Various

“ We would all of us from eight years old (permitted by home licence to go to theatres at night during Christmas holidays) , and up to over fifty (compelled to go to look after the others, and delighted to do so) —we would all of us rather hear the clock strike twelve, see Cinderella in rags, running for bare life, see the Prince in despair at the flight of his partner, on whose card his name was down for sixteen more valses and galops, than witness a black-and-white dance, with fans, pretty in itself, and set to very pretty Solomonesque music, but meaningless as regards plot. ”

“ The Man-trap is convulsed by a violent heave; William and Benjamin bend forward in an agony of expectation, until a small shoe and the leg of Thomas's pantaloons are finally emitted from the Monster's jaws. ”

“ Cinderella's jödelling lullaby is pretty. All the music is bright and lively, and I fancy that though there are the names of four or five Composers to the bill, Conductor Solomon,—who keeps them all going, and sticks to his beat with the tenacity of a policeman,—has done the major part of it, and the minor too. Bravo, Mr. Edward Solomon! "What's a hat without a head?" ”

“ You protest that varieties of temperature are of very inconsiderable concern to you, and, throwing yourself on the walnut couch by the recess window, daintily draped with orange-and-blue chintz, you gaze forth on the varied scene without. The stately ships go on to their haven under the hill; the ever-changing procession presses on, homeward or outward bound; and, beyond, the unbroken, treacherous barrier of the Goodwin Sands. ”

“ Very restful to the eye and soothing to the spirit are these grand contributions by the Old Boys. They may say what they please about the progress of modern Art, but Mr. Punch is of opinion that many of these fine specimens of Crome, Gainsborough, Jansen, Murillo, Mulready, &c., are bad to beat. How time slips away! It only seems the other day that these Winter Exhibitions were started by the Royal Academy, and yet the present one is the twenty-first. ”

“ And we finish up by a scamper all round together that seems vastly to amuse them! What a come-down for a Lion! Learned pigs and educated bears are well enough, but they should know where to draw the line and stop at the "Monarch." I keep pretty quiet at present because it pays, but that snarl of mine may end in a roar. By Jove! if it does, the horse, boar-hound, and fellow with the whip, had better look out for themselves, and that's all I have got to say about it at present. ”

“ Here is the stage-direction—"At the end of song"—which should have been a national song, by Mr. Clement Scott, but wasn't—in fact, there was no song at all, as well as I can remember, though I rather think the crowd were always more or less singing a chorus,—"clock strikes." If it did, I didn't hear it. If it did, why didn't the characters behave as sich, and on Cinderella's saying what the authors have written, and which I am positive I didn't hear,
"What shall I do? ”

“ First part occupied by Chief Clerk seated in front of table covered with papers. Second part filled with Solicitors' Clerks hustling one another in the endeavour to attract attention. List for the day's causes about six yards long.
Chief Clerk (after three hours' hard work) . Now, Gentlemen, one at a time. Smith versus Brown!
Six Solicitors' Representatives (speaking together) . Won't take a minute in—only an order to——
Chief Clerk. One at a time, Gentlemen! Who has the conduct of this matter?
First Solicitor's Representative. I have, Sir. It's an order to sell some freehold land. ”

“ Re-enter William, from R., with Benjamin.
Benjamin. I'm very glad you came—but where is Thomas?
Wm. (severely) . Tom is a wicked boy, and better from us,
For on the road he stopped to scale a wall!... ”

“ Every fellow says you are such a good chap, and what every fellow says must be true. Now we want you to do us a good turn. We wish you would write down "holiday tasks." It is such a beastly shame that fellows home for "the Yule-Tide Vacation" (as our Head Master calls it) , should have to be stewing away at all sorts of beastly things. ”

“ THE MAN-TRAP.
This Drama, which, like our last, has been suggested by a poem of the Misses Taylors', will be found most striking and impressive in representation upon the Music-hall stage. The dramatist has ventured to depart somewhat from the letter, though not the spirit, of the original text, in his desire to enforce the moral to the fullest possible extent. Our present piece is intended to teach the great lesson that an inevitable Nemesis attends apple-stealing in this world, and that Doom cannot be disarmed by the intercession of the evil-doer's friends, however well-meaning. ”

“ Terrific sensation chase! The Monster Man-trap leaps from bough to bough with horrible agility, and eventually secures his prey, and leaps with it to the ground.
Thomas (in the Monster's jaws) . I'm sure you seem a kind, good-natured creature—
You will not harm me? ”

“ The First Lord of the Admiralty.—How to satisfy the country, from his place in Parliament, that the "Department" is turning out big guns in any number, and that, when they are turned out, he'll pledge his word that they won't burst—unreasonably. ”

“ Yes, spite the pig's reputed intellectual gifts, we would advise you to close with the pork-butcher's offer you mention. When the creature has been cut up, send your Grandfather some of the sausages. This may possibly appease the old gentleman, and serve to allay the irritation that your unfortunate Christmas gift appears to have occasioned.
The North Walls.—The Sporting Correspondent of the Sunday Times tells us that Colonel North is "having a new ball-room"— (he wouldn't have an old one built, would he? But no matter) —"the walls of which are composed of onyx." ”

“ Sees Man-trap, and starts.
What's that?
Benj. It will not hurt good boys at all—
It's only Father's Man-trap—why so pale?
Wm. The self-same tree!... the wall that Tom would scale!
Where's Thomas now? Ah, Tom, the wilful pride of you! ”

“ Of course, a Billionaire pays all the workmen punctually and regularly; therefore, "Owe-nix" walls are an appropriate memorial. Si monumentum quæris, circumspice.
[Pg 14]
DARES AND ENTELLUS.
(New Non-Virgilian Version told by Punchius to the Shade of Sayerius in the Elysian Fields, With Intercalary Observations by the Illustrious ex-Pugilist.)
Mr. Punch. "What do you think of that, Tom?"
Shade of Sayers. "Think!" (Disgusted.) "Why, I think the sooner the P. R.'s put down, the better!" ”

“ Benj. (exultantly) . See, William, now he's coming ... here's his shoe for you!
The Man-trap (with an accent of genuine regret) , I'm sorry—but that's all that I can do for you!
Wm. (raising the shoe and the leg of pantaloons, and holding them sorrowfully at arm's length) .
He's met the fate which moralists all promise is
The end of such depraved careers as Thomas's!
Oh, Benjamin take warning by it be-time!
(More brightly) . But now to wash our hands—'tis nearly tea-time! ”

“ Exit William (L. 2. E.) , while Thomas proceeds to scale the wall and climb the boughs of the nearest pear-tree. Melodramatic Music. The Monster Man-trap stealthily emerges from long grass below, and fixes a baleful eye on the unconscious Thomas. ”

“ And he has only got to number seventeen on the 11:30 list! Too bad!
Chorus of Solicitors' Representatives. Another morning wasted! But it's not his fault; he works hard enough! But, why don't they get enough men to do the business? ”

“ William (a Good Boy) . Mr. Harry Nicholls. } who have kindly
Thomas (a Bad Boy) . Mr. Herbert Campbell. } offered their services.
Benjamin (neither one thing nor the other) . Mr. Samuel Super.
The Monster Man-trap Mr. George Conquest.
Scene—An elaborate set, representing, on extreme left, a portion of the high road, and wall dividing it from an orchard; realistic apple-and pear-trees laden with fruit. Time, about four o'clock on a hot afternoon. Enter William and Thomas, hand-in-hand, along road; they ignore the dividing wall, and advance to front of stage.
Duet.—William and Thomas. ”