Various

“ PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household.
PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a whole fortnight.
PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:—"I was in a comatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper. I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and have danced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all my pockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. This has got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in the least mind. ”

“ WOMAN—not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"—nor woman who in our hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman, the weekly Woman who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-third number, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmas dinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets," a very good and simple dinner it was. The same Woman gave also, among a variety of next-day's treatments of Turkey, Turkey in Aspic, Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia—yes—but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? ”

“ POLITICS UP TO DATE. (Specimen Leader from an Irish Paper in a Chronic State of Revolution.)
WEDNESDAY, 9 A.M.—We appear this morning awaiting the future with confidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journal on patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as the enemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the saviours of society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time may arrive when this policy may be reversed. ”

“ AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE.
Mr. Pushington. Muddled? Of course it was muddled—you all called me a liar before I opened my mouth!
The Rest.—But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we had to bring the Word in somehow.
Pushington. Bring it in?—but you needn't have let it out. There was SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. We must have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again (muttering) . It's no use acting Charades with people who don't understand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! ”

“ Do come and help; it's really no use dressing up till we've settled what we're going to do. Can't anybody think of a good Word?
Miss Larkspur. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with the same plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, and it was awfully good—just like a regular Comedy!
Mr. Whipster. Ah, but we've got to hit on a Word first. Come—nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over there, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting your heads together? ”

“ There was werry considerabel diffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreed in praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality with which they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the pore Waiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed.
We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettin the gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand," as ewerybody knows as is anybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. ”

“ Our principel Toast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and may it flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for the bewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, we Waiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer and weaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. ”

“ One of us must come on as a Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lot of him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing the Poet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. ”

“ Being, however, unable to kill them professionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up with gunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedings they are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
November.—The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, several Peers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of their immediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising a very handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. ”

“ Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that story about the Cockney who, dropping his "h's," shot peasants instead! This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.
November.—Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs about having special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take the chair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. ”

“ A couple of large metropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteen waiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the fire brigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguish the flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of the holders of gas shares. ”

“ December.—Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that most melancholy of persons "the funny man." BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reaches the age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year.
APPROPRIATE.—Sir,—Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legal case than appeared in the Times Law Report, December 20th, and which was entitled "The Mayor, &c. ”

“ THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.
January.—If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although the Opposition tried to hinder her from assuming the title. Work this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given away if only lent. ”

“ PICK-ME-UP PEPPER.—The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends and Patrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosive compound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proof establishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz., 1s. ”