Various

“ Wish I were at Torquay with you!"
Pythias to Damon.—"Sorry to hear that Riviera is such a failure. More pleased than ever with Devonshire. Glorious warm sunshine to-day. Natives say they hardly ever have frost. Children digging on sand on Christmas Eve—too hot for great-coat. Rain comes down occasionally, but then it dries up in no time. Quite a little Earthly Paradise. Glad I found it out."
Later from Damon.—"Riviera better. Mistral gone. Sun warm, and have seen my first orange-tree. Have also found that there's a place called Monte Carlo near Nice. ”

“ A Genial Uncle (entering with Nephews and Nieces) . Plenty to choose from here, eh? Look about and see what you'd like best.
Jane (the eldest, sixteen, and "quite a little woman") . I'm sure they would much rather you chose for them, Uncle!
Uncle. Bless me, I don't know what boys and girls like nowadays—they must choose for themselves!
Salesw. (wearily) . Perhaps one of the young gentlemen would like a dredging-machine? The handle turns, you see, and all the little buckets go round the chain and take up sand or mud—or there's a fire-engine, that's a nice toy, throws a stream of real water. ”

“ We go interfering all over the world, grabbing here, and grabbing there, merely in order to keep other people out; and then some nigger King, with a cold in his head, sneezes as he passes the Union Jack. ”

“ Tommy and Bobby cheer up visibly at this suggestion.
Jane. I don't think Mother would like them to have that, Uncle—it might give them a taste for theatres, you know!
Uncle. Ha—so it might—very thoughtful of you, Jane—Mustn't get in your Mother's bad books; never do! What's in these boxes? soldiers? How about these, eh, boys? ”

“ Wish I could pay expenses of my Devonshire hotel so easily. But then one ought to have some reward for visiting such a dreary place as the Riviera, with its Mistrals, and diseased olive-trees, and all that."
Latest from Damon.—"Since writing my last letter, my views of the Riviera have altered. The climate, I find, does not suit me. Sun doesn't shine as much as I expected—not at night, for instance. Then the existence of an olive disease anywhere near is naturally very dégoûtant (as they say here) . And the Casino at Monte Carlo is simply an organised swindle. ”

“ Parmenas!
Priscilla. And I'm sure people have dreamt which horse was going to win a race over and over again!
Mr. S. Come, come, let us have none of these unseemly disputes! And, when you compare a literary competition with—ah—a mere gambling transaction, Priscilla, you do a grave injustice to us all. You forget that we have, all of us, worked hard for success; we have given our whole thoughts and time to the subject. I have stayed at home from the office day after day. Your mother has had no leisure for the cares of the household ”

“ Later from Pythias.—"After all, Devonshire is sometimes a little damp. Yes, I have heard of Monte Carlo Casino, and I wish there was anything of the sort at Torquay. Walks and drives pretty, but monotonous. Hills annoying. Still, evidently far superior to any part of Riviera." ”

“ There is only one small item of common-place in it, and that is making the would-be seducer a married man. Of course, to prove him so was the easiest and shortest way of saving his vain and feather-headed little victim. ”

“ Spheres of influence mean—well, don't you know, they mean some country that's not quite yours, but it's more yours than anybody else's, and if anybody else comes into it, you're allowed to make a protocol of it. ”

“ Besides, what are you going to do about the slaves and the Missionaries?
Average Man. Oh, bother the Missionaries!
First W. I. M. It's all very well to say "bother the Missionaries!" but that won't get you any further. They're our fellow-creatures after all, and what's more, they're our fellow-countrymen, so we've got to look after them.
Average Man. I should let the whole lot of Missionaries fight it out together. They only keep quarrelling amongst themselves, and trying to bag one another's converts; and then France and England get involved.
Inquirer. By the way, where is Uganda, exactly? ”

“ Scientific meteorologists, it is true, do not consider that there is any immediate danger of a descent of the sky, but many bird-catchers of experience are of opinion that, should such a contingency happen, the number of these feathered songsters included in the catastrophe would, in all probability, be simply——" It might be "idiotic," of course, but I fancy "incalculable," or "appalling" would be nearer the mark. ”

“ Reggie (with a fortunate inspiration) . Thank you ever so much, Auntie! And I like this train better than a tin one—because all the doors open really—it's exactly what I wanted!
Mrs. S. That's so like Reggie—he never says anything to hurt people's feelings if he can possibly help it.
Mrs. B. (with meek ambiguity) . Ah, dear Sophia, you set him such an example, you see! (Reggie wonders why she squeezes his hand so.)
A Vague Man (to Saleswoman) . Er—I want a toy of some sort—for a child, don't you know. (As if he might require it for an elderly person.) ”

“ Shall follow your example, and try Torquay for the rest of the winter."
Latest from Pythias.—"Just a hasty line to say—don't come to Torquay! I am leaving it. Since I last wrote, my views of Devonshire have also altered. Can't conceal from myself that the climate is a mistake. Damp, dull, and depressing. Your account of Monte Carlo—not the Casino, of course—so enchanting, that I've determined to try it. ”

“ The word chosen was "Christmas."
"Fancy anyone remembering Christmas! Even for a Missing Word Competition! Everything seems changing nowadays!"
But the Grandson was wrong—his Christmas bills were unchangeable. And ever will be!
"ART COMPETITIONS."
"Since these competitions were started, the public had been educated in artistic matters, and their judgment was almost equal to that of the members of the Royal Academy."—Mr. Poland's Speech in the "Missing Word" case. ”

“ P'raps a box of wooden soldiers would be a more suitable toy for a boy, certainly.
[Pg 300]
The V. M. Soldiers, eh?—yes—but you see, it might turn out to be a girl after all—and then——
Salesw. I see, you want something that would do equally well for either. Here's a toy now. (She brings out a team of little tin swans on wheels.) You fix a stick in the end—so—and wheel it in front of you, and all the little swans go up and down. ”

“ Now Mother, Parmenas, girls—all of you, let us set to work, and see—just for the—ah—fun of the thing—if we can't be more fortunate with the next competition. We'll have Cook and Jane, and—ah—Robert in to help; the housework can look after itself for once ... what is it now, Priscilla?
Prisc. (faintly) . I've just seen this. (Reads.) "In consequence of the recent decision at Bow Street, those who send solutions for this, and any future competitions, will not be [Pg 293] required to forward any remittance with their coupons——"
Mr. S. (approvingly) . ”

“ Prisc. (continuing) —"and successful competitors must, we fear, be content with no other reward than that of honourable mention."
Mr. S. Here, send after Robert, somebody! It's scandalous that the precious time of a whole family should be frittered away in these unedifying and—ah—idiotic competitions. I will not allow another Tiddler to enter my house!
Robert (entering with his arms full of "Tiddlers") . ”