelling as "The Celebrated Combination
Mrs. Horehound. } Korffdropp Troupe," in their refined and
Coltsfoot Horehound. } elegant Drawing-room Entertainment.) ”